4.

"I can't believe it! I can't believe that you're going back to cooking! Aren't you excited?" Alice asked as she ripped the lettuce sitting at her kitchen table. I loved Alice's kitchen. I had always loved her kitchen. The size and the space.

Of course it always went to waste on her. She wasn't much of a homemaker.

"I am. It might be nice to get back in a kitchen and have people enjoy my work," I said but with out much enthusiasm. I broke apart the green pepper in my hand and heard the crunch underneath my fingertips.

"I know Edward is so proud," she said with a grin and I managed a smile at her while I concentrated on chopping the pepper. I always found it amazing that even though I was clumsy beyond reason, in the kitchen I was skilled and almost graceful. It was a love of mine. I enjoyed creating new things and having people love them. I had given it up, because it didn't bring me joy anymore. Only sad memories, but I had to realize at sometime I just couldn't stop my life. I had to keep going even if I didn't want to. Even if it seemed impossible or unfair.

"I hope," I teased and she rolled her eyes.

"So details?" she asked.

"Not much to tell. I told Charlie I wanted to get back to cooking and he pulled a few strings. His friend Billy owns a small restaurant and said he could use a new cook. So I start next week," I said and she sighed as she looked at me.

"Congratulations," she said sincerely but her voice was mixed with a heavier deeper smoother voice. I looked up expecting him to be there but of course he wasn't. It was just her.

"Thanks."

"So Billy? Doesn't he have a son?" she asked and my shoulders tense.

"Yea, um Jacob. I think he's dating someone right now," I said quickly knowing where this subject was going.

"Oh what a shame. But really I know this guy that would be amazing for you Bella. He's really artsy and smart. I think you-"

"No I wouldn't." I cut her off quick and sharp.

"Bella you should give him-"

"No," I said staring at her coldly. She looked at me with wide eyes and nodded. "Okay, I was-"

"I know but I'm not ready yet. I'm sorry," I said and took a deep breath as I continued to cut the peppers.

"Hey girlies!" Rosalie squealed as she ran into the kitchen. Alice and I both looked up.

She sat at the table next to Alice while I stood by the island and placed my knife down as I looked her. She wore a huge grin and her face was glowing.

"What's up?" Alice asked as she handed her the lettuce and started on tomatoes.

"Oh nothing," she sighed and held out her hand for the lettuce. The light reflected off of something on her hand and I heard Alice gasp!

"No freaking way!" she squealed and grabbed Rosalie's hand. I walked over to see an engagement ring shining brightly on her third finger.

"He proposed!" Rose sang along with Alice.

"Oh my god, welcome to the family," she said and held out her arms and Rosalie gladly went into them. "It's about time my stupid brother popped the question," she said hugging Rosalie tightly.

I stood still in a daze. Emmett had proposed. Rosalie would be more of a Cullen than I would. She was part of the family.

"Bella you've been so quite! What do you think?" Rose asked with a wide grin and hopeful violet eyes. I stood staring at her with wide eyes.

"I think…I think I need a drink," I said and rushed to the cabinet.

The girls laughed.

"I was starting to think it would never happen. I mean with what happened, he was so…depressed," she said in a small whisper. I stopped halfway to the cabinet.

"You mean Edward's death?" I said and turned to face her. She looked down at her hands. Alice glared at me and I couldn't take anymore.

"Bella just because you act like life is over doesn't mean it applies to everyone else. Learn to move on," Alice snapped and my eyes started to tear. Not from sadness but from anger. I pursed my lips nodded and started to walk to the front door.

"Bella!" Rosalie called but I ignored her.

I made it to the front door before she grabbed my arm.

"Come on Bella, she didn't mean it. It's just…I gets tiring." she said softly and I nodded. "Well I would love to see her in my place. I would love to see everyone in my place and see how god damn well they handle it." I snarled and Rosalie sighed.

"We know Bella. It's been tough on all of us. Everyone's been dealing with it a different way. Alice hates thinking of him as dead and you just keep reminding her. It hurts her too. Edward and Alice connected. They were like twins; he never treated her like the younger sibling. Not like Emmett did," she whispered. I nodded.

