Center

When Jacob was gone, I walked to the door to lock it- though I shouldn't say walked. Since I hadn't walked in ages, my legs were shaky and I ended up falling onto my knees many times in the attempt. Had it not been so important no one barge in, I would've given up. However, once the door was locked I went back to my bed and rubbed my aching knees as I sat up and stared at... him standing against the wall. He looked so real...

"I miss you," I whispered quietly.

I saw him smile kindly at me and open those perfect lips I ached for.

"You have no idea just how much I miss you."

He spoke with that crooked grin I loved and at the sight of it I felt my heartbeat speed up.

"Why do you look so sad Bella?"

"Because you're sleeping... and you won't wake up... Don't you want to see me again?"

"Of course I do, but Bella I can't come back to you, I'm held back."

I nodded and let myself go numb again.

"I love you."

But I'd blinked too soon and now he was gone. There was a faint tap on my door and a concerned call from the other side?

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Jacob."

Dinner would be soon so I had no time to take a decent shower. I went into the bathroom and ran water over my face and hands and stared at the stranger in my reflection. My hair was greasy and limp and obviously hadn't been washed in a long time. My eyes were dull and bags hung underneath because I didn't want to sleep- if I slept, I dreamt. His jacket smelt of my body odor and I cringed, wondering how Alice could stand hugging me. There was another tap on my door and I sighed. I used the wall for support as I went to unlock it and couldn't hide my surprise when Esme was in my sight.

"Esme?"

"I know you would feel embarrassed if Carlisle helped you but he said you would be very weak and that after speaking to Alice we're going to go to dinner a bit late to get you clean," she said with a shy smile.

I nodded and used the wall to go back to the bathroom and turned the water as hot as it would go. Esme waited with me as the tub filled, slowly. As son as it was finished I looked at myself in the mirror again and sighed.

"You still look beautiful. You're just not at your best? But then- who could blame you?"

I nodded slowly and undressed with her help, and surprisingly didn't feel nearly as embarrassed as I thought I would. After a ginger step into the tub, the hot water shocked the feeling back into numb skin and weak muscles. At the sight of my grimace, Esme gasped.

"Oh I should've made you wait! It's too hot for you, Bella I'm so sorry."

"No, no it's alright. It's actually good to feel something again."

She frowned slightly but took her hands back to her lap.

"I can't imagine what it would feel like to lose Carlisle," she murmured.

I froze in the middle of scrubbing my neck.

"I'm sorry," she said again, "I know you must still be hurting so much, but I wanted to tell you that- well Bella I may have not lost my husband but I have lost my son and I know a pain very close to yours. If you ever need to vent or cry... you're still my daughter and I'm here for you."

I nodded slowly and finished washing my body. My hair was smothered with strawberry shampoo and I worked my fingers through it carefully.

"I saw him today," I said carefully.

She nodded and helped me tip my head back to rinse.

"How did it feel?"

I laughed softly.

"It was almost like he was really here for a second. It hurt like hell though."

She nodded again.

"Would you see him again though? If you allowed yourself to?"

"I don't know that one either. It hurt to see him so much. I don't know how much I could handle that."

"Well at the risk of sounding my age- you won't know until you try it."

I was the one who nodded this time, and my bath was done.

--Edward's Point of View--

I was waiting outside with my troops to oversee the delivery of the group of expectant women. A trunk finally pulled up after an hour of waiting moved into a parked position. A man with a bulged nose leaned out the window.

"Cullen?"

"That's me."

"We got 8 girls in here, all of 'em pregnant or at least that's what they told us."

"Thank you. That's all you'll be needed for today."

He waited as we helped each woman down from the truck and then drove away. The women themselves looked terrified and looking closely at two of them, they couldn't be more than eighteen- if that. I sighed and cleared my throat.

"Each of you will be tested to assure a positive pregnancy. Those of you who are for sure, will be transported to a cabin where you will be accommodated according to how far along you might be. For testing, please make a single file line to follow Cadet Marks to the testing area."

As soon as they were gone I signaled to another soldier.

"I'm willing to bet that the majority of those girls aren't pregnant. Those that aren't, take them to Cabin B and keep them there until I can speak to them privately."

"What about the ones who are pregnant sir?"

"You know what to do. Get them into their rooms immediately so that they can rest and then give them food as soon as possible. More children are needed and to do that we must keep these women healthy."

"Yes sir."

--Jacob's Point of View--

It took a lot of self-control not to reach other and shove the roll down Bella's throat. She was swirling her food around her plate- again. She was watching Alice carefully, and smiling when she thought it was right but I knew she wasn't listening. She looked dazed and her lips were pursed with thought. It was doing no good just letting her sit there, besides I had work to do.

"Bella?"

"Huh?"

"Are you done?"

"Yeah."

I ran around to the side of the table and put my hand to the small of her back, to steady her for when she started to fall. As expected, she tripped but it was over her own feet when we were close to her room, and of course she still managed to hurt herself. She insisted she was fine but there was a cut on her cheekbone that was dripping with some blood.

"Hold still."

I went to her bathroom and ran a washcloth under warm water and returned. She was staring intently at the wall and I waved my hand in front of her face.

"Bella? Honey I need to clean up your cheek."

"Oh. Right."

As I pressed the cloth to her cheek, she sighed softly.

"What's on your mind?" I asked softly.

"Too much."

I nodded carefully and put the rag down, rubbing my thumb gently over her cheek.

"It would help if you talk about it."

"You'll think I'm crazy."

She laughed quietly and laid against her pillow, eyes closed. I held my breath because she had no idea how intently I watched her. I noticed the purple tint to her eyelids and how perfect they were against her creamy skin, how her legs were perfectly shaped, and how-

Stop.

I couldn't think like that. It was disrespectful to her.

"Bella, I already think you're crazy."

I gave her a grin and she smiled.

"I keep seeing him."

"Where?"

"Just where he should be. In here, against the wall," she pointed, "at the table in the empty chair next to me. It's frightening."

I touched her goosebumped arms and ran my fingers along her skin.

"Don't be frightened. You just haven't let go yet."

She opened her eyes to look at me sadly.

"How can I? He was my everything. I centered my life around him, around us."

"Well...," I said carefully, "maybe it's time to find a new center."

I could hear her sharp inhale and her words were crisp now.

"I don't want a new center."

I shrugged and moved my hand back.

"Bella, if I didn't care about you I wouldn't say this. You can't hold onto him forever. I know you want to hope but Bella, hope only goes so far. Look how far hope has gotten us."

My words were quiet but her quivering lip made me feel like I'd shouted at her.

"Don't be upset Bella, just try to understand."

"Why does everyone want to pretend like he never happened to me?"

"Bella that's not what I want. I just want you to move on. Keep his memory and the things you loved and keep them where they've always been. But now, it's time to open up your heart for more space, space for new loves and new memories. He won't be replaced, you'll just find something different."

"I can't live without him," she whispered, "I don't want to."

At those words my heart raced and I pulled her to me. I crushed her tiny frame against my chest and whispered into her hair.

"Never. Ever say that."

"Please," she whispered, "just let me go."

"Never," I said again. "You mean too much to me to let you do that."

She shook her head and tried to push away but I kept her locked against me.

"I'll take care of you Bella," I said quietly, "Always."

--

Sorry for the short chapter and the super long wait!

I suck I know. Busy busy busy. I promise I will update again soon! I know I say that a lot but I'm serious, I have a lot of creative ideas going right now and I have the perfect idea for the next chapter as well as a short for fictionpress aaannnddd another story, so be on the lookout for that. :P R&R as usual and tell me what you think!