We were all glad to get out of Orzammar. After all that time in the hot, dusty underground everyone was more than happy to camp next to a river so we could all bathe, even knowing that it'd be colder than Morrigan's heart. Liftrasa... hadn't said a word since we left. Well, that wasn't exactly true, she had spoken to merchants, and the people we had needed to report to once we finished their favors, but her voice was flat and monotonous. It was pretty bloody clear that she was only going through the motions, but I certainly had no idea what to say to her to make her feel any better.
I watched her sitting by the fire staring blankly into it, the slump of her shoulders making my heart ache. Leliana had tried talking to her, but it hadn't done any good nor had Wynne's attempts to do the same. She had simply listened, nodding where appropriate, and then walking away when she felt the conversation should be finished. I... hadn't even tried. I admit it, I'm a horrible coward, but someone once told me that discretion is the better part of valor, and I'd rather not jump in with both feet and make it worse. It helped that anytime she caught me looking at her, or even looking like I might walk over to her, she walked away. It was like she was wearing a huge sign that said 'No Alistair allowed, don't even try.'
I sighed softly in defeat, and finished gathering up the rest of my clothing so I could go bathe with Sten and... Zevran. I wished we could make the bloody assassin bathe by himself, but it was foolish to send one person alone away from the group, and it practically invited an ambush... not that I'd mind if he was ambushed, but I think it would annoy Liftrasa. Speaking of the slutty elf, where was he? I hadn't seen him in a while, and I just knew he was up to no good...
I spotted him on the other side of the camp. He had already stripped out of his armor, and was walking around without his shirt, likely so he could show off some of his tattoos, the little shit. He wasn't swaggering though, which was a bit of a shock since that was his normal mode of travel as far as I'd seen. He was also carrying flowers, just some of the local mountain flora we'd seen, nothing too impressive, but he walked purposefully over to the fire, and knelt next to Liftrasa, offering her the flowers. I bristled. How dare he use this as an opportunity to hit on her? Had he no shame? ... No wait, that was a stupid question, of course he didn't. Had he no sense of decency? Damn it! That was a stupid question too. In my defense, I was nearly mad with rage, and about ready to grab Oghren's maul and crush the little bastard, especially when he gently stroked her hair.
But... he didn't try anything. He left the flowers by her feet, squeezed her shoulder, and then got up and walked away. Right... what? Had that really just happened? Had Zevran, Zevran, really just offered condolences in a serious manner without trying to make it into a proposition? Could that... could that even happen? What next? Morrigan settling down and raising a family? Shale singing sailing shanties? Oghren bathing (Maker, I wish he would...)? Sten dancing the Remigold?
Speaking of the qunari, it seemed like it was his turn to take a part in the fire-side drama. He walked over, looming beside the sitting dwarf for just a moment before kneeling beside her. I heard the rumble of his voice, but couldn't make out his words. To my surprise, she actually reacted to him. When he fell silent she actually looked at him, like in the eyes, something she hadn't done with anyone, and then reached out and patted his arm before giving it a slight squeeze, nodding once. He rose from the log and strode away, walking towards me in order to get to the path leading to the river. As he walked by, I couldn't help but blurt out, "What did you say to her?" hoping against hope that there was some secret he would share that would give me some insight on what to say or do for her.
It was stupid, I know. He only glanced at me for a second as he walked by, "It has nothing to do with you."
"It does," I protested weakly, following after him.
"No, it does not," and I could tell from the tone that that would be all I got out of him on the matter.
The water was every bit as cold as I'd feared, and not even Zevran wanted to linger longer than absolutely necessary. Nor did he make any snide comments about the temperature's effect on... you know... nor did he hit on either of us. He must have felt my gaze on him, because he turned to look at me as he washed his hair, and just shook his head, "I'm sorry to disappoint you, my friend," I'm really not his friend, "but this is hardly the atmosphere for teasing, don't you agree?"
"I'm not disappointed," I snapped, "I'm just surprised you'd let a little thing like heart-wrenching sorrow stop you."
His brows drew together, and he gave me an all together offended look, "What kind of monster do you think I am, Alistair?" he quickly held up a hand to cut me off, "No, no, do not answer that, I can guess, I'm sure. I meant that even I cannot find much levity when our beautiful leader suffers so," he tilted his head slightly, "Even the distant Morrigan has been looking a bit glum, no?"
