Chapter 18

Love Languages

It seems strange that I have never told anyone that story. Only one could understand it, and that is the one who lived it with me. He may have told Carlisle or one of the others, but I have never shared until now. How do you describe the death of a dream or the murder of your hope? To any who know us we have a long standing hatred of the Volturi. I am sure it must seem petty that after so much time we still harbor such animosity against the 'benefactors' of our kind. It is no secret that we would like to see them brought down and destroyed, but even among our kind the reason is distorted. The victors write the history, and so our story has been twisted and our purposes maligned .

But now she knows the truth. She does not cry as much this time, and yet I can feel that she has shared my burden once again. For the first time I can feel peace as I think about the losses. I sit with her in silence and I have an overwhelming fear of losing her. Not that I feel I will kill her, or worry that something will go wrong.

No, I feel that her life is far too short. She holds centuries of my memories. If not the actual grasp of events, she knows the impact they have had on my existence. I sometimes wonder if even Vladmir understands me the way she seems to. It would be so easy to change her. I think about it and I kiss her cheek, so soft and warm. Her lips, so moist and yielding. I place my mouth onto her throat and follow her pulse with my tongue. She sighs, so trusting. I think about the burning and the agony and terror, but how horrible could it be in comparison to her own future? If I change her I can keep her forever.

But would she stay? I remember Cecilia and the way she kissed me goodbye. My goddess never needed me, and in the end she blamed me, and hated me. I could not take it if Summer hated me. Would she still love me on the other side of the change? Would we still hold the same attraction for one another if we were both the same?

I will wait.

I hold her on my lap knowing that hours have passed as I spoke. I want to make love to her again but I am afraid of hurting her. It astounds me, the desire I have for her frail human body. I had thought that all such connections to my humanity were gone. This morning I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and saw that more of my age has fallen away. My eyes are clear. That one fact startled me as much as the gold of their color. My skin is still hard and pale, but no longer translucent and powdery. I look more alive – more human than I have in centuries. It should not startle me as much as it does, since I have seen Vladmir go through similar changes in the past. I had simply thought it was beyond me.

When she moves off of my lap she kisses me and smiles. "I hate to be the one to put an end to this, but I need to eat again." That she apologizes for her needs makes me feel terrible, and I follow her to the kitchen and watch as she prepares a simple lunch. The rhythm of life. It has been missing from my existence for so long. We all worry about the meeting of basic needs just to survive. But I have only one imperative, and even that I have pushed out for weeks. My time had been spent in solitude with my books and my writings, and occasionally interacting with Vladmir. There was also my haunting of the places where I feed, to get to know the next one who is ready for death.

But with Summer I need to be aware of the time; time to wake and sleep, time to bathe, time to eat, time to use the bathroom... time to make love. Oh and that is the one that twists my thoughts the most. Every other need she has makes me an observer, but our intimacy is amazing because I can share it with her.

But sometimes I feel so conflicted, knowing what I have become. Incubus. The worst fiend of legends. The legends that are so horrific I wonder how they survive. Yet there must be some truth to them because I exist.

She smiles at me as she consumes her meal, which looks more appropriate for a rabbit. I smile back, knowing she cannot fathom the darkness of my thoughts. She has no idea the way my mind takes her down roads she would never travel willingly with me. To change her. To feed on her. To make love until I am fully satiated. To taste just a sampling of her blood, I know I possess the restraint to stop, but that would hurt and terrify her. To impregnate her – oh yes I do still think of it!

But I am perhaps even more concerned with other thoughts. They have been intruding more and more and they frighten me with their appeal. I am used to dark evil thoughts, as they are part of what I am and I have been wrestling with them since the change. But now I am thinking thoughts that make me feel like a dreamer with my head in the clouds.

I imagine a life with Summer. Life. Her pitifully short span of years could hardly be called a life. But like the clock that has suddenly become more important again, I find myself wanting to share those moments with her to the exclusion of all else. Were I human I would want to marry her; lay a permanent claim to her, and keep her with me always. And though I am not human I still want everything I can have with her. To see her blue eyes looking at me every morning when she wakes. To know I can make her smile. To know that I can take her to a state of physical bliss where no other has. Still I fear the word. I will not fall! She is just a human girl!

"You're face looks so serious; I wish I could tell what you're thinking." She presses her body against mine and wraps her arms around me. The smile on her face is light and teasing as she looks up at me.

I kiss her forehead and wrap my arms around her lightly. "Trust me, you would not like to read my thoughts."

