Chapter 15
Togetherness
I am in love! I didn't know it until I said the words. He's an amazing and frightening man and now that I'm with him I feel like I'm finally where I belong. I don't feel the magnetism any more. I mean it's there, but it's like sitting for days in a rose garden, eventually their scent no longer overpowers you. Nothing changes except your perception. Even knowing that I have this deadly disease, the biggest revelation for me is how I feel for him. I've never been in love before and it amazes me how strong the feeling is. I feel like some giddy teenager, and yet I know this isn't a crush.
I feel almost starved for his company. The sound of his voice sends a thrill through me and I want to learn all I can about him. I'm stunned at his depth, and the layering of everything that makes him who he is. I'm sure if I had time to read his journals, I would find reasons for every behavior. Not that it matters, I love all that he is regardless of why. He hasn't told me how he feels about me. Still I feel affection from him as well as desire. If that's all I ever have I will make it be enough.
Sometimes the way he looks at me makes my pulse race. I can feel the passion within him, as if he is keeping a tight rein on his wilder emotions. It's like stepping into the shallow edge of a wave, knowing there is an undertow a few yards out that would pull you out and drown you. I want to go where it pulls me.
After talking with him into the afternoon, we plan to shop. There are a few thing we will need if we are going to bring him into the twenty-first century, and the first thing on the list is a laptop. He claims that Vladmir has all the electronic toys in his suite, but when he suggests we use them I say it would be better if he had his own. I don't want to admit that being in his house mate's territory is frightening for some reason. Plus it would be a good experience for Stefan to go through the whole process of purchase and set up.
He takes me in his overly luxurious car to a local shopping center. We dart through the shadows to a store that sells computers and electronics. As we prowl through the store, I try to educate him on what he will need and he tries to teach me some of the language. I try to tell him about computers and software, and he tries to teach me about the new monetary system. In the end we come away with a decent laptop and hopefully the right software and cables Letting him play the translator between me and the salesman is so funny. We are laughing so much he could have sold us anything.
I ask Stefan if he likes movies, and he looks at me strangely. "I lost interest in movies shortly after the second World War. There are too many to keep up with, and the actors started to blend together. After a while there seemed to be a lack of originality, and I saw the same plots and themes reoccurring."
"Would you agree to perhaps a TV and a DVD player? I could direct you to some great movies I believe you would enjoy." I smile at him, imagining curling up next to him to watch movies when there is little to do.
He looks skeptical but asks, "just where do we shop for these things?" I know he fears feeling foolish going back into the electronics store.
I smile, "we find those things right here." I indicate the box with the laptop he's carrying. "You are going to love shopping online. Choose your language, choose your store, comparison shop, and everything gets delivered right to your door; or wherever you want it."
"All of that is in here?" He shakes the box gently with his brows pulled together as if he doesn't understand or believe me.
"Not really...it's out there, in the world. This is merely your connection to it. This is your voice box to communicate to the world. What you do with it is entirely up to you. Don't let the terminology scare you, you are going to love this. As much as you like to communicate I can't believe you haven't done this already. Think of the computer as your translator. It will take what you tell it and turn it into something that others will understand. Even better, it will allow you to see what is happening in the world in small bites."
"You expect to teach me about bites?" He jokes. I can't believe he's cracking jokes with me. And that adorable little smile that he gives me is priceless. As we are walking we pass a men's clothing store.
"Stefan, can we go in and look around? Maybe you will see something you like?" He's humoring me as we go inside and I try to imagine what he would look like in the various menswear items. Each display has me shaking my head, from the baggy jeans to the business suits; nothing seems to be right. It doesn't take long for a salesman to come to us. I can't understand his words but his look is clear as he looks down his nose at Stefan's outfit. I have an idea and I smile sweetly at the rude clerk. "Stefan, ask him to take your measurements for a tailored suit." The clerk looks at me with interest and I hold Stefan's hand to show we are a couple. In minutes he is using a tape measure to note all of his measurements while Stefan tries not to allow him to actually touch his skin. With all the numbers written down he hands the paper to Stefan and tries to guide us to a section with high end suits. I smile and shake my head and we go a different direction, leaving the clerk frustrated at losing his potential commission.
"What was that all about?" he asks as we leave the store. "I thought you wanted to... change my look?" I take the slip of paper with the numbers.