I opened my mouth to say that Morrigan was incapable of human emotion, but quickly stopped myself when I realized that he was right. Everyone had been much more... subdued since we left Orzammar... well, everyone other than Oghren, who was constantly drunk, which was like being subdued... when he was passed out anyway. Still, that gave me a lot to think about. I'd realized before, of course, that Liftrasa was the glue that held us together, I'm not that stupid. I mean, without her, Morrigan wouldn't have had anything to do with us, I would've killed Zevran for the assassination attempt, Sten would have left, Rurik wouldn't be here at all, and neither would Shale. I think the only people that would still be working together would be me, Wynne and Leliana... and I'd be in charge as the only Grey Warden... which meant we'd be lost, people would be dead, and I'd be stranded somewhere without any pants. Damn. She was the one that made us a team, the one that kept us calm rather than at each others' throats, and the one that took the time to give each of us attention, and make us feel like we actually had an important role, and our presence was appreciated. With her down, and no one able to cheer her up, it was like a black cloud had settled over the camp, and over our hearts. I'd known that everyone liked her and depended on her, of course, but I didn't realize until then how much everyone cared about her, not just me. Maker's breath, every last one of us, from stoic Sten to bitchy Morrigan to emotionless Shale loved her... and no one could do anything to cheer her up. Blast and damnation!
I could smell the booze before we even got back to camp. We were downwind as we came up the path, and it was terrible! It didn't help that it was mixed in with the horrifying smell that accompanied Oghren everywhere. Speaking of the berserker, he was sitting next to Liftrasa now, and there was a keg beside them, and judging from how far he had to tip it forward to refill his tankard, I was willing to bet it was a mostly empty keg at that. He was speaking in dwarven, though I occasionally caught the word 'nug', which made me think he was insulting someone, and Branka's name. Well, maybe having someone to share sorrow with would help her? A glance at her told me that that didn't seem to be the case though. She had the same stoop-shouldered posture she'd had in when we left.
Leliana noticed out return and walked over to the fire, putting a hand on Liftrasa's shoulder to get her attention, "The others are back," she announced quietly, "We should go bathe, no? I've already gotten clean clothes for you." She shot a glare at Oghren when he started snickering drunkenly and leering suggestively, "Keep it to yourself," she snapped at him as she offered her hand to our leader to help her to her feet.
Liftrasa ignored it, standing on her own. I noticed the slightest sway to her frame, but she steadied quickly and turned to head off with the bard. As she approached us, the scent of alcohol grew stronger until she was abreast of us, and I was wondering if you could get drunk on the fumes alone. Her eyes remained on the ground as she walked by us, until Sten said quietly, "Kadan?"
She looked up at the qunari, and said tiredly, "Shok ebasit hissra. Meraad astaarit, meraad itwasit, aban aqun," she patted his arm again, and then continued heading down the path, leaving all of us, including Sten himself, stunned. When the hell had she learned so much of his language? Furthermore, what the hell did that mean?
Sten must have felt my gaze on him, because he looked down at me and scowled. Well that was as much of an invitation for conversation as I was going to get out of him, so why not? "Well I'm glad she'll talk to someone," I said, "I don't suppose you have any advice on how to get her to talk to the rest of us?"
His scowl deepened, "She will speak when she is ready," he snapped.
"Yes well, you tell that to Wynne and Leliana when they start harping on me to talk to her," I muttered, "Not that I think they'll listen."
"Parshaara. A wound needs to stop bleeding before it can be dressed."
"What does that mean?" I wheedled, hoping for any insight into the situation, and willing to brave his creepy glare to get it.
Oh he was angry now, but I think he realized that I wasn't just going to let him walk away. "It means," he snapped, "that she needs time, not an over-bearing kabethari wailing at her to lead them!"
A realization struck me then. Sten really did love her, to stand here and continue this conversation with me... not like, love her romantically or anything, but like family. Normally when we said things he considered stupid, he found a way to shut us up or he just didn't answer. He was forcing himself to talk to me for her sake, even though he considered it pointless, and me too stupid to understand. Was it possible to be annoyed, touched, and ashamed all at the same time? I wasn't sure, but it seemed like I was trying to accomplish it nonetheless. "What's a 'kabathaari'?" Alright, maybe he was right to think I was at least a little stupid.
