Chapter 11

Night Terrors

The nightmare terrified me, especially after he sang me to sleep so sweetly. I still don't know what woke me up, only that I was alone in the dark and quiet basement and he was gone. It was actually the first time I'd woken up without him watching me. I called him and he didn't answer. The blackness of the basement stirred up all kinds of fears of what could be hiding in the unknown. I worried that the nightmare was the truth, and faceless immortals had come and taken him away. As I think about this now, I have to wonder why that would worry me if I was spared and left behind. But at the time I feared that he was being destroyed by the Volturi, whoever they may be.

I was at least able to find my clothes in the darkness, shaking them to dislodge imaginary beetles and spiders before I dressed in the darkness. The time passed in sensory deprivation began to gnaw on my reasoning and I spent maybe five minutes, five hours, five years – screaming in panic before the sound of the dog barking snapped me out of it.

I hate that it is so easy for my active imagination to overcome my sense of reason. I think there is within us all, the nameless fear of what is lurking to devour us when no one can see or save us. But more than the darkness and the quiet, and the helplessness, I hate being alone. I sit on the bed weighed down with the thought that there is no one to miss me, or look for me, or mourn me when I'm gone. I hate it! As much as I complained about Stefan's odd attentions, at least I wasn't alone.

I stand up and pace the cell. I know where everything is and I try to stay calm and not scream and destroy the place like I did the first night. I do know that it is night because of the completeness of the dark. There are windows in the cellar and by day, light does filter through and bounce off the walls.

But it's night and I'm alone, and my imagination runs wild as I think of him dead at mysterious immortal hands. I think that as much as I'd like to get back into bed, the bugs have already sought out my warm spot to congregate, and I think that there's precious little difference between being alive in the cell alone and being dead and entombed alone. Dead at least I would not feel the panic warring with the emptiness within me. Part of me wants to fight and part of me just wants to crawl into a hole and pull in the dirt.

I often feel like the tree falling in the woods; if there is no one to hear me, do I make any sound? If there is no one to see me, do I exist? If there is no one to know I am alive, am I more than a ghost? And if I am what is the point? Single, alone, solitary, abandoned, and desolate. I hate this! If I have a choice I will choose anything but this. This is why I allowed Lucien to guide me, and perhaps to use me. I cannot stand the emptiness of my own company. As much as Stefan has presented me with his danger and threats, at least he has also been companionable. It sickens me, this deep pit of neediness I have within me, threatening to suck me inside with vacuum strength. I despise that I am so weak and starved for contact and connection to anyone who will fill the void, at least momentarily preventing me from being pulled completely into myself until I disappear without a trace.

I shake the blankets for imaginary vermin and once again climb into bed. I want to sleep. I feel tired and drained to the point my mind is getting carried away with me. I wish for Stefan, even if he comes to feed. I wish for him even if he comes to violate and possess me. In the dark I can imagine how that would feel, but all I can truly contemplate are his unbreakable arms around me. In my silent darkness I can admit that I want him more than I've ever wanted any other man. To be held by someone who couldn't be taken from me. To be known by someone who would remember me forever.

"Please come back." I whisper into the darkness.

I sit with my knees drawn up to my chin and the tears drying on my face, for an amount of time I'll never know nor regain. I hear noises, faint and distant. I wait with my heart beating faster and a small glimmer of hope. I hear the familiar door opening and loud footsteps falling on the staircase. I see the lights come on and I'm momentarily blinded as the darkness rushes away empty handed – this time. I rush to the glass and wait for him – please let it be him. I strain to see around the corner, then force myself to relax as the shadows stretch into my view.

It's him! And another with him and I'm unsure who this is as his look is so uncertain. Is this one of his enemies? He introduces me and the name is unfamiliar. It's not one from his story. Still it's him and I rush to the glass and feast on him with my eyes. I've missed him; this man who could still be my killer. The other one doesn't matter as much but I see that there is a friendliness in his eyes but not in his stance. I confess about my nightmare and being awake. When Stefan opens the cell I rush to him, suddenly overwhelmed with my fears and my needs. His arms; his wonderful iron embrace enfolds me and my resistance is gone as I throw my arms around him and kiss him. Anything for him.