"I don't want to change you; I just want to update you. You would look fine in some of those clothes, but they're just not you. Your style is more like Italian designers, hand tailoring, wool, silk blends, and linen – not polyester. I picture you in Armani, and not the low end they sell here. Of course that kind of quality costs, but you don't strike me as the type who cuts corners or pinches pennies." We have arrived back at his car which illustrates my point perfectly. We store the box, and he pulls me into his arms.
His kiss is light and cool, but the look in his eyes is intense. "Thank you Summer. I think you do understand me." I want to just stand there like an idiot with my arms around him, kissing him, but he takes my arm and leads me away again. "While we are out, I would like for you to shop for yourself, at my expense of course."
"I don't... I mean you don't need to do that. I can take care of my own needs Stefan." I protest as he smiles and continues to walk. When he stops to pull me against him it cuts my argument immediately.
"I love this dress. Your beautiful shoulders are exposed, and your legs are amazing. You must buy more like it. When I get you back home I might just destroy this one." He runs his finger carefully under the spaghetti strap, while the ghost of a smile plays on his lips. My knees are so weak I can barely walk and his smile tells me he knows. How does he do that to me? The desire I feel for him doesn't feel normal. It's intense and I feel like my body temperature has gone up several degrees as he takes my hand and we walk together.
True to his plan we shop and he is amazingly generous as we choose dresses, sandals and even lingerie. I've never shopped with a man before and it's much different than with girlfriends. As soon as I ask him to choose which he likes better, he decides on both. He wants to follow me into the changing rooms and he has no concept of what clothes are best for my body type; only choosing the things that show the most skin, or show off my curves. Still it's fun since he has endless energy, never checks price tags, and he has very descriptive terms for what he doesn't like; which makes us both laugh often.
As we are going back to his car, with him laden with bags he refuses to allow me to carry, he sees a jewelry store. He pauses at the window and I try to hurry him past but he smiles and turns in. I follow reluctantly, recognizing his look as the same he used when he bought me shoes I had decided were too expensive. I sigh with relief as he strides past the diamond displays and casually walks past several display cases peering inside. Of course the salesperson is eager to help him, especially seeing all the bags he carries with him. He speaks to the saleswoman, looks over his shoulder at me and smiles. It doesn't seem to take him long to buy what he wants and she tucks a black velvet case into a tiny bag. Less than fifteen minutes later we are on our way and he is smiling.
At the car the trunk is filled with bags and boxes and he again pulls me to him. "Thank you for a lovely day. I will treasure it always." I want to say something smart and appropriately romantic, but my stomach grumbles loudly instead and we both laugh. "Come, I know where I can take you so you can eat. We find ourselves at a small cafe with outdoor seating. He sits in the shadow of the awning and my seat is in the setting sun. We order two small meals and I eat most of both while he seems happy to watch.
As I finish eating he pulls out the black velvet box and slides it across the table to me. "Stefan, I don't need you to buy me jewelry, I already love you." His smile is beautiful. He moves quickly, stepping behind me to take the box and open it for me. The pendant seems huge to me and it catches the light of the sun in a stunning display. It's a simple vivid blue topaz, but the size makes it unusual. it's got to be at least ten carats and it's teardrop shape is suspended from a diamond cut gold chain.
He quickly fastens it around my neck and when he kisses me near the clasp the thrill of the necklace is easily eclipsed. "I thought it would match the color of your eyes, but I can see now it pales in comparison." I can't help admiring it as he takes his seat again. The chain is long and the teardrop rests right at the beginning shadow of my cleavage. I watch his eyes travel there before they meet mine and he smiles in satisfaction. He has so many of the lustful mannerisms of other men I've dated, and yet it doesn't disgust me or make me angry as it had with them.
Walking back to the car his arm is around me possessively and I like it. The sun is all but gone as he opens the car door and helps me in. And they say chivalry is dead. The drive home – how quickly I have come to think of the mansion as home – is quiet and I can't help but wonder what the rest of the evening will bring. I watch him as he effortlessly maneuvers the car through traffic at a speed that would have had me nervous if he were a normal man.
In a short time we are parked in the garage and it's dark. "Summer, now is the time, if you want to leave you must go." I can't see him in the dark except for the slightest of shadows. "I am not going to lie and promise I will behave myself. And I am not going to pretend this is easy for me or that I know what I am doing. If you come into the house with me, you must know there is danger and risk to you. I will let you go now if that is what you wish; I will not make the offer again."