"So, what do you do all day? I mean when you're not entertaining unwelcome visitors to your house that is." She grins up at me.

I try to remember what was so interesting before she arrived, and nothing comes to me. "I read a lot. I have subscriptions to several world newspapers and I do a lot of reading. We also watch the stock market trends worldwide; make sure our investments are safe. I do a lot of writing as you know. And I... mostly read. I am not very good company – Vladmir is the more entertaining of the two of us. I also spend time at hospitals and nursing homes; for obvious reasons." She looks away, unwilling to face the way I choose my victims.

"O – kay... well, I hope you don't mind if we do a few new things. Not that reading and writing are a bad thing, but the twenty-first century moves a little bit faster. And next to you I don't have all that much time." She smiles playfully, thinking to make a joke out of her mortality, but little does she know it is becoming a major worry to me.

She takes me by the hand and leads me to my – our – room. She grins mischievously as she walks past the bed to the computer. "How about a little online shopping?" With little more than a credit card number she walks me through the steps of making sure my information is secure and then she encourages me to look at different websites for some of the products she spoke of the day before.

She encourages me to purchase a flat screen TV and a DVD player. Then she guides me to a place that sells DVD movies. She questions me about some of the titles she thinks I might be interested in, and we place an order. She encourages me to purchase movies called: Amadeus, Titanic, The Sound of Music, Saving Private Ryan, The Patriot, Braveheart, the Shawshank Redemption,Wizard of Oz, It's a Wonderful Life, Gandhi, Dead Poet's Society, Ben Hur, Remember the Titans, Star Wars Trilogy, Gladiator, Spartacus, Dances With Wolves, and Enter the Dragon. She assures me the TV should arrive in a day or two and she shows me how I can track it's location with a number.

She also finds a website and she encourages me to order several designer suits using my measurements. When I total my purchases I smile. I now know how Vladmir keeps track of the accounts online, and I imagine he will be frantic with worry when he sees so many expenditures while he is gone. She shows me how to use Google to search for Vladmir and find his email address. I laugh as I send him a message, reassuring him that all is well and letting him know that I've taken my first step into the twenty-first century. She even uses the video camera to capture my image to send along to reassure him that it is indeed me. In no time at all it seems the afternoon has passed.

As I look out the window at the setting sun, I pull her onto my lap. "How did you learn so much about all of this stuff?" I ask, indicating the computer and all it seems capable of doing.

She only laughs as she wraps her arms around me. "It's easy for my generation, since we grew up with it. No different than you knowing how to fight with a sword, or tan leather, or... whatever it is you do." She shrugs her shoulders and giggles. "My dad couldn't do it either. He had to call me every time something broke down or messed up. It's not difficult once you understand the limitations and stop being afraid you're going to break it."

"Now that I understand!" I pull her snugly against me and smile suggestively. I hear her indrawn breath and her heart beats a bit faster. I kiss her soft and light, and it amazes me how easily she still draws me to her. My thoughts have already carried her to the canopy bed behind us when I hear her stomach growl. I want to pretend I don't hear it since normal human hearing would have missed it. But I am once again reminded of the clock. "Isn't it dinner time for you? I encourage her to get up and we leave the room.

There are still plenty of things to eat, but instead I offer to take her out. She catches me off guard when she tucks her hands into my jacket and starts to remove it. I immediately think that she is making a different kind of plan but she smiles at my confusion. "Let's leave the jacket behind tonight, and how about opening that top button or two?" She helps me with the buttons and places a kiss right at the opening. She has no idea how her little flirtations affect me. I feel like I have to be on guard every second with her or I could easily misstep and she would be gone. By the same token, she does not have to show any such restraint to me. Her declarations of love as well as the intimacy we share has removed all of her boundaries. She has given me the kind of trust usually seen only in young children.

I plan to take her to town, without really knowing where to take her. I ask her what she wants and she instead asks me to stop even before we've left the driveway. She leans over and is delighted that the touch of a button brings up the GPS feature. She changes the language to English and in minutes she walks me through the features I never use. It doesn't take us long to find several restaurants that sound promising. The thing even gives us directions. She finds descriptions and even reviews of the different places and chooses one that cooks regional dishes with locally grown produce.

Sitting in the restaurant with her, it feels as if everyone is watching us. I am not sure if it is that they recognize the recluse of the manor or if it is her beauty that catches their eye. When our waiter seems reluctant to leave us, and continues to gaze at her I have my answer. As before she has her choice from both meals and we pass a pleasant evening chatting about many of the things she is trying to teach me. I also begin to teach her Romanian.

