De Immortalitate – Immortality

Disclaimer: The characters of Twilight are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

This is the longest chapter, at least so far. Some of your questions are going to be answered.

My friend Camilla10 often says that, "they are vampires, not fluffy bunnies." Warning: violence ahead.

Chapter 18 – Shadows

"Damna tamen celeres reparant caelestia lunae:/

nos ubi decidimus/

quo pius Aeneas, quo Tullus diues et Ancus,/

pulvis et umbra sumus."

"Yet swift moons repair their heavenly losses:/ when we have gone down to where/

righteous Aeneas, rich Tullus, and Ancus are,/ we are dust and shadow."

(Horace, Odes, IV, 7, 13-16)

Antonius' POV

Thump...thump...thump...

Faster, faster, faster.

Their heartbeats were frantic in the darkness. They felt exposed, incapable of defending themselves. They looked around, confused, sensing that someone was close to them, but who or what was it? They couldn't detect any other breath, because I was holding mine. They talked, cried, and screamed, but didn't get any answer. I was too shattered to talk.

Aro. The last thing I remembered was Aro's snarl. Then everything had been set on fire. At first, it had been like standing too close to a fireplace. Like a snake, the fire had begun to bite me. Suddenly, through thousands of bites, the pain had gone under my skin. My muscles had been useless against it. I was burning! I recalled the men I had killed in the war. I had seen them kneeling in front of me after the last blow; I had seen their eyes becoming glossy as they exhaled their last breath. I expected that it would happen to me, too. But it didn't. I continue to drown in that nightmare, and I couldn't wake up.

Drowning. That was what I was feeling. I tried to take a breath, fighting for a mouthful of air like a desert would have welcomed the rain, to no avail. My heart was pounding in my chest, as if my flesh was going to tear apart and spit it out. There was a final, agonizing burst of fire, and my heartbeat stopped abruptly.

When I opened my eyes, I found myself in a cave.

I must escape. I hadn't even finished thinking about the direction I would take– I had already moved forward, as if I could move at the speed of my mind. What has happened to me?

Thirst. My throat was burning. The only thing I could focus on was that I had to drink. I looked around me. There wasn't any light in the cave, but I could see almost as clearly as if I were in the daylight! A long, narrow alley of stone stretched in front of me. I could sense the humidity that made its walls wet and moldy. There were two shadows down the cave. Two men, tied and shaking, were not far from me. A heavy chain, secured to a ring on the wall, prevented them from running away. They were close to each other, curled up against the wall. One of them kept wiping his nose – I couldn't say if it was because he had cried or because he had a cold.

Then, the voices. I thought that invisible ghosts were talking to me until I found their source: the voices came from the two men. From their minds and heart! As I approached, they began to beg. They were thinking that they were facing a supernatural creature–a god, perhaps–and were pleading with him to spare their lives, asking for mercy and desperately hoping to see their families again, or just a ray of light. I looked around. There was no one but me in front of them.

I was the abnormal creature they were afraid of. I wondered if they could understand me and if we could escape together from the cave, but as soon as I reached them, the men struggled with their chains, trying to distance themselves from me. One of them gave me a punch. He screamed as he hit my shoulder, but to me his fist was like a fallen leaf that had glided over me. The other tried to bite me, but on instinct, I grasped him to keep him steady. His bones cracked in my fists as if they were made of thin branches of dead wood. I jumped back. The way he was contorting himself on the ground confirmed that I had actually broken his bones. The other one kept begging me, sobbing, but I was deaf to his cries. A pang of pain in my throat took my full attention; the pain had only increased as I had gone closer to the men. The first one couldn't move his leg anymore. It was at an odd angle, as in a badly-executed painting. I looked at my hands. The men's skin was so hot that, when I had touched them, it had been as if I had put my fingers too close to a fire. But my hands weren't burnt.

