De Immortalitate – Immortality

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Disclaimer: the characters of Twilight are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

Chapter 15 – Lovers

"Ni te perdite amo atque amare porro

omnes sum assidue paratus annos,

quantum qui pote plurimum perire,

solus in Libya Indiaque tosta

caesio veniam obvius leoni."

"If I do not love you desperately and I am not further/ prepared to love you/ continually through all years,/ as much as he who is able to die the most,/ alone in Libya and scorched in India/ may I come to meet the blue eyed lion."

(Catullus, Poem 45, 3-7)

Bella's POV

The demons that tormented Antonius became my demons, too. The sweet fire of his kisses was still on my lips, but the truth about Felix made me shiver.

I believed that love could make people stronger. It had been so when I had felt that someone cared for me. Antonius made me feel that I wasn't alone anymore. The warmth of his embraces and his words gave me peace. But love also had the power to make us more vulnerable. The thought that Felix could hurt Antonius was more frightening than knowing that I could be hurt, too. I was sure that it was the same for Antonius. Whatever was going to happen to one of us, it was going to save or destroy the other as well.

Of one thing I was sure: I wanted to be his in every way. It could be for a single day or forever–it didn't matter. I had made up my mind. Was it a sin? Would have God have pity on me, pity on us?

What would have happened if I had met Antonius in different circumstances? I wondered about the strength of his love. I would love him forever, but could it be the same for an unbeliever? Could it be possible that he would have wanted me for his wife? Did marriage have the same significance for him as it had for me? The only thing I knew was that my commitment to him felt so right, there was no way to doubt it.

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Antonius' POV

I didn't dare hold Bella's eyes. Rejection was my worst fear. I was afraid to meet her gaze and see that she couldn't accept me anymore. She had already inferred that Felix was an abnormal being, but I had confirmed her suspicions. How could she accept, let alone love, the son of a monster? I couldn't give her any promise that she wouldn't be hurt. What if Felix was going to make me similar to him? What if he succeeded in his horrible project?

Maybe Bella's rejection would be best for me and for her. It could encourage her to run away and to be safe. If she was going to turn me down, I would have the meager consolation that I would be the only one suffering because of our separation.

Bella's caress on my cheek interrupted my thoughts. She stroked my jaw and set her fingers under my chin, waiting for me to look at her. She had always been strong and brave, but I couldn't ask her to face an inhuman world that frightened even me.

"I need to find a solution," I muttered, more to myself than to her. "There are only a few days left, but there should be a way. I'll try to find a safe place and I'll send you there."

"Antonius!" Bella gasped. She looked horrified. How could I blame her? The last time I had tried to keep her safe by sending her away, she had nearly suffered…I didn't even finish my thought.

"What about you?" she cried.

"What about me! I'll stay here and...and I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't even think straight! Hercle, I can't let Felix so much as put a finger on you!" I hadn't realized that I was almost yelling.

Bella stiffened. What was I doing? She didn't need to become even more upset by my worries.

"I'm afraid," she admitted.

I winced. "As you should be! I must find someone who will protect you. I'd give anything to keep you safe–I swear."

She rushed to object. "That's not what I'm afraid of!"

"What do you mean?" I looked at her in confusion, wishing that I could read the answer in her eyes. They were brimming over with tears. "What do you fear, then?"

"I'm afraid that you are going to be hurt and I'll lose you," she said quietly.

I couldn't believe her. I searched her face for clues. How could she be worried about me when her own life was at stake? I had expected that she was going to reject me. But was I selfish accepting her care, letting her be so close to me?

"Antonius." Her voice was no more than a whisper. "Do we really have only a few days left?" she asked.

I nodded. It seemed that she wished to say something, but was hesitating. Her cheeks became crimson. I thought about the words I had said while she was still sleeping. Maybe, after leaving with Felix, I wouldn't come back home anymore; maybe I wasn't going to see Bella again. Which was the best decision? Was it better for her to know my feelings?

If I wasn't going to survive, I wanted her to move on. I wanted her to be able to forget the nightmare Felix had made her live, and have a good life, as far as this was possible. I desired every good thing for her. Maybe I could entrust her to my friend Emeritus; I could ask him to keep her safe with his family, and eventually free how could I tell her my thoughts, when I desperately wanted her to have a future with me and only me? To be the man she was going to call husband, to be the father of her children, our children.

"I love you."

The words didn't come out from my mouth, voicing my thoughts, but from hers. I gaped at her. My astonished expression was mirrored in her widened eyes.

"If we are really going to be separated, I can't risk saying goodbye to you without telling you how deeply I care for you," she added softly.

I rushed to take her in my arms. "I love you too, Bella. I want you forever. I want you to be mine as I'm already yours." I devoured her kisses. How could I possibly be so happy when we were surrounded by danger, the future gaping like a black pit in front of us?

"I can't make you any promise, because I am a prisoner," I said, "but if we survive this, I want us to be joined forever. I want to free you and bind you to me according to your religion and the laws of Rome. If you want me, that is."

"Yes. I want nothing but you," she answered eagerly.

How I wanted her! She had already conquered my heart, but I was desperate to show her with my own body how much I desired and cherished her. She flushed, aware of my physical response to her.

"Will you make me yours?" she asked shyly.