I'm lost, and it's only the stranger who keeps me from giving myself wholly to him. His arm between us is just as strong as Stefan's and his warning tone brings me back to my senses long enough to retreat to the cell and close the door. When they leave Stefan apologizes on the way and I am once again left alone. I read the note I couldn't see in the dark and I laugh at my insecurity. In the light I can brush my hair and straighten my clothes as I strain to listen to the faint noises above me.

I'm drifting in and out of sleep when I hear the door and footsteps again. I jump up to see him, but it's the other one – Carlisle who greets me with a smile. He holds a bag in his hand and he also has the key to the cell. I wonder if this is some kind of vampire prisoner exchange program and I back into the corner of the bed as he opens the door. I know it's stupid since I couldn't win any fight against them. Still he's looking at me, giving me all of his attention, and he hasn't tried to kill me yet.

"Hello Summer, I'm Doctor Carlisle Cullen." There's the smile again and I almost feel it's genuine. "I'm from the U.S. Just like you; Washington state to be specific." He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his wallet. "I've got a family back home." He pulls out a picture and reaches across the bed to hand it to me. As I look at the happy family I feel the familiar ache, since I have no such photo; at least not one where the people are still living. He's moved closer to me and is pointing at the people. "That's Esme my wife. That's Edward and his wife Bella and their daughter Renesmee. That's Rosalie and her husband Emmett, and that's Alice and her husband Jasper. They're all adopted Summer, well except for Remesmee."

It surprises me that he's adopted so many, especially since some of them look like they really could be his children. Still it doesn't help since even that avenue of growing my family is closed to me. He takes the picture and slides it back into his wallet and looks at me. "In case you're wondering, yes I am a vampire, and yes I am a real doctor. I treat humans back home and I've never killed any of my patients. Well, actually that's not true. I killed four of my patients who became my family members. They were so close to death when I turned them they would have died anyway. Still their deaths are on my hands – or teeth as it may be. I'm a good doctor and I don't hunt humans – never have." He smiles reassuringly.

"So, Stefan told me he hurt you earlier this evening and I would like it if you would allow me to examine you and make sure you're not hurt more seriously than you think. You would be my patient and everything would be confidential. Would that be okay with you Summer?" He reminds me a bit of my father and I nod my head.

"If you would just undress down to your bra and underwear I can do a proper exam." He moves the screen away from the toilet and sets it so it blocks me from view of the glass. He turns his back to wash his hands in the sink and I undress as he asked. I notice the steam rising from the sink and I realize he's warming his hands as well as cleaning them.

I'm sitting on the bed when he turns and his eyes meet mine. I like that he doesn't look first at my body. He indicates that I should turn away from him, and I feel his hands on my back and shoulders. His touch is gentle, but I can still feel pain where he touches.

He prods around my torso asking if this or that hurts. There is some pain, but nothing I can't handle. When he finishes, he tells me to get dressed and assures me that my ribs are not broken. "But you do have some serious bruises. Do you think he was trying to hurt you?"

"No. I was...we were just kissing." I can feel myself blush as I remember how badly I wanted him. "I don't think he wanted to hurt me; but I didn't stay away like I should." I look at him and see concern in his eyes. "You're my doctor, so I'll be honest with you. I want him. A few bruises doesn't matter to me. I'm twenty-three and I've never made love before. I've never been so attracted to anyone as I am to Stefan. But it's not his fault since it starts with me. It's almost like we're both magnetic, but mine is stronger. I'm pulling him in without even trying to, and he responds by unconsciously influencing me. Then I want him more, and it builds in this way until I can't resist. It's very powerful!" I look at Dr. Carlisle and he's watching me with an odd look on his face.

"Summer, are you 'pulling at' me?" He has his hands shoved deep in his pockets.

"NO! I...I was kind of thinking that you remind me of my father. No, I'm not attracted to you that way, why?"

He takes a step back and smiles. "Well, just so you know, it's taking all of my resolve not to pounce on you right now. Don't worry, I'm good at this, but you are most definitely a magnet; and a very strong magnet at that. Tell me my dear, how do most human men act around you?"