The voices continued to hammer in my head, a blur of sounds and images. I had to stop them. I tried to yell, but it didn't work. A growl erupted from my chest instead, making my body tremble. The tremor and the thirst made me feel as if I had a fever. I didn't want to burn anymore–I couldn't go back to the flames that had changed me into a monster.

The man with the fractured leg started to crawl on the ground. He scratched at the soil, trying to move faster. I stared at his nails digging in the dirt; I saw them splintering and his skin cracking open. The pungent smell of the blood from his wounded fingers lashed at me like a whip. My mouth watered and the growl in my chest became a roar.

I launched myself at him and gripped him tightly. His body's warmth and softness reminded me of the fragrance of a loaf of bread; I welcomed them, indifferent to the man's screams. I inhaled deeply and sank my teeth in his flesh.

The voices have stopped! I bit again, more deeply, and a sweet nectar began to flood my mouth. I sucked as fast as I could and swallowed the first mouthful. The thirst...I don't feel the thirst anymore! Again and again, I sucked and swallowed, until there was no more to be had. I lapped at the last drops and licked my lips. My throat started to tickle again. The burning was coming back. No...the thirst! The fire! I had to keep the flames away. Like a whisper, a voice returned inside my head. I didn't want to hear it! I had to keep that voice away, too. I inhaled again and detected the same delicious smell. Before I realized what was happening, another corpse was on the ground. I had drained two men.

I knelt on the ground, panting. The words I had heard in the army resounded in my head: your strength doesn't mean anything if you can't manage it. Strategy is what distinguishes a soldier and a general from a beast. You must be prepared to wait for your enemy and to plan your attack before striking. They were wrong. It wasn't true that uncontrolled strength didn't mean anything. On the contrary, it meant too much. It meant that I was enslaved by the unstoppable monster that had taken control of me and desired nothing but death.

I wanted to cry for the lives I had taken, but I couldn't. I didn't have tears anymore.

I curled in a ball as far as possible from the corpses. I hadn't wanted to kill them!

I had to leave this place, where I was obsessed by what I had done. I stood up and ran toward the exit of the cave. But I could not escape: two monsters were waiting for me. A wave of anger made me roar as I saw Aro and Felix, their faces so clear that I could detect every single detail of them. I could hear their voices, too. Not the ones I had heard in our encounters. Their inner voices.

He's ready...my son. Finally an immortal. What a strong newborn!

He would make a good guard.

He drank. Is he satiated?

As soon as I tried to run past them, Felix captured me, holding me in place.

I didn't answer him, but aimed directly at his throat, determined to rip it open. He had killed my mother and damned me to this condition.

He deserved to die.

Four other hands held my arms and blocked me from behind.

"You need to calm down," Aro observed, emotionless. I looked around to see who the two guards were who had stopped me. How had they arrived so unexpectedly?

"What have you done to me!" I screamed. "I hate you! I want to die!"

"Why would you want to die, when you can have everything you've dreamed of?" Aro offered in an ingratiating way. "You wanted to be a soldier, didn't you? I'm offering you the opportunity to become a guard in an immortal army. You could become a powerful hero."

It's a great offer. He doesn't have any reason to refuse it. It was Felix's voice.

"I have an excellent reason!" I yelled to him. "I don't want to be a monster! I don't want to be like you!"

"How did you do that?" Felix demanded.

Aro looked at him, puzzled. "What is it, Felix?"

"He talked as..." he trailed off in disbelief.

"...as if I could hear your mind," I continued.

Is he gifted? Aro wondered. A mind reader? Without touching? That would be wonderful!

"How could you call it a gift? You put a curse on me!" I spat.

Aro clapped his hands, as if he had just got a very pleasant surprise. "So it's true! You can read minds!" He turned toward Felix. "He didn't touch us, but he can hear our thoughts," he explained. "He will be a powerful weapon!"

