Author: LadyFromPoland

Disclaimer: I don't own "Merlin". It is a TV show which belongs to BBC.

Warning: SLASH

English is not my mother language.

Engagement of an idiot

Chapter 6

"Selflessness"

Merlin couldn't stop thinking about Morgana's words. He went for a walk with Rowena and watched her carefully, wondering what was wrong with her. He couldn't understand how such woman like her could change the fate of whole Camelot. It didn't make any sense.

Nonetheless, Merlin didn't feel comfortable. There was something very wrong and confusing about the vision, his marriage and future of Albion.

"You look concerned, Merlin," Rowena said softly. "Has something happened?"

The warlock made himself smile at his fiancée. "That's nothing, my dear," he assured her.

"If it was nothing than you wouldn't behave this way," she pointed out. "You can tell me everything. After all, I'm going to be your wife soon."

"I know," Merlin agreed. "It's about Arthur but it's nothing serious," he assured her quickly.

"You are always so worried about our king," Rowena said. "You seem to be good friends."

"Yes, we are." Merlin sighed inwardly. He didn't know what to say to make Rowena drop the subject. Talking about Arthur wasn't a good idea. His fiancée often asked him confusing questions about his influence on the king and their friendship. Such conversations were simply awkward.

"Did something happen during your trip yesterday?" Rowena asked suddenly. "You hardly mentioned it and you're usually such a chatterbox."

"Nothing happened then," Merlin lied. "It was just a pleasant trip."

"Didn't he try to convince you to do something?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" The sorcerer frowned lightly.

"You know... he doesn't seem to like the idea of you marrying me," she said. "It's quite obvious. I think he's a bit possessive."

"Perhaps," Merlin admitted after a while. "However he didn't try to change my mind. I think that he accepted the fact that I'm going to marry you."

"You need to stay close to him after our marriage," Rowena said firmly. "I mean... I don't want him to think that I stole you from him," she added gentler.

"It's my responsibility to help him. I need to keep an eye on what he's doing." Merlin had so many more arguments for staying by Arthur's side but his future wife wasn't supposed to hear them.

"That's good," she said smiling. "I'm going to support your friendship. I won't be one of those possessive wives," she told him.

Merlin looked away from Rowena. Her words were kind but he couldn't help thinking that there was something hidden in her tone. He didn't wish to ever find out what this something was.

oOoOo

"You wanted to talk to me," Merlin said, entering Arthur's chamber. As usual, he didn't even bother to knock.

The king glanced at him and pointed at an armchair, encouraging his friend to take a seat.

"Is something wrong?" the warlock asked worryingly, sitting down. "I had to end the lesson with young wizards and witches earlier. I thought that something bad happened."

"I didn't want to interrupt you. Sorry... It could wait." Arthur smiled sadly. "I just wanted to ask you about your marriage."

"What about my marriage?" Merlin was afraid that Arthur was going to try to change his mind once again. He didn't want to go through this one more time. It was too painful.

"I just want to know the date," the king said.

"Oh..." Merlin sought Arthur's acceptance but he didn't suppose that it would come to him so easily. The warlock didn't want to admit it even to himself but he felt slightly disappointed. "We want it to happen in two weeks if it's not a problem. Rowena insists... But we don't seek any great celebration."

"That's not a problem," Arthur assured him. "And it's going to be a great celebration! My best friend is getting married!"

That was strange and Merlin didn't even tried to hide his surprise.

"I'll give the orders and everything will be ready on time," the king said.

"I'm speechless," the sorcerer admitted.

"And that's something new," Arthur replied.

"I'm not sure if I deserve your efforts," Merlin said shyly.

"Of course you do! You're the Court Sorcerer and people want to celebrate your happiness with you." The king hesitated for a short moment. "Well... I think that you should go to your fiancée and share the news with her," he suggested.

"Right." Merlin stood up. "Thank you Arthur."

"Pleasure."

Merlin rushed out of the chamber. He didn't understand why he felt the pain deep inside his heart. Arthur just gave him an evidence of his acceptance and he ought to be over the moon. The problem was that he was far from that. He realised that deep inside he wanted Arthur to object.

Arthur hated himself for what he had said. He did something totally against his own feelings. All what his heart desired was to stop Merlin's marriage and he just gave Merlin his blessing and propose aid. It was honourable and selfless but Arthur felt horrible. He wanted Merlin to be happy but deep inside he feared that Rowena wasn't the right person.

Arthur comforted himself with the thought that at least he would always be there for Merlin and he would always support him. No matter what.

oOoOo

It was official. Every citizen of Camelot knew that their Court Sorcerer was going to marry lady Rowena in less than two weeks. The whole castle was preparing for the event very carefully, just like the king wanted it to be.

Merlin felt slightly lost in the middle of it all. It was going to be his wedding but he didn't feel a part of the events. However he didn't dare to admit it to anyone. It wouldn't be appropriate. Besides he couldn't reveal his true doubts. There was no one who would understand the issue and keep it a secret.

"You don't look happy, Sir," some female voice spoke to him. Merlin, who was watching the town through the window, turned his gaze away and looked at the person who just broke the silence. He recognised her immediately. It was Raven, Arthur's royal bed-warmer.

