Disclaimer: I do not own the Gilmore Girls or any of its characters, nor do I have any connection or affiliation with the actors and actresses, producers, show-runners or the CW. Because let's face it – if I did, Gilmore Girls would still be on, Rory would've married Logan, and I wouldn't be writing this fanfic.
Rating: PG for now, for language.
Major Relationships: Rory & Logan, with Luke & Lorelai from time to time.
Author's Note: I hope this story continues to live up to everyone's expectations. Please read and review. If you have any ideas or thoughts, please also feel free to email me at .com.
If I Never See You Again
By Heather Nicole
Chapter 17
Rory felt like she and Lorelai had stood staring at each other in silence for hours, even though it had only been minutes, when Lorelai finally took a step forward and broke the silence.
"Rory, what are you doing here? Is everything okay?" she said.
"Everything's fine," Rory said. "Well, I think everything's fine. You might not think it's fine. I guess we'll see."
"Rory, what are you talking about?" Lorelai moved towards her and took her hands. "What is going on?"
"Can we sit down?" Rory asked.
"Sure," Lorelai answered, hesitantly.
They made their way into the kitchen. Rory sat down at the kitchen table, and waited for her mother to join her, but Lorelai simply leaned against the counter nearest the coffee pot and looked at her.
"So?" Lorelai prodded.
"So … I'm here because I have something to tell you," Rory said.
"You could've called me," Lorelai answered.
"No," she said. "I couldn't. This is the kind of thing I need to tell you in person."
"What's wrong?" her mother responded.
"Why do you assume something's wrong?" Rory asked.
"Because," Lorelai stated. "You wouldn't have left your job in Iowa, that you only left for about 36 hours ago, to come home and tell me something small or mediocre or inconsequential. This is obviously something big."
"Big doesn't mean bad," Rory explained.
"No, but I just have a feeling that it is," Lorelai answered.
"How come?" Rory asked.
"Because you have the face," Lorelai said.
"What face?" Rory inquired.
"It's the 'I've got something to tell you that you're not going to like,' face," Lorelai said. "It's the same look you had on your face when you were five and you spilled chocolate milk all over a very expensive rug at the Independence Inn. It's also the look you had on your face when you got hit by a dear. It's the same look you had on your face when you had sex with Dean. It's the same look you had on your face when I picked you up from prison, and a few days later, when you told me you weren't going back to Yale. It's the same face. I know that face."
"I don't think it's bad," Rory said.
"You also didn't think sleeping with Dean was a bad idea at first, either," said Lorelai.
Rory could only look at her hands. Her mother was right – Rory had had a habit for making decisions that she thought were right that she later learned were very, very wrong. What if this was the same thing happening all over again?
"C'mon, Rory," Lorelai finally sat down at the table across from her. "Just tell me whatever it is that made you feel like you had to come here and leave your first job."
"Well," Rory said, finally looking up at Lorelai. "I didn't actually make it to my job."
"What?" asked Lorelai, confused.
"I didn't make it to Iowa," Rory confirmed. "I got stuck on that layover in Chicago, you know? And … I don't know really what came over me or how it happened. But one minute, I was getting ready to get on a plane to Des Moines, and the next, I was buying a ticket to San Francisco."
"To San Francisco," Lorelai said. It was a statement – not a question. Lorelai didn't need much to put together the pieces of this picture. Lorelai knew what was in San Francisco and what wasn't in Des Moines – or who, as the case may be.
"Yea," Rory responded. "To San Francisco."
"So why did you decide to go to San Francisco?" Lorelai asked. "I mean, I thought we'd decided that going to San Francisco wasn't the right decision for you right now. I mean, I thought that's what you decided."
San Francisco had clearly become a synonym for Logan. Rory played along, afraid to tip the balance.
"Well, I guess I realized there was more than one circumstance under which I could go to San Francisco," Rory explained.
"I thought San Francisco had made it pretty clear what you had to do if you wanted to go to San Francisco," Lorelai said. She got up and began to rummage around in the cabinet for a bag of coffee. She slid the coffee pot out of the coffee maker and walked around to the other side of the kitchen to fill the pot. Rory turned to face her mother.
"No," Rory said. "San Francisco wanted me to move there and to move forward. San Francisco didn't want to do the long distance thing again. So … we're not."
