Chapter 2: Damn Animals

Wesker put on his handy dandy latex gloves, slapping them to his wrist like an evil scientist would do. He proceeded to pick up the walking rhinoceros beetle, presenting it to those who watched him in his glorious glory.

"This rhinoceros beetle is the strongest animal according to size prop-"

"What? That beetle isn't the strongest animal! I can crush that thing with my boot!" Krauser snorted.

Wesker heaved a sigh. "As I was saying, it is the strongest animal according to size proportion. Just imagine what will happen if I inject this beetle with a virus and it grows to be the size of a house! It will be called….Beetlezilla!"

Krauser grabbed the beetle from Wesker's hand and dropped it onto the ground. He proceeded to crush it with his huge boot. He then cackled like an evil little kid. "That beetle didn't prove to be so strong."

"You just killed my experiment you imbecile!" Wesker yelled, jumping up and down in a tantrum.

"Oh…sorry…"

"Go fetch Hunk. He can go seek me out another beetle!" Wesker ordered.

Krauser ran out of the laboratory, leaving Wesker, Ada, and Nicholai behind to find Hunk. The mercenary was in his quarters. When Krauser came in, Hunk was wearing his boots, his boxers, and his gas mask while squatting and flexing in his full size mirror.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Hunk jumped, spinning around to face Krauser. "I'm checking out my awesome body! They don't call me Hunk for nothing!" He proceeded to laugh like an arrogant jock.

"You sound like Kenny from South Park…what did you say?" Krauser grumbled.

"I said…never mind. What do you want?"

"Are you ever going to show us your face? Are you ugly or something? Are you a fan of Darth Vader?"

Hunk heaved a sigh. "I take it Wesker sent you to tell me to do something…"

"Go on! Do the Darth Vader breathing!"

Hunk groaned, slapping himself in the face…er gas mask. He started to breathe like Darth Vader, and Krauser giggled and clapped his hands together. "Brilliant!"

"Now, why are you here?"

"Oh, Wesker wants you to find another rhinoceros beetle because I squished his."

"You squished his beetle? For shame…"

Back to the laboratory…

"Maybe I could make some kind of awesome monster with a lemur!" Wesker giggled.

"A lemur? Like from Madagascar?" Ada questioned.

"I like to move it, move it, I like to move it, move it…you like to…" Nicholai was singing but slowly eased to a stop from Wesker and Ada's odd stares.

"Yes, Madagascar! They don't come from Antarctica or anything…that would be stupid!

"Why a lemur?"

"I saw this cute little show on Animal Planet last night," Wesker said, and then it all went quiet. There was a chirp from a cricket and then silence. "I mean…there was this stupid little show about lemurs on Animal Planet last night but then I changed it to the murder mystery channel…"

"OOOHHHH! Were there any goats on last night?" Nicholai barked, jumping up and down.

"No….well, actually there was! Fainting goats!" Wesker laughed.

"I LOVE fainting goats! I need some of those to scare all the time!" Nicholai chortled.

"You men are dumb," Ada sighed.

"Watch what you say to your employer!" Wesker snapped. "Hmm…speaking of which, I was supposed to interview some new bad guys today."

They left the laboratory to go to the control room, where Wesker proceeded to let in the new people he was going to interview. Ada and Nicholai were confused by all the wackos that were in the room, standing in line.

Wesker rubbed his hands together, clearing his throat. "Alrighty then! Who do we have here first?"

"My name is Freddy…I have long claws and can scare the crap out of people while they are sleeping!"

"Ehhh, don't have much use for that…next!"

A tall, menacing man came up with a hockey mask and a machete. Wesker waited and the man didn't speak. "I'm sorry, you are gonna have to speak up."

"Is it Friday the 13th?" the man asked.

"Nope…"

"Oh, sorry…can't help ya," the man answered, turning and walking away.

"Next!"

"Let's put a smile on that face!"

"NEXT!"

Wesker looked around, but there was nobody next. "Down here, chump."

Wesker looked down, saw a bloodied up doll with a knife, red hair, and grisly grin. "The name is Chuckie."

"Like the cheese?" Wesker asked, scratching his head. "Wait, you are a doll."

"Yeah, so?"

Wesker dropped kicked him right out of the window. "Next!"

A tall, menacing man came walking up with a huge, rusted metal pyramid head and a huge Cloud Strife sword. His robes were torn and bloody and he caught Wesker's interest.

"Yes! And who are you?"

"Bob."

"Bob?"

"Yes, Bob."

"What do you do, Bob?"

"Oh, I hunt down crazy little, good for nothing protagonists and tear their limbs off and eat them…well I don't eat them, but they are sure dead!"

"You are hired my good sir!"

"Yes!"

"What?" Ada exclaimed. "He is like this crazy, demon god of death!"

"I like him!" Wesker laughed maniacally. "Welcome to the staff, Bob! Ada, go fetch him his complementary gift basket!"

"That's Krauser's job!"

"DOOOOO IT!"

Ada grumbled and left to go get a complementary gift basket. It didn't take long before three tyrants came walking over to Wesker. One was Nemesis, one was Mr. X, and the other was the T-002 that impaled Wesker from the first game. "Oh look, if it isn't Tweedledum, Tweedledoodum, and Tweedledeedum!" Wesker laughed.

"We can prove our worth, boss!" Nemesis pleaded.

Wesker heaved a sigh. "Fine, you and Mr. X can go help Krauser and Hunk dig up beetles!"

"Why beetles?" Mr. X asked.

"Don't back talk me!" Wesker ordered, kicking the tyrants in the stomach. "Now go!"