Felix gaped at me. His thoughts told me that he hoped I would join the guard, but that he didn't want to annoy Aro and say he didn't believe I could read his mind. "Aro is offering you a great honor," he told me. "You will be among the most powerful and respected members of our kind. You'd enjoy every imaginable pleasure, and your services will be rewarded with incomparable generosity. The banquets and the fair women you will meet here can make even the luxury of an Emperor pale in comparison. But becoming a guard should be your free choice. Once you have decided to join us, it will be forever."

"Never!" I shouted, trying to free myself. The two guards were struggling to restrain me, but together they were still stronger than I was.

"You'll be given some time to think about your decision," Aro cut in. "Once you're strong enough to control your instincts, you will be free to join the other guards or to leave."

"But Aro," Felix objected. "He must stay! How can he refuse such an offer?"

Aro glared at him. "I don't want prisoners among my warriors. It will be his choice," he remarked. "He must stay down in the cave," he ordered the two guards.

I didn't want to go back in there. If Aro was really going to set me free, I could manage to...to what? I couldn't go back to Bella. What if I couldn't stop myself from killing her? Could I find a way to keep her safe? It was all I could hope for; then I would kill myself. It was the only way to ensure that I wouldn't kill other men.

"You said you don't want prisoners," I reminded Aro. "So why are you keeping me in the cave?"

"You are still volatile and you need to drink," he explained.

Drink? Does it mean that..."No! No!" I cried. "I don't want any more men. Don't bring me other men! I don't want to kill them!"

As a soldier, I had killed. But I had never done it for myself. I had been deluded that I was doing it for a greater good: for the Empire, for the people of my country who couldn't defend themselves. I had killed, believing that it was the only way to ensure the freedom of us Romans. The monster in me sprang to the surface again. The more I killed, the more the monster would take my freedom, making me act only to satiate his thirst.

Felix moved as if to intervene, but Aro stopped him. "Fine. A human will be brought to you tomorrow morning. If you can manage to restrain yourself for two days and two nights, you will be free," he declared.

How is it possible? Does he want to let a newborn leave unguarded? Felix thought, but he didn't dare contradict his leader.

It couldn't be so easy. A snake like Aro wasn't going to release me without putting up a fight. But it was my only opportunity. "Deal."

The next morning, a new victim was brought to the cave. I detected his heartbeat and scent even before I could see more than a shadow in the distance.

For a while, I was strong enough to restrain myself. I didn't talk to the man. To talk, I needed to breathe; but whenever I breathed, the appealing aroma that made my throat burn became irresistible. So I resolved to stay in a corner, as far as possible from him. Holding my breath became uncomfortable after a while, but it seemed that I could go on forever. How many hours went by? How many days, months, centuries? I couldn't believe that the arranged time wasn't over yet! The torture was unbearable.

The man fell asleep, exhausted, after many long hours. I envied him. He could escape from this nightmare, at least for the time of a short, troubled slumber.

But when he woke up and found that he was still imprisoned, he became too agitated; the scent of his fear was overwhelming.

One by one, he called the name of the gods. "Help me!" he pleaded. He enumerated what he would offer to the gods if they saved him. Who was he praying to? Was he aware that the creatures who had imprisoned him considered themselves gods as well?

He struggled to free himself from the chain on his ankle. I feared that if he broke the skin, the scent of his blood would become irresistible.

"Stay calm," I instructed. "You'll be freed soon if you obey."

He jumped as he heard my voice. "I beg you, help me!" he rushed to tell me. "Are you a prisoner as well?"

I didn't speak further. The less I inhaled the scent of his blood, the better.

"Please," he began to cry. "You can understand me, can't you? I'll give you everything I have, just help me!" He tried to come closer to me; in his mind, I saw that he was going to embrace my knees, begging me in the name of whatever was considered sacred.

"Stay back," I hissed, clamping my mouth shut.

He didn't listen to me. "Don't deny me!" He sobbed.

As I opened my mouth, the short breath I took to talk to him again rekindled my thirst to the point that everything else became meaningless.

I failed.

"Forgive me," I mumbled.

The monster I was broke him as easily as if he was a clay puppet, then drained him in a matter of seconds.

