Chapter 8: Titanic II

Wesker was glad to finally find a belt to where he didn't have to hold up his pants anymore. He was watching television in his suite on the cruise liner. Ada, Rocko, Mr. X, Nemesis, Krauser, Nicholai and Hunk were all hanging out with him. Chris and his team of goody two shoes were off doing their own thing. Wesker shook his head at the Trix commercial where again, the poor rabbit was not able to get any of the cereal.

"I know how you feel, little Trix rabbit. Always so close to that very special item you wish to get in your grasps and devour like crack, but stupid idiotic children with their snide banter and pet Furbies always ruin it."

"Did you say something?" Ada asked, looking up from her magazine.

Wesker burst into tears. "WHY CAN'T THE RABBIT JUST GET THE TRIX JUST ONCE? Or Wile E. Coyote? All he wants is supper, but that stupid Roadrunner is always getting away, and, and, and flaunting him! With his little BEEP BEEP! It's sickening!"

"What did I tell you about taking your rash cream before dinner?" Ada grumbled, glaring at Wesker.

"Go get me some Napoleon ice cream!" Wesker whined.

"Napoleon?" Ada inquired, giving him a dull look.

"Ya! That little French midget conqueror…like little Salazar…only he is Spanish and Napoleon is French, and he made ice cream."

"You mean Neapolitan, jackass," Ada sighed, getting to her feet.

"Which is actually Italian! Naples…which rhymes with nipples I mean maples," Krauser said.

The intercom of the ship came on, getting everyone's attention. The voice was of a man, though he sounded kind of girly, and very familiar. "Hello you peasants! Welcome aboard the Titanic II! History will hopefully not repeat itself with this replica honoring the old ship that supposedly was unsinkable but then God showed his humorous side and sunk it like a can of tuna! Anyways, there is a free salad with every meal down in the ship's main restaurant. There are all kinds of games, dancing, activities, etc until our sail to Antarctica is complete! If you have any questions please ask the ship's butler, Nosferatu, and please take time to go into the bowels of the ship to see our one of a kind zombie dolphin! Thank you and enjoy your stay on the Titanic II!"

Rocko snickered. "He said bowels."

"Boy, that guy kinda sounded familiar," Wesker said.

"Did he just say Titanic II?" Ada asked, eye twitching.

"Who cares about that, they have a zombie dolphin!" Nemesis exclaimed excitedly.

They all got to their feet, eager to go see the zombie dolphin before Wesker yelled out at them to stop. "Wait! He said Nosferatu was the butler…that's such a funny name for a butler."

"Maybe he's Australian?" Krauser inquired, scratching his head.

"Crap! We're heading for Antarctica!" Ada yelled, jumping up and down.

Wesker rubbed his chin. "Hmm…Antarctica…ant…arctica….Nosferatu…nose Ferrari…girly man voice…zombie Flipper." Wesker snapped his fingers. "Hot diggity that was Alfred on the intercom!"

"Which means?" Hunk asked.

"Which means his hot sister Alexia is on this ship somewhere! Goodbye!" Wesker snickered, leaving the suite immediately.

Ada glared after him. "I hope she sets you on fire again, you jerk!"

"So, what do you think this ship's chance of hitting another iceberg is?" Mr. X asked.

Ada waved him off. "We're by the Bahamas, you idiot. There are no icebergs."

"But we are heading for Antarctica," Hunk stated.

"Then we better round up Chris and the others so we can stop the Ashford twins and get our butts back in the Bahamas before we become penguins."

Rocko meekly raised his clawed hand. "I always wanted to be a penguin."

"Well, I don't blame you. Penguins are cute and you look like your mom gave birth to you through her ass, and the father was a walrus," Krauser snorted.

"Hey!" Rocko cried.

Ada led the way as she and the others headed out to located Chris and his team. Wesker was long gone, on his hunt for Alexia. It didn't take long for them to find Chris and his team out on deck in their swimming trunks tanning and eating. There was a tour guide pointing at various things on either side of the ship.

"Over there you have the Bahamas, so close, yet so very far. And over here, you can see Ashleyzilla destroying the port."

