AN: I own nothing at all. Thanks so much for your continued support of 21 gun ladies and gents only one more chapter after this. Please do read & review lastly I hope you enjoy it.
They all settle around the sturdy kitchen table that is at odds with Kurt's flashy modern style, with its nicked wood and the old stain from Dave's shoe polish. Its messy and homey. Its who Kurt is now. Just like the crisp white couch Emmie's not allowed to eat or do anything other than sit on is a vestige of pre-married, pre-baby Kurt.
Alaina looks around a little sadly like she knew she'd interrupted something. Emmie leans over and grabs the last picture Kurt had been looking at.
"Can I have this?" Kurt smiles she has no way of knowing the symbolism the photograph keeps within its image. To her its just an old picture of her Daddy. To Kurt it tells of things he never told Dave, that day he'd so easily expressed his love like a million times before but that day he truly meant it because he'd decided love and contentment was more important than a open commitment.
"Sure baby, That's fine."
"Okay thanks Papa I'm gonna go to room to play. I don't want to hear how Daddy died." She grabbed the picture and scurried off. The simple no nonsense childish way she says it cuts him to the bone with honesty and reality.
He's gone. Their lives have changed permanently. No matter how keenly he feels it or how truly he knows it, It still shocks him anew everyday.
"Kurt." Alaina knocks him from his reverie looking at him with her head cocked chin resting in her palm.
He smiles at her. "You have the same I have no idea what you're talking about but I'm allowing you to continue because you're cute pose, as David."
She smiles back at him a little sadly herself. "And the Karofsky scowl has saved me from many a handsy fella."
"That shit's scary when directed at you." Kurt murmured.
"Alright stop deflecting Hummel, rip the band aid off and tell me."
"What do you want to know?"
"Two things, how are you holding up? And what happened to Dave?"
"I'm still at the point where every single breath tends to suck more than the last simply because he's not here and I know he won't ever be again. I'm not sure when or if that ever changes and I haven't the nerve to ask my Dad yet." Kurt wipes at the shoe polish stain just to have something to do.
"And Dave?"
"From what I understand he and the rest of his team were tracking a new hive of terrorists and being the best sniper on his team he'd taken down a few of the underlings, unbeknownst to me there was a price on David's head. A hefty one and the enemy collected."
"I kept hoping he was M.I.A. or that there was some mistake I didn't, I don't want to believe he's dead." Alaina twisted a Kleenex in her hands tears dripping down her pretty face. Kurt reached over stilling her hands by placing his over hers.
"I saw his body Alaina it's more real than is fair." she laid her head on the table and sobbed whole heartedly. Kurt leaned forward kissing the top of her head. Running the fingers of his free hand through her hair as he does when comforting Emmie. He's surprised to find himself dry eyed. Maybe you're given strength by whatever god it is he tries to believe in when its needed or maybe he just doesn't have those kinds of tears left.
"It's never going to be okay again." she mumbles into her arms.
"No probably not. We'll end up redefining what okay means for us Alaina."
Twenty minutes and several dirty tissues later,
"Why isn't he buried here?"
"Same reason you joined the peace corps, Lima stopped being his home. I did what he asked simple as that."
"So it wasn't about sticking it to my Dad the best way he knew how?"
Kurt smirked. "Dave wasn't that devious sweetheart. Why do they want to see Em?"
"Got me ask them." She shrugged.
"I'll meet them at the park Friday. I want to talk to Paul alone. Without Marina making excuses for him."
-/-/-/-
Kurt sat down on the park bench without looking at Paul Karofsky. He noticed Marina leaned on a silver sedan parked across the street as she stood watching Emmie and Alaina play.
Kurt could feel the intense waves of discomfort rolling off the man next to him. Kurt on the other hand felt nothing but disdain for the other man. He inhaled a breath preparing to speak.