I sit next to him trembling. Not because I'm afraid, but because he has all but confirmed what is going to happen tonight. "Stefan, let's go inside. I'm not leaving." I hear his breath exhale just before the light comes on inside the car as he opens the door. He moves quickly and he's beside me inhumanly fast. All the packages are forgotten as he ushers me into the house. Inside the door it's dark and quiet and I wonder if he can hear my heart beating as loud as it feels to me. When he kisses me I lean into him and put my arms around his neck. In the dark I can't see him, but I feel his presence so strongly I can barely stand.
He lifts me into his arms and cradles me against his chest. I rest my head on his shoulder and whisper "I love you," as he carries me through the dark house and up the staircase to my room. In my room with the light on it becomes clear what is about to happen. He lets me down beside the bed and we gaze at each other.
"I would have liked a better atmosphere for this; perhaps candles and flowers, soft music, and beautiful linens. But if I have to wait one more night for you I will lose all reason. Nothing can compare to your beauty, and the way I am drawn to you. Anything else would only get in the way."
I close the gap between us. "I love you Stefan. You're the only important thing in the room." I reach up to unbutton his shirt and he watches me as I work my way down to the waist of his pants. "I want to make love to you. Do you want me Stefan?" I can't help but look up at him as I ask.
His hands are on my face and he is kissing me with a hunger I feel myself. He stops long enough to finish taking off his shirt and the undershirt beneath. He slides the straps of my dress over my shoulders and pulls gently until it's on the floor. I tremble, not from cold, but from the way his eyes linger on the sight of me.
We undress together and I'm happy to see he looks more human than I expected. A beautiful, perfect human with all the muscle definition of a man who worked hard for a living, looking as if he were carved out of stone. As a nurse, I've seen naked men, and of course I'd taken care of my father's most basic needs.
But Stefan is beautiful, and I'm embarrassed to find myself staring at him. When I can meet his eyes, it's evident he has been staring at me in the same way. We stand still for a long time, just looking, and strangely afraid to touch.
"I love you. I know you won't hurt me, but I'm... I don't know how to do this."
"I think we've found something that puts us on equal footing. This is a divide I have never crossed. " His smile is tentative, and he takes my hand. He leads me to the bed, and climbs across the sheets, pulling me along, until we're lying side by side, and facing each other.
"I want to say that you can back out at any time, but that would be a lie. Summer, I cannot resist you... I am about to try what few of us have the restraint to do." It's too much warning, and too much talk. I know this shouldn't be possible, but I want it – I want him.
I slide closer to him, and touch him. My hand on his chest makes him exhale. I watch, as if my hand has gained a mind of it's own, and it meanders down his body, touching and exploring him. He is aroused, and what my hand touches is not soft and pliant, but hard and unyielding. He groans from somewhere deep inside him, and I am suddenly on my back.
His kiss is passionate, demanding, and hungry, and his hands fondle the parts of my body he's not crushing beneath his own. I feel his hardness pressing against my hip, and wonder if it will leave bruises. I don't care.
I wrap my arms around his neck, petting his hair before my hands begin exploring his naked back. His strong shoulders move beneath my hands, as his own explore my curves. There is too much to learn, too much to feel, and too much to absorb. I'm lost in him, from the taste of his mouth and our tongues moving together, to the feel of the smooth expanse of his back, as my hands glide down below his waist, where I clutch at his muscled behind.
His mouth leaves mine, and his kisses travel downward. He licks along my throat, and moves to capture my breast in his cool mouth. The pleasure is exquisite, and I sigh and hold him against me. I want him! He fondles the other one with his gentle hand. Then he switches, driving me insane with need.
"Stefan, please... " I've never felt this way before. Everything is new, and I feel so naked and vulnerable. Yet I want it – long for it. "I want this... I want you." I feel the heat and wetness growing in the place no man has known. He kisses over my stomach, and when he parts my legs, I tremble and gasp.
My eyes close, and my fingers clutch at his hair. I can't believe he would ever do what he's doing. Ancient and old-fashioned in every attitude but one, it seems. He tastes me, and I cry out. Cool and wet, his mouth is more pleasure than I can stand. My body responds wantonly, flexing against him, and his tongue eagerly plays over sensitive flesh. When he moves away, I am nearly insane with desire.