As I distanced myself from my victim and closed my eyes, it was as if I weren't in the cave anymore. I felt satiated and refreshed, as if I had slept for an entire night. A wave of warmth ran through my body, like I had been spread with an aromatic oil after a long bath. I licked my lips – every pain in my throat had subsided. But then, a light tickle came back in my mouth. I swallowed, but it didn't go away. I opened my eyes to see the corpse on the ground staring at me accusingly. I closed the man's eyelids, but the terrified expression of his eyes didn't leave my thoughts.

I hated Felix even more; not only had he deprived me of my freedom when I still had a life, but he had taken my life completely by changing me into a monster like he was. I was damned to be immortal.

The bloodsucking monsters I hated so much weren't around me anymore. The monster was inside me, now. I was this horrible creature. How could I ever resign myself to it?

Maybe the gods really did exist. Was my new nature a punishment because I didn't believe in them anymore?

I was damned to witness ceaselessly how my fears had come to pass. Every trait of my new nature was instrumental in making my punishment worse: I couldn't sleep so I had time to recall all that I had become, all that I had done.

I had the sharpest sight that I could have ever imagined, even in the darkness, so I could see every single detail of the desperation I brought of my victims.

I could hear the thoughts of the men I killed and drained, so I could sense–in their full force–all the sorrow, fear, and pain I was creating.

My body had become a prison I couldn't escape.

I stared at my hands. They had touched Bella, caressed her, explored her body in the most intimate ways. These same hands belonged to a filthy bloodsucker.

Bella. It was as if my mind was divided into many rooms. I could think about Bella every moment of the day and the night, but I was simultaneously focused on the insatiable thirst, my next innocent victim, and my increasing hatred for the enemy who had damned me to this existence.

Another man was brought to me. I hoped that the deal with Aro was still on the table, and if I could spare the life of a poor victim, I would get my freedom back.

I even started to pray to Bella's god. I didn't have anything to trade for Bella's safety and I didn't know if, as it was for my people's gods, hers also required an offering to grant his believer's wishes. I had nothing to say to the gods of my people, but Bella had assured me that her god was willing to listen to me. Even if he was a god that I didn't know, how could he not want to protect such a good soul as Bella?

So I started to promise him that I was going to restrain myself. I wished that, if I could avoid killing a human being just to satisfy my instincts, Bella's god would save her. How long would I last without drinking blood? I would starve myself if it meant that Bella would be out of danger.

But my promise to Bella's god enhanced the pain I felt every time I took another life. I was afraid that, by satisfying my bloodlust, I was putting at stake my chance to bargain for Bella's safety.

What if she were already dead?

The thought gave me the sharpest sorrow. I had to believe that there was still a possibility to save her. I had to cling to my only hope.

I struggled and fought against the thirst, against the instinct, against the fear that it could be too late to save Bella and I would only kill myself for nothing.

In the end, I succeeded.

Two days later Felix and Aro came back to the cave with the same guards. The man that I had managed to spare was on the ground; he had fainted but was still alive. As simply as one would pick a grape, Aro grabbed him and broke his neck. I averted my eyes, disgusted, while one of the guards drank from him. I knew they would not spare him even if I managed to do so, but it still pained me that my effort came to nothing. Would Aro honor his promise, or would all my self-restraint be in vain?

They led me back to Aro's domus. Apparently, the cave where I had been held prisoner was in the forest surrounding Volterra. I recognized the road I had traveled with Felix when we had arrived on the final leg of our journey. I remembered the sumptuous hall in Aro's house: I had spent the final moments of my life there.

"Very well, my friend," Aro began. "I must admit that such a strong control in a newborn is absolutely amazing. It would be another good reason to keep you in our army. Have you reconsidered your answer, perhaps?"

"Am I free, now?" I spat. It was my only concern.

"Of course you are."

"So I'm done here."

"As you wish, my friend," Aro agreed.