"I'm here because I love…" Kurt cleared his throat "Loved Dave, not because I like you or respect you. I'm here because Dave's not here to give you redemption, forgiveness, whatever you want to call it. He'd of given it to you whether you deserved it or not. Because that's who he was, who he became you missed that all because you couldn't love him unconditionally. You get to live with that for the rest of your days I pity you."
He looked over at Emmie. As the other man sucked in a breath as though he'd been hit. He watches Emily hang upside down on the jungle gym. Alaina stands within arms reach to save her from falling.
"He was a good father, a great one. I'm sure not if that's in part because of you or in spite of you. It confuses me. Always has, to know that probably the most gentle soul I knew could become so completely consumed in rage, self hate and fear. He was walking oxymoron for a while." Paul picks at his cuticles nervously. Dave used to do that Kurt thinks longing to cry but he stuffs it down
Kurt took a breath. "I know you look at me with disgust. You think I ruined him. Dave would have been gay either way. I just held his head above the water when he got too tired to swim." Paul looks over. His brow furrowing.
"I don't-"
"Yes, you do." Kurt says slow and plain. He licks his lips before trudging on.
"It took him so long to gather his courage to tell you, and you called him an abomination. That he spit in the face of god by loving me for that I will never forgive you." Kurt is thinking back before he can help it. This is one memory he wished he didn't have.
Kurt receives a frantic phone call from Azimio saying Dave has locked himself in the bathroom and is crying.
When he rushes over ditching his fly by English class. He's surprised by how cool Azimio is being about the whole ordeal. They've been back together for almost two weeks now. Azimio walked in on them a few days ago and after he'd calmed down Dave explained that he was gay and in love with Kurt.
Azimio had laughed saying he suspected the gay part and if he loved Hummel that was fine by him just lock his door from now on. And that was the end of it.
Kurt knocked on the hunter green door of 2b where Dave, Azimio, and their other room mate Rob lived.
He waited as Azimio shuffled toward the door audibly.
It swung open to reveal Azimio in McKinley High tee shirt and jeans.
"Azimio."
"Hummel."
"Now what's the problem?"
"He locked himself in the bathroom after breakfast and hasn't come out he's been crying I listened at the door. So, I figured it had to do with you or the whole liking dick thing."
"Not everything has to do with that and must you be so crass?" Kurt sniffed sitting his messenger bag on the couch.
"Listen dude I've seen the guy cry like three times in my whole life, once when his grandma died, once when we lost the hockey championship in the eighth grade, and then when you left him, but he blamed it on allergies which was lame. Nobody is dead as far as I know and he doesn't play sports anymore so that leaves you and the whole gay thing." Azimio stands with his arms crossed over his chest.
"Stop calling it that!"
"Fine his sexuality is that better? I'm doin' the best I can here man just get him outta the fuckin' can ok?" he replied with an eye roll.
Kurt ignored his ramblings. He knocked on the bathroom door.
"David it's Kurt can you let me in?"
"Hi baby," they hear him sniffle and shift around. A smile tugs at the corner of Kurt's mouth at the term of endearment.
"Hey honey, let me in alright?" He tries gently
"No I don't want you to see me this way." He imagines Dave is shaking his head on the other side of the door.
"Okay then Azimio and I will sit here and wait til you're ready to talk or come out of that atrociously filthy lavatory." Kurt sank down to sit one leg drawn to his chest the other out straight as leaned against the door head tilted back.
"Az is still out there and he called you? Why?"
"Yeah man I'm here because I'm your bro that doesn't change I called Princess Mcskinny Jeans cuz you sounded like you needed your boyfriend." the ease with which he uses the word boyfriend makes Kurt smile. For the Princess Mcskinny Jeans remark Kurt gives him the finger. Azimio rolls his eyes from where he's leaned on the door frame opposite Kurt.
"You know that I love you right? And I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like there was something wrong with you Kurt." he's choking back sobs now and Kurt's a little alarmed. Azimio looks supremely uncomfortable and scared.
