5.

I sat on the small bench softly pressing the keys. I savored the smooth ivory underneath my fingertips and sighed.

It had been a while since I actually sit in this seat and even dared to play. I didn't know much. Just a few tones and little songs. I could play happy birthday the best.

Slowly I moved my fingers over the keys and opened his book. It was filled with his songs. His neat writing making magical waves of music across the page. The corners were filled with tiny notes. I had bought him the book for his birthday. A place where he could keep all of his music and it wouldn't get lost. He didn't actually need it. He memorized all his songs.

But he used it when trying to write a new one.

The pages where a bit folded and tired. I flipped until I found the page I wanted and opened it. It was his favorite piece and the way he played it would have you hypnotized. His fingers flew across keys with such grace, it was breathtaking. The only reason he wrote it down was for me. He had tried countless times to get me to play it.

I didn't even dare try to play it, now. I had one memory of the last time he played it and I wouldn't taint the music by messing it up. I just stared at the notes across the page. Memorizing them.

"It's not hard," he whispered his breath fanning across my warm cheek.

"Is so," I whispered back and he laughed.

"Do you know why this has always been my favorite?" he asked and I felt his fingers on mine. He pressed down and my finger hit a key filling the small room with a note, breaking the eerie quiet.

"No," I answered keeping my eyes closed as he pressed another one of my fingers. It was quiet as he led my fingers to the right keys and before I knew it I could hear the first few bars of the song. It filled the room. Quiet and gentle and so very beautiful.

My heart swelled and my eyes filled with tears.

"It was the first time you told me, you loved me," he said and I sighed as I took my fingers away from the piano, stopping the song suddenly. I flipped one leg over and straddled the bench as I turned away from him. The room seemed to have a heavy silence in the air.

I hugged myself tight and sighed.

"You always knew I loved you," I said and felt his head on my shoulder as his hands circled around me. "I still loved to hear you say it," he said and I felt a small shudder rip through me. "I do love you," I whispered and felt a small kiss on my neck.

He sighed and pressed my back to his chest as he buried his face in my hair.

"Bella," he sighed and I felt tears roll down my cheeks.

"Bella can you help me with the tree?" Alice asked from the other room and I took a deep breath and wiped the tears away from my flushed cheeks as I stood and left the room.

.

.

.

In the past two weeks, Edward has not stopped to make everyone know he's mine.

He holds my hand as he walks me to class, he sits with me at the lunch room and we spend the entire period talking about everything, from classes to teachers to family to friends.

He picks me up and drops me off. He comes in everyday after school and he helps with me with my homework. He takes me to the theaters and he calls me every night. We spend an hour talking and when Charlie or Esme yells at us to get off. We stay up half the night on the computer.

He helps with my spainish and I am actually getting a B. I constantly flood Edward with questions like, what's this in spanish, what's that in spanish, how do you say this. He laughs at my curosity but told me.

He tells me he loves me constantly and even though I don't say it back he accepts that. He claims he doesn't care but I could tell every time he tells me he wants to hear it back.

The only problem is, I don't know if I do. I don't know what love is.

I'm still not sure if love exists. I want to believe Edward every time he tells me, that he loves me, but I can't be sure he really does. How could I know if he loves me, if I myself don't know what love is?

How am I suppose to tell him I love him, when I wouldn't know if it was true or not?

I've been to Edward's house more times than I can count. It is huge and airy and I always feel at home in it. I've met Emmett and Alice. I've met Esme and Carlisle and I know I could never meet any person sweeter then they are.

Edward pulls into the driveway and I give him a curios look. "Is Esme home?" I ask as I unclick my seat belt. I hadn't seen her in days.

"No, but I wanted to show you something," he says and opened my door. He helps me out and holds my hand. "What?" I ask. He looks over his shoulder and smiles.

"C'mon I want to show you something," he says to me as he pulls me into his house.

"What?" I say again as he pulls me into a room. It's wide and open and the walls are replaced with huge windows letting the light shine all around. In the middle of the room stands a grand piano. I've been in this room as many times as I have come to Edward's house.

"Are you…," I let it trail off. Edward had been resisting to play the piano for me. I know he can play it because the only reason the Cullen's owns it is foe him.

Every time I ask Edward, he tells me to wait. The piano had always been my favorite type of music. The soft and sweet tones that came from it could lift my heart any day.