I walk her through a phrase to say to the waiter. "It means, 'thank you for your service, everything is wonderful.'" It takes her a bit of time to learn the words I coach from her, but when she gets it right she smiles sweetly at him and says the words as he brings the check. I narrow my eyes at him as we both watch his color pale and he seems suddenly nervous. He races from the table before collecting my payment. She looks at me confused and asks if she made a mistake.

I smile at her. "No il mio compagno bello, you said it perfectly. However I confess I mislead you. What you really told him is that if he did not stop leering at you, your lover was going to kill him." She is so beautiful; her eyes widen in shock and her mouth makes a surprised O.

"Stefan! Why would you make me say that?" She looks a little upset and a little bit amused as she playfully slaps at me before realizing she cannot hurt me. "That wasn't very nice – I trusted you!"

"I've told you to never trust me." I grin at her. "Besides, he was looking at you like he wanted to eat you up. It was inappropriate."

"Oh now that's funny Stefan. You're getting upset with how someone looks at me when you are the one I need to worry about 'eating me up.' So, am I your own exclusive buffet?" She asks as she looks at me with her wide innocent eyes, only partially jesting.

"Absolutely mon morceau délicieux!" I no longer feel in the mood to tease her. I gaze at her across the tiny table and I want her. I stand and help her up, pulling her tantalizingly close. I trace my fingers down her arms whisper soft and murmur into her ear. "I want to take you home meu querido , and feast on you." She does not need to answer. I can hear her little gasp and the way her heart races as I brush my lips along her cheek and down her neck. I guide her from the restaurant and to the car, but she is the one who attacks me.

In my arms, she is kissing me, and pressing her softness to me, with her sweet declarations of love. "Stefan, I love when you talk to me like that." She breathes against my ear. "That's just so sexy. It makes me want to do sinful things with you." She nips along my jaw and down my throat. We are in a public parking place and can be easily observed. I do not want to share even the smallest sight of her with anyone else. I pull away from her and help her into the car. The GPS navigator is unused to the speed I take on the drive home. I'm painfully aware of the way she touches and looks at me on the drive.

I carry her into the house and in seconds we are alone in our room. The sense of urgency is still with me, but I am afraid I will hurt her if I follow my desires and ravish her. Instead I stand still and allow her to work the buttons on my shirt. I fight to calm myself as she kisses me and removes the barriers to out intimacy. Her adoring words of love have brought an idea to me that makes me smile as it grows within me. It calms me enough that I am able to restrain myself as we make love. I am still awed how something that requires such restraint can be so amazing. She seems to grow more beautiful by the day, and it astounds me that I have somehow made her happy.

Later, I hold her as she snuggles against me and falls asleep. Her warmth and her heartbeat alone keep me mesmerized for hours. Each time she turns in her sleep there is something new to observe in the dim light filtering into the room from the bathroom. I memorize the way her hair fans out over the pillow and the way the diffuse light plays over the curves of her body. I realize that I have not fallen into the trance state since she arrived, and I am also aware that I will need to feed again soon – much sooner than what is normal for me.

I think about the need to hunt and in the small hours of the morning I slip from the bed. I tap out a message on the computer to let her know, in case she wakes up. I leave the house and drive away from the inhabited area and my usual hunting spots. I am not so thirsty as to be desperate, but after the last time, I want to make sure there is less risk to her.

I drive into the wooded area and hide my car in a stand of trees. Once again I hunt like Carlisle, this time feeding on the wild animals that are no more a match for me than the horse two days prior. I am already feeling unfulfilled with the dietary change, but I know how my red eyes keep her constantly aware that I am a killer. For my idea to work, I need for her to forget. Perhaps I too need to forget.

I park the car in the garage before the first light of dawn and wander through my own gardens. I pick several dozen summer blooms and carry them inside. I move silently around the house, finding antique vases to hold the flowers and several other things I need for what has now moved beyond an idea to a plan. I can still hear her sleeping as I place my finds where they will have the best impact.

I creep back into the room with her and watch her. I have dressed in a way she appreciates, with my shirt partially unbuttoned. I even roll the sleeves a bit as I have seen Carlisle do. As the sun rises, I see her become restless and she reaches to where I would be lying if I hadn't left. That she desires me even in her sleep gives me hope that my plan will work.

I hear her wake before she stirs. It is in the rhythm of her heart and breathing, then her eyes open to see me sitting on the edge of the bed. "Good morning alla persona che tiene il mio cuore. I have brought you breakfast."