"What brought this on Dave? Talk to me."
"Answer the question. Do you know that I love you?"
"Yes, I know that and all of our issues have been dead and buried a long long time David. What's wrong?"
"Yeah man, you gotta tell us." Azimio added in.
"When I told you I came out to my parents I did but I let you believe it went better than it did."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't want to worry you."
"He called me an abomination, told me to get out of his house that he didn't want someone who spit in the face of god and blatantly disregarded his word by loving a man to ever darken his door again." he's sobbing again but Kurt hears the lock flick open and rushes in. Finding Dave crumpled in on himself in the floor leaning back on the tub.
"I know what it's like now and I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you were anything less than perfect Kurt." Kurt gathered him to his chest.
"We're fine you here me? No worries."
"It was awful my mother she cried and cried and I didn't know how to fix any of it."
"Shh, I've got you. It's all going to be okay or at the very least get better I promise you baby. It won't always feel this way." he kissed the top of his head. "I love you David."
"Sorry to interrupt you guys, but I just want you to know you ain't an abomination you're the best dude I know, fuck what you're Dad says I don't care who you screw you're my boy and I love you. Tell anyone I said I loved you I'll whip your ass."
Dave snorted. "As if you could."
"You snotted on my Armani." Kurt can't help being a little miffed his clothes are like his children. Any irritancy he feels melts away when Dave shoots him a watery crooked grin.
"Buy me some pizza and we'll call it even. Can we please get up off this floor before we catch Ebola Virus?" Kurt says fighting off the hebe gebes.
"So I guess shower sex is out?" Dave replies sardonically.
"Get a hazmat cleaning crew then I'll think about it." Kurt stands and pulls Dave to his feet.
"You two are like the odd couple but are actually gay." Azimio teased. Dave snickered in return.
Kurt shook his head to clear the memories.
"You will never know how hard he cried. I didn't think I'd ever get him up off the bathroom floor. He held it all in for a week too. That's how tough he was. Army or no." Kurt finally puts his hatred in its place enough to look over at the man. He's sitting tensely with his whole body seemingly drawn up. Body language saying to tread carefully but devilishly Kurt doesn't want to.
"You knew didn't you? You convinced him to join the army in final attempt to make David straight. How did you know? I've always wondered."
"Easter break his senior year, We went to the store to buy more eggs for Marina. You were in another aisle," He squinted as if trying to pull the details into sharper focus. "He stopped dead in his tracks and just stared at you. At first I thought it was your…attire, but then I saw his face and I knew he loved you and it terrified me,"
"How do you think he felt? I could tell you but it's a little late now isn't it." Kurt can't help but snap back.
"I grew up in a world where being gay was a sin and it made you weak. It made you a joke. A pariah."
"You can't catch gay you are or you're not its that simple." Kurt said dryly.
"Knowing that and believing it are two different things." Paul took a breath.
"I tried…really I…David's choices were wrong."
"I can't enlighten you anymore than Dave could. So I won't try. You and Marina want to know Emily, why?"
"Because she's part of him. We loved him. I loved him contrary to what you might think. Its just…I mourned the dreams I had for Dave and who I thought he was…" he tosses his hands up as if he has no words. Kurt has some left though.
"Those dreams you mourned he fulfilled them anyway." He looks over to find his daughter on the swings. Marina is inching closer as though she can't help herself. "Papa! See how high I am?"
"I see you sweet baby hang on tight." he calls back before picking up where he left off.
"Her name's Emily. I'm not a woman but I can assure you no one loved him more. He lived a full happy life that's the only thing that keeps me going. Knowing that makes it easier to say," he drew in a breath. "Goodbye."
He forces Paul to hold his gaze by leaning into his field of vision.
"And I'm positive he was more of a man than you'd ever thought. He did the job no else had the guts or the grace for. Its because of all that I forgive you for your stupidity and prejudice."