"I know. Look Rosie I'm happy for you really. It's about time, but I just want to get home," I said and she looked at me with pleading eyes. I looked away and pulled my arm free. Then I closed the door softly behind.

I didn't go straight home.

I couldn't. Instead I drove to a near by park and got out of the car and started to walk around.

It was cold and with every breath a puff a smoke formed in front of me before the wind stole it away.

I walked alone with memories. I could hear the quite crunch under my feet and slowly snow started to fall. It landed on my coat and melted away. It stuck to my hair and turned into icy water on my cheeks mending well with the tears that joined them.

.

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"So you and Edward, huh?" Rosalie asks me as she takes a seat across from me. I look from my book and smile at her.

"What are you talking about?" I say and fold a corner in my book to hold my place as I set it on my lap and she leans forward resting her elbows on the lunch table.

"Are you dating Edward?" she asks with a raise of her golden eyebrows. I laugh and shake my head.

"I went out with him two times. It doesn't necessarily mean we're dating," I tell her my cheeks getting pink.

"Right. But I mean you guys have been seeing each other much longer right? Do you ever see the way he looks at you?" she asks and I stare at her confused.

"Yeah, I mean he helped me with some stuff and we tutor Kristy together but what are you talking about? He doesn't look at me any different than he would you" I say.

"Well have you ever seen him look at you? He looks at you with so much…love and devotion. He's head over heels for you," she says and I almost spit out the juice I had drank. I cough and look at her. Was she crazy?

"Are you crazy?! He does not!" I shout and she rolls her dark eyes.

"He does. He barely takes his eyes off of you. When he looks at you…I mean it gives me shivers. I wish someone would look at me like that" she sighs and her eyes start to glaze and I roll my eyes at her.

"Please every guy in the school looks at you like that." I say to her and she shakes her head letting her pretty blonde curls spring in front of her.

"No that is a look of lust not love. I want love." She grumbles and pouts her pretty pink lips. I laugh at her silliness.

"You're absurd. Edward doesn't look at me like that, beside you know how I feel about love," I say to her my eyes glancing at the book in my lap.

Rosalie is my friend. She has been since eighth grade. I have told her everything. She is like my journal. She tells me everything in return and we have a strong friendship. The kind that people almost never find.

"I know, I know. But seriously Bella would it be so bad to have someone really like you? Love you even?" she asks and I sigh and look up at her. She just doesn't understand.

"People don't find love like in the stories. They don't find this kind of love," I say and hold up the book I am reading and she sighs.

"Love isn't what it's made up to be. It can tear people up inside and hurt them. It can change them it can play with them and kill them at times. Love is something I don't want," I say to her and she sighs again.

"Not everyone is like your mother Bella. Not everyone will leave," she says staring out into space frustrated with me, but she wasn't there. She didn't see the way my mother tore my father apart. I saw my father cry for the first time in my life.

"You don't know that!" I say to her and she just rolls her eyes.

"Well at least introduce me to his brother," she says and gently nudges my shoulder and I laugh. "Emmett Cullen? Really?" I ask and she gets a dreamy look on her face.

"He's so cute. I watch him play football. Well of course I do I'm a cheerleader but really he's amazing. He's funny and cute and smart, well sorta. And he's not a big jerk or bully either," she says with giggles. I smile at her. Rosalie is a good person she deserves someone who would love her. Who wouldn't break her heart.

I laugh and shake my head as I rise from the table.

"Rose, have some self-esteem. He would go for you in a minute," I say and she giggles again.

I pick up my book and start to walk away before she calls me.

"Bella,"

I turn to look at her.

"Try paying attention to his eyes a little more and you'll see what I mean," she says and I frown at her. She laughs and I walk to my next class.

.

"I think you got it," he says with a smirk and the blood rushes to my face. I try to look in his eyes and try to see what Rosalie does but I can't. Every time I stare into them I get a tingling everywhere and it makes me want to look away.

