First Date

These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home.

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"When you are in doubt, be still, and wait;
when doubt no longer exists for you, then go forward with courage.
So long as mists envelope you, be still;
be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mists
-as it surely will.
Then act with courage.
Ponca Chief White Eagle

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Thank you to all who enjoyed this story and shared your reviews, thoughts and wonderful ideas with me. See you with the next one.

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Chapter 25

Over the next couple of days Johnny was healing quickly and protesting enough that he was moved out to the floor, at the request of the nurses and at the soonest possible moment. Kanda had also responded well to her steroids and now Roy stood with her as they prepared to remove the tube. He was concerned because even as the sedation had worn off she remained quiet and they were having trouble getting her to respond. Even to him.

"Okay, Kanda, give me a big cough," Early said as he pulled on the tube. He then listened to her lungs and assessed her breathing. "How do you feel?"

She nodded then closed her eyes and rolled to her side. Roy prepared to take his spot in the chair next to her, where he had lived since she was placed in the ICU. The nightmares had continued to haunt her but usually Roy could get her to calm down and back to sleep.

"Roy?" He looked up to see Joe calling for him to come out into the hall.

"Roy I'm concerned about Kanda," Joe said in his soft spoken manner.

He just held his head down; he was beyond concerned at this point.

"I'd like to have her talk to Dr. Cullen just like we had Jenny do. She needs some help to work through this trauma."

Johnny had told them that he got her away from Adler before he had, well…Johnny had saved her from a much worse fate. But apparently she held onto what did happen very deeply. Roy would do anything to help her through it but would she talk to a stranger about it?

"Whatever you think is best for her doc I just want her to get better."

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"Johnny are you sure he didn't?" Roy asked desperate to find the clues to help her through this.

He didn't like talking about it either. For God's sake this was his sister they were discussing and the word rape was not a willing part of his vocabulary. Why did he have to keep saying this? It had been hard on him too.

Roy took him by the shoulder, "Johnny, I know this is really hard for you but Kanda's not coming out of this and we have to do anything we can think of to help her."

"I know Roy, it's just so hard." He tried hard to remember that night again for his friend. "He had taken her to his room and I could hear them but when I broke into the room they were each standing on opposite sides of the bed. Her shirt was open and she was crying. I don't think he had time to really hurt her Roy but she was already so upset. I could see it in her eyes. It was like she had given up."

"Johnny, what if that's it?"

He didn't get his friends train of thought, "What's it?"

"What if she was willing to do anything to save you and Jenny?" His heart broke for what she went through, for what she was willing to go through to save his daughter.

"Surely you wouldn't think she wanted it to happen?" Johnny was shocked at what Roy proposed.

"No Johnny not wanted but was willing to allow to happen. Did he ever promise her if she did what he wanted that he'd let you and Jenny go?" Was he just grasping at straws here?

Johnny went pale, "Oh God Roy."

There, Roy had his answer. At least what he thought the answer was but he had to talk to her and somehow get her to talk back.

Roy entered her private room and found her on her side, eyes closed and resting quietly. There had been next to no dialogue between them for days now and it was unnerving to him to be unable to touch her, hold her and comfort her. He reached up and rubbed her shoulder, "Kanda?"

She opened her eyes to see who it was but didn't move and didn't speak.

"I need to talk to you about that night with Adler." He decided to bring it out up front right off the bat. He wanted her attention and by the look in her eyes he had it. Not only her attention but the look of a frightened child. "I know you're afraid but I want to help you get through this."

"Roy don't," she whispered. This was the first time she had said his name since arriving in the ER.

"Yes. Johnny told me some of what happened. Please talk to me about it." He reached up to brush her hair out of her face but she pulled back out of fear, almost bringing tears to his eyes.

"Did he…rape you?"

The tears welled up in her eyes. How could she ever explain to him what happened? How his touch repulsed her, how his threats terrified her, but mostly how his warnings of harm to the others brought her to the point of giving herself to him.

Her voice was softer than a whisper, "No."

Roy closed his eyes and took a deep breath as the thanked the angels above for watching over her. "Did he hurt you?"

The tears ran down her face as he wiped them away, "Don't touch me. I don't deserve your love."

He smiled softly at her, "Like it or not you already have all my love."

"I wanted…" How could she say it? How could she tell him her horrible thoughts?