Lorelai was silent. She walked back across the kitchen to fill the coffee maker. She poured the water in the coffee maker, and measured five heaping scoops of coffee grounds into the basket … and then added a sixth. Clearly this was a conversation that was going to require the strongest of coffee. And maybe a little Kahlua.
"I don't suppose Hugo Grave has any big, great, fantastic job opportunities in California, does he?" Lorelai asked.
"No," Rory answered.
"So you threw away this opportunity … for nothing?" Lorelai said, turning to face Rory.
"No, Mom," Rory said, restraining the urge to get defensive. "Not for nothing."
Lorelai sat down at the table. The two women sat in silence while the coffee brewed. The silence was unbearable. Finally, Rory broke it.
"I love Logan, Mom," Rory said.
"I thought we were calling him San Francisco," Lorelai remarked.
"You were calling him San Francisco," Rory said. "I was playing along."
"I guess I'm just confused, Rory," Lorelai said. "You turned down his proposal because you said you weren't ready to be married, you weren't ready to be tied down."
"I'm not ready to be married – yet," Rory said. "But I could be. And in the meantime, I also know that I'm not ready to be away from Logan or to let him slip away. I don't know that I'll ever be ready for that."
"So what's the big plan then, now?" Lorelai asked incredulously.
"I'm moving to California," Rory answered. "I'm going to move in with Logan at the house that he picked for us to move into. I'm going to find a job out there."
"Are you getting married?" Lorelai asked.
"Ever?" Rory responded.
"Yes … but more specifically now," Lorelai clarified.
"No, we're not getting married now," Rory answered. "But yes, I would like to marry him someday."
Lorelai got up and poured herself a cup of coffee.
"So when are you going back then?" Lorelai asked.
"We're not really sure," Rory said.
"We?" Lorelai said.
"Me and Logan," Rory said.
"Logan's here?" Lorelai asked.
"Well, not here in Stars Hollow, but he's here in the state of Connecticut," Rory answered. "He's over at Honor's."
"Oh," Lorelai said softly, mulling all of this over in her head.
"It was actually his idea to come here," she said. "He paid for the tickets and everything. He didn't want us to have this conversation over the phone … and he was right. I'm lucky, you know … to have someone who knows what's good for me. I mean, besides you. Anyhow, we don't know when we're leaving. It just depends how long it takes to pack, I guess. But we're hoping to leave around Thursday. Logan starts work on Monday."
"Well, we have some boxes at the Dragonfly," Lorelai said. "I don't know if it's enough for all your things … definitely not for all of your books. But you know, Luke probably has some boxes lying around."
"Mom," Rory tried to interject.
"Mrs. Kim probably has some too," Lorelai continued.
"Mom," Rory said louder.
"Andrew might even have some boxes you could snag," Lorelai thought outloud.
"MOM!" Rory finally shouted. Lorelai stopped and looked at her, her face fallen and silent. "Why are you talking about boxes?"
"Because you'll need boxes," Lorelai said.
"Mom," Rory coaxed her. "What do you really think?"
"It doesn't matter," Lorelai said, trying to keep her opinion out of the mix. "You've made your mind up."
"I have," Rory said. "But that doesn't mean that what you think isn't still important to me."
Lorelai walked over to the door to Rory's room, and opened it. She leaned against the door frame, coffee cup in hand. She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath.
"I want you to be happy, Rory," Lorelai said, plainly. "If Logan is what is going to make you happy, then I want you to be with him.
"It's hard for me to tell you what I really think, kid, because honestly, I don't really know. You know, I've been engaged twice – and I didn't marry either of those guys. I've been married and divorced – all within a span of a few months this year. Love isn't really something I know. I can flirt, I can date. I can even be in a relationship, maybe even a serious relationship. I just can't ever really seem to get it off the ground past that point.
"I'm not really sure why that is. I also like to think that Luke and I will stick this time, and maybe then at some point, I'll have a better frame of reference for you. Unfortunately, you need it now.
"My gut says that this is a really, really risky decision. The job market sucks, and you managed to find a whale of a job. I mean, the pay was going to be crappy, but you weren't going to have many living expenses and it was going to be the ride – literally and figuratively – of a lifetime. You couldn't put a price on the networking and the experience you could be having right now.
