Author: LadyFromPoland

Disclaimer: I don't own "Merlin". It is a TV show which belongs to BBC.

Warning: SLASH

English is not my mother language.

Merry Merlin Christmas everyone! Have you seen the last episode of "Merlin"? God! If you haven't, then you need to prepare for some very interesting twsit at the very last scene (damn cliffhanger!). I don't know how I'll manage to wait for season 5. I hope that fandom will be willing to help me. ;)
Now enjoy the new chapter!

Engagement of an idiot

Chapter 9

"Mistakes"

Merlin felt incredibly warm and safe. It was perfect. He never wanted to let it go.

Then his eyes snapped open and it was the end of his sweet oblivion.

There was dark all around him but he easily recognised the room. Besides he could feel the warm body pressed against his back and an arm wrapped around his waist.

Merlin didn't move for a while, slowly recalling the events which had happened a few hours before. The truth was scaring and exciting him at the same time and he couldn't help that.

The warlock swallowed hard, wondering what to do. It would be so easy to stay in bed and to drift into Arthur's embrace. Merlin had been dreaming about those things for such a long time and now they came true. However he felt that it was wrong. No matter how much both of them wanted it, they couldn't just live like that, not caring about all the rest. It was not what people were expecting and it definitely was not something what would help the Albion survive once it was finally united. He felt that they couldn't selfishly follow their desires.

Ignoring the sudden pain in his heart, Merlin slowly moved away from Arthur and silently slid off the bed. He and Arthur were probably supposed to discuss what happened between them first but Merlin didn't have courage to wake Arthur up and face the problem right now or to wait until morning for Arthur to wake up himself. Merlin knew that he acted like a coward but he could do nothing about it.

Trying to convince himself that they both needed time to think, he started collecting his clothes from the floor. It was more painful than one can imagine. Every piece of garment, his or Arthur's, brought back the bitter-sweet memories of what had happened there.

Merlin put his trousers and tunic on. Then he found his boots and was ready to run away. However he needed to glance at sleeping Arthur one last time. The moment he looked at the king, he knew that it was a mistake. Arthur looked so calm, adorable and happy. Merlin felt awful. He was about to take it all away from him right now and he was going to do it like a coward. Merlin knew that Arthur deserved so much better and he was ashamed of himself and of what he was doing.

The warlock needed to get out of the chamber as soon as possible. This room was a trap and his doom.

In a short moment of regaining his strong will, he turned his gaze away from Arthur and walked quickly towards the door. The rush was his another mistake.

Merlin bumped into the chair, making it fall down on the floor with a thud.

The noise woke Arthur up. He immediately sat up on the bed and looked around in confusion.

"Merlin?" he asked weakly.

The warlock straightened up and made himself turn around. Arthur hoped that it was a misunderstanding but when he saw the sadness in Merlin's eyes, he knew that it was serious.

"I'm sorry," the dark haired man whispered. "I'm so sorry..."

Arthur shook his head. "No," he said. "You have nothing to be sorry for... Just come back to bed and..."

"Arthur," Merlin said his name sadly, looking down. "I can't do that. We can't..."

"Why?" the king asked firmly.

"You know why!" Merlin sighed. "You know it very well. We've made a mistake but we need to forget about it."

"Mistake," Arthur repeated after him with disbelief. "It was not a mistake. You wanted it as much as I did. I know it..."

"It's not about what we want, Arthur. If the circumstances were different, then we would... But you're king and you need to follow your people's expectations." Merlin was all trembling but he had to tell it to make everything clear between them. "You need an heir and I can't give you one."

"I don't care," Arthur said, though it was not entirely true. He knew that an heir would be a problem but losing Merlin seemed to be far worse.

"What's the sense of building Albion if it's going to be shattered right after your death?" Merlin asked him. He wanted Arthur to understand that they had to sacrifice their feelings for the greater good. "You need someone who would continue your work."

"What are we going to do, then?" Arthur asked angrily. "Do you want us to pretend that it never happened? I don't think I can."

