A/N: I was listening to Craig Armstrong's "This Love" while I was writing this chapter. Though I couldn't comprehend the true meaning behind the lyric, I still felt that it suited GrimmUlqui relationship in this story rather well (because I'm weird like that). I must admit I haven't followed Bleach since the end of Deicide Arc, so it wasn't until yesterday that I saw Ulquiorra's back story "Not Be, But Be" in "Unmasked." It made me wonder what Kubo was trying to pull with that last scene because it kinda felt out of place (though I might have a different opinion if UlquiHime was my OTP). But I already digress, so I won't discuss that here. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the new chapter.
XII
Grimmjow stood under a shower with his eyes closed, letting water wash over his rugged face and his toned body. The coldness of the water made him feel a little bit more refreshed, but the truth remained that he hadn't had much rest since he returned to Las Noches.
He couldn't be sure if it was just a coincidence or Ulquiorra had purposely avoided him ever since that last time they spoke, but he had a feeling that it was the latter case when Ulquiorra didn't show up at the time Aizen had scheduled to Arrancarize the Hollows that they had "convinced" to join Aizen's troop.
He remembered that Aizen didn't show any sign that he was surprised when Ulquiorra didn't show up. In fact, the man looked almost like the Cuarta Espada's absence was a part of his plan, and that made Grimmjow wonder for a moment if the whole friendship deal with Ulquiorra was just some kind of fantasy created by the Shinigami's Kyōka Suigetsu, and now that Aizen was bored with it, he simply lifted the illusion and returned them to the reality where they were colleagues who didn't hold each other's regard.
With a sigh, Grimmjow ran his hands through his soaking blue hair before he rested his forehead against the wall of the shower stall.
It would be easier if everything that had happened to them in the past months had been just an illusion from Aizen. In that way, he could simply regard it as a bad dream and then dismiss it as if nothing had ever happened. However, he knew that whatever happened between them was real enough to keep resurfacing no matter how deep he had tried to bury the thought in the back of his mind.
He could still clearly see the look on Ulquiorra's face when the man said that he had trusted him, and somehow the way the man simply left quietly afterward cut him deep like a sharp knife. It was true that Grimmjow had had his fair share of affairs, and while he was not always the one who ended them, he never felt any urge to go after anyone who already chose to leave. However, it was different in the case of Ulquiorra, for that was the first time that he felt a strong need to salvage whatever remained in their relationship instead of just letting it sink like a wrecked ship.
"Yeah, right," Grimmjow muttered bitterly. "The master of destruction is trying to mend the fences. How ironic!"
But perhaps that why he still couldn't figure out how to fix things between himself and Ulquiorra – because he was more used to destroying things than creating or fixing them. Perhaps he didn't really know as much about the "heart" or about relationship as he wanted to believe he did.
With yet another sigh, he turned off the water, reached for the towel, wrapped it around his waist then stepped out of the shower.
Once again, he asked himself what he should do next. It wasn't as if he could just ask anyone, since the last couple of months had proved to him how twisted all Las Noches residents could be when it came to giving advice. Besides, there was no way he could get any useful advice without revealing about his transgression.
The Sexta Espada shook his head, and instead of drying himself and getting dressed, he opted to sit listlessly down in front of a dresser and stared absently at his own reflection. He couldn't tell how long he had just sat there like that, but he knew that his hair was almost dry by the time he was shaken out of his reverie by four consecutive knocks on the door.
His blue eyes became widened in surprise, and his heartbeats were quickened as his mind automatically linked those four knocks with the way that certain person always rapped on his door whenever he came to see him there. He didn't need to think before he quickly darted to the door and opened it in haste.
However, instead of seeing a slender man with black hair and green eyes as he had expected, he was greeted by a silver-haired man whose smile was eternal.
"Wow, that was fast!" Gin commented. "Must've been a new record."
"Oh, it's just you."
"Eh? What's with the disappointed look?" the Shinigami asked in a teasing tone. "And what did you mean it was just me? Are you expecting someone else?"
