Finally! Here is the next installment of this very odd story! (Do you know how HARD it is to come up with an excuse to have Rodolphus Lestrange sing "I'm Too Sexy"?)
And if you're wondering what happened to Sirius….well, I'll explain that in the next chapter. Somehow. I just need the right song. :P
The morning of Bellatrix's trial dawned bright and cheery—fitting, Rodolphus mused, with much of the court's mood. Naturally, they couldn't see the sun, cloistered as they were in Courtroom Ten, but given the smiles on a few of their faces, Rodolphus decided a little ray of sunshine resided in each of their hearts. No sooner had he thought that than he had to smile, too. If he thought he would see his wife again, he might use that line on her—just to make her mad.
His heart pounded as armed guards ushered him onto the witness' stand. When he looked at his hands, he saw they were trembling. He stuffed them into his pockets, hoping no sharp-eyed observer had seen. No need to let these gawkers know the very thought of testifying against his wife tied his stomach in knots.
"She'll go to Azkaban," Kingsley Shacklebolt had told him. "You'll help us decide how long."
Rodolphus wanted to tell him to give her life and be done with it, but held his tongue. It was never a good idea to contradict one of the men who kept you out of Azkaban.
Nevertheless, as the trial date approached, Rodolphus had spent the better part of his days working out methods of avoiding his testimony. Bellatrix had escaped from Azkaban once. Why should a little thing like the Dark Lord's death stop her from doing it again? He couldn't testify against her; but if he didn't, the consequences could be severe, according to Scrimgeour. But how to testify without testifying?
"Mister Lestrange," Rufus Scrimgeour began, drawing out the name. "You have been called here to testify about the crimes committed by the accused, Bellatrix Lestrange, from the date of her escape to the present time."
Rodolphus felt Bellatrix's dark eyes boring into him as he pointedly avoided her gaze.
"What have you to say, Mister Lestrange?"
Rodolphus ignored the faint note of accusation in Scrimgeour's tone as he looked at the floor, tapping his foot. The words Severus had taught him—the words Draco had helped him practice—flooded his mind. Drawing a breath for strength, Rodolphus raised his head and addressed the court.
I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me
Music poured into the room, and Rodolphus turned on his heel just as Bellatrix protested:
"You are not too sexy, Rodolphus, and that is not why I left you!"
I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
Arthur Weasley stood to his feet. "Mister Lestrange, I feel I must object! There are women in this courtroom!"
Rodolphus made a turn, fingering his robes seductively, and saw several women cover their mouths in shock, or blush fiercely as they looked away. One or two cheered, and Rodolphus gave his wife a nasty smile.
And I'm too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan
"No you're not! You're more than welcome to go there when this trial is over!"
Kingsley Shacklebolt tugged on Scrimgeour's sleeve. "He can't, not without violating his parole."
Scrimgeour sank back down and put his head in his hands. "Why, oh why did we give him parole?"
And I'm too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I'm disco dancing
Shacklebolt banged his gavel on the table. "No disco dancing in this courtroom. I'll not have another musical assassination on my hands."
Rodolphus gave a good-natured shrug and strutted down the steps, onto the courtroom floor, where he spread his arms and sang for all he was worth.
I'm a model, you know what I mean
Scrimgeour pounded his gavel. "Objection! Mister Lestrange is not a model! Lying under oath! Fifteen years in Azkaban!"
From her chair on the floor, Bellatrix shouted her agreement: "You couldn't be a model if you wanted to!"
Shacklebolt rolled his eyes, pounding his own gavel on the table. "Shut up, both of you."
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk
As if to emphasize his point, Rodolphus stopped halfway across the courtroom and turned on his heel, giving an attractive brunette in the fifth row a suggestive wink. She sat back, eyes wide, hands covering her cheeks, and Rodolphus strutted back the way he'd come.
I'm too sexy for my car, too sexy for my car
Too sexy by far
"We never owned a car, Rodolphus!"
"Aha! Lying under oath again! Fifteen years in—"
Arthur Weasley craned his neck, lifting an eyebrow at Scrimgeour. "Technically, he's not lying. He just said he's too sexy for a car."
And I'm too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat, what do you think about that
No sooner had he sung the line than a wide-brimmed hat landed at his feet. "You can have my hat, Rodolphus!" a woman in the audience cried. Rodolphus swept it up and tossed it into the air as he sang the chorus again.
I'm a model, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
I shake my little tush on the catwalk
I'm too sexy for my— too sexy for my— too sexy for my
"Too sexy for your what, Mister Lestrange? Care to elaborate? Or shall we jail you for contempt of court?"
Arthur laughed. "Well, obviously, he's so sexy he needn't explain all the things he's too sexy for. That would take all day."
Scrimgeour pressed his lips together. "I still say we jail him. Contempt of court. Ninety days minimum."
"You can jail him," Shacklebolt said. "I won't." He gestured to the stands, where the audience watched with varying degrees of embarrassment. "This is the most attention they've paid to a trial since the First War."
'Cause I'm a model, you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah, on the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah
I shake my little tush on the catwalk
As he finished the chorus, a cat appeared. Rodolphus spotted it, then turned away, nose in the air.
I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat
Poor pussy, poor pussy cat
"Oh, lay off it, will you?" Bellatrix shouted. "You always did love Mister Fluffles!"
Ignoring her, Rodolphus pranced to the other end of the courtroom.
I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love
Love's going to leave me
He opened the doors, pausing long enough to sing the last line:
And I'm too sexy for this song
With that, he slammed the doors closed. Cheers and boos erupted in equal measure from the stands, and it took several dozen bangs from Shacklebolt's gavel to quiet them. When they faded to silence, he was still chuckling.
"Well," he said. "I suppose it was too soon to have him testify against his wife, wouldn't you say, Rufus?"
Scrimgeour's eye twitched.