Kurt nods resolutely. "You want to see our daughter? You do it on my terms. You teach her one homophobic thing ever and its over. For good." Paul has the decency to look abashed as much as surprised.
"Don't ever try to replace Dave with her. It doesn't work that way your mistakes with Dave are over and done. She's not Dave,
Kurt smiles in spite of himself. "She's a lot like him. She has his temper and his brains, she can read and add."
"He liked teaching her." Kurt murmurs as though that bit was an afterthought.
"She can recite hockey stats like Rain man in a skirt. She's always getting dirty and scraping some body part bloody." Kurt says with warm pride and a little humor.
"She sees the blood and she'll cry like you're cutting off her arm…she's a drama queen, she likes to dance and have tea parties and she's boy crazy. She's Emmie not Dave. Please treat her accordingly." He draws a breath steeling himself to be the bigger person.
" You and Marina want to see her that's fine but we're going slow." Kurt picks lent off his jeans before looking over at Paul again.
" Also any pictures you might have cut me out of you might want to get reprinted. She'll want to know why Papa isn't in the pictures and unless you want to explain your disapproving nature to her it might need changing." Kurt says primly.
"Now if you'd like to meet your granddaughter come with me."
"Marina!" Kurt calls out. He's surprised when the woman rushes forward to hug him.
"Thank you." She says. "Dave loved you very much. Both of you. He would of wanted this." Kurt whispered back.
"Emily Belle don't you dare jump from that swing!" Kurt says as they separate.
"I wasn't gonna."
"Uh huh, well come down from there. I want you to meet some people."
"Okay." Alaina helped her from the swing. She stood dusting off her knock off L.A.M.B. Jeans. Then she looked from Dave's parents to Kurt and back again.
Kurt swallows shoring up his nerves "Emmie, these are Daddy's parents. Your other grandparents, they wanted to meet you and get to know you."
Her eyes are stuck on Marina. "Wow I look like you." the tiny woman looks so much like Dave it's uncanny. Marina exhales shakily. Voice tear thickened she says, "No Emily, you look just like your Daddy."
"That's what my Papa says."
She looks to Kurt then. "Is this okay with Daddy? He always said he and his parents disagreed a lot and that's why they didn't come around, and disagree means fight. Right?"
"Yes, it does in a way Em but-"
Paul squats down to her level. "Emmie, may I call you Emmie?
"Sure did you know my Daddy named me Emily because Papa wanted to name me Bronte` but Daddy said people would pick on me til I graduated so they compromised and Belle cause Beauty and The Beast was my Aunt Rachel's favorite movie while I was in her belly."
"Well no I didn't. Learn something new everyday. Anyway I- we I guess, made our fair share of mistakes with your Daddy but we'd like to change things and be different with you."
"Okay, fair nuff."
"Enough baby. Fair enough." Kurt corrected.
"Whatever." she huffed "Can we get ice cream now? You promised."
"Yep, lead the way my darling."
She turned to Marina grabbing her hand. "What do I call you? What kind of ice cream do you like? I like chocolate. Oh and thank you for sending me Daddy's jacket I sleep with it lots."
"Well you're a quarter Greek and a quarter Russian so how about Yaya and Pappoo. I like butter pecan ice cream and you are very welcome. Anyone ever tell you that you talk a lot baby girl?"
"All the time. I get from my Papa." She tugged Marina toward the Ice Cream Shoppe, around the corner.
"You look like a Yaya so it works."
"I agree."
"Well Mr. Karofsky it looks like your stuck with me a bit longer, because let me tell you I'm not sure whose going to be harder to pry away Marina or my Em." he said as they trailed behind the three ladies. Alaina having taken Emily's other hand.
"I can handle it if it means seeing them smile I suppose." Kurt nodded he understood that much at least. "They do make quite the picture." Kurt answered.
"I hope I made you proud today, My love." Kurt thinks sending his thoughts heavenward to Dave.