Grimmjow almost hated himself for having believed for a second that the person who knocked on his door would be Ulquiorra Cifer.
Ignoring Ichimaru's question, he asked curtly, "What's your business?"
Because he was already used to the Espada's less than friendly attitude, Gin decided not to waste his time to complain and simply went on with what he came for:
"Ah, I just drop by to tell you that we're holding a welcome party to all new Arrancars tonight, and everyone is going to be there."
"Everyone?"
"Yep, and when I said 'everyone', it includes..." Gin said, and after a dramatic pause he added, "...Zommari."
It wasn't the first time that Grimmjow felt like breaking Gin's neck in half.
"Why the hell would I wanna know if that arrogant bastard would be there or not?"
"It doesn't have any specific meaning. I'm just giving you an example, after all," the Shinigami replied in a mock innocent. "Anyway, the party starts at six, and all Espadas are required to wear sombreros and ponchos."
"What the hell?"
He didn't really know how Gin could manage to get more ridiculous every time they met, but the guy had to be really mad to think that all Espadas owned a Mexican hat and a poncho, and even madder to think that they would wear it to the party just because he requested them to.
"I just thought it'd be the easiest way for the newcomers to identify the Espadas since, you know, not all of the Espada's tattoos are in the area that is easily seen," said the Shinigami. "So don't complain and just wear them. If you don't have them, there'll be some for you to borrow at the party's entrance. Anyway, see you at the party, and don't be late. Bye-bye."
With a goodbye wave, the Shinigami was off, using shunpo.
Grimmjow stared at the empty hallway for a moment. Somehow he thought Ichimaru knew that he wanted to know if Ulquiorra would be there or not and intentionally chose to omit that little detail just to get under his skin.
"Damn! I really hate that guy."
Closing the door, Grimmjow went back to the dresser to begin getting dressed. He wasn't too fond of the idea of that welcome party. It was somewhat fishy, since they had never held a welcome party for new Arrancars before, and the dress code for the Espadas made it seem even more like Gin was being bored and aiming to use the welcome party as an excuse to poke fun at all Espadas to get rid of that boredom. However, going to the party almost guaranteed that he would get to see Ulquiorra again, although he still had no idea what he should say to Ulquiorra in their current situation.
Once again, Grimmjow sighed. He supposed he could just make it up as he went, granted Ulquiorra bothered to listen to what he had to say instead of reverting to calling him trash and ignoring him like he used to.
It was rare for Ulquiorra to walk around with his coat being zipped down low enough to reveal the Hollow hole on his sternum. However, judging from the beads of sweat around his hairline, the reason that the Cuarta Espada had yet to zip up his attire might be because he had just finished working out.
Anyone else would prefer to laze around in Las Noches after having been sent out to a three-week mission, but Ulquiorra couldn't really find a peace of his mind by sitting around, so he decided to ask for Aizen's permission to go out of Las Noches again, believing that having a training in his Resurrección form would help him clear his head.
It was already the third day that he spent the whole day training outside and only returned at night to rest in his quarters. The training didn't really help him clear his mind much, but at the very least, it managed to tire him enough that he could sleep at nights without thinking of that one same useless topic.
Weary, Ulquiorra couldn't quite decide what he should do first between finding something to eat and taking a nice warm bath. However, before he could make his decision, his path was intercepted by a silver-haired Shinigami who couldn't look happier to catch him there.
"Ah, Ulquiorra. I thought I'd have to go out and find where you're training," Gin remarked chirpily.
"Why are you looking for me?"
"We're having a welcome party for the new Arrancars just now," the Shinigami stated. "It'd be great if you'd just drop by for a few moments."
"I don't believe I'm in the right state to attend such a party."
"Of course you are," Ichimaru insisted. "Everyone is already drinking and dancing, so no one would mind if you're a little sweaty. Come on, Ulquiorra, you can always be alone in your room any other time, but we rarely have a party like this."