The T-002 remained. He tried to twiddle his thumbs, but one of his thumbs was a huge claw and it didn't work out too well. Wesker scratched his head again. "What's your name again?"

"Rocko!"

"Alright, Rocko! Go…uhh…tend to my garden!"

Rocko gasped. "You have a garden?"

"A garden of death! Mwahahahahaha…no really, it's in the back and needs some manure on it."

"Okay, boss!"

"Here, Bob! I got your gift basket!"

Pyramid Head dropped his Cloud Strife sword, which crushed Nicholai's toe and made him yelp. Bob clapped his hands together. "GIFT BASKET!"

"Wait a minute…what happened to my pit hole of death?" Wesker asked, looking around.

Bob snorted. "It's probably in some guy's bathroom."

Wesker and Ada were confused by Pyramid Head's remark. He slapped his metal head with a sigh. "Never mind…"

Nemesis was running in, screaming like a girl. "She's here! She's here!"

"Who's here?" Wesker asked.

Jill Valentine came rushing in dressed in her Resident Evil 3 attire. She had a gun and she aimed it at Nemesis, who put his hands up to show he meant no harm. "Chill out, crazy lady! I don't hunt S.T.A.R.S anymore!"

"You want stars? I'll give you stars!" Jill roared. She started bashing Nemesis's head. He yelled ouch over and over again until she knocked him out.

"Ohhhhh, pretty birdies," Nemesis giggled.

"Dammit! I meant to give him stars!" Jill grumbled, slapping herself in the face.

"Jill, what are you doing in my headquarters of doom?" Wesker sighed.

"Oh, sorry…I don't know what came over myself. How have you been anyway?"

"Well, actually I have been….wait a minute, why am I having a conversation with you? Get out before I feed you to my Hunters! Bob! Destroy her!"

"Not yet," Bob sighed. He looked at his wristwatch. "The church siren hasn't gone off yet."

"What?"

"Well, that gives me a good enough excuse to leave!" Jill laughed. "See ya, peeps!"

"That was awkward and downright weird," Ada sighed, shaking her head.

"Tell me about it….GOAT!" The Russian ran to the computer screen that was showing a clip of two goats playing in a yard.

"I am surrounded by idiots…" Ada cried.

"What else was on my "to do" list today?" Wesker inquired. "Oh yeah! I need a pet of evil!"

"A pet of…evil?" Ada asked.

"Yes! Don't you realize that every major bad guy in movies and stuff have awesome evil pets? Like attack dogs, wild animals, or cute cats?"

Wesker clapped his hands together. Steve Burnside came rushing in while wearing a French maid outfit. He came straight to Wesker. "Yes sir?"

"Get me…a cat of doom!"

"Cat of doom?"

"Well, just a cat…I could add the doom later," Wesker answered.

"What breed, sir?"

"Just a cat!"

Steve ran out, and then came back with a white cat. "No, no, that white hair will stand out on my black clothes!"

Steve left and came back with a black cat. "No, no, that will be too much black! The heroes won't know it's there in my lap!"

Steve left and came back with a Sphinx. The hairless, pinkish brown skinned cat blinked up at Wesker with green eyes and crazy alien ears. Wesker grabbed the cat and held it up into the air like the cubs the in Lion King.

"It's the circle of life! This is it! My kitty cat of doom!"

"It looks like a failed experiment!" Ada snorted with laughter.

The cat hissed at her. Wesker laughed while stroking its back. "His name will be Skittles and he shall be mine!"

"Glad you like him, sir!" Steve giggled.

Wesker kicked Steve in the head. "Get out of here, you baby!"

Krauser came rushing in with Hunk and Mr. X. "I got the beetle! Holy hell what is that in your arms?"

"It's Skittles! My attack cat!" Wesker answered, grinning.

"It's a cat? Looks like a bald alien rat."

"Maybe I should have a 'Beware of the Cat' sign up somewhere," Wesker said, tapping his chin.

"Oh geez, please don't do that…it might cause some confusion."

Flashback to one of Krauser and Leon's missions together…

They came upon the property line, where the sign read 'Beware of the Dog'. Leon and Krauser watched as a huge Rottweiler and a tiny Chihuahua came running to the fence, barking and snarling.

"Oh me gawd! Which dog is it talking about? It says beware of THE dog…but which one?" Leon gasped.

"I'm sure it is talking about the Rottweiler…I mean it can kill ya…the Chihuahua…hmmm not so much."

"But rabid Chihuahuas are mankind's most feared creations!" Leon cried.

"Leon…Rottweiler that weighs 120 pounds or a Chihuahua that weighs 5 pounds?" Krauser heaved.

"But that Chihuahua looks absolutely terrifying!"

Krauser snapped, grabbing Leon and throwing him over into the fence. Both dogs attacked him and Krauser tore down the 'Beware of the Dog' sign.

End of Flashback…

"All of you get out! You are all annoying me and Three's Company is coming on! It's the one where Jack gets into trouble and the girls have to get him out of it, but then they get dragged into trouble as well!" Wesker ordered.

"Oi," Ada grumbled, leaving with the others.

A/N: Hmm...awkward...Lol, I couldn't help but to put Pyramid Head from Silent Hill in here...yes and I named him Bob! :) And yes, various scary movie villains popped up as well as FAINTING GOATS! Aw, fainting goats are hilarious...I really do feel sorry for Ada in this chapter...surrounded by imbeciles. Oh yes, and the tyrants will be in here more too lol. Well, I hope all of you enjoyed this short, crazy chapter! Good day! :)