I cannot fall for Edward Cullen! It isn't possible, but as the days go by I find it harder and harder. Still I won't fall for him.

Three weeks ago Edward was a stranger but now he is a friend. He took me out and taught me how to dance after thousands of times of stepping on his feet but he hasn't asked for a third date.

I am glad and yet a bit disappointed. I want Edward to ask me out again. I enjoy being with him, but I don't want to fall for him and I don't want him to fall for me. Maybe he realizes we are better left off as friends. Maybe he finally sees that I am nothing special.

We have been tutoring Kristy together for two weeks and he's been coming to my house after school to help me with my Spanish. He is much better than me and I love having him as a tutor. He makes it fun.

"So you hungry?" I ask and he smiles. "A little," he says and I laugh and get off the floor and he follows.

"Well what do you want to eat?" I ask him and he stares at me for a minute before answering. "Let's bake something?" he says and I stare at him confused.

"Why?"

"I want to see you cook a Pastel," he says and I laugh.

"Ayuda mi?" I ask him in an accented Spanish. He laughs a bit and I blush, it maybe it accented but it sounded good to me.

"Si," he replies back and I smile. Our conversation may have sounded childish but I am finally getting the hang of it. Spanish is really the hardest language to learn. I want to make the cake from scratch but I don't have enough ingredients. So instead I take out the cake mix and began to pour it in the bowl.

He takes out the milk and we work in silence for a while.

"Stop it," I scold in a mocking way while he smiles. He licks the batter off of his finger and jumps on the counter.

"You sound like my mother," he teases and I look at him sternly.

"Well stop acting like a child," I tease back and he laughs. "Fine but I get to like the spoon," he says with a twinkle in his eyes and my throat clogs. It doesn't matter how he looks at me, I remind myself, and he doesn't feel any different about me than I do about him.

I swallow hard and hand Edward the pan.

"Here butter it," I say and he looks at me with raised eyebrow.

"Why don't you spray it?" he asks.

"I don't like to spray it, now butter it," I say.

"Why? Spraying it is easier!" he tells me and I sigh.

"I don't have the spray so butter it," I tell him again.

"But it's messy," he complains and I sigh and give him the bowl.

"Fine, finish mixing this and don't eat it," I say and go to the fridge to take out the butter. He sighs and places the bowl on the counter next to him as he jumps off of it and comes to my side.

"No you go mix and I'll butter the pan," he says and I smile.

Edward doesn't complain anymore as he starts to butter the pan. He wears a look of disgust on his face but he doesn't utter a word. I start to laugh as I pour the batter into the pan and he tries to wash the butter from his fingers.

"It won't come off," he says and I laugh harder.

"Use soap," I say and he mutters under his breath.

"Can you put the milk away," I ask while I place the cake in the oven. "Sure," he says with a bit of sarcasm. I shake my head a close the oven door. I turn around just as Edward drops the milk and it splatters over the floor.

"Edward?!" I shriek. I wasn't really angry more frustrated.

"My hands were slippery," he says and I take a step foreword to get the gallon that is now empty. It wasn't really my fault but as I take the step my foot starts to slip and I fall foreword. Edward reaches out but he can't hold me up either and we end up falling just like we did with the ice.

This time I hit the floor first and Edward lands on my side. I couldn't help it. My back is soaked with milk and my shirt is starting to get sticky but I can't help but laugh. It wasn't long before Edward joined me and we laughed together.

He lifts himself with one arm and hovers over me as he brushes a strand of hair away from my face with a smile on his face. His eyes glittering and it was then that I saw what Rosalie was talking about. His eyes are shining like bright emeralds as he glances down at me.

Suddenly all the time we have spent together rushes in my head. The first date when he takes me dancing. The tutoring sessions with Kristy, the tutoring sessions with me, the second date in the city, the small talks we had, the late night conversations on the computer, the jokes and the teasing in school. The sneaky looks he would pass at me.

His eyes bore into mine and I see every little thing he is feeling.

As though he is reading my mind, he says the words I fear out loud.