"They're dogs! I used to date before dad got so sick he needed me, and they were all...just out for one thing." I watch him flip open his wallet and take out a picture of the red head, staring at it as he asks his questions.

"And how do most women react around you?" He doesn't even look at me; just stares at the photo.

"I have a lot of girlfriends. I lose a lot when their boyfriends hit on me though. But still I have a lot of close girlfriends. Why?" I wonder what he's getting at as he takes another step back.

"So, how did you feel about Stefan when you first saw him?"

I had to think back to remember exactly what I thought. "I was afraid. I thought the house was empty and I knew Lucian was hurt or worse. When he came for me I knew he was going to kill me; and I thought...how beautiful he is... to die in his arms would be...so right. But if he would make love to me first I would die happy." I look at the doctor who doesn't look up but nods. "My god, I think I wanted him from the beginning! I don't want to die, I want...whatever he wants. Does he have that kind of power Carlisle?"

"Oh yes he does, but he swears he's not using it against you. Do you know my wife Esme has the most beautiful eyes of any woman I've ever seen? And she is so kind and loving she wanted to die when she lost a child. Summer, please if you can control this, DO IT!" I can see the strain on him and I know I'm not controlling it.

"You just have to get out of here and shut the door. It works for Stefan, just go!" I hear him snarl low in his throat and he lunges for me. He's fast and I'm off guard and I'm in his arms and pressed against him as he kisses up my neck and takes possession of my lips. I've got nothing to fight him so I hold still without responding. His lips, his tongue, his hands on me...so enticing and not what I want – not who I want! To his credit he stops and stares at me wide-eyed before fleeing to the other side of the barrier.

He paces back and forth outside the door while he holds the key in his hand. He finally stops and looks through the glass at me. "Dear God what have I done!" His face looks even whiter than before and I see he's more shaken than I realized.

"Don't worry, you're not the first to behave like that around me. I've kind of become used to it, and you didn't hurt me or anything."

"No, you don't understand. Not only am I happily married, I've never ever lost control like that! I'm a doctor and if I can't control my different lusts I can't be a doctor. If Stefan has not given in to you, he must have incredible control. A younger vampire would have done unspeakable things to you." He paces again, and he seems to be getting himself under control when he looks my way again. "I'm so sorry Summer. I'll stay out here and not put you at risk."

"You've left your bag in here."

"Just leave it there. I don't have anything in that bag that's worth what almost happened." He seems puzzled as he looks at me.

"I don't think Stefan would have let you hurt me. He's probably on the steps listening or something." I hope I'm telling the truth since the thought of him abandoning me is more upsetting than what Carlisle could have done to me. I hear the loud click of his heels in the distance and it makes me smile.

"Summer, how does your family behave around you?" He's still working the puzzle, but I feel tears come to my eyes at the mention of my family.

"I'm alone. I don't have family, just a lot of girlfriends and a string of bad dates. My dad died before I graduated college, and my mother left when I was younger. She died too. I'm an only child and Dad was an orphan. There's no one. But when he was alive, dad was normal and treated me just like a dad. I did all the normal things, and we were happy even without my mother."

"So when did the dogs start to show up? I mean were the boys in school crazy about you ? Was it men in college, or was it later?"

I had to think. I can remember dad comforting me after a particularly bad date. I had to call a cab to take me home since dad couldn't drive and come and get me. "I think it got really bad during my freshman year of college. Dad was sick and I spent a lot of time taking care of him. He would insist I go out, and I did get asked out a lot. But they were all jerks. Dad used to be the one to invite the guy in and talk to him first, but he was so sick he could only kiss me goodbye and wish me luck. I sometimes wondered if they could sense I didn't have a champion anymore." I thought back and tried to think of just one good date, but they were all horrible.

"Doctor Cullen, I must have had this...magnetism even then. I can't remember a date that didn't try to take advantage of me. I started carrying cab fare and pepper spray. Even guys my girlfriends fixed me up with and swore were perfect gentlemen, would turn into creeps before I made it home. I never saw the pattern."

"So, did you go to any dances in school? What about homecoming and the prom?" He looked like he still had a lot of questions.