Knowing that arguing with Gin would only prolong him from his initial plan, Ulquiorra decided that he should humor the Shinigami and go to the party, have a drink and then leave. After all, agreeing to go to the party didn't mean that he had to stay there until the very end.
"Since you insist, I will go."
"Great. Then wear these."
By saying "these," Ichimaru magically pulled a sombrero hat and a colorful poncho out of his sleeves, and before Ulquiorra could protest, he quickly put them on the Espada.
"Now we're ready to go!" Ichimaru announced, and he was all but dragging Ulquiorra by the hand to the direction of the ballroom where the party was taking place at that moment.
After Ulquiorra followed Ichimaru to the ballroom where the party was taking place, he had to agree that the Shinigami was right about the drinking and dancing part. With a quick glance, Ulquiorra could identify most of the Números that were drinking and chatting loudly. Some Espadas also presented in the room, although he couldn't say that he was surprised that Barragan, Zommari and Aaroniero were not among them as he couldn't see them as a type who liked to party.
Starrk and Harribel were sitting together, exchanging some words while Lilynette was dancing with Harribel's three Fraccións. Yammy was in one corner of the room with his dog, too focused on the silver tray of food in his hands to socialize with others. The rest of the Espadas, namely Nnoitra, Grimmjow, and Szayelaporro were sitting together at one table, downing shot after shot of tequila cruda as if to compete who was going to fall unconscious from drinking first.
Ulquiorra's green eyes fell on the blue-haired man who slammed a caballito glass down on the bar after he downed the tequila shot so that Tesra, who was acting as a bartender, could refill the glass. Although he told himself he should just ignore Grimmjow like he used to, his eyes still remained there even as the Sexta Espada sucked a piece of lime to end the shot and reached out for the salt shaker to begin the next round.
He couldn't tell if the weight of his stare could be sensed by Grimmjow or if it was just a coincidence that the blue-eyed Espada slowly turned to his direction, and the moment their eyes locked, Grimmjow ceased to continue drinking.
Seeing the way the two Espadas were staring at one another across the room, Gin smiled lopsidedly and leaned in to suggest to Ulquiorra, "Why don't you just go and mingle with your friend?"
Broken out of his trance, Ulquiorra turned to Ichimaru and remarked, "That man is not my friend."
It took Gin every ounce of control he possessed in his body not to say, "lover, then" just then. He didn't think Ulquiorra would turn and bite him for such a comment, but he knew that sometimes saying too much might have brought an undesirable result. Therefore, in order to see a happy ending, Ichimaru decided that he would put some limits to his teasing.
"Oh, well, whatever you say, Ulquiorra," Gin remarked. "Anyway, you should eat something and have a drink or two. Don't just stand there and be a party pooper."
With that said, Gin gave Ulquiorra a smile and patted him softly on the shoulder before he slipped into the party to find someone else he could pull a prank on.
The Cuarta Espada made his point never to look at the direction Grimmjow was in again as he turned and acknowledged greetings from some Números. After he had stayed long enough to eat some nachos that the waiter offered to him and down a shot of mescal, Ulquiorra quietly slipped out of the party.
Grimmjow didn't really know how Nnoitra and Szayelaporro managed to coax him into having a drinking match with them, but when he realized again, he had already lost count of shots of tequila he had downed that night, and he wouldn't have stopped if he didn't feel as though he was being stared by someone.
Because he felt some kind of pull to it, he couldn't help turning to the direction he sensed that stare coming from, and he almost froze when he saw Ulquiorra standing in front of the door, wearing a ridiculously huge sombrero and rainbow-colored poncho.
It had only been three days, but it still felt like forever since the last time he saw Ulquiorra, and the moment their eyes met, everything else became a blur except for that green-eyed man. However, the spell was soon broken when Ulquiorra turned to speak to Gin after the Shinigami whispered something to him.