"Kabethari," he corrected me, "It means 'simple person'." I seemed to have reached the limit of his patience, because he stalked off after delivering that information.
I sighed in defeat and headed over to the fire, making sure to keep Oghren downwind of me. He was scowling blackly as he tried to refill his mug from what was clearly an empty keg. "Greedy Stone-cursed nug-licker!" he swore angrily, "Th'Warden drank all my ale!" I would've had a hard time believing that, if I hadn't smelled all the alcohol on her when she walked by. "Luckily I came prepared, heh, heh," he pulled out a flask and used it to fill his mug, "Come to Oghren, my lovely..." it was downright obscene watching him drink the liquor. Right. I was going to have nightmares.
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
Alright, I had a plan. I wasn't sure if it was a good plan, but it was something. We'd taken to setting two person watches around camp, so we couldn't be ambushed like we were when those shrieks attacked. Liftrasa had stated, too flatly to be argued with, that she was going to stand her watch with Rurik... since he actually couldn't try to talk to her. As it turned out that worked out pretty well for me, since the dog wasn't going to interrupt or inject his own thoughts into the matter... probably... I hoped... he was kind of opinionated and lippy...
In any event, I waited until I was sure everyone else was asleep, or in Shale's case was far enough away to not notice, that way they couldn't mess up my plan. I know I've mentioned it before, but I'm not exactly what you'd call a 'strategist', so I was more than a little worried that this wouldn't work, but it was the best I could come up with. Maker save us all.
I got up quietly, and picked up my blanket. She was sitting far away from the fire so the light wouldn't ruin her night vision, and I knew she was cold... she usually was anyway, considering she came from lava... oops, I meant magma. I walked up behind her as quietly as I could, glad that she was facing the perimeter of the camp rather than its center, and dropped the blanket around her shoulders. She jumped slightly, which told me she'd been paying as much attention to her surroundings as Sten paid to people's feelings. She looked up to see who had done it, and then quickly looked away, not bothering to say anything. She was sitting on a rock, so I couldn't really sit beside her, so I sat on the ground, drawing a leg up and resting my arm on it. It was... hard to figure out where to start. I'd had this whole speech planned out in my head, but now that it was time to deliver it, I couldn't remember it. The silence stretched between us, growing tauter than one of Leliana's lute strings, but I just couldn't think of how to break it. In the end, she did it for me.
"You should get some sleep," she murmured almost too quietly to hear, her voice still devoid of inflection, "The hardest part is still ahead."
"You mean there's something worse than running all over Ferelden, and solving everyone's problems?" Damn it! That was not what I meant to say!
She nodded, "Politics... and after those, defeating the archdemon will seem easy." There should have been amusement in those words, and a chuckle following them, but there wasn't. Even Shale had more personality in its voice when it spoke.
"Right..." since it looked like I'd missed the perfect chance, I figured this might be the best time to just jump into it with both feet. "Look, I know that none of the others would ever appoint me to speak for them... Well, I mean Wynne might, but that's more like her telling me what I should be doing, than her having me express an opinion for her..." Off to a great start already I saw, "The point I'm trying to make is that even though no one says it out loud, I know that we're all grateful for having you in our lives..." I looked up at her, and even given our different elevations, I didn't have to look up very far, "You've helped all of us, and I don't just mean in the obvious ways where you actually went out and did something. You've helped us just by being you... wonderful, patient, caring you." That sounded horribly cheesy, so I plunged on, hoping to redeem myself, "You make us all feel... special. You make us think about things from different perspectives, and keep us from flying off the handle and doing stupid things. When we're upset about something, you talk to us until we can bear it, and dull the edge of whatever we're feeling so we can think clearly. You help us come to terms with things we never thought we'd possibly be able to cope with, even if that means going out of your way to travel to the other side of the country to hunt down a person, or a sword, or even just a mirror to do it. I... can't even begin to think of how to list all of the things you've done for us, and the ways you've helped us, there are just too many, from the tiniest of things like talking to Leliana about shoes, to spelunking in the Deep Roads to find out who Shale was before being turned into a golem. Just being around you makes all of us better people, I really believe that." She had turned to look at me somewhere in the middle of that wandering rant, but I couldn't hold a gaze that looked so heartbroken, and dropped my attention to the ground. Clearly my plan was a failure. "Of course, since you're so giving and selfless, it makes us forget that you're a person too... and the only comfort and consideration you've gotten from anyone has been Wynne telling you to buck up, and be a good little Grey Warden..." I thought about that and quickly added, "no pun intended... and Leliana complimenting your hair. So... I just wanted to say on behalf of everyone, thank you... and we're all here for you when you're ready to talk... because we love you, even if we all express it in different ways." I got to my feet, keeping my gaze on the ground, too scared to look at her and see what expression she wore. Good job Alistair, well played... you suck.
