Chapter 6: Strangers in the Night

Two days had passed since the plane had crash landed on the island. The two groups had stuck mostly together, trying to build shelters and find food. Their main source of food was coconuts, fish, some strange berries, various bugs, and rodents. Leon was good at climbing and falling out of trees to forage for the fruit. Ada made all the men adore her by her awesome fishing skills. Rebecca wailed out a shrieking war cry before using a stick to beat down crawling bugs. At the moment, it was night, and only the bright stars and moon gave them enough light as Wesker tried his hand at making a campfire.

"This is horrendous! I cannot live like this!" Wesker yelled, eye twitching as he tried to start the fire. "How did the cavemen do it?"

"Let's call up the cavemen who do the Geico commercials all the time and ask them!" Bob chuckled; he was building a sand castle on the beach.

"We need to repopulate the human race, I'm telling you! We are the last ones! Claire, Ada, and Rebecca are the only women capable!" Leon shouted.

He was slammed in the head by Jill's fist. "Why do you keep forgetting to add me to the list of women you jerk?"

"Because Chris already called dibs on you!"

Chris eyes widened, choking on the coconut juice and quickly made himself as small as possible. He slinked away from the group just as Jill blew up even more and started hunting for him.

"Will you all calm down? We are not the last of the human population," Ada sighed, reading a half burned magazine she had saved from the plane.

"Yeah but if no one comes to find us here on the island, we could be stuck here forever! We will have to make our own tribe with a leader and poking each other with sticks and everything!" Barry cried. He then let out a sorrowful wail, throwing his fish bones and coconut shells down that he was trying to make a sandwich out of. "I need a damn sandwich! I'm having withdrawals!"

"We are going to have to find a wider range of food," sighed Rebecca. "I am going to die if I have to eat anymore bugs, or berries that make you have to go number two right away!"

They all blinked at her. Rebecca's eyes grew wide. "Well, they do!"

Chris snapped his fingers. "I know! Since it is night, I can gather a hunting party and go deeper into the jungle to see if we can find anything better for food! I'm a genius!"

"I hope you perish in there," Wesker chuckled. "So, who will your hunting party be made of?"

"Hmm," Chris sighed, rubbing his chin in thought and glancing around the two groups. "I can use Sherry as bait…let's see…the Tyrants can hunt pretty well…"

He tried to ignore Leon's flailing arm as the excited young man tried to get Chris to choose him too. Chris went onward through the group. "How about Nicholai and Hunk too?"

"I'm in! I like killing things!" HUNK giggled.

"One time I went to a convention and met Solid Snake there…or was it Naked Snake?" Nicholai began.

"No, no I think it was Liquid Snake," HUNK sighed.

"No, it was Solidous, duh!"

"Liquidous?"

"Oh whatever, whichever Snake it was taught me the Snake Eater game, and so I can hunt very well and eat raw animals! Isn't that wonderful?" Nicholai chuckled.

"Great! That can come in handy!" Chris laughed, jumping up and down. He then glared down at Wesker. "Are you ever going to get that fire going or what?"

"Shut up! I almost got it!" Wesker retorted. He tried and tried, but still no flame. Finally, Sherry came over to him and pulled out a lighter. "What the hell? Where'd you get this?"

"I found it in the remains of the plane. It works!" Sherry giggled.

Wesker's eye twitched again. "I've been sitting here for over an hour trying to get this campfire going and you kept this to yourself?"

"Yep!"

"You're grounded!"

Sherry started crying, running off to join Chris as he gathered the hunting party. He counted the heads in his small group. There was Sherry, Mr. X, Rocko, Nemesis, HUNK, and Nicholai, as well as himself. He gave a thumbs up to the others.

"Alright! Jill's in charge! We will be back if we haven't been eaten by some crazy monster hiding in the jungle!"

"Take care!" Claire called, waving.

"I wanted to go!" Leon pouted.

"I did it! I'm the master of all fire!" Wesker cackled, raising his arms triumphantly into the air.

Ada gave him a dull look. "You had a lighter do it for you, dummy."

"You're right," Wesker sighed, shoulders sagging. "I was not meant to be a caveman in my life."