I smell the latex, and I watch as he sheathes himself three times. He smiles self-consciously. He moves to take his position over me, and between my parted legs. His eyes meet mine and I nod to encourage him. I breathe one word; "Please..."
I feel him glide against me, spreading wetness, and then we both shift, angling our hips for the contact we both need. I expect the pain, but it shocks me how deep, raw, and savage it is. My sharp cry freezes him at the moment when he is deepest within me. I squeeze my eyes closed to keep from crying. I pant, as my body adjusts to him. I open my eyes to see his dark stare.
I reach up to brush the curls from his face, and touch his cheeks. "I love you, Stefan. It's okay... I'm going to be okay.
"My god... your blood is so fragrant. I want to taste it!"
"Please not yet. Make love to me, Stefan. I need this." His hips push against me, and I cry out. "Don't stop!" I want him to stop, but I know to stop him could make him want me in a different way. Push is followed by pull, and I gasp as we move together. I reach up and pull his face to mine, needing to kiss him, no matter the taste still on his lips.
We kiss, and we move together, and the pain is slowly replaced with pleasure. He rests on his elbows, and our bodies are touching and moving together.
It shocks me how good it feels – how right. It's as if history has preserved him for this moment alone. He's my love, and my lover, and I gasp and moan as he teaches my body about joy. Our movements become more intense and demanding, and all I can do is let go and let my body respond to his every demand. I'm swept away in waves of intense pleasure, radiating from where we're joined. I cry out and clutch at him, desperate to hold on to him somehow.
I'm forever changed. I'm forever his. My body moves with his rhythm, his cadence, his driving, pulsing, pushing, pulling, complete possession of me. He is both vampire and man, and I'm completely surrendered to him. I reach my limits, with bliss crashing like waves to swallow me and take me under. I scream at the intensity of ecstasy, and shudder beneath him.
To see him equally undone, as he enjoys an intensely human experience, makes me fall deeper in love with him. I take in his look of wonder and adoration, as his eyes meet mine. Afterward, he settles gently over me, letting his body press against me as I accept his weight. We're still joined, and he kisses me softly, while staring into my eyes.
"It's good to see you're still alive." He smiles, shyly. "I was afraid I really hurt you."
"It was worth it. Next time it shouldn't hurt." I kiss the corner of his mouth.
"Next time? You sound as if you're looking forward to doing this again. Have I not satisfied you?" His eyebrow lifts, and I'm not sure if he's serious or teasing.
"I am very satisfied. And I am looking forward to doing this again." He shifts and slides from within me. He tosses away the used latex as if it offends him.
"Sorry... doctor's orders." He pulls the blankets up over us. It feels strange to be naked as he holds me in his arms. But it also feels natural. We lazily explore one another, until I can no longer keep my eyes open. I close my eyes to sensations of my lover's hands gliding over me.
I wake up to his kisses. The sunrise is a pale promise in the window and the first of the birds is waking. I open my eyes to the searing passion in his, as if it never left. His hands remind me of all we've done the night before and they invite me to an encore. He is breathtaking! His kisses, his touches, his lovely sentiments in a language I can't understand as he explores my body with the lightest of touches. I can't help but go where he leads.
It doesn't surprise me that he wants to make love as soon as I'm awake. What surprises me is that I want it too. He isn't put off by my morning breath, or even my need for a shower. He's quickly learning my body, and in a short time, he has me fully aroused. He again reaches for the condoms, and I help him, shocking him.
He is easily shocked, and my desire to straddle his body leaves him gazing at me in wonder. I guide him into me, and there's no pain, only the joy of completion.
The sun is brighter in the window as I struggle to leave his arms. He seems reluctant to let me go and I have to explain that I need to take care of my human bodily functions. He rises with me and follows me as if to watch, and I hear his laughter as I blush and shut the door between us. When I come out the room is empty. Stefan and all my things are gone, including the clothes that were on the floor. The bed is made and I can't help but feel exposed as well as confused.
He meets me at the doorway of the bedroom and wraps me in his arms. "Sorry to alarm you, I just think a small move is in order now that I know I will not destroy the furnishings." He scoops me up, and carries me a few steps down the hall to his suite, where he's brought all of my things.