I started to walk away, but stopped when I felt a light touch on my hip. I steeled myself and looked down at her upturned face. It hurt to see the tears in her eyes shimmering in the moonlight. "Thank you," she said soft as a sigh, a number of those tears sliding down her cheeks, "I'm sorry..."
"For what?" I asked, and quickly knelt down beside her, so I could take her face in my hands, the fear of failing her evaporating at the sudden surge of determination to make her see how important she was. "You've done nothing you should be sorry for," I brushed my thumbs over her cheekbones, wiping her tears away, "I know I said before that I understand, but... right now I don't. This is something I've never had to face, and I imagine the only person that would is Oghren, if you could get him to dry out long enough to talk. That doesn't change the fact that I'm here for you... everyone is, really. I know we're a motley crew of cast offs, but there isn't one of us that wouldn't jump between you and danger... and there isn't one of us that wouldn't take all your pain away and suffer it ourselves in your stead." Following some inner prompt, I leaned forward and brushed a light kiss over her forehead before sitting back on my calves, "If there's ever anything you need of us, all you have to do is let us know... even if we protest, we'll do it. Because you're you, and you're better than the lot of us combined."
"Don't say that," she protested instantly, "I'm not..." she shook slightly, trying not to sob openly, "really I'm not."
"You are," I insisted, and went out on a limb, if only because I was sure she wouldn't ever mention it, "you can ask anyone here, and they'll agree."
"You should listen to him, my Warden," I forced myself not to jump a mile at the sound of Zevran's voice, and I only succeeded in being still, because I was holding Liftrasa's face in my hands, and I didn't want to hurt her, "He speaks truly."
"He really does," and that would be Leliana... I hated rogues and their sneaky... powers... "You are more important to me than Marjolaine ever was. You've been more to me than I can ever properly express. You're like the sister I never had, and always dreamed about. Alistair is right to thank you for us and convey our love, we should've done it a long time again."
"You showed me mercy when you had no reason to," Zevran picked up the thread of conversation, "You've accepted me despite my... occasionally questionable actions, and you've even gone out of your way to make me feel less homesick, and more welcome, all while asking nothing in return. It is... a very strange thing to me, but I've certainly enjoyed the novel experience. I am no wordsmith like our dear Leliana, but I thank you from the very bottom of my arguably black heart, and wanted to let you know that if you ever have need of me, I will always come running when you call."
Well, I for one was shocked... Not really by Leliana's confession, but Zevran's kind of left me staring mutely in surprise. My attention was quickly brought back to Liftrasa when the dam finally broke, and she started sobbing openly, lifting her hands to cover her face. I quickly wrapped my arms around her, and shot an awkward look up the others, unsure of what to do or say.
"Take her to bed," Leliana said gently, "Zevran and I have next watch anyway, and we're already up. Standing double watch won't hurt either of us."
I expected the assassin to make some comment about needing 'beauty sleep' or make a lewd suggestion, but he simply nodded, "Good night, my Warden, I hope your sleep is restful."
My surprised gratitude must have been clearly written across my face, because they both gave me faint smiles, before heading off to opposite sides of the camp to take up their positions. I quickly shifted my grip and lifted Liftrasa in my arms so I could carry her back to my tent. She didn't fight me at all, she just wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my neck.
She stayed that way until she fell asleep, clinging to me like I was the last solid thing in the world, and crying until exhaustion finally overcame the heartache. On a purely selfish level, I was glad dwarves didn't dream on their own... because it meant she was likely to get some form of peace for a while at least.
Author's note: What the Warden said to Sten is part of the qunari prayer for the dead. It translates to, "Struggle is an illusion. The tide rises, the tide falls, but the sea is changeless." I know it doesn't come through well, because Alistair would be clueless, but she was actually comforting Sten, essentially letting him know that her mourning phase would pass, like the tide, and she'd still be who she was, so he shouldn't be upset or worried about her.