disclaimer: i dont own twilight, sadly, harry potter, bowling for soup, or scooby doo.
song used: 1985- Bowling For Soup
Back at the Cullen's…
"So then I was like NUH UH and she was all like UH HUH and I was all like NUH UH and she was all UH HUH and I was like NUH UH BIZNATCH.." Alice told Carlisle.
"Sure," said Carlisle, "You know I'm not a therapist right Alice?"
"What?" said Alice shrilly. "EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE!"
"Why don't you go tell Rosalie about this?" he responded kindly. "I'm sure she'd love to talk smack with you!"
"You're right!" Alice jumped off the couch and ran with awesome vampire speed to Rosalie's room. "Rosalie!"
"Alice!" Rosalie screamed. "MY HOMIE G GANGSTER SKILLET!"
"OMC!" Alice screamed. "WHATS HAPPININ GIRLFRIEND?"
"LIKE WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?"
"CUZ ITS FUNNER THAN TALKING LOUD!"
"SHUT UP!" screamed Esme from down below. "GOD YOU CRAZY BIATCHES NEVER SHUT UP!"
"Alice," said Rosalie, quietly this time, "Do you think Esme has been kind of off lately?"
"Yeah," whispered Alice. "She's all depressed and angsty all the time. Kinda like Harry Potter." Alice thought about this for a second. "OMC SHE'S A WIZARD!"
"No." sighed Rosalie. "I think the best way to handle this is too talk to her, and be gentle and sensitive."
"YO!" screamed Jasper from next door, "ESME! YOUR FREAKIN EMONESS IS KILLING ME! SUCK IT UP LIKE A MAN!"
"Not how I would have handled it," sighed Rosalie. "But I suppose it gets the point across."
Carlisle ran up stairs with super vampire speed and burst into Rosalie's room. "Do you know what day it is?" he asked urgently.
"Leif Erikson Day?" asked Jasper, who had entered the room now.
"No." said Carlisle with a sigh. "Do you want to know why Esme has been so emo lately?"
Rosalie heard the background music and sighed. "Doesn't matter, you're going to sing it to us anyway aren't you?"
Carlisle took a deep breath and sang, "Debbie just hit the wall/ She never had it all/ One Prozac a day/ Husband's a CPA/ Her dreams went out the door/ When she turned 24/ Only been with one man/ What happened to her plan?/ She was gonna be an actress/ She was gonna be a star/ She was gonna shake her ass/ On the hood of White Snake's car/ Her yellow SUV is now the enemy/ Looks at her average life/ And nothing, has been/ All right since/ Springsteen, Madonna/ Way before Nirvana/ There was U2 and Blondie/ And music still on MTV/ Her two kids in high school/ They tell her that she's uncool/ But she's still preoccupied/ With 19, 19, 1985/"
"Wait," said Alice. "We were all around in 1985. Why don't I remember this?"
"She's seen all the classics/ She knows every line/ "Breakfast Club", "Pretty In Pink"/ Even "St. Elmo's Fire"/ She rocked out to Wham!/ Not a big Limp Bizkitz fan/ Thought she'd get a hand/ On a member of Duran Duran/ Where's mini-skirt made of snakeskin?/ And who's the other guy that's singing in Van Halen?/ When did reality become T.V.?/ What ever happened to sitcoms, game shows/ (On the radio was)/ Springsteen, Madonna/ Way before Nirvana/ There was U2 and Blondie/ And music still on MTV/ Her two kids in high school/ They tell her that she's uncool/ But she's still preoccupied/ With 19, 19, 1985!"
"But that doesn't make sense!" cried Rosalie, "Alice wore a snakeskin miniskirt just the other day!"
"She hates time, make it stop/ When did Motley Crue become classic rock?/ And when did Ozzy become an actor?/ Please make this stop, stop, STOP/ (And bring back)/ Springsteen, Madonna/ Way before Nirvana/ There was U2 and Blondie/ And music still on MTV/ Her two kids in high school/ They tell her that she's uncool/ But she's still preoccupied/ With 1985/"
"No one calls her uncool!" said Jasper.
"Springsteen, Madonna/ Way before Nirvana (1985)/ There was U2 and Blondie/And music still on MTV (1985)/ Her two kids in high school/ They tell her that she's uncool (1985)/ But she's still preoccupied/ With 19, 19, 1985!"
"Carlisle!" screamed Esme, running upstairs and looking angry. "This has nothing to do with the 80s!"
"Then what is it Esme?" asked Jasper.
"IT HAS TO DO WITH THE FACT SOMEONE WROTE ARO THE MAGNIFICENT WAS HERE ALL OVER MY WINDOWS IN PURPLE SHARPIE!" Esme fell on the ground and started to weep non- existent tears. "And I can't figure out who."
"Well Carlisle," said Alice. "Your plan has been unraveled."
"I'm sorry!" and he broke down and stated weeping with Esme. "Its just everyone else has had a chance to burst into song except me!" he started beating the ground with his fists. "IT WAS MY TURN!"
"Oh Carlisle." said Rosalie with a roll of her eyes. "Don't you know anything? Music isn't something you can force. It comes from your soul."
Edward burst into the room at that moment and wailed, "We don't have souls! We're Vampires!" he joined Esme and Carlisle in there non- existent weeping. "I'M GOING TO ASK THE VOLTURI TO KILL ME AGAIN!"
"Did someone say Volturi?" screamed Aro, crashing through the window.
"It's Aro!" everyone said in alarm.
"NO FEAR GOOD CITIZENS OF CULLEN LAND, ARO IS HERE!" and he struck a heroic pose.
"OMC RUN! QUICK! BEFORE HE TELLS YOU ANOTHER JOKE!" all the Cullens were scrambling around in panic, except Jasper, who had crawled into a corner and assumed the fetal position.
"Hey now," said Aro. "I'm plenty funny!" The chaos continued. "Listen to this one, why was 6 afraid of 7?" he waited and when no one answered he continued, "Because 7, 8, 9! Get it? HA, HA, HA, THAT IS A KNEE SLAPPER!"
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Rosalie, falling to the floor and fainting again.
"MY EARS!" screamed Alice. "THEY BLEED!"
"THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN EDWARD WAS RAPPING!!" screamed Emmett, who had felt left out and snuck into the room when he heard the screaming.
"YEA- HEY!" screamed back Edward. "MY RAPPING WAS NOT THIS BAD!"
"Back to me and my problems!" wailed Carlisle. "See? Even Edward can rap!" and he started sobbing hysterically.
"Its ok Carlisle." said Aro, patting his friend on the back. "Ignore the haters. That's what I do."
"Does that really work?" sniffed Carlisle.
"Yes."
"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Esme, jumping up from the floor, "DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM TO BE A FREE THINKER!"
"Yea!" agreed Alice, "You were caught red handed Carlisle!"
"DANG!" sighed Aro. "AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO, IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU MEDDLING KIDS!" he eyed Alice. "AND YOUR DOG!" and with that parting phrase he jumped out the window.
Alice turned to Carlisle. "And then I was all NUH UH and she was all UH HUH and I was all…"