"Wanted what?" Gently, he told himself. Better to allow her to work through this at her own pace.

"Roy," she burst into tears, rolled on her back and put her arms over her face.

"Kanda, wanted what?" The first step was to get her to admit to her own feelings.

She sat up in the bed pushing him away, "You won't want me anymore after you know that I wanted him to do it to me." This time there was anger in her voice.

Roy was ready and expecting it, "Tell me why?"

"I just wanted him to get it over with."

"No Kanda, tell me the reason why? Why did you feel the need to allow him to get away with it?"

She looked up at him as a realization came over her eyes. She understood what he was doing but it still didn't change the decision she made that night. Even though it didn't happen, it almost did. "He was going to kill them."

"That's right. He threatened them if you did play his game right?"

She felt numb now and simply nodded.

He took her by the shoulders. He could see she was shutting down again and he had no intentions of letting her close him out this time. "Kanda, right?!"

She started crying again, "Johnny was hurt so bad and Jenny was so scared."

"So?" He pressed her.

"Oh God Roy, I had to. I had to do it or he was going to kill them." She then looked at him with wild eyes, "I would have gone through with it. How could you want to touch me knowing that?"

He moved up on the bed with her and pulled her shaking body into his arms. "You offered up your heart and soul to save Johnny and Jenny. How could anyone ever think that was done by someone bad? You are the most incredible person I have ever known."

She saw deep into those blue eyes, like she could reach his soul and touch it. There was no forgiveness there because he felt she had done nothing wrong. There was only empathy, tenderness, and devotion to be found for her. A somewhere down deep she felt that if he could still love her that much after what he knew then maybe she was worth being loved after all.

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Kanda agreed, prior to discharge, to follow up with some counseling sessions with Roy's encouragement. No one wanted her to be alone so Johnny went out to the ranch to stay with her until they had both had some recovery time and Johnny was ready to return to work.

They had all three missed Paul's funeral and as they now gathered around his gravesite, Johnny, Roy, Kanda, Joanne, Jenny and Chris, they prepared to say goodbye in their own way.

The grave was freshly dug as Kanda directed them to stand around it, each with a handful of earth that they cradled close to them. She walked around the grave site and began to sing softly and low in her native Lakota. Her melody was entrancing and peaceful picking up their weary hearts from the ground and renewing them. Their eyes were fixed on her, her beauty, grace, and deep passion for what she believed in only drew him closer to her.

Then even softer between them all Johnny began to translate her words for them.

Grandmother East, who brings us sun and life, I ask that you shine on my friends and bring them new life.
Grandfather South, who brings the storms to nourish our crops, be gentle when you fall on my friends, let the rain wash away the pain and sadness that they carry.
Grandmother West, who takes the sun and brings darkness to us so we may sleep. Please bring darkness without nightmares, shine your moon and stars on us in a gentle manner.
Grandfather North, the warrior who is beside my friends in battle, ride with them for they now are in the hardest battle for their life, the battle for inner peace, care for them.
Grandfather Sky, may your songs of the winds and clouds sweep away the pain and sadness from our hearts, let them know the spirits who are with those songs are at peace.
Grandmother Earth. I have asked all the other Grandmothers and Grandfathers to help my friends rid themselves of the troubles that weigh so heavy on their hearts. Their weight will now be less and they will walk more softly on you. Cradle him gently in your arms and allow him to join his friends in the sky.

May the Great Spirit watch over you and may you be at peace.

When she finished they all had tears running down their cheeks as they followed her lead in tossing the precious earth onto Paul's grave. She reached down and placed a handmade dream catcher at his headstone and the others followed with an offering to him. Chris gave him the first horseshoe he ever took off himself, a skill that Paul had taught him. Jenny placed flowers that she had grown in her little garden. Joanne laid down a small blanket that she had wrapped her children up in when they were born to protect them from the weather.

Johnny came by next and knelt down beside the grave knowing that this man lost his life trying to save them. His gift was an eagle feather that his grandfather had given to him as a boy. Roy was last and even though he didn't know the man really well he knew what he had tried to do and why. That was all that really mattered. On the grave he laid down a picture of his family, a final thank you for what he did.

As they filed away from the site, Joanne hand in hand with Johnny and Chris. Roy holding Jenny with Kanda on his arm he replayed the words to the prayer in his head and felt his heart flooded with all that she asked for them. This was his family and they were home.

Now about that second date…