Hello and welcome back! Or not. Maybe. Who knows? Anyway, this chapter might be rated M. If you haven't had 'The Talk' with your parents, I suggest leaving now. Go to the next chapter(if there is one), it doesn't matter. Wait, if you don't know the talk, then how did you read chapter one…? Anyway, I seriously hope I don't COMEPLETELY SUCK at writing the part. Of course, I've read millions of things like this, but it's different when you're actually writing one… I'm pretty nervous. Don't blame it if it's bad, okay?

Disclaimer: No owning FMA for meeee. D:

Edward Elric was pissed. Of course, he's usually pissed, but today had been a horrible day for him. First, his automail engineer had demanded him to drink the white vomit known as milk, and then she has the guts to call him short! Then as he was walking down the street, a man asked him if he knew where his mother was. What was he, a kid? Well, yeah, but a kid that could kick ass! He didn't need anyone watching over him like he was an infant. And then Colonel Shitface (his nickname for the day) wanted him to come by for an inspection. An inspection for what? He walked in the halls, his arms crossed and a vein or two popping out of his forehead.

Al, clanking behind him, stopped him by the shoulder. "Brother, you shouldn't get so angry! The man didn't mean anything by it!"

Ed huffed. "Yeah, right! He though I was, like, nine or something!"

"Brother, I don't think…" Al sighed when he saw his older brother wasn't listening.

"I wonder what kind of inspection Colonel Shitface wanted anyway!" Ed and Al turned a corner.

"Brother! Don't talk about the Colonel that way!" Al gasped. "You should be kinder towards him!"

Ed stubbornly rolled his eyes and stopped by the door. "Al, you wait here. I'll go by myself." His brother nodded and stood outside the doorway, like a guard.

Ed closed his eyes, opened the door, strolled in, and closed it back. "Hey, Colonel Shi- What the FUCK?" He opened his eyes and saw…

The Colonel and another woman… naked. And reproducing. The woman's back was to him, and it was filled with ink tattoos and burns. He saw both bodies tense up. Ed was too stunned to cover his eyes. "What the… fuck…" he repeated.

Mustang's eyes looked surprised. "F-Fullmetal! What are you… doing here?"

"I don't know… Maybe coming for the inspection you asked me to come for? What are you doing? Why is there a whore in your office?" Ed glanced away and looked at the wall. It was a very nice wall, mostly made up of bumps from the paint job and bullet holes made by procrastination. Pretty wall, please make me forget what I just saw, he though desperately.

Mustang's voice was filled with anger. "She is not a whore!"

Ed rolled his eyes out of habit. "Yeah, and I wonder what Lieutenant Hawkeye would do if she saw you now, doing this in the office." There was an awkward moment of silence.

"Can you, um… look away, so we can, you know… clothes…" Mustang started.

"What do you think I'm doing now, dumbass! Can you just hurry up? You're such a bastard, you know that? I-" There was a click of a gun, and Ed dared to look. The woman was holding a military uniform to her chest, and even though her back was still to Ed's, he knew who it was and almost peed his pants.

"I suggest you follow the Colonel's orders and turn around without speaking a word."

"Lieu… Lieutenant?" Ed said, stunned. He remembered Havoc saying something about 'sexual tension' and 'knife', but he didn't expect… He turned around without a word, and started whimpering.

Back outside the door, Al was wondering what all the screaming was about. Had his brother been injured in the office? It wasn't the first time. There was one time where he walked out with a stapler attached to his head, and a mustache drawn on his face with a marker… Al decided to go in, even if it didn't follow his brother's request.

He came in to see Ed making horrified sounds in a corner, the Colonel tying his shoe shirtless, and Lieutenant Hawkeye putting on her military jacket, her hair down. "What happened?" he asked curiously.

"You don't want to know, Al. You really don't want to know…" Ed whispered creepily.

Al cocked his head. "No, really, what happened? Why are you putting your clothes on? Did it become hot in the room? Did the air conditioner stop working or something? It's in the middle of October…"

Ed suddenly remembered a time Al had found some cats in the old alley near Teacher's meat shop. The cats had been, well, humping, and Al didn't seem to have a problem with it. Maybe... "Al?"

"Yeah brother?"

"Did Mom ever… give you the talk?" Ed asked.

"Brother, I don't know what you're talking about." His suspicion had been correct. Their mother had died when Al was pretty young, after all.

Luckily, both officers had put everything back on. The Colonel looked at Ed, who had gone out of the corner to his brother. "You mean he has no idea what you're talking about?"

"Apparently not… Can the inspection be tomorrow?" Ed looked at the Colonel.

"Uh, yeah, sure. Just… knock next time?" Ed nodded vigorously and zoomed out of the door, grabbing Al's thick metal wrist with him. He slammed the door and walked with Al.

"So, Brother, what do you need to talk to me about?" Al asked.

Ed looked around, making sure no one would be able to hear them clearly. "Well, you see Al, when a man and a woman like each other a lot…" He explained everything vividly to his younger brother.

"So when we saw those two cats in the alley…" Ed nodded.

"Hey, Brother?"

"Yeah Al?"

"Does this mean that Mustang and Hawkeye like each other a lot?"

"Yeah, but don't say that in front of them. They're too damn stubborn to admit it to each other."

"… Ed?"

"What, Al?" Ed sighed, cowlick flying. His brother sure was curious today.

"Does that mean when you were screaming, that…"

"Yes, Al. Never speak of it again."

"I sure wasn't planning to!"

"Yeah, but maybe… You think we should use it as blackmail, Al? Or worse… We could tell Hughes!"

"Brother, let them have their privacy! And you know what, you really do need to learn to knock!"

Heh. Hope I didn't do badly on that. Do you think it should be rated M or T? This is really the only chapter that will be like this, so I don't know. This will probably be the most explicit chapter there is. Anyway, I hope you liked it! I actually updated TWICE in one day! /gasp

R and R, don't flame, don't die! Thanks for reading!