Nnoitra, who was sitting next to him, turned to the same direction Grimmjow was looking at and smiled widely before he nudged the blue-haired Espada with an elbow.
"You know, why don't you go out and invite Ulquiorra to join us?" suggested the Quinta Espada. "I always wonder how he's gonna be like when he's drunk, and I mean, completely drunk."
"Right," Szayelaporro agreed, although his word sounded a little slurred. "He's always so stuck up. It'd be fun to see him lose control."
Grimmjow narrowed his eyes slightly. He couldn't tell if the irritation he felt was a result of Nnoitra and Szayelaporro's comment on Ulquiorra or due to the fact that Ulquiorra was speaking to some nameless Números when he had been avoiding Grimmjow like the plague for the past three days.
"Ulquiorra's not bad once you get to know him," Grimmjow commented. "And I wouldn't say he's a stuck up bastard either. He's just not keen on how to interact with people."
Szayelaporro raised his brows. "Wow...I never thought there'd be a day when you speak in his defense. I mean, you're always the first to criticize him."
"You know, for someone who claims to be a genius, you can be really dense sometimes," Nnoitra commented. "This guy here can't stand us criticizing Ulquiorra cuz he thinks he's the only person who's allowed to do so."
The Octava Espada put on a dubious look.
"But if you put it that way, it sounds almost like Grimmjow is in love with him?"
"That's cuz he is."
"What the fuck?" Grimmjow yelped, turning sharply to the pink-haired scientist. "Where the hell did that come from? Are you two drunk already?"
"See, Szayel?" Nnoitra remarked. "He didn't even deny it."
Szayelaporro and Nnoitra shared a drunken laugh while Grimmjow felt heat rising up his face, and he didn't think it was due to the amount of tequila he had drunk. Feeling somewhat self-conscious despite being half-drunk, Grimmjow looked back to the spot Ulquiorra had previously occupied only to see the Cuarta Espada had already disappeared.
Recalling that his only reason for showing up at the party at all was for a chance to talk with Ulquiorra, Grimmjow slammed the caballito down on the table.
"Damn it! Why did I even bother to drink with you motherfuckers again?" Grimmjow swore.
"What the-? Are you looking for a fight, asshole?" Nnoitra returned, reaching for his oversize zanpakutō.
"Challenge me again when you're sober," Grimmjow replied before he got up. He might have felt a bit drunk before, but somehow the fact that Ulquiorra had left before he had a chance to speak to the man managed to make him sober up. "I'm leaving."
With that said, Grimmjow got up and walked out of the ballroom.
When Grimmjow thought about it again, he might not really be as sober as he thought he was; since he didn't think he would try to track Ulquiorra down by the man's spiritual power otherwise. After all, he knew that after everything Ulquiorra would need some time and space to think it through, and he had told himself that he would respect that and waited until then.
Or perhaps he had already been sober, but having seen Ulquiorra's face again that night made it impossible for him to continue waiting. Somehow he came to think that Ulquiorra might never forgive him, so to wait any longer might cause Ulquiorra to be colder toward him, which was definitely not a good idea.
As he made a turn in the corner, Grimmjow wondered again why Ulquiorra's thought mattered to him so much. He never recalled chasing anyone after the end of any affair. In fact, he always believed that it would be fruitless to try to hold on to someone when they no longer wanted to be there, so it would be more useful to let them go and look for someone new.
Perhaps it was because he never really felt anything for any of his partners in the previous affairs, except for passions of the body that could easily die down once the desire was sated. Perhaps Nnoitra was not completely wrong about him having fallen for Ulquiorra although to be completely honest, Grimmjow didn't really know what love really was, so he couldn't be sure about it.
In any case, Grimmjow decided that he couldn't lose what he never really had, so he followed Ulquiorra's spiritual trace until he reached to the area of an artificial, open-air onsen that was located inside a botanical garden.
