De Immortalitate – Immortality

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Chapter 20 – Avenger

"Tu quidem tantorum scelerum vindex...qui potes...ista...ita demisse ac facile pati?"

"The avenger of such abominable crimes...how can you...endure these things with such abject humbleness?"

(Cicero, Letters to Brutus, I, 16)

Antonius' POV

"I still trust you," Bella had told me. In her sleep, she had even murmured my name and said that she loved me. Me? Who was I deluding? Bella had loved me as a human, of that I was sure. But how could she love the monster I had become?

While I watched her sleep during the night, I wrestled with the chasm between what I wanted and what I knew was right. I wanted to kiss her and make love to her again. But I vowed that, as soon as I had gained freedom for us, I would never see her again. As long as we were prisoners in Volterra, I had to restrain myself and preserve her life. But afterward, keeping her safe would mean that I should never be a part of her life, even from afar.

"I swear to you that I'll make them pay," I told her in her sleep. It was my only solace. I was ready to lose my life–if I could call it so–to have my revenge on Felix. I had become as strong and fast as he was; revenge wasn't impossible anymore.

The rain lessened, but the air was still cold. Bella had shivered all night, even after I had given her my cloak. I couldn't shield her from the cold, nor from the despair and fear that our situation inspired. The dampness of the stone walls made the day feel even bleaker. I remembered another rainy day, the one when Bella had saved me in the atrium. One of the last days of my human life..."I love you," I whispered to her. No one could ever take it from me. No one could make me stop loving her.

Shortly after Bella had awakened, I heard footsteps in the corridor, but no heartbeat. Vampire.

"Stay behind me," I told Bella. "Someone is coming." As if my presence weren't enough to endanger her life.

I checked to make sure she was behind me before I turned back to the door. It was heavy and bolted with iron. A lean girl like Bella wouldn't be able to open it, even if it had been unlocked. I thought about the way the prison was organized until I understood Aro's plan. The heavy doors, the narrow holes, and the deep woods made escape very difficult, but not completely impossible for the strongest human prisoners. I recalled that the scent of the victims I had drained became more and more appealing when they were upset.

If someone had tried to leave the cell, the rush of the run, the accelerated heartbeat as he thought that he could make it, and the excitement of the slight hope would make his scent luscious. Stopping a fugitive could be a challenge to prove the expertise of the human guards; if they didn't catch him in time, chasing him provided the most amusing game for the vampires. I knew better than attempting to run away with Bella, breaking down the door or even tunneling through the rock. The monsters would become unstoppable in their frenzy.

The door cracked open and a female vampire arrived on the doorstep. I had not yet seen a female immortal, but I recalled Felix's words: "You can have every woman you ever desire at your feet." Was it another of his traps? Did he believe he could tempt me that way?

They were right. He is handsome, her inner voice told me. So the voices were back. I hadn't heard them since... since I had been left here. I glanced at Bella. Couldn't I read her mind? She was curled in a corner, with her forehead on her knees. I still remembered how she had felt in my arms–I ached from the longing to hold her. Even Bella's embraces had been stolen from me.

"Ave," the vampire purred. A mass of ebony curls framed her face. Through her eyelashes, she tried to look at me coyly. Her ruby gaze traveled over me, taking in my features.

I grimaced, baring my teeth at her. "What do you want?" I asked curtly.

She gave me a loaf of bread and a bowl of water. "For the human," she explained, with a note of contempt in her voice. Or are you ready to drain her?

"Go away," I hissed.

The vampire glanced at Bella, then smiled at me. She smells good, but I've tasted better. We could share, you know.

"You don't get to touch her," I growled. "Go away."

Her eyes widened, but she didn't leave. So it's true. He can read minds, she thought. But his gift isn't like Aro's. This one hasn't even touched me. She toyed with a curl of her hair. "See you tomorrow," she whispered. You might call upon me if you want better company or if you need to dispose of the corpse.

I seized her by the throat. She gasped and I heard Bella's heartbeat accelerate. Was she watching the scene? Another vampire stepped beside the viper. I recognized him as one of the guards who had held me after my change.

"If you hurt her, the human dies right now," he threatened.

I mastered my anger and let the viper go. Before the door was closed again, I took a deep breath. The less I inhaled Bella's scent, the better. When the vampires' thoughts moved too far to be detected, I turned toward Bella. She was still in the corner, looking at me with an expression of confusion on her face.

"May I ask you what happened?" Her voice sounded unsure.

"They brought some food and water for you. Be very still, I'll come closer." I gave her the bread and the bowl and then retreated as far as I could from her. Her eyes widened when she saw how fast I was–another way to frighten her. Forgive me, my love. I beg you, forgive me for this, too.

"You talked to that guard as if she had said something to you–as if you were answering something different than her words." It seemed that she was struggling to find the right words. "I don't know if I'm making sense."

