Chapter 9: Dreams for Dummies

Chris's Dream…take one…ACTION!

Chris did not understand how he ended up backstage of a strange, huge auditorium. He could hear thousands of people cheering and someone singing on stage. He looked down at his attire. He was wearing a blue tube top and a tight black skirt, brown knee high boots, and a white jacket was tied around his waist.

He giggled because it tickled him for some reason. "This is weird!"

"Hey!" came a male's voice. "You're up next! Get ready!"

"Ready for what?" Chris asked, turning around. There was a zombie with a headset and walky-talky in hand. He was trying to write down something on his clipboard before Chris nailed him with a loose plank.

"Die zombie!"

This loud musical theme that was very catchy started playing throughout backstage, echoing from the stage itself. Chris ran over to where he could peek out on stage. He saw Leon in a tuxedo, smiling with sparkly teeth and he was looking not only out to the massive audience, but to the cameras that were rolling.

"Alright, next on Resident Idol we got Chris Redfield singing Lady Gaga!" Leon called out, pointing towards Chris.

"Hell yeah, I love Lady Gaga!" Chris chuckled, running out onto stage as Paparazzi began playing.

Chris wasn't the greatest dancer. He wasn't the greatest singer either. He was tripping and running into his fellow dancers as he cried the lyrics and fell on his face a few times. He sure was having a blast though, just like how he sang it in the shower. When the song was over, Chris was catching his breath. Leon the host was walking up with a couple of women under his shoulders. Leon ended up pushing them off of stage and straightened his tie as he came over to Chris.

Chris was now looking at the three judges sitting right off stage with their fancy microphones and drink glasses. First up was Barry to the far left.

"I don't know, dog. I wasn't getting it so much, dog. It was alright for me, dog. Don't worry, dog. I doubt you will get voted off, dog. Thanks for the performance, dog!"

Next was Jill. Her face was as calm as could be before she suddenly burst into tears with Barry having to pat her back. "That was beautiful! You are amazing!"

The final judge was Wesker. He wore so tight of a black shirt, Chris was sure it could rip open any moment. Wesker had his arms crossed, a scowl on his face as he shook his head. "Lame. It was utterly horrible the way you did the whole performance. I was literally grinding my teeth trying to block out the sound. That, and get a piece of spinach out of my teeth. Oh and you're clumsy, ugly, and I won't be surprised if you get voted off tomorrow night."

Leon made a face. He spoke to Chris with the microphone. "Ouch, that's gotta hurt! Any last thoughts or comments, Chris?"

Chris burst into tears, crying like a baby. Leon took a step back, eyes wide. While he was crying, Chris saw Wesker flirting with Jill down in the judges' seats. He lost it, rushing forth with a battle cry and crashing the table. Jill leaped up as Chris tackled Wesker. Barry's mouth was open.

"What is this, dog? You were almost a Jill sandwich, yo!"

Leon frantically talked to the camera, trying to motion to them to cut to a commercial. "If you want to vote for Chris, call that number or text Vote to that number at the end of the show! Now here are some weird commercials for you to watch until Resident Idol returns! Now if you will excuse me, I have to go look at myself in the mirror!"

Claire's dream

Claire was in the middle of a forest. She found herself walking throughout the trees and bushes for a sunny wonderland. She was being followed by Leon, who for some reason was trotting along on all fours.

"You can't date him! He's a vampire! A monster! You have to listen to me, Claire! I'll take care of you! I will, dammit!"

Claire dramatically threw her arm over her face, feigning. It was so very cheesy. "But Leon! My heart stops when he is around, yet it beats with incredible force! I love him! Not you!"

"But I'm a werewolf! We are cooler! You can have a dog and a man all in one! Awesome, right? Check out my werewolf puppy eyes!" Leon quickly said. He sat down like a dog on a nearby rock, mustering up his best pout ever.

"I don't need a man who smells like wet dog or chews his own butt!"

Leon paused with his teeth just inches away from his butt. He quickly sat up again, laughing weakly. "Oh, come on! You can trust me! He is just a brooding punk who shines in the sun like bling on a rapper! And I promise I won't fall deeply, madly in love with your unborn child! I'm not weird like that!"

Claire pulled out a tennis ball from her pocket. Leon's eyes went as wide as plates and drool was running down his lips. Claire tauntingly moved the ball around with Leon watching it like meat.

"Fetch, boy!" Claire yelled, throwing the ball deeper into the woods.

"BALL!"

