De Immortalitate – Immortality
Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended at any point.
Are you ready to meet Alice? Her Latin name, Alica, means "sea" ("als"). It was also the name of anchovies and a sea nymph.
Chapter 3 – Gods
"Deorum Manium iura sancta sunto.
Humanos leto datos divos habento."
"Let the rights of the gods of the dead be punctually discharged.
Let those who have past into the world of souls be considered as divinified."
(Cicero, De Legibus, 2, 9, 22)
Antonius' POV
"Antoooonius," the girl shrieked as soon as she spotted me. I was arriving at the domus to spend spring and summer there. She ran toward me through the gardens, incapable of holding back her enthusiasm. I beamed as soon as I saw that she was no longer a child but was becoming a pretty young lady. She threw her arms around my neck – at least, she attempted to, because she was so small that she couldn't reach higher than my chest.
She was immediately followed by her parents, who blanched when they saw the way she was clinging to me, her young master. They bowed their heads in front of me,and the mother scolded her daughter.
"I apologize, master," the father said. "She's a just a child. Please forgive her brass."
I laughed.
"There's nothing to apologize for! You know that Alica is like a little sister tome,and it seems that she's no longer a child. The gods have been gracious to you, Alica; you're a fine young woman. The mistress would be delighted to see you!"
Alica released me and flashed me her brightest smile. "You will marry me, Antonius, won't you?"
"Alica!" her mother scolded again. "How do you dare to say this to the master!"
I, however, remained unflustered.
"Little Alica, you know that I want to join the war. I'll be busy and far away from here. Who will take care of you? I'll always be your big brother,and you'll find a handsome and good man that will love you and will give you many beautiful children. You'll be a wonderful wife and a happy mother."
Alica pouted and I was puzzled.
"What? Don't you want to become a materfamilias?"
"You said that I'll find a handsome man."
"Of course you will."
"You lied." Alica's parents gasped, but I stopped them before they could scold their daughter again.
"Why?"
"Nobody could be as handsome as you," Alica stated, eliciting another whole-hearted laugh from me.
"Thank you, little girl, I'm flattered. But now, go to my mother."
"Antonius...when you arein the war, I'll pray to the gods for you every day."
"I'll count on it, Alica."
I dismissed the little servant and greeted her parents.
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When I woke up, it was still dark, but I couldn't sleep anymore. It wasn't the first time that Alica had showed up in my dreams. They were nightmares; every happy memory was marred by what had happened to her later.
I went outside, alone. It was a chilly fall dawn, but the winter was still a long way off. Every day was a new step toward Felix's next visit, and the thought of his incursion was unbearable.
I wandered through the dark gardens until the sunrise painted the sky with pink strokes, and it made me remember a shy girl with peach-hued cheeks.
Is she still sleeping? I wondered. Where has Esma put her?
Bella and Esma were the only women in the manor house, and I felt strange knowing that a beautiful girl and I slept under the same roof.
When I got back to the house, Esma was already working in the kitchen. She prepared bread and cheese and fresh milk for my breakfast and asked if there was anything else that she could do for me.
"How is Bella doing?" I asked.
Esma didn't show her surprise, but I suspected that she was really pleased that, for the first time, not only I had asked something about the new servant, but I had even called her by name.
"She's good and works hard." Esma paused. "Every day, I thank the gods that sent such a lovely girl here."
I frowned.
What gods do you thank, Esma? Lucina, who didn't give you other sons, even when you lost your firstborn? Or Orbona, who took your only child? Or are you going to thank the gods that didn't appreciate enough all the offerings you gave them when Caile died and made you a widow?
I didn't speak aloud. I didn't want to hurt Esma.
Other memories came to my mind. When Felix came back for the first time, I had been shocked to note that my father acted and spoke as if he were a god. I had read some myths where gods and goddess had human sons; they were good children's tales, and I had studied them with my preceptors.
Maybe Felix was thinking about Aeneas' story?
After all, I could easily remember all the hours I had to spend studying Virgil's work and reading the Aeneid, and I knew that Aeneas, although he was a human, was supposed to be the son of the goddess Venus.
The comparison could be very proper: Aeneas received immortality, and Felix believed that now he was now immortal and that he had the power to grant immortality also to me, should I deserve, in his opinion, such a great honor.