"Arthur..."

"Don't!" the king snapped harshly. "Tell me one thing... Are you able to bear living in a lie again?"

"It's cruel and unfair," Merlin replied, feeling tears in his eyes. "I thought you've forgiven me my undercover life. Now you're bringing it back when it's not related with the subject!"

"How do you think I feel now?" Arthur asked him. "You've deceived me once again. You made me believe that we would... that we were..." He was not able to name it. It was too painful. "Tell me how should we live now. Tell me because I have no idea."

"I will always be by your side," Merlin promised him. "I'll always be your friend and I'll never forget about what happened because it meant the world to me but..."

"Then stay with me," Arthur begged him. "We'll solve all the problems together."

"I wish we would but it's impossible." He sighed. "I never thought I would have to protect you from myself."

"You don't have to," the king assured him. "I need you... I lo..."

"Don't!" Merlin shook his head. "Don't say that. We shall never say that." Then he ran away from the chamber and from Arthur because he couldn't stand it any more.

Arthur wanted to follow him but when he got up, he realised that he was completely naked. When he finally found his clothes and put them on himself it was too late. There was no sign of Merlin. The warlock could be anywhere and Arthur wasn't even sure if he was able to find him.

oOoOo

In his entire life, Merlin had never been so much confused. He knew that he'd made a mistake but he couldn't force himself to regret it. At the same time he knew that he betrayed his fiancée and he felt that he couldn't let it be. It was dishonest. Rowena deserved to know the truth. He owed it to her.

That's why, despite the night, Merlin headed directly towards her house. He needed to tell her as soon as possible. Locked door was not a problem for such a great sorcerer so he could slide into the house without getting anybody else involved. The manners and things which were inappropriate were the last things that he was concerned about now. They seemed nothing when he thought about his betrayal.

It was a miracle that nobody noticed Merlin entering Rowena's bedroom. He was in such an emotional state that he should have bumped into everything what was on his way. Luckily for him, he didn't.

"Rowena," the man said her name in a trembling voice, trying to wake her up. "Rowena."

"Merlin," she said, opening her eyes. "You shouldn't be here. It's inappropriate."

"I need to tell you something," Merlin admitted. "It's important and it can't wait."

She looked at him in confusion. "What is it?" she asked. "Have you argued with our king again? You two were supposed to enjoy your stag party," she said quite harshly.

"We were," Merlin told her in a very weak voice. "We actually enjoyed it too much."

Rowena frowned. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"I think we drank too much and became a little bit sentimental and..." He swallowed hard. "And then it happened. We... we kissed and then..." Merlin closed his eyes in embarrassment. "We couldn't stop it happening... I'm so sorry..."

"You mean that you and him slept together," she said after a while.

Merlin nodded. "I'm ashamed of my betrayal... I know you can't forgive me but I want to say sorry."

"Merlin," Rowena said firmly, making the man look at her. She didn't look angry or disgusted. Actually, she looked quite content. "You can sleep with him as often as you want. I knew it would happen sooner or later. I expected it to happen."

"What?" Merlin asked, not believing in what he just heard. "You expected it to happen? And you wanted to marry me?"

"I still want to marry you," Rowena said proudly. "Your affair with the king doesn't change anything in that matter."

"How can you say that?" Merlin didn't understand her motivations and wasn't sure if he wanted to understand them at all. However it was his obligation.

"It's just a marriage," she said as if it was going to explain everything. "People marry all the time. In most cases they do it to achieve something."

"And what can you achieve marrying me?"

"Everything." Rowena smirked cunningly. "I just need you to have the affair with the king. He's going to do everything for you and for me if I let it continue. It's perfect, isn't it? You don't need to worry about what people will say as long as you have a wife. No one will suspect that there's something wrong with you. No one will try to separate you from your beloved Arthur."

"Why would they want to?" Merlin asked very weakly.