Leon was after it on all fours, barking madly. Claire found the glade that was full of sunshine and swaying flowers. She skipped into the glade, calling out to her vampire boyfriend. Wesker was on the other side of the glade. As he started walking out into the sunlight, he pulled his shirt off and started sparkling like diamonds. Claire swooned over his awesomeness. Her unconscious body twitched for a moment. Wesker stood over her, his hair Twilight-fied as he looked down at her body.

"I knew it! I'm a monster!" Wesker yelled dramatically, crying to the sun. "I drink bunny blood but it just isn't enough!"

Leon ran up to him, still on all fours. He dropped the tennis ball, growling at Wesker. "Get lost! Don't let your gay sparkling blind anyone!"

Wesker picked up the ball and threw it. Leon was after it again, barking and laughing maniacally.

"Where was I?" Wesker asked, scratching his chin. He then shrugged and clapped his hands twice. A large, very hairy creature ran out of the woods to join Wesker's side.

"You called?"

"Yes, Sasquatch! Take her away and do what you want with her. I'm gonna take over the world! No one can resist THE SPARKLING!"

"Yeah, you look pretty damn awesome," Sasquatch said, picking up Claire and throwing her over his shoulder. "Thanks for the girl slave! See ya around, Wesker!"

"When I rule the world all mythical beasts will be free and humans will be enslaved and put in zoos! And I can sparkle wherever I feel like it!" Wesker yelled, laughing evilly.

Leon's dream…

Leon sat in a dressing room looking at himself in the mirror and fluffing his magnificent hair. "Damn I'm hot!"

The door burst open and in comes walking Ashley Graham wearing Ada's red dress. "I'm fabulous!"

Leon's eyes grew wide, his dream instantly turning into a nightmare as he started screaming like a girl.

Wesker's dream…

Wesker had a smile on his face as he sipped on his coffee, classical music playing in the background as he sat outside on his balcony of his tower in a fancy mansion. He wasn't alone as he sat with friends who also sipped on their coffee. In the distance towards the city, Godzilla was tearing up the place, and cries of horror were echoing to the mansion. Wesker clapped his hands for service. Chris stumbled out, looking exhausted, dirty, and dressed in a French maid outfit.

"Slave! Check on my guests and bend to their every whim!"

"Yes overlord Wesker!"

Chris walked over to the first guest. "What can I get you, Lord Sephiroth?"

The warrior tapped his chin as he looked at his six foot long Masamune. "Hmm, how about a gold chocobo and a meteor, thank you."

Chris blinked. "Uhh, what are those?"

Sephiroth sighed loudly, as if annoyed. "A chocobo is a giant chicken you can ride, and a meteor is a huge flaming rock in outer space that I want to use to destroy the world. Have anymore dumb questions or must I stick you through with my mighty Masamune?"

"Got it!"

Chris moved to the next villain. He studied the old guy for a moment. This particular man was always hard. He was either Liquid Snake, Revolver Ocelot, or somewhere in between. Chris was unsure of how to greet him as.

"Uh, for you Lord Liquid Ocelot Snake Revolver?"

"I'm Liquid right now! I want better genes so I can defeat my twin brother, Solid Snake!"

"Jeans? What brand? Wranglers? Levi? Dickies? Uhh, I can get you a JC Penney catalog or something," Chris replied, confused.

"You dump ape! Not jeans! GENES!"

"I don't get it."

Chris quickly moved on before Wesker would come over and beat him up for angering his guest. His next villain was the grumpy Bowser. The giant dinosaur turtle koopa thing was sitting on a lawn chair like the others, only his was about to snap any moment from Bowser's weight. Wesker was watching his slave to make sure he wasn't upsetting his guests.

"Uhh, what can I get you King Bowser?"

"I want Mario and Luigi on a silver platter, cooked rare with lots of seasoning! I want Toad sautéed with onions and let his juices soak into Mario and Luigi! Oh and bring me Princess Peach so I can take her to my room and we can make sweet, passionate, erotic, beastly love!"

"I'll…get right on that…"

Before he could move on to the brooding Vergil, half-demon son of Sparda, Chris was summoned back to his master. Wesker got to his feet, motioning for his slave to follow him. Godzilla was still destroying the city, and the villains continued to watch with glee. Wesker led Chris into the mansion, turning to him.

"I just found out that Ada left me for Voldemort!"

Chris hissed, covering his ears. "La la, I didn't hear that name!"

Wesker bitch slapped Chris.

"Sorry, master. I am listening now."

"She will rue this day! RUE IT!"

They heard barking and looked down to their feet. Wesker's Yorkshire Terrier named Killer was looking up at them with a wagging tail. Wesker melted, forgetting about Ada and scooping the little dog up in his arms.

