He's not really all that sure how he makes it home or through the tornado of well meaning mourners, in his Fort Bragg home for the reception. He's just kind of numb floating along dying to be alone with his grief. He can't distract himself by reading Emmie her letter. She had cried herself out and fallen asleep on his chest her face nuzzled into neck in the car. He'd laid her down in their bedroom and went on half hearing the condolences he kept accepting.
He was helping clean the kitchen after everyone left.
"Kurt why don't you go shower and relax sweetheart." Carole told him.
"I think I will I'm going to go check in on Emmie first."
"Az, is keeping her company she's fine man." Finn tells him wolfing down a plate of food. He can't even think of eating now. He ignores Finn's comment. He cracks opens the bedroom door and sees Azimio sitting in the chaise lounge at the end of the bed, reading the sports section. The door creaks and he looks up.
"I just thought she shouldn't be alone." he states. "She's all that's left of my best friend." The quiet way he says it reminds Kurt he's not the only one in pain. He nods his assent. Looking over at Emmie he's stunned at what he sees she's laying on her stomach knees drawn up beneath her using Dave's old letterman jacket as a blanket.
"Where'd she get that?"
"Oh Dave's Mama thought she'd like to have it." Kurt tries to hide the irritation on his face. "I tried to tell her not to sleep with it smells like mothballs and all but…" Azimio stops mid sentence when he sees the hurt on Kurt's face. "She does the best she can man…"
"They didn't come to their own child's funeral Azimio." his anger is palpable as he laughs dryly. "I didn't think I'd ever say this Az but I wished the rest of the world was as accepting as you." He finds himself fighting a snicker as he thinks of Azimio's haphazard introduction to Dave's sexual prefernce when he'd walked in on them in a private moment their sophomore year of college.
"That was not funny. Stop it I can feel you laughing."
"Oh come on now it wasn't so bad."
"Can it flamer…" the insult held no sting.
"Love you too Azzie…"
"Yeah Yeah… I'll come get you if she needs you."
-/-/-/-
He undresses in his meticulous way bare feet sinking down in the lush bath rug. He still half expects Dave to pop his head in teasingly to say not even rain man folds his K-mart underwear before tossing them in the wash. He's standing under the steaming water washing when the strangest memory hits him.
They are stepping out of the shower and Kurt ducks his head back in. Dave is in the midst of brushing his teeth when he notices.
"What ya doin fancy?"
"Pushing the button for the shower cleaner."
Dave pauses a perplexed look on his face. "You mean its not a soap dispenser?"
Kurt laughs. "Oh no please tell me you didn't."
"I thought it was a little strong no wonder I itched all day…" Kurt laughs so hard. His eyes are watering.
"Shut up before you wake the Em…" and he's laughing now too loudly hoping no one hears him over the water he stumbles back and sits on the shower ledge and just like that the laughter turns to sobs as he realizes he will never again be able to laugh at Dave's air head tendencies or even have the luxury of brushing his teeth next to him again. With the old rhythm of brush while he spits and vice versa. Its ridiculous how sad it makes him. The sobs rack his whole body and he can't stop shaking.
By the time he's tearless, at least for the next five minutes anyway the water is cold soap partially drying to his skin. He knows he'll itch later and have to apply a bucket full of moisturizer later but he's to tired to care.
Clean, He steps out of the shower dressing in old frayed gray sweats and Dave's favorite Bengalis jersey. Opening the door he sees Rachel on the other side.
"Buggy boo is up. You're Dad's trying to get her to eat something. We thought it might help if you ate too set a good example."
"The only thing I can get her to eat since…is Jell-O and PB and J sandwiches, so I'll give it a try."
He wonders into the living room to find Emily sitting on the couch in his father's lap eating a plate of lasagna. he knows he should get on to her for eating on the couch but has no desire to instead he just says. "Don't let that become a habit Em." and goes to fix himself a plate.
He nibbles half heartedly on lasagna. Rachel tries to draw him into conversation about the latest play they'd seen.