I nodded. Could I tell her about the voices? When we had been at the villa, sharing my burden with Bella was the comfort I most craved. But she didn't deserve to be frightened even more. I looked at her; obviously she was confused, her unanswered questions still lingering in her eyes. If I didn't tell her the truth, I would have had to lie. She didn't deserve that, either. "I can hear what people think. It's like having voices in my head," I admitted.

Bella seemed startled. "So do you already know what I'm going to say?"

I shook my head. "I can't hear your thoughts. I don't know why."

The voices of my victims came back to my mind; I needed to push them away. Bella. I had to focus on her. She was alive; it was the only thing that mattered.

"They–the guards–do they think that you'll kill me?" she murmured.

I couldn't answer. We had to change the subject.

I smelled Bella's food. A sack of rotten cabbage, dripping black juices and reduced to mush, wouldn't smell worse. "It's spoiled," I blurted.

"What?"

"The bread. It smells disgusting."

Bella sniffed it. "It's good. There's nothing wrong with it."

It was my turn to be confused. Caile had taught me that smell was a primitive survival skill, so that we could avoid poisoning ourselves with bad food. If it was regular food, why did it seem so bad to me? Was this the reason why I had never seen Felix eating or drinking after his return?

"Do you think you could try to eat it?" Bella offered.

Could I? "Throw me a piece of the bread." I put it in my mouth and recoiled. It was revolting. Regardless, I swallowed it. It didn't work; I felt that my body was rejecting the bread until I had to spit it out. I couldn't help but count how many days I had left to resist Bella. I recalled Aro's thoughts. "Ten days? There's no way a newborn is going to resist so long. His bloodlust will be maddening."

How was I going to succeed? I slammed my fist on the ground in exasperation.

Bella flinched. I saw her wiping her tears quickly. "I'm sorry," she rushed to apologize.

"Why?" I snapped. "Because I'm a monster? Is it your fault if I thirst for your blood? Is it your fault if the voices don't leave me in peace?" I turned toward the wall, clinging to it with my fingernails. Bella's sobs were tearing me apart.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Bella's POV

Antonius and I were in a lovely grove. The sun was shining over the trees and we could catch its rays among the leaves. We were playfully running. We were laughing and it felt good; laughing had become such a rare luxury for me in the last months, and I was so happy with him in the woods. I giggled when Antonius caught me. We weren't in his villa anymore and, finally, I wasn't afraid. We were free.

I woke up in the darkness, on the cold ground of our cell. Our freedom was only a dream.

"Bella, can't you sleep?" Antonius' voice was warm and low.

I reached out my hand; had he come closer to me? He still seemed so far. "I can't see you," I told him quietly. "Can you see me?"

"I can," he admitted. "I can see clearly even in the darkness."

Another difference between us. "Were you sleeping?" I asked.

There was a long pause. "I don't sleep." He sighed. "Not anymore."

A pang of longing hit me. The man I loved was in the same room, but we didn't belong to the same kind anymore. I wanted to embrace him, but I couldn't. I wanted to soothe him, but I was afraid that everything I might say would hurt him even more.

"Are you cold?" he whispered.

I was cold, but I didn't want to make him worry. "With your cloak, I feel much better."

"Try to sleep again. It's still night."

"Would you like to talk?" I offered. "Can I keep you company?"

"Sleep, my dear. I'll watch you." For the first time since he had arrived here, his tone sounded different. I didn't sense the pain and the tension in his voice anymore. Was he smiling, perhaps?

"Antonius, is it still so hard?"

"I think...I hope it's getting better."

My eyelids were heavy with sleep, but I struggled to stay awake.

"Do you want me to sing for you?" he offered.

My curiosity was piqued. "Would you?"

"It was something my mother did for me when I was a child," he recalled. "I used to play the cithara and to sing before...you know, before Felix came back. I have never done it in public, but I would have liked to do it for you."

I smiled and nodded at him, knowing that he could see me.

"Ipse cava solans aegrum testudine amorem," he began to sing.

My breath caught in my throat as I recognized the famous words by Virgil. It was the story of the legendary musician Orpheus and of his wife, Eurydice.

"He, soothing his love-sickness, sang of thee, o sweet wife, of thee alone on the solitary shore, of thee at dayspring, of thee at the death of day," Antonius went on.

After a satyr had caused Eurydice's death, Orpheus had sung so mournfully that his music softened even the hearts of the gods of the Underworld. He had been allowed to bring back Eurydice to the upper world, but then he had lost her again. Would it be our destiny, too? Antonius' sweet voice caressed me, keeping my fears at bay until I returned to my slumber.

"Good morning, dear heart," Antonius greeted me softly as soon as I woke up.

Still wrapped in his cloak, I sat and looked at him. He was even more beautiful than when he was...when he was human. A soft smile was on his face today. I smiled back at him.