I could leave finally, but Felix and Aro were still talking. Their thoughts were changing so fast, as well as their words, that I couldn't understand them immediately. But I stopped in my tracks when, among all the words and images that crossed their minds, I saw Bella.

Aro grimaced smugly when he saw that I headed back toward him.

"What happened to her?" I demanded. I searched his mind, but there weren't any more thoughts about Bella.

"I don't want to come between father and son, so I prefer that you solve this problem on your own," he told us.

An image of Bella flickered in Felix's mind.

"Where is she?" I hissed.

He smiled at me. "She's closer than you think. I gather she's going to meet Aro very soon for a banquet."

I felt my knees weaken. "No..." I murmured. I wasn't above begging, if it ensured Bella's safety. "Please, no. I'll do whatever you want, but please, not her."

"Why? Do you want to drink her yourself?" he taunted.

I growled at him. "I'm not like you."

He pretended to be incredulous. "Aren't you?" he mocked. "Do you think that you are better than anyone else just because you managed to stop yourself for a few days, after you were glutted with all the men you had just drained?"

"You didn't fight your instincts," I growled. "Not even for your wife's sake!"

He clenched his jaw. I had noticed in the past that Felix avoided talking about my mother, and I had supposed that she was held prisoner in another house, like I had been imprisoned in the villa. Not even in my worst suspicions would I have imagined that she had been killed by the man she loved.

In Felix's mind, I caught a deep regret. He was ashamed. With me, he insisted that everything had depended on his nature and that a vampire shouldn't fight against his strongest instincts, but in his mind he didn't forgive himself. I didn't want to hurt her. I wanted her to become like me...he recalled. I failed...

I froze, listening to Felix's thoughts. Had he desired to make his wife like him to keep her forever? Had he killed her only by mistake? When he was still human, Felix had always counted on his physical strength and on his willpower. But with my mother, his most cherished resources had failed him. He had been sure that he could get whatever he wanted, but hadn't been able to keep safe the only woman he cared for.

I didn't make the same mistake again. Aro didn't kill you, he thought. Was he addressing me through his mind? Was he asking to be forgiven since he had lost his control and drained my mother while he was trying to change her?

"Let's see if you can manage to stop yourself when you are with your beloved human. Get her," he instructed. "Stay alone with her–and not for a mere two days, either. I'm sure that you will kill her, and finally you will understand our nature." He paused and took a deep breath, as if he were recollecting his control. "You will understand that you would have done the same with your wife!"

"Don't delude yourself," I spat.

"You can have every woman you ever desire at your feet." He changed his tone, trying to tempt me. "You might have power, strength, wealth and whatever we had dreamed of. Accept your new nature, and you will forget her in no time. What does she mean to you?"

"How could you ever understand that I love her?" I snarled.

Again, he was hurt. He remembered my mother. I didn't believe that he still loved her after his change. Otherwise, he would have protected her from his own bloodlust. He narrowed his eyes at me. "Would you really do anything to save your human?"

"Of course I would!"

"Well. I'm not going to be the one who will take her life. On the contrary, I'll be very generous to you. You will stay alone with your beloved girl until the next Kalends. She will be fed, don't worry, but you won't be given any human to feed from," he stated.

Ten days? Aro thought, chuckling. There's no way he is going to resist so long. He's a newborn; his bloodlust will be maddening.

I squared up, ready to do anything for Bella. I wouldn't fail. "What do you grant me in exchange?" I had to ascertain that Bella wasn't going to be hunted by any of these monsters anymore.

"If you succeed in restraining yourself again," Aro chimed in, "there will be an offer for you."

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Chapter Notes

In the Roman calendar, the Kalends were the first day of the month. It is thought to have originally been the day of the new moon.

About Antonius' ideas on religion: it wasn't unusual, for ancient Romans, to pray the gods of other people, in order to draw them over. The relationship among gods and men was, for the Romans, essentially a do ut des ("I give so that you might give") one: people should give their offers and sacrifices to the gods, so that the gods would help them in return.

A/N

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