"De Immortalitate" - Immortality

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Many readers asked about Alica. Every plot question I've gotten through your reviews so far will be answered by the following chapters. Today we get our answer about Alica's story. By the way, if your PM are disabled, I can't reply to your review! In particular, I couldn't reply to Genevieveforfun's ones this week.

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Chapter 9 – Stars

"Omnia qui magni dispexit lumina mundi,

qui stellarum ortus comperit atque obitus,

flammeus ut rapidi solis nitor obscuretur,

ut cedant certis sidera temporibus..."

"He who gazed at all the lights in the vast heavens, who learned the rise and setting of the stars, how the fiery beauty of the swift sun's darkened, how constellations vanish at fixed times..."

(Catullus, poem 66)

Antonius' POV

The spring was coming, but the morning sky was still cloudy and rainy. Three moons had passed since his last visit; when I saw that some raindrops were falling, I guessed that Felix would choose that day to come. I was right. In the late morning his heavy footsteps resonated on the atrium marble floor. His huge, tall frame, thick through the shoulders, seemed to fill the room, as if he were a giant statue. Even the olive complexion I recalled he had before his change had been veiled by a chalky pallor.

"Are you nervous, son?" he asked me as we sat in my office. A smile passed over his lips but didn't reach his eyes. I felt unsettled, looking at the red flames that his dark eyes had become. I remembered his gaze used to soften when I was a child and he played with me. After spending a day with other politicians, always keeping up a façade, the time he could spend with his son had been Felix's favorite relief. Those days were gone.

"No, father," I lied. I cringed at the memory of the time when, as a boy, I used to look at him in awe. When we ran or practiced wrestling together, his laugh used to give me joy and his face lit up with pride when I showed him how fast or strong I was becoming. Gone was my father, replaced by the creature in front of me. The thought that I had to ask him a favor made me upset indeed. Regardless, I tried to calm down: I wouldn't ask anything for myself, but I would give a gift to a beloved person.

Alica hadn't needed to explain anything to me about her feelings toward Jaspis. It was as if I had read her mind.

Duringthe previous summer, Jaspis had spent some weeks at the villa before leaving for Greece. He would manage the commerce my family had there and I had given him my instructions. Since Alica and Jaspis had met, they hadn't been just in love. It seemed that all her energy, enthusiasm, and bright attitude had finally found their focus. She had discovered her Polaris star: everything in her became oriented toward him. The beaming smiles she used to give me became reserved for him. When she picked a dress or combed her hair according to the most original trends, she was doing it only for his eyes. I had seen her becoming bashful around him: she even blushed when he smiled at her. Who could have imagined that Alica, the little girl whom not even her masters could intimidate, would become shy in front of Jaspis?

"Have you had any news from Athens?" Felix inquired.

"Jaspis is doing very well over there. He's going to come back this summer with the money." I couldn't believe that less than a year had passed. Jaspis' departure, Felix's return, my captivity. How fast could a life change?

"How much?"

"So far, he's earned over one thousand denarii in a few months."

Felix gave me a pleased grin. "How much were you offered to sell him?"

"Scipio offered nine-hundred denarii. It was the highest offer I got."

He raised his eyebrows. "It's a lot of money," he pondered. "Regardless, you chose to free him. You took a risk, but so far it has proven to be a good choice." His smile grew wider.

It was the right moment to make my request. "There's something I'd like to ask you."

"How so? You never ask for anything." He chuckled. "Go on, I'm curious."

"It's about Alica. She's accompanied Mother in to Rome and been here during the last years and she's given Mother joy," I began. Felix's smile faded as I mentioned my mother.

"She's turned eighteen and..."

"You want to free her, don't you?" He immediately understood my intentions. Alica had finally reached the legal age to be freed. With a single word, Felix could offer her not only her freedom, but also her happiness.

I nodded. "She would remain close to our family. Jaspis would marry her."

Felix narrowed his eyes, pondering my words.

Unnerved by the waiting, I was going to remind him that Alica's parents had been very good servants, and she was like a sister to me and a daughter to my mother. Felix had also known Alica since she was a little child–would it count for something? But I didn't need to insist, in the end.

He smiled again. I considered it a good sign. "Ships sail from Ostia's harbor to Athens very often. She'll come away with me," he announced. "I understand what you are asking and why. I'll make the best decision for all our sakes."

Was he going to free Alica and send her to Jaspis immediately? It was even more than what I had hoped. I looked at the intimidating creature in front of me. Was my father actually hidden somewhere behind Felix's stony and pale armor? Was he still capable of a gesture of affection and generosity? So I believed.