"That's easy, Merlin. He's so desperate to have you that he'd give up everything. He wouldn't marry and therefore wouldn't have an heir." She sniggered. "Soon, people would find out that you're the one who's distracting him and they'd do everything not to let it continue." She sighed. "If you marry me, no one will suspect you. If Arthur can't have you only for himself, he will probably marry some princess and will have an heir. Then he would still have you as his lover. It's perfect."

Merlin shook his head. "How could you even think about such plan? What for?" he asked.

"I want power," she said firmly. "I'd be queen but she isn't really powerful. All I need is a husband who is really dear to the king."

"You think that I'll marry you?" he asked furiously. "After what I just heard?"

"Of course, you will. It's perfectly profitable for everyone," she said.

"Then you're wrong," Merlin muttered. "Farewell."

He left her house in a worse emotional state than before.

Rowena smiled at herself. "You will," she whispered. "You don't have any better option."

oOoOo

The rain was falling.

Once again this night Merlin was running away from his problems. This time, however, he didn't wish to see anybody. He needed to be on his own for a longer while to think it all through.

He reached the stables to take his horse. It was better to get out of the city and avoid everybody that he knew than to stay in Camelot and listen to all the questions and demands. Merlin needed the time to breathe and to wonder about his future. Too many things depended on his actions to make the sudden decisions and then regret all of them.

The warlock didn't know where he was heading. He decided to trust his horse and to let the animal lead him.

Merlin couldn't even seek the advice from the Great Dragon. It would be too embarrassing to ask such questions. Besides he truly doubted if Kilgharrah could help him. The issue was about human feelings and their impact on the future. Although the Dragon was concerned about the future, he knew too little about the nature of human feelings. Despite his old age, he had never experienced them. At least not in the way people did.

During the ride, Merlin was recalling every word of his conversation with Rowena. After a while he was more disgusted than at the beginning. He could not believe that Rowena was such a good actress. She'd deceived him. Merlin had truly believed that she had a good heart but now he knew that she had been a cunning and powerful woman for all this time. She planned to use his feelings for Arthur to gain what she wanted. It was repulsive. In his entire life, Merlin had never heard about the woman who would marry a man and then encouraged him to sleep with someone else to gain something. Merlin knew now that he'd been naïve all this time. The world was full of cunning beasts who only looked like ordinary human beings.

The worst thing, however, was that he hurt Arthur. Merlin was supposed to protect the king but he couldn't protect him from himself. The warlock didn't know how he would face him now. Everything would be easier if Merlin actually could leave Arthur for a few months. However it would be highly immature and dangerous. Without his magical help, Arthur would be hurt and even killed. Besides, Merlin couldn't imagine his life without Arthur even if he would never have him. Although the things between them were going to be awkward at first, he hoped that in time they would be just friends again. It was the only thing that they were allowed to be.

Merlin sobbed silently. He knew that they were going to suffer but they would bear it for the sake of Albion.

Suddenly Merlin's horse stopped and didn't want to go any more.

"What's wrong?" the warlock asked the animal. "Are you tired?" He sighed. "Fine, we're going to have a break!"

Merlin slid off the horse's back and looked around. He recognised the area easily, though he'd been there just once. He was near the Crystal Cave.

Merlin was not sure if it was just a coincidence. It might have been a sign. Perhaps, he was meant to find the Cave and then see the future.

This simple thing could solve all his problems. Merlin, however, was not sure if it was so easy. He would see something what he didn't want to know or something what would turn him in the wrong direction. Besides, he had once made a decision that he would never again dare to use the Cave.

Merlin was so confused. He looked up at the sky, seeking the answer for his questions. However there was none to be find.

He sighed soundly. "I need to know," he said to himself finally. "For Albion's sake." And Arthur's, he thought, and mine.

Merlin straightened up and started walking slowly towards the place where the entrance to the Crystal Cave was hidden. He hesitated for a few seconds before entering it.

The rain started falling harder.

It's Christmas time! Please, make me happy by writing a review.