"I did all that, but the guys were just guys. I had a boyfriend in high school, but it didn't last long" I wonder about his questions but he seems to have a reason for asking.

"Summer, what scares you?" He asks the question and I stare at him. I don't want to answer him. "What is your biggest fear?" I wonder if it's plain on my face. I can feel my heart trying to beat it's way out of my chest.

"I don't want to say it. If I say it then it will happen and I can't take that." I feel tears in my eyes and I wipe them on my sleeve.

"You know it doesn't work like that," he argues. "I need to know Summer."

"Alone." I whisper. "I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of dying alone and living alone and being forgotten and being forgettable. I'm terrified of having no connection to people. I came here just to have a connection to my great grandmother, and she's been dead for years. Everything about being alone terrifies me. When I came here, if Stefan had killed me I wouldn't have died alone, and he would have remembered me. I'm not afraid of dying, I've come to terms with my own death, but I don't want to be alone." I feel the tears streaming down my face and I wipe them, but they keep coming.

I look up and there is a short confrontation outside my cell. Carlisle looks like he would block Stefan, but he quickly relents and Stefan breezes through the door and pulls me to him. He holds me gently, kissing the top of my head and soothing me with his soft words. He wipes the tears from my eyes as I pull him to me.

I am vaguely aware of Carlisle watching, then he edges into the cell and removes his bag. Stefan gathers me onto his lap as he sits in the chair. Carlisle remains outside the cell looking amazed at our closeness.

"Summer, tell me what you feel about Stefan."

I don't know how to respond since he's right here with me. But with my head on his shoulder and his arm around me I feel safe. "I like him. I think he's the best looking man I've ever seen. I feel so attracted to him it's crazy how intense it is sometimes. I love his voice when he sings, and I enjoy hearing his passion over things the world has forgotten. I like the way he writes, and I can't look at him without wanting to tangle my fingers into his dark curls." I know I'm blushing, and his fingers comb gently through my hair.

"But I'm also scared of his hunger. I can't stand to think of all those he's killed. He's such a controlling male chauvinist it drives me crazy. He can be boring sometimes, like when he rambles on in Latin or some other language. And his suits are ancient and remind me of an old undertaker. And he has a tendency to treat me like he owns me."

I hear Stefan laughing to himself, then he whispers, "you are mine." I want to protest but it's true. When did that happen? I'm overwhelmed with his presence and that sense of belonging to him.

"Stefan, I think I have figured out a few things. I'm not certain, and I know Eleazar could tell you more. But Summer is like a magnet. She's pulling people to her because she doesn't want to be alone. She's alone now without her parents or family, so it's like she's casting a net to pull people to her. It's unfortunate that she's such an attractive woman and most men see her in only one way. Once they know more about her it likely won't affect them as negatively. She's not controlling it, but it's funny that when she's with you I don't feel the attraction. Maybe instead of a net it could be more like a single lure? Or maybe it's only for you?"

I am listening to Carlisle and what he is saying makes perfect sense to me. Except that it sounds like some kind of magic power which is just too hard to swallow. Okay, I'm sitting on the lap of a vampire, mentally debating the existence of magic. I must be nuts!

"So it seems that if she's fishing, or drawing you in, then there's something in your ability that responds to her lure and pulls back. You are essentially two magnets. Hers works on anyone, but yours only attracts her; at least when you're not trying." Carlisle looks puzzled as I kiss Stefan's neck, nipping at him in the way I know he'd like to do to me.

Carlisle taps on the glass to get our attention. "Stefan, what if siete il suo cantante?" His head snaps up and he answers angrily.

"She is not my singer! It's not her blood I want – that would be too easy. I wouldn't have called you if she was my singer. Sorry to say it would have been too late." He caresses my face and smooths my hair.

Carlisle laughs on the other side of the wall. "Stefan you've been away from Italy for a long time. I didn't say she was your singer, I said you were her singer. Just look at her! She wants you in a way I've never seen a human woman want a vampire. Even Bella didn't behave that way toward Edward, and they were in love. She was his singer, and he had to fight to stay in control around her at all times. Summer can't hurt you, but she seems to have laid claim to you. She could probably have any man she wants, and she wants you."