She sits up and smiles at me. "I wish I could know what all those words mean. But then again maybe I don't want to know. You're probably telling me that my breath stinks and I snore."

I have to laugh at her. I lean over the tray and kiss her, thus proving I do not find her morning breath repulsive. "Do not worry, my words are just trifles. Some day I will be happy to teach you the different languages. It has been a hobby of mine."

"I've already seen how your teaching methods work. Maybe I'll use an online program just to be sure you're telling me the truth." She is smiling playfully and I can tell she has forgiven me for the past evenings prank. She sits up straighter in the bed and begins to eat the fruits I've provided for her breakfast. There are soft rolls she covers in honey and I hear her delicate moan as she closes her eyes to show how much she enjoys them.

As soon a I stand, she sees the vase of flowers on the table beside the bed. "Stefan! They're beautiful." She sets the tray aside to move over and smell the delicate blossoms. "Breakfast in bed... fresh flowers... you better be careful or you're going to spoil me."

I wrap her in my arms and kiss her honeyed lips. "You deserve to be 'spoiled.'" I nuzzle her neck and she smells more fragrant than the flowers. "Perhaps if you are spoiled I will not want to taste you so badly." I lock my eyes onto hers and she laughs as she gets the joke.

"I have some things I need to do this morning. I will be finished by the time you have taken your shower and dressed. Perhaps you can meet me in the library?" I kiss her again and leave her to finish eating and get ready for the day. I make some last minute preparations and pace the hallway waiting for her. I hear her shower and dress, then I race down the stairs to turn on the music. I can hear it echoing up the staircase and it's hauntingly beautiful. It feels like I have waited hours to see her and yet I am startled when she steps from our room. She wears a simple dress in a light violet blue and sandals. She is lovely and I watch her come down the hall toward me before she realizes I am waiting for her.

I step out of the alcove by the window that held her fascination just days ago. I pull her to me and she is startled that I am waiting, and she sees there are several vases of flowers arranged around the window seat. When I kiss her, I can feel her accelerated heartbeat.

"Please sit down Summer." I guide her to the window seat and she looks up at me with her wide blue eyes. "I have been trying to decide what to do with you." Wrong! How is it that I can choose just the right words to sway a crowd to follow me and yet I cannot find the words to tell her what I want to say? "What I mean to say is, this situation we have found ourselves in is unusual to say the least. I have crossed so many lines with you; broken so many rules..." She looks nervous and she licks her lips and folds her hands together tightly in her lap. I can see I'm scaring her and fight not to pace as I run my hands through my hair in exasperation.

"Summer, I want you to be mine... I mean more than just physically. I mean I love that... but that's not the point... I want something more!" I follow the script that was written in the time of chivalry. I drop to one knee before her and take her hand in mine. "Summer, I want you to be my wife! Would you do me the honor of pledging your troth to me?" I cannot help but look up into her startled eyes. I bring her fingers to my lips and she gasps.

"Did I hear you right? You want to marry me?" I cannot read her face, but her heart is racing. "You know I love you Stefan. But why do you want to marry me?"

I feel frozen where I kneel. She is not following the rules! It is a simple question and she should give me a simple answer, not a complicated question! "That is how it is done. I want to make you respectable, to give you my name and make you my wife. I have no intention of letting you go. It is only what is proper. I cannot ask you to continue to offer up your body like some kind of... harlot; you deserve better than that."

Her face is confused and her eyes are sad. She withdraws her hand from mine and bows her head. "Stefan, I would love to say yes. But this isn't right; you've missed something very important." I see the tears drip into her lap and I have no idea what I have done wrong. The ring! Of course, women these days place a great deal of importance on the ring; even more than when it became common practice.

"But I have rings for you to choose from – you can have whichever one you want!" I pull out the box and open it for her to see. Inside there are six rings, and all are antique and beautiful but with different stones set into them. She barely glances at them. Instead she looks at me and wipes her tears.

"Stefan, it's not about the ring. And I don't care about what's right or proper either." She lays her palm on my face as her sad eyes meet mine. "I love you. I would gladly marry you for the right reasons." She wipes away more tears that have escaped her eyes. "You've told me of your desire to possess me, and you've told me of decency and propriety. But what about love Stefan? How could you ask me to marry you if you don't love me?"

I have no comprehension of this woman! I offer her my name. My wealth and a place in my home, and she asks for the impossible! I am finally motivated to rise. I pace before her and restrain myself from pulling my hair out by handfuls.

"Love!" I snarl, startling her. "What good is love? Love is a fiction! Love is a trap for the weak! Love is a Trojan horse that brings the enemy to attack you from within! I want to marry you. Love...? It does not matter!"