"So, do you do this often?" I ask. He looks at me confused and I giggle. 'You know, wander through the house naked." He kisses me with a low growl. He shows no sign of relenting and I have to pull away again. "Stefan, I love you, but I need a shower, or I'm going to start to smell. Not to mention I need a bit more time to recover than you apparently need." He apologizes and reluctantly lets me go.
Inside his, no, our bathroom, I find all the essentials. As the hot water washes away the traces of our lovemaking, I can't help but remember how amazing it was. After listening to Carlisle, I was afraid he would hurt me, maybe even go too far and kill me, but he was so gentle.
I'm deep in thoughts of him when I'm startled by the movement of the curtain. Soundlessly he steps into the shower with me and pulls me against him. With my eyes suddenly open I can see the water pouring down his face and through his hair, before streaming down his hard shoulders and chest. In the dim light of the shower he looks normal and I wonder if he could possibly have been this beautiful before he was changed.
I catch the look on his face and realize I should hurry and finish washing. I also help him do the same. Before the water becomes cold he wraps me in a towel and carries me to his bed. "Stefan, I'm going to need another shower if you don't stop!"
"There is plenty more water," he says with a grin. I'm beginning to understand what a newlywed must feel like. I thought that making love would be the final step with him, but it is only the beginning. He has awakened so much within me, I'm again overwhelmed with a desperate need for him. It takes my breath away that he feels the same for me, and he is still able to restrain himself so he doesn't hurt me. I can't believe I've lived my whole life without this.
After spending more time in his bed and in his arms, I need another shower just as I warned. He laughs when he explains that he doesn't sweat and he's free to get ready for the day, while I need to wash again. He tells me he will bring in the things we bought yesterday while I shower and dress. I rush through so he doesn't catch me off guard again. I've just wiggled into my bra and panties when he returns . The look he gives me has me backing away from him as he drops the bags and stalks me from across the room.
I haven't got a prayer of eluding him, and when he pulls me into his arms I want to surrender to him again. But I'm already feeling my limits. "Stefan, not again. I can't... I need time to recover. I love what you do to me, but I'm already tender, do you want to make me sore?"
He looks absolutely horrified and he releases me so fast I almost fall. "I am so sorry! Please forgive me. I never intended to hurt you." He is across the room and looking like he would flee.
I smile reassuringly. "Stefan, don't worry, it's not that bad, it just means I need to wait a little longer. And it's not your fault; I wanted it too. Please come here, you can still hold me, right?" He comes to me and folds me gently into his arms. "I love you, but I'll still let you know if something's wrong, okay?" I sift my fingers through his hair and he pulls me close.
"My dove, you have come to mean so much to me. I will do all I can to keep you safe, especially from myself. So, before I exceed the boundaries of decency you should put something else on." He smiles down at me and then we go through the bags so he can find what he wants me to wear. It should bother me that I've given him so much control, but it's a very small thing, and I love the way he looks when I put on the pink dress he chose.
As soon as I'm dressed I put away the rest of the clothes and then we begin setting up his new laptop. It takes a little time to explain everything to him as well as a call to a help line to get instructions for the air card. Still he seems amazed when we turn it on and it comes to life as it should. I help him configure it, and do my best explaining what everything does. I have one surprise when I realize that he can't type. I assure him so much is point and click with the mouse, and there are no speed requirements for the user. Still he wants to learn, so I set about teaching him typing 101. Once we're connected to the internet I find several online typing programs that teach him better than I can. The toughest thing is for him to learn to use a light touch.
With the laptop sitting on his little desk he stares at the screen while his fingers learn to tap the keys. It is amazing how fast he learns, and I can see his pure delight as he watches his own words pop up on the screen in front of him. I am already anticipating he will need to learn a word processor program next. The computer comes with a good software package and it doesn't take us long to set it up for his writing. I teach him about saving and backing up what he wants to keep. I demonstrate by shutting everything down then walk him through opening it back up and picking up where he left off. He looks like a little boy who has discovered he can do magic.
While he works with the computer I go downstairs to the kitchen to see what I can find for a late breakfast. All of the food is in the refrigerator whether it needs to be or not. I find that the stove works, though there are dents in it. I make an omelet, then clean up the kitchen. Back upstairs I ask him for the information about the dog so I can call and check on him. The vet tells me that the injuries are serious, but he will likely recover with enough time to heal. I make sure they are okay to keep him for at least a week until he is more stable since we don't feel qualified to nurse him back to health ourselves.