Although he knew he shouldn't stare, Grimmjow still found himself staring at Ulquiorra, who was sitting in the hot spring with his eyes closed. The scene could be described as nostalgic, as it reminded him of that fateful morning in Hueco Mundo's desert, except that it was Ulquiorra who was sitting in a hot bath and not Grimmjow in a cold canal. Not to mention, he doubted Ulquiorra would try to undress him with his eyes even though he was already naked like Grimmjow was doing to Ulquiorra at that moment.
It didn't take long for Ulquiorra to notice that he was no longer alone in the area, so he slowly opened his emerald eyes, which he quickly narrowed when he saw the person who stood in front of him.
Grimmjow didn't know if he should admire Ulquiorra's composure or feel insulted by the man's lack of reaction to his presence. After all, he had openly declared his sexual desire for Ulquiorra, and the man was naked and defenseless in that bath. Anyone else would have at least tried to cover themselves or chase him out if they were in Ulquiorra's shoes, yet the Cuarta Espada was still sitting there, motionless.
"Why are you here?"
There was no greeting or preamble, just a curt question, uttered in a cold nonchalant tone that was Ulquiorra's trademark. Even so, Grimmjow was glad that at least Ulquiorra had yet to revert to calling him by his rank, or worse, dubbing him as trash.
"I'm here to talk."
"Haven't you already said everything there was to say?"
"Yeah, that's true, but..." Grimmjow trailed off. "Isn't there anything I can do so that you will forgive me?"
Ulquiorra blinked for a couple of times as if he couldn't understand any word Grimmjow was saying.
"There is nothing to forgive," the raven-haired Espada replied calmly without any trace of sarcasm.
It was Grimmjow's turn to be confused.
"What do you mean there's nothing to forgive? Aren't you angry with me at least?"
Ulquiorra sighed and closed his eyes. "I'm not angry with you."
"Like hell you're not!" Grimmjow opposed. "You've been avoiding me, haven't you?"
"Yes, I admit that I have avoided you to some extent, but it is not because I am angry," Ulquiorra said, then paused for a second before he added, "not at you, at least."
"If you're not angry with me, then what are you angry at? Why have you been avoiding me?"
"That is none of your concern."
It was unclear whether Ulquiorra intended to anger Grimmjow with his reply, but those words made the Sexta Espada see red.
"Of course, it is my fucking concern!" he stated. "What do you think I'm here for?"
"Obviously not for a bath," the Cuarta Espada observed.
Grimmjow rubbed the bridge of his nose.
"I really don't get you, Ulquiorra. Why do you always answer the question that I don't really want to know an answer, but never the one that I really need to hear?"
It seemed Ulquiorra understood that the last question from Grimmjow was rhetoric, so he didn't reply to it. Instead, the Cuarta Espada sighed opted to answer the question that he had avoided answering earlier, "I think I'm mostly angry at myself."
Grimmjow blinked at the answer.
"I believe I have already mentioned to you before that before Aizen-sama found me and took me in, I had always been alone in the desert, simply going through the motion without having any real purpose in being."
"Yeah, you've mentioned something like that," Grimmjow confirmed even though he didn't know how that would be of any relevant to what the subject they were discussing.
"The truth is I never had a problem with being by myself," Ulquiorra continued his explanation, "but after I befriended you, I've begun to get used to the thought of having you around, and somehow I clung on to that thought even though I shouldn't have. So basically, I'm angry at myself for ever caring about it – for caring about you – when everything was supposed to be just an experiment, and it shouldn't have mattered how, when and why it ended."
Grimmjow wondered if it would be alright for him to have a hope.
"Does that mean you care about me?"
"To a certain degree, yes," the Cuarta Espada admitted with a nod. "To be honest, I felt somewhat betrayed when you mentioned that you never saw me as your friend. Back then, the thought of you lying to me did anger me. However, now I realize I shouldn't have blamed you for anything that had happened when it was my own choice to have trusted you. You never asked me for it. I just came up with that expectation by myself."
"Expectation?"