She leaps to her feet stopping my pacing. "It matters to me! I don't care about the trappings; the house, the money, the jewelry... even the respectability you want to offer. I care about you Stefan. I love you! Without it none of this makes any sense! If I didn't love you I would have gotten on a plane and left forever! I stay because I love you. I put my life at risk because I love you. I sleep with you because I love you. And there will never be another man for me, or another chance for me to be happy, because I love you!"

She is stunning. Her eyes sparkle, her cheeks are flushed, she waves her arms to emphasize her points, and her hair fans around her as she turns during her tirade. She is passion! I want her with every fiber of my being, and yet she has named a price that staggers me. Love. I go to her, pull her to me and kiss her with as much force as I dare. I do not relent and in seconds she is yielding in my arms. I want to take her and prove to her she is mine. I consider commanding her to obey me and marry me. And still there is the temptation to turn her; to show her that love is nothing but a lure for heartbreak.

"Marry me Summer. Be mine. I will give you everything. I will find a way to make you happy." I whisper my invitation to her as I hold her close.

She struggles out of my arms. "Stefan, you already have me. I don't plan on leaving you. I'm not holding my love hostage until you proclaim that you feel the same for me. I did hope that someday you would feel that way about me too, but nothing has changed. There is no reason for us to get married if you don't love me." She is sad again and I cannot help but feel it is my fault.

"Why can you not understand Summer? It is dangerous for me to love you. I have given in to such foolish temptations in the past, and they have all ended badly. Everyone I ever loved is dead! And I don't mean of old age; they all died before they should have, because I loved them. They are all gone!"

Her laughter is bitter. "Oh get over yourself! I've listened to the sad stories you told me, and I get it Stefan. You're afraid. You have had to say goodbye to people you love. Well guess what? You don't hold a monopoly on loss and heartbreak. You want to compare numbers? Yes I'm sure you have lost more, but you've lived a hell of a lot longer than I have! In my 23 years I've lost everyone. I have no one Stefan – no one but you.

"But if you want to be afraid and refuse to let down your defenses because you fear you will lose me, then you're right. I'm going to die. And if I'm lucky I'll die young. I want you to ask yourself one question." She advances on me until we are nose to nose. "You have been around for hundreds of years. You have taken thousands of lives to sustain your own. Ask yourself this my love: Is life worth living without the courage to love? Tell me what else makes existence worth while?"

Her eyes challenge me, then she turns to walk away and I catch her hand. "Summer please." I pull her back to me. "You are right. I am afraid. But it is more than fear. You have lost everyone, and you're alone. I think we both understand how that feels. But you are blameless. My family died because of me. And those I dared to love... I murdered! Tessa, Cecilia, and Danial... I loved them and I killed them. I wanted forever and I had little more than a year with each of them. The guilt is sometimes more than I can stand. I do not know if I will ever be able to love you like you deserve. You are determined to remain human until you grow weak, but how can I watch you die if I love you? Why would you ask me to do that?"

There are tears again and this time I have to wonder if they are hers or a reflection of my sadness. She moves into my arms and we stand embracing each other and I feel her sobbing against my chest. "Just hold me." She whispers as she clings to me. We stand in the hallway with the flowers and rings forgotten. When she finally stops crying she kisses me. I feel her draw in a deep breath and exhale. "Yes." She smiles at me, and wraps her arms around my neck to pull me close. "Yes, I'll marry you Stefan."

As soon as I realize what she has said, I smile and hold her tight. I want to twirl her around but I know I would hurt her. "Do you mean it Summer? You'll marry me and be my wife? I don't know why you changed your mind and I don't care! When? I mean how soon?" I feel suddenly overwhelmed. I feel... joy! I eagerly sit on the window seat and pull her onto my lap. I anxiously show her the rings again. "I can tell you the story behind each of these. They are highly valuable, or if you prefer I will gladly buy you something new... whatever you want il mio fidanzato!" I tell her the story behind each ring and she seems impressed. I am surprised by the one she chooses. It is the smallest, and the stone is a one carat pale blue oval diamond. The setting is ornate filigree and when I slip it onto her finger it fits perfectly. The ring looks made for her and she seems pleased. I want to carry her back to the bedroom and make love to her except there is a sound intruding.

I set her down and hurry to answer the delivery at the gate. I carry the packages up the stairs and find her in our room waiting for me. I set the boxes on the floor and go to her. Summer is now my beautiful fiance, and the boxes go unopened and unnoticed while we make love.