They heard a loud roar, followed by the sounds of cries, buildings be crushed by feet, and fire. Chris had a grin on his face, wearing sunglasses and a glob of sunscreen on his nose.

"Ahh, this is the life."

Ada opened her mouth to pour out the problem, but then she was barreled over by Leon, who was running past in only swimming trunks and sunglasses, with hot girls screaming and chasing him. He was crying like a baby, running all over the deck with them pursuing.

"My hotness is too much!" he yelled.

Ada grumbled something, dusting herself off and getting to her feet. "Alright, Chris. Round up your team of goodness and peace so we can work together to stop Alfred."

"I have no idea what you are talking about…please leave a message after the beep…BEEEEEEP."

Ada's eye twitched, and she butterfly kicked him right out of his tanning chair. "Front and center, dufus!"

Ada called the rest of Chris's team over, and they huddled like a football team. "Okay, so everyone remembers the Ashford twins right?"

"You mean the tranny twins?" Jill snickered.

"Yes. Well, Alfred has us on this ship, called the Titanic II."

"Isn't that the ship that Luke Skywalker crashed into the Bermuda Triangle?" Barry asked, scratching his beard.

Ada held out her hand, in which Hunk slapped a tuna fish sandwich down. Ada wiggled the sandwich in front of Barry, whose eyes bulged and he started panting like a dog.

"Here boy, here Barry, Barry, Barry! Go fetch the tuna sandwich!" Ada said sweetly, and tossed the sandwich overboard.

"SANDWICH!" Barry cried, diving over the railing of the deck. They heard a loud splash a moment later.

"Holy crap, we're gonna die! This is the Titanic!" Jill cried.

"Rocko, smack her with a halibut!"

The tyrant slapped Jill with a halibut.

"Okay, so we're supposed to be in the Bahamas, but Alfred is taking us to Antarctica," Ada continued.

"Where Santa Claus lives?" Chris inquired, looking confused and scratching his head. "But it isn't Christmas."

"That's the North Pole, you idiot," Hunk stated.

"Ohhhhhh."

Ada heaved a very annoyed and exasperated sigh. "The point is, we have to stop Alfred from taking this ship to Antarctica, because we are supposed to be going to the Bahamas."

"Where's Wesker?" Claire asked, looking between the group of baddies.

Ada glared at her. "What's that supposed to mean? Huh? You have to know where he is every second of the day? You need to see what color underwear he has on? What he sings in the shower? Huh? Do ya?"

Claire made herself smaller. "No…crazy lady."

"Well, if it makes you guys happy, our boss is currently hunting down Alexia to try and woo her like 800 other times that he failed miserably in."

Chris chuckled softly. "She said woo…"

"Slap him with a trout, Mr. X!"

"Uhh, we're at sea…no trout."

"Lobster then!"

Mr. X slapped Chris with a lobster.

"Ouch!"

"Who wants to go get Leon from the hot girls?" Ada sighed.

Everyone instantly disappeared, leaving only dust. Ada growled in annoyance, moving on to go fight off the women who were hunting Leon down and distracting the poor sap.

Wesker searched the ship for Alexia, but alas came up shorthanded. He bumped into the Merchant a few times, and Wesker felt that the strange man was following him. It was then he saw Nosferatu limping up ahead with a tray of goodies. Wesker grinned, walking over to the man that was turned into a disgusting experiment by his psycho daughter Alexia.

"Mr. Ashford, how great it is to see you again! Did you do something to your hair?"

"Gerf."

"Huh? I don't speak Chewbacca."

"Gerf."

Wesker tossed his hands, frustrated. "Great, forgot he was an illegal immigrant. Listen, Nosy! Where is your hot daughter?"

Nosferatu pointed behind Wesker. "Gerf."

Wesker spun around, grinning and expecting Alexia, but his eyes widened as he saw mutated Lisa Trevor stumbling down the hallway moaning his name.

"Eeeek!" Wesker spun around and took off running, knocking down Nosferatu and leaving a trail of dust behind him.

Wesker was able to make it back to his suite, entering it and slamming the door behind him. He whistled in relief, but then realized that Ada had Chris and his team crowded in the living room. Wesker felt his eye twitch, and he growled in annoyance walking over to Ada as his team of villains argued with Chris's team of heroes.