The first time he had claimed that he was immortal and didn't age anymore, just like the gods, I hadn't understood his words.
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"I suppose you have noticed that I'm different, son," he had told me.
"I have," I admitted. I was in front of my father, the man I had missed for years but, at the same time, I wasn't at ease with him.
"And what have you noticed?" he prodded.
"You look the same age you were when you left, ten years ago." I thought it was better to begin with a single issue.
He nodded."And how do you explain it, son?"
"Did you ask for eternal youth and was your wish granted?" I tried to put it mildly.
He smiled. "You remember the myth of Tithonus, don't you?" he asked.
I frowned. My father had never been one for literary references. Why did he suddenly want to discuss mythology?
"I remember it," I answered. "He was a prince,and his wife was a goddess. She asked Zeus to make him immortal, but she forgot to ask for eternal youth. So he was damned to live forever."
Felix was surprised. "What an interesting choice of words, son! Do you believe that living forever could be a punishment?"
Why was he asking me such philosophical questions?
"It depends," I said.
"Upon what?"
"Upon the price it requires. Who would want to live forever, suffering as Tithonus did?"
"But what if immortality and eternal youth were possible?" he asked.
I snorted. But Felix was serious. "What if there was a price and I could pay it?" he continued.
"Are you telling me that it's possible to become immortal?" I couldn't believe it.
"Don't you know that our emperors are supposed to become immortal?" he tried.
"Yes, after their death. But I had never believed that it was anything more that a myth."
I looked again at Felix. The mention of the word "death" had a strange effect on me. I had seen corpses before and there were odd similarities betweenthem and Felix's body. I had been surprised by the strength of his hand when he had greeted me, but now I recalled also how cold his skin was.
I remained in silence.
"You don't believe in immortality,and you don't believe in eternal youth," he considered. "But I'm in front of you."
I was even more confused.
He stood up. "I know that you have figured out more than you admit," he told me. "And I expect you to be curious about the price of immortality. But we are going to discuss it another time."
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I thought about the months that had passed since this conversation. Now I knew the price.
Was Felix truly a god as he had stated?
At least, since I was held prisoner in my own house, I didn't have to keep up appearances about religion anymore. I couldn't figure out how, especially in the countryside, people could believe that they were helped or thwarted by a bunch of supernatural beings that had more flaws than the humans who revered them.
After witnessing first-hand what Felix was capable of, I was sure that if those were the effects of becoming a god, immortality was the last thing I wanted.
Glimpses of the events of the last months came to my mind again, unwanted. I needed a distraction from my usual obsession, and I needed it as soon as possible.
I paced nervously up and down.
Esma was still busy in the kitchen, and she was alone.
"Where is Bella, now?" I asked her.
"She's working to make a new tunic for you. I have noticed that she even knows how to make some embroidery that I've never seen before."
This girl seems talented in many ways.
"I'll be in the library," I announced. "Send Bella there."
The hours that I spent reading with Bella in the library had become the best moment of my daily life. She was my best distraction, the only way I had to keep my nightmares and fears at bay for a few, precious hours.
I chose some literary works that I could show to her, this time in Latin. It seemed strange that it was taking her so long to arrive; I was used to always having her nearby, thanks to Esma.
"Did you get lost?" I asked, as soon as she entered the library.
She smiled sheepishly and nodded. I had been just joking with my question, and I couldn't understand how was it actually possible that she got lost in the house.
"Don't you know the house yet?"
She shrugged. "Esma showed me around the house, but sometimes I am still confused. I'm sorry."
"Have you seen the gardens?" I asked.
"Only the front garden, when I arrived."
I didn't want to remember that day. And I couldn't imagine how bad that memory might be for her.
It was a sunny day, albeit cool, and it could be a good opportunity to have a walk around the villa. "Go get your cloak; we're going to read outside."
She seemed surprised, but smiled.
I wasn't used to seeing the house's gardens without their summer blossoms. The fall was giving them all the shades of brown and an unusual silence.
Like fallen leaves, so many people had enjoyed this place and then they were gone. I had thought that, pursuing my military career, I wasn't going to see this place for years and, instead, I had been stuck there for months.
I hadn't invited any of my friends to come visit me, fearing that it could have meant damning them to sharing my captivity.