"Oh Killer, my sweet, sweet, lapdog of evil, you! We can move on without Ada! I knew she was a freak for talking to snakes!"

"So…can I go on break now, master?" Chris asked.

Wesker shrugged. "Yeah, sure. Just be back in time for your daily torture at 5 before dinner."

Chris grinned. "Yes my evil overlord!"

Ada's Dream…

Ada was walking through a long hallway of a fancy building surrounded by bodyguards. She felt so powerful, and knew she was ruling the world. What she didn't understand was why she was wearing a black formal suit with sunglasses. She still wore her heels, couldn't lose those things of course. She was led into her super secret villain headquarters, where she sat down to look at the surrounding computers that depicted all of her money, fame, and beauty. She leaned back in her fancy chair, sighing happily.

"This is the life! I'm rich, beautiful, and famous! I rule the world so now I don't have to take orders from Mr. Sunglasses anymore!"

She took her sunglasses off, counting her money and wondering what she was going to buy with it this time. One of her bodyguards entered, clearing his throat to get her attention.

"Yes?" she asked, wondering if she should play Guitar Hero or play Solitaire after she gets done.

"Your agent has returned with the Revlon spy products you wanted."

Ada smiled. "Great! Send him in! I need some more of the lipstick missiles and the mascara grenades. I guess I can try the nail polish of instant death too."

The bodyguard left. She waited anxiously, until Wesker entered wearing her red dress and heels. He still wore the sunglasses; yep he couldn't lose those babies. He walked awkwardly into the office, almost breaking his ankles on the high heels a few times and he tried to pull the dress down. He had a suitcase in his hand, full of her items she wanted.

"This is extremely humiliating! I'm not your agent swine! You shall rue this day! I'll take over your operation, and I will continue my pursuit of evilness! And you will once again be my sexy slave agent!"

Ada smiled at him, casually reaching for the TV remote and turning on Spongebob Squarepants. Wesker squealed in delight, throwing off his heels and running towards the TV. He leaped onto his beanie bag and was instantly glued like a little kid.

Ada got the suitcase that Wesker brought in, eager to see her new makeup spy items. All the while she listened to Wesker happily sing along to Spongebob's theme song.

Jill's Dream…

It took Jill a moment to realize she was back in Raccoon City. There were zombies all over the place, and the city looked just as it did when she was living the nightmare. Cursing, Jill took off running to avoid extra slow zombies, though she did stop to watch a zombie quartet sing quite well before they gobbled down a screaming human.

Jill looked down at her attire; she was even wearing the same clothes she had while running around in Raccoon City. The chilly autumn air and the moans of the undead made her shiver.

"I was so dumb to run around in this the first time! A tube top and a skirt while fighting zombies and horrible monsters? That's like something men would write in for a video game or something! And look, I had a jacket wrapped around my waist the entire time and didn't put it on!"

Jill continued to rave and rant on how stupid her wardrobe was for this particular survival horror episode until she ran into another person. It took her a moment to recognize him, but it was Hunk. He started talking to her right away, as if sounding hurried, but she couldn't understand him very well from his mask.

"Take that damn mask off, you sound like Kenny from South Park!" Jill complained.

Hunk continued to talk with his gas mask on. Jill slipped past him, continuing on her way. Hunk decided to follow her, and they headed for the precinct. On their way, Jill was trying to recalculate all the events that took place.

"So Hunk is new here, but this is a dream. I wonder if I am going to bump into Carlos, or if I get to see Brad die again…that was so cool. I mean…poor Brad."

"Hey, Jill! Over here!"

She looked to see Chris. He was waving and smiling. Jill was happy, she turned her direction and went down the street to catch up with Chris. The two hugged even in the midst of hungry zombies and gunfire.

"Chris! You were never here before!"

Chris grinned broadly. "I beat the shit out of Carlos and stuffed him in a locker! Now I'm your knight in shining armor like I should have been!"

"Aw, you're so sweet," Jill giggled, pinching Chris's cheek.

"STARS!"

Jill yelped, her and Chris spinning around to see Nemesis coming for them. They screamed, taking off right past Hunk, whose own scream was muffled. He followed after the two STARS officers.

"He's not as nice in my dream as he was while awake on vacation!" Jill screamed.

"What are you talking about?" Chris countered.

"I'm dreaming!"

Chris started laughing. "Alright, no more shrooms for you!"

Jill ignored him and kept running until Chris suddenly slid to a halt. She halted as well, and quickly turned back to face him. "What the hell are you doing? We have to keep running or Nemesis will get us!"