Wesker folded his arms Ricky Ricardo style. "Ada! You got some 'splainin' to do!"

Ada made a face. "Eeeehhhh."

"Ada gathered us so we could work together at taking the Ashford twins down before they haul us to Antarctica!" Rebecca spoke up.

"Been there! Done that! Boring!" Claire exclaimed.

"Yeah, you were such a little brat having to rescue you! What did I tell you about getting caught by Umbrella goons while out shopping?" Chris sighed.

"And then she had to lose her Canadian boyfriend," Leon chuckled.

"He wasn't Canadian! His voice just hadn't changed yet!" Claire defended.

"You mean Steve Burnside?" Nicholai chuckled.

Wesker stroked his chin. "I wonder how well he is keeping my evil lair while we are away."

Back at Wesker's Evil Headquarters of Doom

"Okay, Mr. Froo Froo! Tea Time!" Steve laughed while wearing his maid's outfit. He poured some tea for the gigantic pink teddy bear. There was also a doll, Bill Murray, and a Licker.

"Wait a minute…I didn't invite you, Licky!"

The Licker hissed at him, shooting out its tongue and letting the long organ wrap around his torso. The Licker proceeded to slap Steve on the ground over and over again with Steve crying in pain.

Back to the Titanic II

Wesker chuckled. "Nah, I bet he's doing fine."

"Alright, everyone, settle down!" Ada yelled. "We have to figure out what we are going to do to stop the Ashfords! Let's get to work!"

"You aren't going to make us sing a Disney song first about how much the world is great, and how friendship always prevails, and princesses have disorders before we go do the big plan, are you?" Hunk asked.

Everyone else started to snicker. Ada glared at him. "No, that's Claire's gig, not mine. Now, do you want me to take a swordfish to slap your face with, or are you going to shut up and start planning?"

Wesker glared at her. "I'm the leader! I get to boss everyone around, not you!"

"Yeah, so when Alexia does show up, you become goo-goo eyed and start giggling? I don't think so!"

"She's not even that attractive! I mean, she turned into a giant bug for crying out loud!" Chris put in.

"Oh, yeah, well you work out too much!" Wesker defended. "You look like…like a white gorilla with no hair!"

Chris gasped dramatically. "Well, at least I don't have cat eyes! Are you part Siamese or something?"

Wesker folded his arms. "Siamese cats happen to have blue eyes! Do I have blue eyes? No! But you have duck feet!"

"No I have crow's feet cuz I'm getting old!" Chris corrected.

Wesker grabbed a bottle of Vitameatavegimen that came out of nowhere. "Take this and go buff up some more!"

Chris snatched it from his hands, highly annoyed. "I will! I'll show all of you! This weird stuff that vaguely looks familiar from some sort of TV classic has vitamins, minerals, meat, vegetables and 23% alcohol! It's perfect for someone who poops at parties, like you! Wimp!"

"It's poop out at parties, and I bet you don't even have a package anymore after all those steroids you took!" Wesker retorted.

"Awkward…" Jill mumbled.

"No, really! He ordered a package from Amazon! And since he started taking the steroids, it never showed up in the mail!" Wesker exclaimed, waving his hands frantically.

"That's because the guy only had 3 out of 4 stars and only had an 80-something percent on time rating! I bet you blackmailed him or something not to send it to me!" Chris argued.

Heads were going back and forth as the rest of the others went from Chris to Wesker in their arguing fit. It started out from one subject, until they were arguing about something that was hardly on course.

"Dental hygiene is very important!" Wesker exclaimed.

"I never disagreed with that, but what the hell is up with dinosaurs being mascots for that kinda stuff? I mean do they really think the dinosaurs knew how to floss or brush their teeth? Toothbrushes weren't even invented back then!" Chris argued.

"ALRIGHT! Shut the hell up!" Ada yelled, rubbing her temples. "Now that I have a dang headache, can we please get to work on stopping the Ashford twins?"