Merlin almost forgot about her. However seeing her made the bad feelings come back. "I'm not Sir," Merlin said shortly.

"Nevertheless you seem sad." The girl didn't give up. "You're about to marry a beautiful lady. Shouldn't you strut around in pride?" she asked.

"I'm not a person who parades his happiness," Merlin said.

"That's because you're not happy at all," Raven summed it up.

The warlock looked at her in disbelief. "I beg your pardon?"

"I know you don't like me," she said shyly. "I know that you hate what I do but that's my job and I'm not ashamed of it. My fate would be far worse." She sighed. "However it's not about me but you. You're a miserable man and you're doing everything to extend your sorrow."

"You know nothing," Merlin said but he knew very well that Raven was right. However it was a part of self-sacrifice. He was doing it for Arthur and Albion.

"I'm just a royal bed-warmer but I know more than I wish to. There are things that can only be said in particular moments of night," she said courageously.

"Don't!" Merlin didn't want to listen. It was too painful to think that she could see and hear Arthur in such intimate moments. "For me Arthur is an honourable man," he said. "There are details that I shall never hear."

"He's indeed an honourable man," Rowena agreed. "I know that... he never made me do anything..."

"Spare me the details!" Merlin barked angrily. He tried to walk away but the girl followed him immediately.

"Please, listen to me," she begged him. "You need to know."

"That's sick," he muttered. "You're sick!"

"He never touched me!" Rowena yelled, making Merlin stop.

"What?" Merlin blinked a few times.

"He never touched me. I'm still a virgin." This time she whispered. However her whisper was stronger than everything what she said before.

"You're Arthur's bed-warmer," Merlin said weakly. "Isn't it your job to...?"

"I'm not an ordinary bed-warmer," she explained. "And Arthur is not an ordinary king."

"True," Merlin agreed. However there was still something strange about it. "Then why did I see you leaving his chamber in the morning?" he asked.

"Because he needed comfort and he needed it because of you," Rowena told him.

"Comfort? What kind of comfort?" He needed the answers and he needed them there and then.

"The king needed someone's touch, so I was touching him," she said more timidly. "However he never touched me."

Her confession was confusing but it gave Merlin some relief. Rowena's occupation was still ambiguous but he believed her.

"You said that he needed comfort because of me," Merlin said after a short hesitation. "Why?"

"Deep inside you know why," the girl told him. "I'm not going to give you a straight answer because all you need to do is to think about it."

"I insist," Merlin said firmly.

"I'll resist," she said, looking him in the eye. "I hope you'll make a right decision."

Then she walked away, leaving bewildered warlock behind.

oOoOo

Arthur was quite proud of himself. He usually tried to do things the way he liked them. Nonetheless, for Merlin he was able to do something against himself. There were short moments when it felt as if he observed the life of someone else. However then the pain came back and he knew that it was his pain and his very own loneliness.

Focusing on the ruling seemed to be the only way to forget. Arthur started studying more papers and it helped a lot. However when there was no more things to read and sign before the sleep, he went to bed and all sorrow filled his heart again.

There was no coming back. The things changed and they would never be the same in the future. Arthur was glad for Merlin's friendship and loyalty but being a husband would change everything between them. There would be no more staying up late and discussing more or less important things. As a husband Merlin would have an obligation to come back home earlier. Especially after becoming a father.

The idea of Merlin having children was disturbing and saddening. Arthur knew that the warlock would be a wonderful father but it would tear them apart even more. Besides, Arthur didn't want to think about the moment of conceiving. The image of Merlin and the woman (he decided to call her that way) in such an intimate act was for Arthur terrifying. It was obvious that as a married couple they would have sex (he refused to call it making love) but as long as he could, he preferred to pretend that they wouldn't.

Every night he had many strange dreams. Some of them were a blur while the others seemed to be real. There was only one connection between them and it was Merlin.

Sometimes Arthur's dreams were very pleasant. Sometimes they were depressing. However even those good, slightly erotic dreams seemed bitter after waking up. The king was fully aware that they would never come true and that they were the most intimate thing that he could ever "share" with Merlin.

Despite his desires and needs, Arthur didn't ask Raven for help. She wasn't Merlin and she would never be. Besides, he had made once a decision that he would only call for her in really urgent moments. As long as he felt that it was possible to cope with his loneliness on his own, her company wasn't necessary.

In the mornings he tried to plan his whole day to leave himself as least free time for thinking as he could. One of those mornings he decided that next time his advisers would mention his possible marriage, he would consider their proposition. He couldn't marry for love so there was no sense in waiting for something what would never come. At least he could do something good for his kingdom.

During day Arthur met many people and he pretended perfectly that he was absolutely fine. No one seemed to doubt in his king's well-being. He smiled, sometimes even laughed, but there was something strange in his eyes. Sometimes it was hard to notice at first but once it was seen, it never seemed to disappear.

Arthur sought Merlin's company. However the time that they were spending together never seemed enough. The king tried many things to keep Merlin close just for a little longer. He knew that they were running out of time so he wanted to use what was left wisely. There was no opportunity that he wouldn't take to spend more time with his dear friend. That's why Arthur thought about some sort of a small stag party just for two of them. He only hoped that Merlin would agree without asking unnecessary and awkward questions.

As always I can't wait for your reviews! :)