He takes my hand and we walk slowly to the bench. He sits and forces me to sit next to him. I am stunned. I have been wanting to hear him play forever.

"Is it the right time now?" I ask and he smiles as he places his fingers over the white ivory.

"I want you to listen to this," he whispers and starts to move his fingers, filling the room with soft tune of music.

It's a lullaby.

The music is soft and slow, but steadily starts to grow, faster and higher. It swirls and goes on.

I sit stunned as it continues to drift along and I watch as his fingers swiftly move across the keys and then take slower steps. The song has a note of sadness to it, but it's filled with joy and happiness too. A complexity of emotions seem to run through the song and my heart swells.

"It's for you," he says and my eyes grow wide as I listen even more closely.

My eyes start to tear and I have to look away from him. I close my eyes and just listen to the soft melody.

I can almost hear all the time we spent together. I can see everything that we have ever done, all the talks, all the jokes, all the touches, all the kisses, all the silly wonderful movements. All the times of saying "I love you." All the times of just being us, just being together. It is all woven into the pattern of the lullaby. Swirling and linking together to make one amazing song.

It starts to grow higher and when it seems to grow on, it reaches its climax and suddenly falls into a lower softer tone, it pauses and then the softer tones fill the room as it comes to an end.

I open my eyes which are full of tears. I stare at the white ivory keys and look at him. He is staring at me with a twinkle in his eyes.

"Do you like it?" he asks and I take a deep breath.

"I love it, I lo—" but I stop myself short. I stare at my hands and take a deeper breath. Because honestly there was no denying it now.

I look right into his emerald eyes and say it.

"I love you," I whisper and it suddenly feels like an understatement. What I thought was too strong a phase to say to a person other than family is now not enough. How ironic?

"I know," he simply says and I laugh. I laugh because even when I couldn't figure it out he could, I laugh because it feels good to just get it out there, it feels good to be in love.

I take his face in my hands and kiss him. Showing him just how much I do love him. And maybe this isn't really love and maybe it's just some sort of phrase, but right now all I can feel for him is love and it doesn't feel like it's ever going away.

It feels strong and it frightens me, but I love the feeling. I love him and somehow I just know he feels the same way.

So I stop all thought and just kiss him. I feel his lips move against mine and I respond just as he does and we mimic each other's movements. A fire spreads through out my body, filling my lungs and burning my lips.

He pulls away with heavy breath and I blush.

Then he starts to laugh and I join in.

"Play it again," I say and he smiles as he positions his fingers and begins the slow melody, the complexity of emotion and love.

.

.

.

"Merry Christmas, Bella!" Esme sang as she hugged me tightly. For such a small women, she had strength. Alice was just like her.

"Oh, Merry Christmas," I said making sure to hold on to her. She felt so soft and warm and you could feel the love coming off her in waves. I loved feeling like this.

"Oh, come in darling, hurry," Esme said as she hustled me inside and out of the cold. I took a deep breath and could smell the lovely roast of ham and the sweetness of the pumpkin pie. I could hear the music playing from somewhere in the house and I could hear all the loud chatter.

My chest felt tight. This was our first Christmas with out him. Thanksgiving was worse. No one talked no one said anything. We sat and ate quietly all that was heard was the clinking of silverware on Esme holiday china.

This was his favorite holiday.

I glanced around the living room to see the tree brightly decorated and beautiful. The fireplace hung stockings and wreath hung above it. The stair case was intricate with white lights. The inside was beautiful but it was sad. Presents stood underneath the tree in different color wrapping paper.

"You out did yourself as always," I said and she laughed.

"Well you helped," she said and I shrugged.

"Only with the tree," I retorted.

I smiled at her but I could see her eyes were pale and dull. There was no light and I knew she was just as hollow as I was. She did a better job at keeping up and living her life. She couldn't stop everything in the middle despite her pain.

I felt ashamed.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered and she hugged me again.

"Oh, Bella," she said and I buried my face in her shoulder holding back the tears that threatened to fall over.

"Hey Ma," Emmett called from the kitchen and we broke apart our embrace.

"Coming," she called back and turned toward me.

She patted my cheek lightly and sighed. "No one blames you Bella. Don't hurt yourself even more," she breathed and walked away. I went to the tree and put my gifts under it. I smiled at the pictures on the mantle.