"The sun is coming," I noticed. Finally, after such a long rain, a bright light was filtering through the hole on the ceiling. With all my body, I craved its warmth. The longing for the open air was painful. I missed the colors of the trees, the autumn leaves whirling in the wind, and the clouds running one after the other in the sky. The sun made the borders of the fissure glow as if they were golden, and I tried to catch a glimpse of the sapphire sky.

Antonius moved toward the light. Then he jumped back.

I couldn't believe what I had seen, and from his reaction I gathered that he had seen it, too. Under the sun, his skin was shimmering, shining like a gem.

He put his arm under the rays of sun. From the look on his face, I could tell that he wasn't any less frightened than I was. He retreated into the shadows, gaping.

"This is why," he mumbled, as if he were speaking to himself. "Felix always came when it was rainy. He knew it. He knew how he looked under the sun." He pulled at his hair, growling. "He will pay! He will pay for this also," he snarled.

I couldn't do anything but wait for him to release his rage.

I heard him growl and curse Felix. He scratched the wall like a caged animal.

But then I realized that there was something I could still do for him: as I had already done so many times, I closed my eyes and prayed for Antonius. I didn't know what was going on in his mind and his heart, but God did.

The feeble winter sunlight didn't last long. When I opened my eyes again, we were back in the usual gray light.

"Were you praying?" Antonius asked softly.

I recalled the garden of his villa, and the night when I had found a quiet refuge there. I had stared at the blinking stars, trying to lose myself in them, until Antonius had found me praying. Gone were the mocking words he had used then. He whispered his question, as if he were entering a holy place.

"I was."

He kept his head bowed. "I didn't want to disturb you."

"Antonius," I called. "Would you look at me?" I wanted him to see that I was smiling at him. Can I try? Will it help him? "Would you pray with me?" I asked.

He sighed. "Bella, how could I?" He appeared sad, but not angry.

I wondered if I should try again, but he continued to speak. "I have a confession for you. When I was...well, before I came here, I prayed to your God. I didn't know what had happened to you, and I asked Him to save your life. But how can He listen to a monster?" He grimaced.

I was incredulous. Was he the same man who had told me that no god had time to listen to me? He had prayed to my God? "Please, Antonius, believe me," I encouraged him. "God is listening to you. Whatever is going to happen, could you believe that He will still listen to you?"

He averted his eyes from me, shaking his head.

"When I lost my parents, I thought that everything had died with them," I continued. "But then, God helped me–through Esma, through you. Would you try to talk to Him?"

"As long as your God keeps you alive and lets me deal with Felix, I'd try anything."

I flinched. "What do you mean, dealing with Felix? Are you going to kill him?"

He tilted his head up; his features seemed made of stone. "I swear to you, Bella, that I'll make Felix pay for what he did. I can't give you anything else, but I'll give you this."

"No!" I cried.

"Isn't it what you want?"

"No, Antonius, no!" I wailed. "How can you–" How could he think I wanted him to kill on my behalf?

"Felix destroyed your family," he recalled. "He caused my mother's death too, and then took my life, damning me to this condition. He has to pay for this and for every single moment of pain he made you endure."

"And you? What would become of you, once you kill him?"

"Does it matter?" he spat.

"Of course it matters! I beg you, don't let him do this to you. Don't let the hate and the anger be the only things you feel," I begged.

He seemed incredulous. "Don't you want Felix to be destroyed so he can't hurt anyone else?"

"I don't want you to be destroyed."

"Don't I deserve to pay, too, for the people I killed?" he seethed.

I cringed. God, give me the strength. "God can forgive you, Antonius," I insisted. "I see you suffering for the lives you took, and God knows your contrition. But how could you ask for forgiveness if you are ready to kill again, this time with hate?" I tried to choke back my tears, to no avail.

"I don't deserve your tears," he said quietly. He stood in the middle of the dank prison, his head bowed, shoulders slumped.

I was aching to touch him and to cradle his face in my hands. I stepped forward, but then I caught myself and went back, before he had to stop me. "You deserve everything I have. I'm yours, if you still want me."

Antonius snapped his head up. The flaming red color of his eyes took me aback, but I was struck harder by the sadness that filled them. "If I still want you? You have seen what I have become. You are the one who shouldn't want me."

I straightened myself, trying to look at him in the face. The words erupted from me in full force. He must believe me.

"I'll always want you, Antonius."

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Announcement! Next week I'll begin to post a new multichapter story! The next chapter of "De Immortalitate" is due to be posted on 19 November. Romanward hopes that, in the meantime, you'll check the new story - put me on author alert, please!

A/N

Roman thanks to Camilla10, LJSummers, Duskwatcher2153, Marlena516, and Jmolly. Thanks to Project Team Beta.

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