"There's an unopened package of strawberry Pop-Tarts! I gotta have them!" Chris replied going back for the Pop-Tarts.

Jill slapped her forehead, and watched as Chris and Hunk started fighting over the Pop-Tarts and yelling at each other. Suddenly, a purple tentacle sliced through Hunk and tore him away. Nemesis killed Hunk quickly, and kept moving towards Jill and Chris.

"Hey, you killed Hunk!" Jill yelled angrily.

"You bastard!" Chris cried, and then his Pop-Tarts were ripped from his hands.

Screaming like a little girl, Chris zoomed past Jill and they continued running. Nemesis opened the package of Pop-Tarts and sat down on the hood of a car to eat them happily.

A few zombie Chihuahuas came out to start chasing them, urging them to go even faster. Jill saw a bike and leaped on it, peddling fast. Chris complained, trying to keep up until he saw a pink kiddy's bike with training wheels and a little horn and basket. He jumped on it, but hit his junk on the seat and yelped. Jill told him to hurry before the little zombie dogs could catch up, and Chris started peddling in pain.

Eventually, the Chihuahuas gave up, and Jill and Chris continued to ride the bikes until they realized they were no longer in Raccoon City anymore. It was a foggy town, quiet and empty. They rode the bikes slowly, looking for any signs of life.

"Where are we?" Jill asked, looking all around.

"Silent Hill. I saw the sign back there," Chris answered, decided to honk his little horn and giggle.

"Hey look! It's Bob! Let's go say hi!" Jill stated. "Maybe he can get us out of here."

They got off their bikes and jogged over to Pyramid Head, who was busy using a spear to cook the head of a person over a fire like a marshmallow. He turned to face them, but didn't say hello or extend his arms for a hug like he usually did.

"Hi Bob! Can you help us find our way back to Raccoon City?" Jill asked.

Bob dropped the head and spear into the fire, and he stooped to pick up his huge sword. With a metallic moan, he started forth with the weapon dragging. At first Jill thought he was going to show them the way, but then his knife came crashing down on Chris's girly bike and destroying it.

"Run!" Chris yelled.

They were running. They ran through streets and alleyways trying to find a safe location until they wandered out into a cemetery and actually saw a real life person. Chris and Jill walked over to him. The man wore a green jacket and a pair of old blue jeans. He looked kind of lost, scratching his dirty blond hair and looking around.

"Excuse us, can you help us get out of here?" Jill asked.

"Who what where?" the man yelped, jumping straight up into the air like a cat and whirling around. He had a lead pipe in his hands, but he calmed down once seeing them. "I'm trying to find my dead wife. Have you seen here?"

Chris paled, and he whispered to Jill. "Okay, this guy is a loony…let's split!"

"Mary? Is that you?" the guy asked. "It's James, your husband. Don't you remember me?"

James came towards Jill, arms extended as if he had planned to hug her. Jill freaked and round kicked the man in the face, knocking him out cold. She turned to Chris. "Let's scram!"

They started through the cemetery, hearing Pyramid Head catch up. By the time they reached the other end of the foggy cemetery, there was a random hole with a sign and arrow pointing to it. The sign read "To Wake Up Ville."

"Oh, that sounds easy!" Jill exclaimed.

"So, you just want to jump down a random hole that is miles deep in the middle of a demonic town?" Chris asked, surprised.

"Sounds good to me!" Jill said, and jumped right on into the hole.

Wake Up Ville...

Jill jolted awake, shaking her head to focus on her surroundings faster. They were all in a dungeon, and each of them was handcuffed to somebody else. She was handcuffed to Chris, Claire was handcuffed to Leon, and Wesker was handcuffed to Ada. She noticed that there were a few missing from their group. Rebecca, Krauser, Nicholai, Hunk, Bob and the Tyrants were all gone. She knew that Barry had disappeared over the side of the ship before it sunk, and knew that Carlos was still in jail. But what happened to the others?

She was the only one awake. Everyone else was still snoozing away from the sleeping gas that sprayed into their nostrils from the cute skunk robot. Sighing, Jill hung her head to wait for the others to wake up. Apparently, they were going to have to find a way out of this and face the Ashford Twins before they could get back on track of their crazy vacation.

A/N: So sorry yet again on the super long wait! I hope this chapter proved to be worth the wait. I had alot of trouble writing this chapter for some reason, so I hope it is funny! Please let me know what you think! I've missed you guys! I am slowly getting back on track so I should be uploading more chapters than I have been in the few weeks or so. Thanks for being patient with me everyone! You guys all deserve some awesome home baked cookies! Ah screw it, who wants cookie dough instead? :)