"Can we please cook Itchy?" Barry sighed. "I'm starving!"

"No one is laying a hand on cute little Itchy!" Rebecca demanded.

"Yeah, besides, he is a rotting zombie dog! How nutritious can he be?" Leon snorted.

Barry started crying again, reaching over to grab a large fish head that he had been talking to since they first caught some fish. "It's alright Bob! We will get more food!"

"But I'm not hungry," Pyramid Head said as he finished up his sand castle.

"Not you! I meant Fish Head Bob! Oh I know, Bob! I know! We are surrounded by idiots!"

"O…kay," Wesker sighed, getting to his feet and dusting himself off. He started to head off away from the others but soon he realized the women were following him. He stopped, looking behind him. Jill, Claire, Ada, and Rebecca pretended that he wasn't there.

Wesker scrunched his eyebrows and started walking again. He heard the women quickly gliding through the sand with him. When he stopped and spun again, they turned to each other, trying to be as natural as possible while playing with their hair and picking their noses.

"Why are you following me?" Wesker sighed.

"We aren't following you!" Rebecca yelled, eyes wide and shaking her head. Wesker didn't buy it at all.

"Follow you?" Jill laughed softly. "Why would we want to follow you?"

There came a very loud, dark menacing groan from the nearby jungle. All the women screamed and leaped onto Wesker. Rebecca clung to his leg, Claire and Jill grabbed his arms, and Ada leaped onto his back. Soon a new weight was added, and Wesker glared at Leon as he clung to his other leg. He shook them all off.

"What is the matter with all of you? Why are you clinging to me?" Wesker grumbled, straightening his shirt as the women and Leon backed away.

"There's something in the forest!" Rebecca squeaked.

"You're the only real man around here!"

Wesker chuckled. "Well, I know that but-"

"Great!" Jill laughed, slapping a spear into his hand. "Now go out there and protect us lovely women…and Leon…from whatever is out there! It's your job as a man, Wesker!"

"Yes! As a man!" Claire gulped.

Wesker squinted at them. "Wait a minute. Something smells fishy here…"

"Oh sorry, it's just Fish Head Bob," Barry chuckled, suddenly standing beside Wesker and making the super villain jump.

"What's going on here?" Pyramid Head asked, walking up. "Are we having a group hug that I don't know about?"

"Wesker was just on his way to protect us from whatever is making that scary noise out there in the jungle! It could have already eaten Chris and the others!" Rebecca blurted.

"And what do I get in return for protecting all of you? We aren't usually on the same side, you know," Wesker asked, folding his arms and glaring at the women suspiciously.

"Uhh…Ada will sleep with you!" Jill quickly answered.

"Please, been there done that," Wesker snorted in laughter. He quickly composed himself after receiving a death glare from his sidekick.

"Claire will!" Jill blurted out before Claire could say Jill's name.

"Hey! I called dibs on Claire for the whole repopulation thing!" Leon argued. Claire punched him in the face.

"In that case, I will be on my way!" Wesker laughed maniacally, using his superhuman speed to rush off of the beach and into the jungle.

"JILL!" Claire roared.

Chris hid behind the tree, drenched in sweat as the creature moaned out in hunger and bloodlust. He was separated from the others, but mostly Chris realized that they must have run away in their cowardice to face the creature. It had been too dark to see it. Chris was dumb and forgot torches.

The beast was getting closer and closer. Chris panicked, screaming his head off and running for it. He ran into a few trees but kept going. He could hear the creature right at his heels. He slammed into a body and fell on his butt.

"Watch it!" Chris hissed.

"You ran into me!" Wesker replied.

"What are you doing out here?"

"If I destroy whatever is out here scaring the women then I will…wait a minute…how did they know a monster was out here anyways?"

"Beats me, but it's coming up fast!" Chris cried, hiding behind Wesker.

They braced for it, but soon Wesker was gawking and rubbing his eyes as he saw Brad Vickers walk into the glade with a bleeding finger. "Man, this really hurts! Chris, you need to watch where you are swiping that knife of yours!"