"But work isn't everything, right? A career isn't everything. I guess for me, working and my career have been a stable point in my life, which has been a simultaneously fun and scary roller coaster. But that doesn't mean it has to be for you. Or maybe you can have both. If anyone could, it would be you. And I guess if there is something to be risky about, it's probably love, right. Isn't that what the poets are always telling us to do? Seize the damn day, right? Carpe diem, and all that.
"What scares me is that I don't know how this is going to turn out for you. Because it could turn out to be wonderful. Or it could leave you heartbroken and worse off than you were before. But it is your life. And who am I to tell you how or when to love? No one should be able to tell you that, least of all me.
"It's hard for me to picture the little girl who grew up in this room moving across the country with a boy that she can realistically see herself living her whole life with. I can still see you in that chair reading Little Women. The same girl who only a few years later had her first kiss, thanked the boy for it and stole a box of corn starch. I can't wrap my mind around it, you know?
"But then again, I can't picture myself married either, for one crazy reason or another. And I'm almost forty.
"But the point is that whether or not I think this is good or bad … and I think I'll probably waffle over that every day, I'm always here for you. And I'll try to be as helpful as I can. And your room and your home are always here, if anything goes wrong. And so am I," she finished.
Rory smiled, crossed the room and hugged Lorelai.
"Thank you," Rory said. "That means a lot to me."
"Sure, kid," Lorelai sighed, both happy for her daughter and scared. She felt a kind of melancholia that was worse than the kind she'd felt only a day before, when she'd dropped Rory off at the airport. She'd felt like it was the end of an era – but now, she felt that that was even more true. Her baby girl was going off to live in a state that Lorelai had never even been to, to live with a boy, whom she was most likely going to marry. It was strange. How quickly things had changed.
"You know, you will get married to Luke," Rory said. "I really believe that."
"I'm glad someone does," Lorelai answered.
"Oh, c'mon," Rory encouraged.
Lorelai stepped away from the door and walked into the living room.
"I love Luke," Lorelai said. "Don't get me wrong. I just don't have any expectations anymore. I just want us to be happy. If we get married, we do. If we don't, we don't. I'm not getting my hopes up. If we happen to manage to make it down the aisle … it'll just be a fringe benefit."
"And you already have a dress," Rory said.
Lorelai sat down on the far end of the couch. Rory followed suit and sat on the side nearer the kitchen.
"I do," Lorelai said. "But it might be bad juju to wear that dress."
"Why?" Rory asked.
"Because, I bought it for a wedding that never happened," she answered. "It might be cursed."
"Maybe," Rory said, wide eyed, clearly pacifying Lorelai.
"Maybe you can have it," Lorelai said. "If you and Logan get married. Or if you marry someone else."
"If you don't want to wear your bad juju dress, I really don't want to wear your bad juju dress. Don't try to pass your bad wedding karma off on me," Rory joked.
"Maybe it wouldn't be cursed for you," Lorelai asserted. "Maybe it's only cursed for me."
"Let's not take any chances," Rory said.
"Probably a good idea," Lorelai said. She sighed and picked up the remote. "Want to watch something really bad?"
"Sure," Rory said. "I don't need to start packing yet. But I should probably call Logan and let him know what happened."
"Another good idea," Lorelai said.
"Can he come over here?" Rory asked.
"Of course," Lorelai answered.
"And maybe we can order a pizza?" Rory asked.
"Whatever you want," Lorelai smiled at her.
Rory went into the entryway and rummaged for her sidekick in her messenger bag. She speed dialed Logan's number.
From the living room, Lorelai could hear her talking to him, happily.
How strange it is, Lorelai thought to herself, that her daughter is now, possibly permanently, part of a package deal. With her, would come Logan. How fast 23 years had flown by … but yet, how slow the past day and a half had felt. At what pace would the next few days, weeks and months pass by, while she waited for her daughter to be proposed to – again. And while she waited for her daughter's love life to come into bloom, she wondered whether she herself would ever finally be proposed to by the one man she'd wanted most for as long as she could remember.
Author's Note: I hope you all enjoyed this update. I am now betareading. If any of you are interested, please contact me.