Disclaimer: I do not own the Gilmore Girls or any of its characters, nor do I have any connection or affiliation with the actors and actresses, producers, show-runners or the CW. Because let's face it – if I did, Gilmore Girls would still be on, Rory would've married Logan, and I wouldn't be writing this fanfic.

Rating: PG for now, for language.

Major Relationships: Rory & Logan, with Luke & Lorelai from time to time.

Author's Note: Thank you so much for all the wonderful feedback so far everyone. I appreciate the response. I hope you continue to enjoy the installments.

And also, to those readers who have left nasty reviews slamming Logan – no one asked you to read this story, no one forced you. Move along.

If I Never See You Again

By Heather Nicole

Chapter 4

The following night, Rory lay in her own bed, in her own room for the last time in the foreseeable future, staring at the ceiling that she had stared at for years, unraveling the events of the day in her mind.

Leave it to Stars Hollow – even with a monsoon, Rory's party was fun for everyone involved, most importantly for Rory, who finally felt a little bit of her troubles melt away. Everything was going to be alright. Her family – blood related and Stars Hollow – would always be here to come home to and would always be proud of her, and that was a comfort.

The trouble was, however, that though she felt some relief for a little while … it was only temporary. And if possible, once the party was dying down, she was hit with an unexpected surge of sadness, missing Logan more than she had before.

Was this how it was always going to be?

Would she finally feel the relief of happiness for however long, only to be brought down by the heavy weight of a broken heart, and feel as though she were lower than she were before day in and day out? If it was always going to be this way, then she'd rather just feel sad all the time, instead of feeling devastatingly depressed after she felt happiness.

It was silly, she admitted to herself, but a part of her secretly hoped that at some point during the party, there would be a clearing, and somewhere in the distance would be Logan. It wasn't just silly. It was absurd. How would he know that there was a party or even that she were leaving? Oh, he'd find out … but not until she was already on a campaign bus somewhere … anywhere … with no idea where to find her. The thought terrified her.

What if she never saw him again? What if the last time she ever saw him was when she hurt him? Would she ever survive if this never came back around? She couldn't admit it aloud, but that's what she was waiting for, hoping for, praying for, banking on – that somehow, someway, this would come back around.

At first, this hadn't seemed like so distant a hope. When it had only been a few days, a week, it seemed plausible. When she was going to spend the summer trekking across country finding roller coasters only to return to Stars Hollow, where Logan knew he could find her, it wasn't totally outlandish. He could change his mind and come for her. He could get in touch with her.

But when this job appeared, the prospect that this would ever come back around was pushed further and further away from her, and it no longer seemed like a realistic hope. Instead, it seemed like an ill-fated dream. This job was going to speed up her entire life. It was going to speed up her career, her adult life, her first real breaths into the real world … and each second would make it more and more impossible for her and Logan to reconcile. Every second apart would be more devastating.

Maybe that's what she needed.

After all, Lorelai thought she did the right thing. And if her mother thought it was the right thing, then it probably was … right?

Every other time in her life that Lorelai had had a strong opinion on something, she had been right. When it came to Jess (at least as he was in high school), Lorelai was right. When it came to Dean (the second time around), Lorelai was right. When it came to Rory leaving Yale, Lorelai was right. If she were sticking with past precedent, then her decision had to be right, just based on the stipulation that her mom agreed with her.

But this time, she couldn't shake the feeling that maybe, just maybe, Lorelai was wrong. Rory loved her mother. For being a single mother, Lorelai had done a fantastic job at providing Rory with all the love and guidance of two parents (and all the personalities). But for all her strong suits – and there were so many – Lorelai had never really gotten the marriage thing down. Rory didn't hold that against her – not for a second. The chips hadn't really fallen in Lorelai's favor anytime marriage had been at her doorstep. But Rory, while like her mother in so many ways, was also different in many ways. And maybe … just maybe … Lorelai was wrong about this.

After all, Lorelai had been wrong before – about Logan, in fact. She thought he was nothing more than a spoiled boy in a man's body, just waiting for the trust fund to kick in and living high on the hog off of Daddy's money. She thought that Logan would never be able to commit or settle down. But he did. Lorelai's reaction to Logan was erratic at best. Disapproval, approval, trust, distrust. Rory was never sure why her mother couldn't just pick a side with Logan and stick to it. It was true, Logan came with ups and downs … but so had Luke, so had Christopher. Logan had come out on top of the chaos … at least for now. Was Lorelai right about this? Rory just couldn't be sure.

When Rory looked at the clock, she saw the time – nearly midnight. She should be sleeping. She had an early flight and a lot to do before that early flight.

She was trying to sleep, she really was, but her mind wouldn't shut off. Sleeping would have been easier, had Logan not slept in this bed so recently when he came to visit for the spring fling.

"Nothing belongs simply to me anymore," Rory said to herself. Everything she owned, from her clothes to her books to her room, he'd seen, he'd touched, he'd played a part in. Logan had touched everything in her life.

This was different than with Dean or Jess. She hadn't lived with Dean or Jess. She had never realistically pictured marriage with Dean or Jess. She hadn't been with either of them as adults. She hadn't grown with them or experienced a true adult relationship with them in the way that she had to Logan. This was so different than anything she expected.

So what do you do when the man you love has touched every aspect of your life, every person, place, thing or idea, and now you have to try to live without him? Do you just get rid of it all? That seems silly.

And if she had the option … should she have to live without him? Should she have to eliminate everything he touched. Should she have to ache when she wore a dress that he liked on her? Would she have to cringe whenever she picked up a book that he gave her? How could life go like this? How could life be this painful without him? How would she deal with it? And what did it mean if the pain never, ever went away?

She knew in her heart the answer to these questions, which, strangely enough, was that she would probably never have definitive answers to these questions. She simply had to allow herself the time to get over this, to adjust. Eventually, in a week, or a year, or maybe five years, things will lose the amount of meaning they have, she thought to herself. It will get easier.

Maybe in ten years.

So with no questions going answered this evening, with no wishes being answered and no dreams miraculously coming true, Rory closed her eyes tight, and tried to enjoy her last night of sleep in her very own bed, in her very own room … in the bed where Logan had once slept.