"Brad?" Chris grunted. "As in…Chickenheart?"

"Yes?" Brad asked, puzzled. "Hi Captain Wesker!"

"You're supposed to be dead!" Wesker and Chris yelled in unison.

"I know! But I'm not! Isn't that awesome? Wow, this cut really hurts!"

"Mind explaining why you aren't dead?" Chris asked.

"Wait! You were the one making all those groaning noises the women were afraid of?" Wesker inquired. "Figures…"

"I could really use a band-aid! I'm gonna faint if I see much more of my blood!" Brad cried.

Soon the remaining members of Chris's hunting party showed back up, and were also shocked to see Brad Vickers alive and well and crying over his bleeding finger.

"Hey! Didn't I kill you with my hand penis?" Nemesis asked, scratching his head.

"Yeah, you dumb, sick bully!" Brad yelled. He kicked Nemesis in the shin, but the tyrant didn't feel a thing. Instead, Brad cried out in pain, forgetting about his finger to jump on one foot. "Owie!"

"Alright, alright, let's just get back to camp so he can explain what the hell is going on," Wesker said, waving them along.

"Wait! I'm not alone!" Brad yelled.

"Who else is with you?" Chris asked.

They heard munching and crunching. Out of the shadows came another man. Wesker's eye twitched yet again while Chris squinted his eyes at the familiar man.

"I know him from somewhere…like a picture or a hotel room or something," Chris mumbled.

The man was wearing a white lab coat, with messy blonde hair and twinkling green eyes. He was busy munching on some fried slices of something Chris couldn't identify, but damn they smelled good!

"Hello! I'm William Birkin!"

"Daddy!" Sherry yelled happily, running forth to embrace her not so dead father. "You aren't dead! Does that mean Mommy is still alive too?"

"No, sweetie, Mommy is still burning in hell!" William laughed, ruffling the girl's hair. "The only way I got out of burning in hell was that I made a time machine! Somehow this weirdo Brad here got mixed up in the transaction when I accidentally sent the time machine to some Montana town having a Testy Festy!"

"A Testy…what?" Chris asked, confused.

William held out his paper plate of fried meat. "Want some cowboy caviar?"

"What?"

"Oh, maybe you know them by Rocky Mountain oysters? Or Montana tender groins?"

"What the hell are you talking about you psycho?" Chris asked.

"Bull testicles! You know! The Testicle Festival! Duh! That's what I meant when I said Testy Festy!"

Chris became green. "I think my tender groins just became sick."

"Albert! Long time no see buddy! Want some?"

"No thanks, William! Now let's get to camp so you can explain your time machine experience!"

"Okie dokie!"

The group made their way back to the beach where their shelters and camp were set up. The women, Leon, Barry, and Bob greeted them, but were surprised to see two faces who were supposed to be dead. Jill, Claire, and Rebecca immediately started babying Brad, who took to the attention quite well and made some of the other men jealous.

"Ada! I have missed you!" William laughed, holding out his arms to hug the woman but before he could get his arms around her, Wesker grabbed his arm and tore him away.

"Alright, Will. So explain to us how you and Brad are alive right now."

They all gathered around while William contemplated for a moment. "Okay, so I was sitting down and watching Three's Company…that episode where Jack, Chrissy and Janet have this crazy misunderstanding with the Ropers…anyways, and then it hit me! There was something magical about my washing machine, so I decided to use it to invent a time machine!"

"That's it?" Wesker asked dully.

"A washing time machine! Hahahahahhaa," William laughed.

"Why do I bother?" Wesker sighed, turning away to rub his temples.

"This is an outrage! Brad and William are just providing two more mouths to feed, and they are men! We need more women to repopulate the earth!" Leon yelled.

"Will you stop with that? No one is reproducing!" Jill demanded.

All the men hung their heads, kicking sand. "Awwww!"

"So you guys didn't find any food out there?" Rebecca asked.

"Nope! Sorry!" Rocko piped up.

"There was this wicked looking monster though!" Nemesis laughed. "Scared the piss right out of me!"

They turned their attention to the tyrant. "WHAT?"