If you'd told him in high school that his biggest rival would become his best friend he'd of laughed you all the way out of Lima. Though, that was what Rachel was even to the point that she'd been the surrogate for Emily.
He was still friends with Mercedes though not as close as life had lead them in different directions. Her to Spellman University in Atlanta and then to Harvard medical school and him to NYU and later to a tiny town just outside Fort Bragg where he teaches history to sixth graders. And surprisingly he likes it.
Mercedes had been accepting of his relationship with Dave but she'd never really gotten or his need to follow Dave to his dreams. Rachel was such a hopeless romantic that their early closeted relationship seemed clandestine and sweet and when Dave finally came out Sophomore year of college she practically began planning their wedding.
He rolls his eyes toward her. "We should take Em to see the color purple when it comes to Chicago." She tells him.
"Yes we should! She'll love it and it'll do me some good to get out. I can't believe I'm moving back to Lima…ugh, just…"
"It'll be ok Kurt just hang in…" His father put in. just hanging in seems to hard .
Carole walked in wiping her hands on a dish towel. Seeing the way Kurt's dressed she sighs. "Don't do that sweetheart, wear his things it'll only make things more difficult…"
"Afraid I'll cry once his smell is gone?" he not to sound as irritated as he is.
" Yes, trust me I've been there." He doesn't really have a come back for that, so he stays silent.
-/-/-/-
Emmie asks to sleep with him so he lets her despite where he might end up being kneed at some point in the night. She cuddles against him in her neon pink footie pajamas smelling of her cotton candy body wash.
"Okay baby ready to read your letter?" Kurt tries to be cheerful as he tucks the covers around them. She nods.
He takes a deep breath and opens the letter Dave's boxy handwriting greeting him.
"Hey Princess if you are reading this letter or if your Papa is reading it to you…" Kurt let out a shallow breath. "It means I broke my promise and didn't come home. I never meant to lie too you baby sometimes life isn't fair no matter how good," Kurt's voice cracked as he tried to hold back his tears. " You are, you did nothing to cause or deserve this accidents just happen. I know you are mad at me and that's okay, when you're older I hope you understand the choices I made."
"How does he know I'm mad I didn't tell nobody. Does heaven make you phycic?"
Despite the tears rolling down his cheeks Kurt laughs, "No I think he just knows his girl, it's the Karofsky in you."
Kurt starts reading again. "There are a few things I need you to know Emily mostly because I didn't always know them myself. You are the best thing about my life and I am so very blessed to have you as my daughter. I want you to always be exactly who you are and do whatever makes you happy in life. The people who matter will back you up and the ones who don't well, they aren't worth the time it takes to be angry with them. Life is short and precious my sweet girl never forget that…" Kurt took another shuddery breath.
"I want you and Papa to be happy and when he's ready to move on know that its okay to like the new guy, I know you love me and always will don't worry about it hurting me alright. And if you are ever picked on for having a gay Daddy or something talk to Aunt Rachel she'll get it and be able to help you. last of all I'm always with you in your heart …when you need me if you are real quiet and still you can feel me and I'm always watching over you! I love you ! Remember its just bye bye for now love Daddy." Kurt looked down to see her tear streaked face snuggled into his side. He wiped her face and kissed her forehead. "So?" he asked stroking her dark hair.
"I don't like this dead daddy thing." she tells him.
"Me either baby girl, you all cuddled in?"
"Yep." Kurt folded the letter nestling it back in the envelope he sat it on the night stand, he switched off the lamp welcoming sleep because it meant he could ignore reality for least eight hours.
"Night sweet baby. Love you.'
"Night Papa, Love you back." she throws her right leg over his waist face cuddled into Dave's pillow he knows she'll end up on top of him come morning but its okay because it levels him out with normalcy and makes her feel safe.
"It's like sleepin' with damn spider monkey." he mutters, to himself and knows where ever Dave is he's laughing.
Tomorrow is a new day and he'll get through it simply because he has no other choice.