"I love you Bella," he whispers and lowers his eyes as if afraid to face me. I take in a sharp breath and he looks up to meet my eyes. I can't love him. I can't be hurt. I can't depend on one person and give them the ability to break my heart, to upset my world, with only a few words.

I can't have him love me. I can't hurt him either.

There is silence and I realize that he is waiting for me to say something, but I don't know what to say. I can't tell him I love him because I don't know if I do or more that I don't want to. If I avoid the subject maybe he will realize we are better off as friends and he really doesn't want me.

"I—Edward, I can't—" I don't get to finish the sentence because he crashes his lips to mine. My lips, my face, my fingers and every part of me lights on fire. Having never kissed a boy before I wasn't sure what I expected, but this was something I had only read in stories. I never thought it really happened. My fingers tie themselves in his soft silky hair and I could feel his lips move mine. I was stunned for only a second before I start to respond back.

I could feel his hand on my hip. He doesn't move it but it alights me again. His mouth is sweet on mine. He urges my mouth open and soon I am consumed by him.

He is everything I see, everything I feel.

After what seemed like a moment and forever he pulls back and we both breathe heavily. I stare into his eyes and see that nothing has changed. He still is looking at me like … like… like I hold his heart, like he loves me. Which he does, he just told me he does. My hands start to shake, because I now have control over his world. If what he told me is true, then I can hurt him as much as mother hurt my father.

I don't want to hurt him. My eyes start to fill with tears. Edward is too good to hurt.

"What's wrong?" he whispers.

"I wish you didn't love me," I say softly and he surprises me by laughing.

"It's a bit too late," he says and kisses my cheek softly.

"I think we should clean this up," he says and he starts to lift himself from the sticky floor which I now realize I am still laying in a puddle of milk.

He helps me get to my feet and my hair is dripping the white liquid. The heat rushes to my face on instinct and he laughs.

He holds my hands and looks at me for a minute before he smiles and holds me by the waist.

"I really do love you, Bella. It's not a joke," he says in an even more serious tone.

"I know, that's what I'm afraid of," I say as I nod.

He lifts my chin and places a second kiss on my lips.

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.

.

I was right to be afraid of love.

I sat down on a bench watching the snowflakes fall. They were heavier clumps now and coming down faster then before. The sky was a clear blue grey and the snow rested on naked tree branches coating them with a thick white robe.

The snow played on the ground and covered the barren ground and asphalt walk way. They looked like feathers floating softly. They landed on my hair sticking and not melting away.

I hugged myself. It was cold but I was more cold inside than out. I missed him so much and sometimes I wish I cold wake up and just hold him for a few minutes. I wish he wasn't gone. I wish he was still here.

Tears started to pour down my face and leave cold wet trails down my flushed cheeks.

"Sometimes I wish you didn't love me," I heard him whisper and a sob escaped my chest.

"It's a bit too late," I said a puff of white following every word.

For the first time I could ever remember I got up and walked away from him. My head looking down at my feet and my arms around my body.

"Bella."

I stopped for a minute raising my head. I swallowed hard and forced my self to keep my feet moving and to ignore the voice that would always make my knees week.

It was the first time I was ever able to do that.

I just want to say I am so so so sorry guys! I know that I haven't updated in a while but I have a very nice explanation. Okay first my computer was working badly. like I had half the chapter written and then the internet shut down. Then the computer stopped working. Then I left for a sleep over and when I came back I had a different computer, so all my files were gone! This meant I had to rewrite this chapter. Then I started school and that got harder to do! But I have finally finished it and now I have to go study for a history test tomorrow so. Review, PLEASE!!!

PS. Some of you may have noticed I took down a story, Love Forbid. I have taken that story down for personal reasons. I wish to make that my story my own after changing the characters and the plot a bit and I didn't want it on the internet. Anyway, I am sorry for the fans of the story but I hope you understand, and if you never read this story then this message will make no sense to you! :D!

Anyway don't forget to click the button and review!

Truly Twilightholic-Tanya