One of Alice, with her two front teeth missing and holding two dollars and another of Emmett holding a football and smiling like a fool. The other was of Edward and I.

It was when he was still a junior and I was still a sophomore. We were standing in front of snow covered trees, probably his backyard I didn't remember. He held me by my waist and my head was ducked underneath his chin. He smiled and his eyes were the brightest shade of green.

"Esme has a theme to her mantle pictures," a deep voice said behind me and I jumped. I hadn't realized that the frame had made its way into my hand. I quickly placed it back and turned around.

Carlisle was standing behind me looking at the photo of Emmett.

"Alice had lost her teeth and instead of being scared she was enthusiastic, Emmett had won his first football game, and Edward was with you," he said smiling at the picture.

"What's the theme?" I asked and he faced me.

"When the kids were at there happiest," he said and I felt more tears well up at my eyes.

I stared at the picture of Edward and me. The way his eyes glittered and how his face just glowed. Then I looked at me. Half my face hidden because it was buried in his chest.

My cheeks warm and my eyes lifted and bright. A wonderful smile playing at my lips.

We were always happier together.

Christmas dinner was better than what I have expected. It was full of chatter of the plans for Rosie's wedding. What types of flowers, what colors, what designs, all of it.

After dinner was time for opening presents. Everyone took a seat near the tree and Alice passed them out to everyone.

The paper was ripped and the room was filled with gasps and laughs and I tried to join along, but I couldn't. We thanked each other and pretty soon everyone was leaving.

"Be careful on your way home, Bella," Esme said and hugged me.

"I will. Merry Christmas," I said and walked to my car presents in hand.

I drove myself home in a dull state. I saw lights flash by and I was aware that Christmas music was playing in the car.

It didn't take long to get home and when I did I went straight to my bedroom. I threw my presents on the bed and just let the tears fall. Why wasn't here! Why did he leave me! He loved me god dammit he wasn't suppose to go.

That wasn't how it worked.

Anger and depression filling me I stormed into the living room, fully intending to get rid of every memory of him, no matter what it was but I was stopped short.

Underneath the small tree I had put up for him was a small silver square. I swallowed hard and all my intentions were gone. The tears stopped and I slowly walked toward the tree. I bent down lower and picked it up.

To Bella,
With all my love, Edward

My breath had disappeared completely and my throat had gone dry. I knew Alice had to have put it here, but when…why would she do this. It was cruel. How had I gotten this from him? My head raced with questions but I couldn't make myself care enough to think about them.

Slowly I unwrapped what would be the last gift I ever received from him and stared at it.

It was a see through plain CD case. Inside was a plain CD. My hands started to shake as I opened it and grabbed the CD. I stood up and walked to the small stereo system I had. I placed the CD on and braced myself. I wasn't sure if I would hear maybe his voice, maybe just a bunch of our favorite songs, maybe...

With all the strength I had. I pressed play.

The room was quiet for about three seconds before my lullaby began to play. I gasped and a sob escaped my throat. My chest felt too tight and then I was on the couch. I hugged my knees and tried to hold myself together as the sobs shook me and the tears spilled free.

I hadn't heard this in six months. I didn't think I ever could.

"How could you?" I cried my voice horse from the tears.

"Bella," his voice was in my ear and my throat felt clogged and I couldn't breath. My shoulders shook hard and I thought my chest would break apart. Why wouldn't it? I leaned into the cushions and I could feel his fingers in my hair.

"Why?" I sobbed.

"I had no choice," he whispered and I shook my head.

"You did have a choice," I argued and heard his sigh. He didn't argue but he didn't leave. I could still feel him around me. That's what I needed. I needed him to just let me be angry at him, let me be depressed, let me cry, but I needed more and he couldn't give it to me. I needed him to be here, I needed him to sush me and kiss me and love me and he did none of that.

The tears and the pain didn't stop. My shoulders shook and the song continued to play.

No matter what though, the song still held the joy and love that it always had only now for the very first time since I could remember.

I didn't enjoy it.

So sad, but despite the storyline it has a happy ending. And it's my kind of happy ending.

Anyway I was a bit distracted with school and family drama and crap so I'm sorry for the late update.

please review! it makes me feel better!

Truly Twilightholic-Tanya