The intercom came on in the room, catching everyone's attention. "Excuse me dear passengers, this is Alfred Ash…I mean Fonzie…ahem…anyways, we are experiencing technical difficulties right now…please leave your message after the beep…BEEEEEEP. Oh, and we are about to crash into a random iceberg in the middle of tropical water! Now that's global warming! Please brace yourself for impact, because it looks as though Titanic II is going to sink just like the original. In ten minutes, alarms will start going off, and then you can proceed to scream in terrified anguish and run around like chickens! Good day!"

No sooner had the intercom went off did the ship crash into something, throwing everyone off their feet and rolling along the room and metal screamed and twisted. They tumbled with the furniture, Wesker landing right on Ada and crushing the air from her lungs.

"Ada! You broke my fall! What a darling you are!" Wesker laughed.

"Get off, you're blocking my airway with your ass!"

"Oh sorry!"

"We're all gonna die!" Claire exclaimed as water started rushing in.

"Get some buckets! Throw it back outside!" Chris ordered.

"That's a genius plan, Chris! Let's do it!" Leon called.

The two retarded heroes got buckets and started scooping up water and ran out of the rooms to the deck to dump it overboard, then come back and get some more. The women and Wesker watched dully as the two men worked. Even the tyrants were trying to help them keep the water out.

"Let's leave them to drown," Jill sighed.

"Agreed," Ada, Rebecca, Claire, and Wesker stated in unison and left. Hunk, Krauser, and Nicholai followed behind them.

They started searching the sinking ship for Alfred. They first had to trick Nosferatu and Lisa Trevor over board, in which they landed right on the large iceberg. Leon, Chris, and the tyrants shortly caught up after that, sweating like pigs, even though pigs don't sweat. It's just an expression.

"It's no use! We just can't get enough water out before more comes in, and we tried using the girls' underwear and socks to block the hole!" Chris exclaimed.

"You did what?" the women screamed.

Leon grinned up at the towering iceberg. A polar bear drinking a Coca-Cola waved down at him, and the agent waved back. "I wonder how they get lettuce out of an iceberg…that always confused me."

"Look! There's Alfred!" Ada yelled, pointing overboard.

Alfred was in a kiddy tube that was made to look like a giraffe. The zombie dolphin was swimming around him and making those funny noises that dolphins do.

"Stop right there or my zombie dolphin will eat all of you!" Alfred called up at them.

"Well, we have a zombie puppy! Where's Itchy?" Rebecca retorted, she turned to Leon.

"Why are you looking at me?"

"He chewed on your leg all the time!"

"Maybe he got squished by Ashleyzilla, who by the way is still destroying that port, oh never mind she is getting into the water. Holy crap, she is back to her normal self and in a bikini!" Leon yelled, pointing.

The men screamed like girls and ran back inside the ship. Ada pulled out a rocket launcher from out of nowhere, positioning it on her shoulder to aim at Alfred.

"I'm gonna blast you off like Team Rocket!" she yelled.

"Not before I gas you with sleeping gas!" Alfred defended.

They were confused until Leon picked up a robot skunk and gave the biggest puppy dog face to them. "Awww, this little robot skunk is so-ahhhhh!"

The tail raised up and gas flushed out, hitting all of them and making everything go back. Wesker and Ada fell against each other's back, slowly letting them slide down to the floor.

"Nighty night," Ada yawned.

"Don't let the bed bugs bite…and by that I mean the actual BOW bed bugs I made like last week…they eat the entire bed and steal jelly from the fridge," Wesker mumbled.

"Did you say something about eating a bed with jelly on it?"

They passed out after that, Alfred's evil giggles echoing out as the ship continued to sink.

A/N: Sorry for the wait on this chapter! I meant to get it out sooner lol. Well, this just goes to show that if they ever make a Titanic II, please citizens do not get on it! Instead, load up all your local politicians, hobos, village idiots, dumbasses who shouldn't reproduce, and so on cuz the list can go on, and then let the ship sail! So, what is going to happen to our unfortunate pack of heroes and villains now? That's yet to be determined! Oh, and there is alot of randomness in this chapter, and for those that noticed all the old TV show references...well I blame sitting up late watching I Love Lucy, Happy Days, and Three's Company while being hyper off of junk food and loopy from pain pills! Ahem...anyways, hope you all enjoyed this chapter! It was fun writing! Thanks for reading and reviewing! :)