Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers and I am not making any money by writing this. I also do not own Law & Order and Christopher Meloni (Elliot Stabler) owns himself.
Dialogue:
"Wait. Repeat that again."
"I said I need your input in a very delicate situation."
"Uhm… No offense but… Why me? You've got Ratchet, Ironhide, Bumblebee, Jazz, Sam, Maggie, Glen, the military and the government. Surely they can help you more than me."
"Negative, Mikaela. You are the only one capable of answering me," a pause, "I also do not like the way you are underestimating your capabilities."
"It's not like I do much, you know."
"Not much? You are currently our medic's prized helper. With your help he was able to repair Jazz. You alone repaired a Decepticon."
"Okay, fine, you can stop praising my mechanical skills. What do you want to know?"
"I wish to know if this is acceptable."
"Did you call me to know if your hologram is acceptable?"
"Yes."
"Just checking," a long pause, "Why does it look familiar?"
"I took the liberty of making slight modifications on the image of a human actor named Christopher Meloni."
"Oookay… Well, it looks good. I'd even say hot, actually."
"Do you truly think so?"
"Yeah."
"Do you believe Maggie will like it?"
"You are doing this for Maggie?"
"She is a fascinating human female."
"And a fan of Law & Order too, right?"
"Affirmative. She has asked me to record the program whenever she isn't able to watch it."
"Fine. You like Maggie. You look good enough to eat. Now go get her. What's stopping you?"
"Well… I have another request."
"Shoot."
"Why? There are no threats here."
"Hahaha… Sorry. It's just a phrase we use… Hahahaha… Tell me."
"Mhmm…"
"I mean it. I'm sorry. See? No laughing."
"I have researched it, but I am afraid to make an error. You can help me learn the proper way to do it."
"You want to learn something humans do, right?"
"Affirmative."
"Okay. I'm in!"
"Do you not want to know what it is first?"
"Is it going to get me killed?"
"Negative. It is an enjoyable human act. Death has no part in it."
"Then, I'll help ya."
For the first time in his life, Ironhide was being silent. He was tired and wanted nothing more than give his report to Prime and recharge. He opened the door of Prime's office slowly...
"Very well… Mikaela, I need to mate with you."
"THE HELL!"
The silence stretched for a moment; Ironhide staring incredulously at Optimus and Mikaela.
"It's not what you think…"
"I know nothing," the Weapon's Specialist said, turning around and walking away.
Standing in that office were Optimus Prime and Mikaela Banes. They looked at each other awkwardly.
"I guess I should go and explain to Ironhide before he tells someone else."
"Yeah… And Prime?"
"What is it, Mikaela?"
"Get Maggie to teach ya… Oh, and this never happened."
"Agreed."