"I should not have my way with you," I murmured, "much as I desire it, because you are not free. It would be wrong..." Feeling my arousal, I tried to distance myself and regain some composure.

Her grip on my shoulders, however, was unbelievably strong for such a slight woman. "You are not free either, my Antonius," she told me, "but we can decide, just for a short time, to escape the destiny in store for us. Please, don't go away. I am yours. I will be forever yours," she vowed.

I cradled her face in my hands, peppering her eyelids, nose, and cheeks with light kisses. "Tell me if I do something that you don't want, my beloved," I murmured. I had never been so hesitant with a woman–but she was so much more than any woman I had previously held in my arms. I caressed her forehead, getting lost in her eyes; they had intrigued me with their honesty and clarity, from the beginning. In them I had found acceptance, tenderness, love. I brushed my fingers along her neck and then on her shoulders; I smiled at her sudden blush. Could I take her? Could I make love to her? The language of our bodies was saying much more than any words possibly could.

She caressed my hair, and I buried my face in the crook of her neck. I whispered her name over and over, as a prayer. She was my ray of light: she was my hope. I didn't believe in the gods of my people anymore, but her faith made me wonder if a divinity could truly exist and had given her such an exceptional heart. How was it possible that someone, let alone such a young woman, could love with so much passion and so deeply?

I was going to protect her, no matter what. I would have done my best to keep her safe even if she had openly rejected me; but she was giving me her love, without asking anything in return.

I caressed her mouth, tenderly opening her lips with my own. I wanted to thank her for every sweet word she had said to me. There had been a time when I knew I was considered attractive to women. Their admiration, even their desire, was just something that I took for granted. But Bella had made me feel cared for. She had never offered any of the wiles that the women I used to see knew so well; she had never tried to seduce me. With her sensitivity, with perceptiveness and generosity, she had reached into the inner depths of my heart. She had gone past every wall of mine. Letting down my defenses had become more and more natural with her.

"Se agapao," she whispered in her native language.

Her words made me smile widely. "I can understand it, you know?" I told her softly. "But be sure I have never said 'I love you', in Greek or in any other language, to anyone. I have never had cause. I have never felt this way before."

She seemed confused but didn't voice her doubts. I could read in her expression that she didn't believe me.

"Trust me, my sweet Bella. You've changed everything in me. You are all I have been waiting for." Could she read in my eyes the sincerity of my words?

She tightened her grip around me and sweetly kissed my mouth.

Both lying on my bed, I admired the shy goddess in my arms. Leaning on my side, I cradled her body close to my chest. I lay her back, losing myself in her eyes as I hovered over her. Her dark hair was a halo around the purity of her face, a silk cushion upon which the most precious pearl was shining. My fingers circled the peaks of her breasts, making them harden. I teased her mouth with my lips, until she tilted her chin up, trying to catch my kisses. My lips brushed her chest, as if I could tell her heart directly how much I loved her. My hand glided across her skin, moving down.

I continued to touch her, letting my fingers find the way to those tender places in which Love proclaims its presence. They learned the fullness of her breasts and the mystery of her most secret spots.

I looked at her, searching for any sign of anxiety, but all that I could see was the love-light trembling in her eyes, like rays of sun sparkling on dancing waves. She moaned softly and our caresses were mingled with murmurings of love and whispered words. Although I was the experienced one, I felt that I wasn't leading her; we were going together, at the same pace, toward a promised haven.

Wave by wave, we felt our arousal increase, until we couldn't withstand our separation anymore.

And so we became one.

Bella was magnificent. I cherished the perfect shape of her body, her scent, her taste, and the way she welcomed me in our lovemaking, almost with no sign of distress. It was inebriating, knowing I was the first to enter her sanctuary. She was for me a garden enclosed; a shut up spring, a sealed fountain. I wanted to discover every flower of her garden, get lost in every scent. Could she feel how precious she was to me?

Our mutual pleasure came naturally, sweeter than anything I had experienced before. She had chosen me, and I desired with all my heart to be worthy of her decision. I loved her with my whole body, with all my strength, glorying in her responsiveness, and felt both powerful and humbled by her delight. Her voice quavered, and I could sense the joy she was feeling in unison with my own. My speed slackened so as to prolong her bliss.

When we were spent, I pulled her against me and kissed her sweetly. The smooth silk of her skin became warmer as my caresses cherished it. She nestled in my arms as I held her; the time flew by. I wished she knew that I would be forever grateful for her trust. We whispered to each other words to be saved in a secret place of our hearts.

I would keep Bella in my embrace forever. Our love was strong – we were aware of it, as we knew how fragile our life circumstances were. I could only hope that I was wrong about Felix. Nothing can separate me from you, Bella, I vowed. Until my last breath, I will love you; mind, body and soul.

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Notes

Song of Solomon 4:12, "A garden enclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed." (King James Version).

For the love scene between Antonius and Bella I am very indebted to Ovid and his Ars Amatoria, but also to Romanward's lovely betas/prereaders. Speaking of lemons (lol), in Italy we have a liqueur called Limoncello, made from lemon peel. Camilla provided it for this chapter, while JMolly had the idea of a "Writing Lemon Course" just for me. What more can I ask for?

Romanward gratias agit to Camilla10, LJSummers, Duskwatcher2153, Marlena516, and Jmolly. Don't miss their stories! Thanks to Project Team Beta.

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