With that taken care of, I pull a chair in beside Stefan and watch what he's doing. I'm stunned as I watch his fingers flying over the keys as he taps out a quickly flowing narrative on the screen. He looks over at me without stopping and smiles. "This is amazing! I had no idea it could be so easy!"
"What are you writing?" I try not to read over his shoulder in case it's personal.
"Today's journal entry. I've got six pages already and I don't have to wait for the ink to dry!" He seems so happy I hate to interrupt him.
"So, is it private or can anyone read it?" I stand up and put my arms around him from behind his chair, then kiss his neck.
I watch him hit save then drop it to the bottom of the screen like I showed him. He stands startlingly fast and pulls me to him. "It's very private." He lowers his lips to mine as his hands cradle my face. I'm overwhelmed with his presence and I feel the pull he has on me. "It's all about this beautiful, captivating woman and all the things I want to do to her. Not to mention all I've already done to her." He picks me up and carries me to his bed where he holds me close and kisses me. "Relax, I'm not trying to make love to you – yet. I just want to be near you. I fear with my new toy I am not being a very good host."
"You've only touched the tip of the ice berg with what it can do. When you're finished writing I'd like to take you and show you some sites on the internet. Anything you can think of can be found out there."
"I disagree." He kisses me and smiles. "You cannot be found out there since you are right here." It's a corny comment but I still laugh.
"I'm glad I'm here Stefan. I didn't think I would ever find love and happiness. Maybe it's a good thing I've got my own special magnetism, so if you get too caught up with your new hobby I can pull you away."
He hovers over me, still lightly touching me while his face looks distant and troubled. "What does happiness feel like Summer? It has been so long since I have felt it I barely remember. I feel peace now, and contentment, and hope. Is that what you feel? I don't know if I would trust happiness if I caught it. I remember happiness can turn on you and bite!"
His words hurt. I wish I could erase the pain from his life, but it's a part of him now. And I truly love him. "I feel those things too; the hope, contentment, and peace. But I feel joy as well. It's a choice to be happy, that way I'm not at the mercy of my circumstances. Even with all the losses in my life, I'm still a happy person. It's always going to be part of my outlook. I guess if I worry about losing something then I can't truly appreciate it while I have it. If I worried about my father dying, I would have missed so much I did have with him. So I guess it's not true that you make me happy, I was happy before you. But now that I've found you, it's like I just can't contain the joy!" I pepper his face with kisses until he sits up laughing and trying to pull away.
"Summer please, you asked me for time, and if you don't stop this I am going to forget and take you here and now." He smiles at me and no matter how much he wants to mistrust it, he looks happy.
"Oh really? Where's that famous control you were bragging about?" I kiss him and smile
"Summer, I'm warning you, I am not the one with whom you can play such games." His arms come around me and his eyes pierce me with their intensity. "Where you are concerned I can control…. nothing!" Our play turns serious as simple as that and I'm not a bit upset. He is everything I've ever wanted, and it is becoming easier to be with him as we learn about one another. Afterward I lie in his arms and he apologizes for losing control.
"Don't apologize, it's what I wanted too. I can't control myself where you're concerned either. Just be glad I don't want to drink your blood." I kiss up his chest to his neck and fasten my mouth onto his invulnerable skin. "I bet you would taste delicious!" I feel the laughter in his chest.
"Little one, you have no idea." He pulls me up against him and holds me. He has a faraway look and I wonder what he's thinking about.
"Does it still hurt as much? I mean Tessa and your old life?" I don' t know why I ask but I wonder if that's what's keeping him from being happy. In a way I think I'm lucky that there's never been anyone but Stefan for me.
"You have helped ease a lot of the pain. It will always hurt, but it does not gnaw at my soul, thanks to you."
"So what is it that keeps you from being happy? I mean there's more to you than Tessa, right? Carlisle told me you and Vladmir had an empire to rival the Volturi, but they fought against you?" It's the wrong thing to say. I feel him tense against me and he climbs out of bed to dress. "Stefan, please don't shut me out. I want to know you."
He looks at me and his eyes soften. "Please get dressed Summer. You have seen me as the victim. Perhaps you need to see me as the monster as well. Come with me, I won't discuss such unpleasant things where I share your joy."