"Yeah! It was huge with sharp teeth and claws! It hissed at me and then asked if I wanted to go have some chocolate milk at its cave! I bailed for it! It was really hard because I really like chocolate milk!" Nemesis explained, getting emotional.

"Sounds like something we should check out!" Chris exclaimed.

"Yes, indeed. Will, when you finish eating your slices of testicles come and find me by that log over there," Wesker sighed, walking off.

"Uhh, okay, sure!"

"So, who is going to find this crazy monster with chocolate milk?" Jill asked.

The Tyrants turned away. Nicholai started whistling and playing with his knife, and then pointed to the jungle, eyes widening. "Goat! I mean I have to take a piss!"

"Uh, me too!" HUNK called, running after Nicholai. The Tyrants bailed after them as well.

"I am gonna go stuff sand down Wesker's pants!" Chris laughed nervously, taking off down the beach. He was cackling like a mad cow. Yes, mad cows cackle…sheesh…

Leon dug himself a hole in the sand and jumped in. He was quick to bury himself.

"Really, do we women have more balls than all these men?" Jill crumbled.

"I can believe that!" Brad exclaimed, laughing nervously.

"Fine. Then let's show these men whose boss!" Claire raved.

"Yeah!" Rebecca hollered, raising her fist.

"Whatever," Ada mumbled, reluctantly getting up to follow them into the jungle.

"Those brave, brave souls," William sighed, finishing his testicle slices. He wiped his hands on his lab coat. "Alright, better go see what evil plan Al has come up with now!"

"But Daddy!" Sherry called.

"Not now son, I'm busy!" William giggled, walking off.

"But I'm a girl!"

"That's nice, son!"

Sherry started crying. Pyramid Head was instantly by her side, opening his arms. If he didn't have a huge, rusty metal helmet on his head, he could probably be seen smiling. "Does someone need a hug?"

Sherry kicked Bob in the nuts, running off by herself. The demon of hell dropped to his knees, losing air and slamming his helmet head into the sand. "Ow!"

Barry held the fish head up to his ear, listened for a moment, and then nodded his head. "Yep. I bet that hurt too Bob!"

"Can you name that fish head something else? I'm Bob, dammit!" Pyramid Head wailed.

"But he said that was his name!" Barry replied, holding his fish head close.

"It doesn't speak, Barry! You're insane!"

"Bob, he's crazy!"

"I'm Bob!"

"So is Bob!"

"That's it! I'm not giving you any hugs!"

Barry was quivering his lip now, giving a puppy dog pout. "W-what? Why?"

"Yeah! Instead I am going to kill you with this gigantic sword that I can barely carry!" Pyramid Head yelled, grabbing his massive Buster Sword that he stole from Cloud Strife from some other dimension.

Barry squealed, getting up and taking off with Fish Head Bob in his hand. Pyramid Head was right on his heels, well…okay so he was far behind trying to drag that huge sword around the beach.

"Where did all the women go?" Wesker asked, scratching his head as William came up to him.

"Aren't you worried about the guys too?" William asked.

"Who cares? Where did the women go?"

"They went after the scary monster to prove they have more balls than us."

Wesker gasped. "Those witches! We have to beat them to it!"

"But I would rather not be eaten tonight!" William whined.

Chris was snickering quietly, grabbing a fistful of sand and tiptoeing up to Wesker. He tripped over the log they were standing over and got caught. But as Wesker was asking Chris what he was doing, Chris hollered out and grabbed Wesker's pants to pull them away and dump sand in his pants.

"Gotcha! That's one for the heroes and zero for the losers!"

Chris started running back towards the campfire but tripped over a crab and face planted into the sand. Wesker was dancing trying to get all the sand out of his pants while William blinked in confusion.

"Did I miss something?" Will asked.

"Yes! We need to destroy him! But first, let's get a swig of coconut juice and go beat the women to that monster!"

"Sounds good!"

A/N: Wow...was I on drugs or what? XD Hmm, so who is going to reach this mystery monster first? The women? Or the men? Well, the women have more brains, lol. I had a blast writing this chapter for some reason, lmao. Hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I did! Tootles! :)