That same day Alica left us, the only family she still had after her parents' death. It was her first step toward her new life as a free woman, but more than this, she was beaming because it was the beginning of her life as Jaspis' wife.

I had never cried in my adulthood, but I was shaken by sobs. I had trusted my father–believed in him and hoped for the best–and I had been betrayed. I took the letter I had gotten from Felix only a few days after Alica's departure. I knew it by heart, but having it in my hands reminded me that it wasn't a bad dream. It was without any signature; Felix knew that it wasn't necessary.

"My dearest son,

Thank you for the small amphora you gave me on my last visit. I know that it had been in our house for many years and was precious to you. Your gift pleased me greatly.

I'm sorry to tell you that, unfortunately, it was a little too breakable for my liking. I disposed of the pieces as well as possible. Rest assured that not even a drop of the delicious red wine it contained has been wasted.

I enjoyed it greatly and couldn't imagine a better use for your little treasure.

Thank you once again for your kind gift,

Your loving father."

A part of me had never recovered from that day. I hadn't given any gift to Felix on his last visit–let alone a small amphora–but I had put in his care a slim young woman: Alica, the girl I considered my sister. How could he speak about her as if she was an object? But if Alica was an amphora, the red wine it contained was...I had thrown up when I had understood the meaning of Felix's letter. My father had become a monster who slaughtered people and took their blood. I shuddered to think of the ceremonies I had seen in Rome, the animals dressed up with a frilly collar and a crown of leaves when they were taken to the altar, the blood spilling under the priest's dagger. Had Alica been offered to a god? No, it couldn't be possible. Our laws didn't allow human sacrifices. But what if a god had chosen to take a human life? Which law could have stopped him?

What had Felix become? I wasn't the son of a human being anymore. I would have happily given my life to spare Alica even a single moment of sorrow. But I felt as I didn't have a life to give anymore.

I had become a liar. I cringed, remembering fragments of the letter I had written to Jaspis. A terrible disease... We couldn't do anything... Alica died. Somewhere, in a foreign army, Jaspis had become a mercenary. I wished that I could still be a soldier and meet him on the battlefield. I would have begged him to take my life.

"Master, may I come in?" Bella's voice snapped me out of my memories. "I've brought back the Greek letters you requested I translate." She averted her eyes when I looked at her. As soon as I took the letters from her hands, she almost ran away.

"Wait, Bella." My voice was hoarse. Damn it. What did she think of me, seeing that I had been crying? I noticed the concern on her face. "Is there anything you want to tell me?" I asked. She shook her head. Hercle. I didn't want her to go. Maybe she was even going to tell Esma that she had seen me so upset. Could I make her stay? She glanced at the door, indicating that she wanted to leave. "What are you thinking?" The words left my mouth before I could stop myself.

She hesitated.

"Tell me," I ordered.

She sighed. "Master, you seem worried."

"Can you read my mind?" I tried to joke. It came out bitterly. "It's nothing," I lied. Nothing but the anger that plagues me, knowing that the monster who already hurt you and me could do something worse. There were none with whom I could share my burden. Even the relief of confiding in a friend was a luxury denied to me.

I let out an exhausted breath. The comfort I most craved was in front of me. Why am I resisting you?

"You may go," I told her, before sending her away became impossible. I wanted to drown in her arms. I was longing for the feeling of her cheek against my chest, close to my heart. But I didn't deserve any of it. She wasn't supposed to trust me or care for someone who wasn't even able to keep her safe. If you could be mine, and only mine, forever. If you could feel how much I'm burning for you.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Bella's POV

I didn't spend a single hour in the library during the days after I saw the master almost crying there. I didn't talk about what I had seen with Esma nor with any other servant, but every night I prayed more for Antonius. Day after day, in the rare moments when I met him, it seemed that he wasn't even aware of my presence. That was, until the previous evening.

At dinner, I had dropped an apple while I was bringing to Antonius his dinner and he had seized it before it could hit the floor. Not only hadn't he chastised my awkwardness, but he had smiled at me. The memory of his smile had kept me company all night long.

The following morning, when Sextius announced that the master had requested my presence in the library, I rushed over. I took a stool and went to sit beside Antonius, looking at the shelves full of manuscripts as if they were the flowers of a marvelous garden.

"Do you want to choose a poem?" he asked, giving me a small book.

I looked at him, confused. He was always the one who chose the literary works we were going to read together.

"These poems have been written by a man who died very young," he explained. "He wrote them for a woman."

"He loved her?" I wondered. I wasn't at ease. My parents had educated me, but my preceptor had never showed me any love poem.

Antonius nodded. "He loved her more than anyone else. But it was a desperate passion. He was never going to be allowed to have her, and she broke his heart," he continued darkly.