"She is still in the room you know!" I don't want them to keep talking about me like I am the family cat; even if I am curled up on Stefan's lap. "And what's this singer you're talking about? He sang me to sleep already and he has a beautiful voice." I know I am missing something, but I'm tired and secure in Stefan's arms.

He whispers to me. "Little one, there are many different types of blood, and it is flavored with the life of the one it lives within. It is rare, but sometimes one of our kind happens upon one whose blood is so enticing to them, it is as if it sings for them. It is almost impossible to resist, and the memory of it would last a lifetime. Carlisle's son met his singer and instead of feeding from her, he fell in love with her. He spent years with her though every minute of every day he thirsted for her blood. He seems to think I hold a similar fascination for you." He laughs and kisses my forehead.

I have to ask. "What happened to her?"

Carlisle answers me. "They got married. On their honeymoon he had to fight not to hurt her, and even still he left her body bruised and destroyed a bed and several pillows. She conceived my granddaughter and the child would have killed her if we hadn't been prepared for what could happen. In order to save Bella, my son had to change her into one of us. The baby destroyed her body being born, and the child is half human, and half vampire."

"The little girl in the picture! I wondered who she was and how one of you could have a child. It must be nice to have such a large and happy family." I hold onto Stefan imagining if his blood really did sing for me what it would be like. It couldn't be more attractive than this.

Stefan stands up and effortlessly sets me on the bed. He walks to the glass and asks Carlisle if he will stay until tomorrow to help him figure out what we should do. The doctor agrees and Stefan promises to come back as soon as he settles his guest.

They disappear and I change back into my nightgown. I wonder about the Bella and Edward he was talking about. A vampire man and a human woman who not only made love, but also had a child – unbelievable! It gives me hope to know that making love to a vampire is possible if a little painful. More to the point, it means that it is possible for me to make love with Stefan.

Alone I contemplate my feelings. Why do I want this? When did this happen that I no longer want to escape, but want instead to do the ridiculous? I've never had a thing for dangerous men before. I've always been the one to counsel girlfriends to leave those bad relationships before they got hurt, so why now? I sit on my bed with my knees drawn up and try to get in touch with what's driving my attraction. If I take away the attraction, I'm left with...a killer. It's my fear I've had to put a voice to so recently. I'm afraid of...dying alone and unremembered. Living alone with no one to care for me if and when my body betrays me like my father's did.

I have an even chance that I too will wind up like that. I remember the years I cared for him, at first doing the simple tasks that eluded him, but in the end I did almost everything for him. And it was never enough to save him. I miss him so much! The tears fall silently as I bury my face in my arms. I don't hear him but feel his arms around me. Stefan is with me, holding me and whispering calming words against my hair. He gently moves me and sits next to me on the bed, pulling me against him with his iron arms around me.

I wonder if I'm not trying to purchase some kind of loyalty or commitment from him with my willingness to please him. Maybe I am...but with his arms around me and his soft words buried in my hair I don't care. I open my eyes to look at him and I'm surprised to see he's not wearing his normal suit but is instead wearing pajamas.

He smiles at my realization. "Carlisle has agreed to stay the night. He has more he would like to discuss with you once you are better rested. With your permission I will stay here while you sleep and keep away the bad dreams. Carlisle will listen to protect you if I get carried away."

"And what if I get carried away?" I tease as I snuggle up against him.

"Draga mea, please do not do that! You need to sleep, and I am barely able to resist you now. Will you tell me for what you are crying?"

"I will, but first let's get comfortable." I slide down in the bed and he stretches out, cradling me against him. I find I can't just lie next to him, and so I lie on my side to face him with my body partially on his. I hear him groan from deep inside as I choose this position, but he doesn't object. His body is so solid and hard it's almost like living stone. He spends time tucking the blanket around me, creating a slight barrier between our contact points. As soon as I'm comfortable he asks again about my crying. I tell him about my father, and even about the loss of my mother. I don't feel the need to cry with him beside me, lightly stroking my hair, my back and my face. I don't remember closing my eyes but when I briefly startle awake he soothes me back to sleep.