"That it would last, I suppose," Ulquiorra supplied, "but it doesn't really matter now. I will try to forget everything that has happened in the past months as soon as possible so that everything can go back to how it was before this experiment started, and I suggest you do the same as well."
"What the hell, Ulquiorra? You think it'd be that easy to forget?"
"No, I don't, but I can't think of any better solution."
With that said, Ulquiorra reached for the bathrobe that he had left by the edge of the onsen before he stood up and wrapped himself in it.
"Anyway, this should be the end of our discussion. Unless, of course, you have something to add."
Of course, he had something to add. He would be damned if he were to let Ulquiorra go just like that without saying anything.
"Yeah, you bet I do," Grimmjow said as he instinctively moved to block Ulquiorra's path to make sure that the man wouldn't leave before he finished. "Because I don't think you understood any words I said to you the other day at all."
Ulquiorra furrowed his brows.
"I don't think I've misunderstood anything. You said it rather clearly that you never wanted to be my friend from the start, and even after everything, you still didn't see me as one."
Grimmjow rake his fingers through his blue hair and growled in frustration.
"Yeah, that's what I said, but you certainly missed the meaning behind it."
"What else could it mean then?"
The Sexta Espada rubbed his temples. Perhaps it was his own fault to assume that Ulquiorra got the meaning behind his words in the first place, when he should have known that the man didn't know much about emotions, and thus he should have been more direct in the matter.
"It means... How should I put it so that you won't misunderstand me again?" Grimmjow sighed. Although he knew he shouldn't have been upset with Ulquiorra for not understanding him when he still didn't quite understand himself, he couldn't help feeling frustrated. After all, it took all of his courage to speak to Ulquiorra the last time, and he had to explain it all over again. "When I said I never saw you as a friend, I meant I wanted you to be more than a friend."
"More?" Ulquiorra asked, furrowing his brows. "I thought you said you didn't like me."
"As a friend, I said I didn't like you as a simple friend," Grimmjow added. "Oh, screw it! I'll just be honest and say it clearly this time. I'm attracted to you, Ulquiorra, and when I said attracted, I mean in a way that I want to push you down to the ground and have my way with you. That's why I said I didn't think of you as a friend, because I'd prefer you to be my lover. There! I've said it. Shit! This is so embarrassing."
Ulquiorra blinked before he looked at Grimmjow as if the man had just told him that a pig could fly.
"Anyway, that's why I made a move on you," Grimmjow continued, though he couldn't quite look at Ulquiorra in the eye. "I know I sorta tricked you into it, and there's not any excuse for that. It's completely okay for you to feel betrayed and angry, but if you're gonna go back and treat me with indifference, let it be because you can't consider me as a lover and can no longer treat me as your friend after what I did, not because you thought I didn't care about you."
Once again, Ulquiorra blinked.
"Let me get this straight. You didn't hate me?"
"No, and to be honest, I don't think I ever did. I only hate that you always refer to me as trash."
Ulquiorra's frown was deepened to the point that his brows might as well be knitted together.
"I don't know what to make of this," the Cuarta Espada remarked after some thought.
Grimmjow sighed.
"You don't have to say anything now, Ulquiorra. Just take your time and think about it," he said softly. "By the way, I should also say again that I'm sorry about everything that I did before, and that even if you can't consider me as your lover, I'd like to still be your friend, if you'd still allow it, that is."
Once again, Ulquiorra looked troubled by how the situation had changed. Although it appeared that Grimmjow didn't intend to toy with him as he had believed, he still had no idea what he should say to the blue-haired man then except, "Alright, I'll think about it."
"Thanks."
Grimmjow then took a step aside to open the path for Ulquiorra to leave.
It appeared he would have many more restless nights ahead of him, although on the upside, he wasn't completely rejected yet. He didn't think he had ever had that kind of feeling before, but it didn't feel so bad. Now that everything was clear between them, all he could do was waiting for Ulquiorra's response, and hoping that it would be a favorable one.
End of Chapter XII