I pushed the book away with the tips of my fingers. Why did he want me to choose a poem from it, if they were so sad? Why did he want to read with me about a passion that could break a heart? I begged him with my eyes to change the subject.

As if he had sensed my embarrassment, he waved a hand. "It doesn't matter. Let's see what a Latin author did with a poem by one of your beloved Greek authors, shall we?" He gave me a half smile and opened the same book. "Here. Read aloud," he instructed. I had hoped that he was going to choose another writer, but it wasn't the case. "Don't be worried–it won't bite you," he teased.

So I began to read:

"He who gazed at all the lights in the vast heavens,

who learned the rise and setting of the stars,

how the fiery beauty of the swift sun's darkened,

how constellations vanish at fixed times..."

"See?" Antonius interrupted me. "The poet is talking about the stars. It was a Greek poem, but Catullus translated it into Latin. Just as you do for me."

I smiled at the comparison. The master made me translate business letters, not poems about the stars – those stars that I hadn't seen since he had ordered me to not go outside at night. I went on reading.

"That same Conon, the astronomer, saw me shining brightly

at heaven's threshold, a lock of hair from Berenice's head."

I gaped. Berenice? I knew that myth! Antonius noticed my surprise. "What is it?" he asked.

"I know a story about Berenice."

"And?" He motioned me to continue.

"I was just wondering if it is the same myth. Berenice was a queen who offered the gods a lock of her hair as a sacrifice, asking them to protect her husband."

Antonius beamed. "My Bella knows many Greek myths, doesn't she?"

My Bella. Indeed I was his, but as a slave. I had to keep that in mind, more than his soft gaze or the affection with which he had just spoken.

He took the book from my hands. "She who stretching out her delicate arms/ made promises to a multitude of gods,/ at that time when the great king newly married/ was gone to lay waste the borders of Assyria," he continued to read. Pausing, he looked at me. "I am...was a soldier, you know? But no one ever cut a lock of hair to protect me."

Not even Alica? I couldn't help but wonder.

"Do you remember how Berenice's story ends?" he asked.

I nodded. "The gods made her husband come back from the war. They kept him safe, just as she had prayed."

A bitter expression appeared on Antonius' face. "When I was in the war, every night I knew that some of us weren't going to see the stars again. Felix had been a soldier, too. I listened to my mother's cries when her husband went off to battle. I saw her mourning the separation from her spouse and knew that anguish was eating her heart. I hoped that the gods were going to listen to our prayers and give her back her husband. But now I wish they hadn't."

I bowed my head, pondering his words for a while. Our breathing was the only sound in the room. "Bella." Antonius' voice made me look at him. His eyes weren't sad anymore, and he gave me a half smile. "What does the poet say about Berenice's lock of hair?"

"The gods appreciated her offer so much that they made a constellation out of her hair."

His smile faded. "I have seen so many soldiers, even friends, die in front of my eyes on the battlefield," he recalled. He averted his eyes, as if he was looking at the battlefield of his memories. "Their wives would have offered much more than a lock of their hair to save them. I, who always returned from battle, had no Berenice to wait for me."

Has he always been alone?

"Have you ever thought that death could be the only way to escape from all this, Bella?" he blurted, gesturing to the room around us. "When will it be the last day you or I have on this Earth? Who will decide it?"

I was unsure whether I should say something. Only God could decide about life and death; that was what I had been told. Once again, I prayed to God to help Antonius, to give him peace. "Isn't it the way every human life on this Earth is meant to be?" I spoke as softly as I could. "We have this moment, and it will pass; but I believe that nothing–not even the things that make us suffer–is without any purpose."

"I wish I could have your faith," he sighed.

I ducked my head, saddened by his own sadness.

Seemingly as an afterthought, he took my braid in his hand. I stiffened as he caressed it. "What about you, Bella?" he whispered, so low that I almost didn't hear him. "Would you have cut a lock of your hair for me?"

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Chapter's Notes

Denarius (pl. denarii) was a Roman coin.

Ostia was the harbor city of Ancient Rome.

Berenice married Ptolemy III of Egypt. When he left for war, she placed a lock of her hair in a shrine, against his safe return. The lock vanished and Conon, the Royal Astronomer, claimed to have discovered it as the new constellation Coma Berenices (Berenice's Hair). The Greek poet Callimachus wrote a poem to celebrate the event, which the Latin author Catullus translated in his poem 66.

Author's Notes

Romanward gratias agit to Camilla10, LJSummers, Duskwatcher2153, Marlena516, and Jmolly. Thanks to Project Team Beta.

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