I had always been a man of action, while I now felt like an old philosopher, as if my own life, similar to those autumn leaves, had been blighted just when it was the right moment for its full bloom.
Death was my shadow, my new companion. I was alone, surrounded by the lies that I was telling my servants and by the suspicions of even worse evils that Felix aroused in me every time we met.
I glanced at the silent girl who was following me in my wanderings.
In the closed space of the library, I had already noticed that her hair was pretty; but it looked gorgeous as the sun made it shine with warm golden and reddish reflections.
"Loosen your hair," I told her. I was too used to giving orders, and my words came out more harshly than I wanted.
She was hesitant. For a moment, her eyes widened, but then she bowed her head and untied her braid. Her hair was even longer than I had expected, and when she slightly shook her head, letting the tresses to go loose on her shoulders and back, I was enchanted looking at the copper strands that stood out in the dark brown mass of her hair.
Soft. It must be so soft.
I was tempted to extend a hand to touch her hair, but I restrained myself. Instead, I chose a place where we could sit and led her there.
What is she thinking? Coming here, was it a good idea? Is she anguished recalling the way she arrived here for the first time?
Although I was an adult, I was upset when I was with Felix. Who knew how she felt when she'd been brought to him? How had she felt when she had traveled with him, or when she was left here in the garden of an unfamiliar house?
For her, how could I possibly be any different than the son of a scary monster?
"Bella..." I began.
What can I say to her? And how is it that I suddenly care about what a slave thinks ofme?
Everyone in the house had known me for a long time. Bella was the only one who had seen just this face of me – the angry and tormented one. I felt the strange urge to avoid any possible connection, even in her thoughts, between me and Felix. I couldn't bear that anyone, even a slave, could see me and consider me similar to that monster.
"Yes, Master?" she asked.
Is she afraid that I'm going to ask some other stupid thing, like changing her hairstyle?
"Never mind," I said. Maybe there was another way to reach her.
The literary work I had chosen for our reading could be a good starting point. She was always so shy and demure, but I had noticed more than once that she could become passionate and at ease when we were reading something that she liked. I could use the writers' words to get to know her better and, above all, to show her something more about me, to gain her trust, eventually. It wasn't her fault if, of all the houses where she could have been brought as a slave, she had arrived directly in the den of a beast. The gods who protect the slaves, if they actually exist, must have been very angry at you the day you were sold.
I nodded to a stone bench, watching as she gracefully settled herself.
I had picked a play. The plot was about a father who was punishing himself because he had obstructed his son's happiness and, with his decisions, he had ruined both their lives. The irony was not lost on me, although I still couldn't understand what I – and, more tragically, the people in my home – had done to deserve my father's threats.
"Read it aloud for me," I told her.
As Bella said the lines of the play, I recalled all the times I had joined my friends going to the theatres or to the baths, the feasts and the banquets. Everything was lost, now.
I closed my eyes and soon my memories faded, all my attention focused on the soft voice of the girl beside me.
Damn, I was so tired after my troubled night. But I didn't want to sleep if that meant meeting Alica again in my nightmares.
I let Bella's voice lull me into a sleepy peace. Glancing sidelong at her, I relaxed, basking in the caressing sunlight.
She appeared even smaller, curled up in the oversized and threadbare cloak, with her loose hair like a heavy curtain around her face. Images of a younger dark-haired girl were overlapping with the actual view in front of me.
I miss you, little sister. I can't bring you back, but maybe I can help her. Bella could have been a sister for you, Alica. I'll do my best to protect her; I swear, I'll be good to her.
Bella was still reading, until she arrived to a sentence that I remembered very well.
"Stop," I said. "Read it again. There's something that I want to discuss with you."
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Chapter's Notes
In ancient Roman religion, Lucina was the goddess of childbirth, while Orbona was the one who granted new children to parents who had become childless.
Tithonus was the lover of Eos. She asked Zeus to make Tithonus immortal, but forgot to ask for eternal youth. Tithonus indeed lived forever, but old age pressed full upon him.
Antonius and Bella are reading Terence's The Self-Tormentor.
Author's Notes
Many, many thanks to my friends Camilla10 and LJSummers, who offered me their expertise and support, and to JointGifts and 2Shaes, from Project Team Beta.
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