Footnotes

Entry #18: March 14th

I didn't sleep well, and even though it was a weekend I couldn't sleep in. My mind was racing with thoughts, like the N.E., Emma, the Order, Emma, what was going to happen after school, Emma, was there going to be a war, Emma, and how was I ever going to be able to even look at her again? These drove me to near insanity.

"Come Sirius get up and talk to her!" James said urging me to get out of bed. I rolled over and found myself facing Remus. I sighed and rolled on to my back so I was looking at the top of the canopy. That didn't work either; they hovered over me watching. Finally I clamped my pillow down over my face.

"Padfoot, you really need to talk to her about this. It isn't going to go away like some vanishing spell," Remus said prying the pillow from my hands. I groaned as the two of them hauled me out of the safety of my bed. I stood there fighting them and then finally gave up and reluctantly got dressed sitting on the edge of my bed.

"She was the best thing that ever happened to me," I moped. James patted my shoulder.

"Then that's proof you have to fight for it huh?" He said. I nodded and got to my feet. Remus had left us and gone down to talk to Emma. I could hear them as I tried to will myself to go down there.

"But Remmy, I don't know how much longer I'll live!"

"So, you still care about him don't you?" there was a pause.

"Yes, more than anything in this world, but deserves better!" She said. I paused on the step wondering if I dare make my presence known or keep listening when James hissed loudly,

"Padfoot, what are you waiting for?! Talk to her…NOW!" I rolled my eyes at him and gave him the finger before I stepped out into the common room to talk to Emma. When I got there she was on her feet and I tried to smile but my face wouldn't work right. Her words filled my head again. I have to do this myself…

"May I have a word with you? Please?" I asked her, trying hard not to sound like I how I felt: numb on the inside. She nodded and we went out to the corridor to talk. And as we started talking we began walking.

"I'm sorry for asking right off the bat, but I have to know: why would you let go of something that was so amazing and meant so much to you?" I asked as we slowly walked along the corridor. Emma half smiled at first, but then she frowned. And I watched as her frown only continued to get deeper.

"I've realized that I was meant to be alone and that I wasn't suppose to live a long time and even though it hurts, it's what I have to do."

"Did Dumbledore ever tell you about his good friend Nicolas Flemmel?"

"No, he's the inventor of the Soccer's Stone right?"

"Yes and Nicolas was dying of cancer when they began researching about how to make the stone. It took them 10 years and by the time the stone was complete, his cancer was in full remission, before he even had time to even think of using the stone," I told Emma. She shook her head at me.

"But he had the stone as a backup, I don't. And this is the second time it's come back!" Emma said trying not to cry.

"It wasn't the stone or the thought of the stone; it was that Flemmel was surrounded by people who loved him. Em, you don't have to do this alone, we are all here for you; I'm here for you," I said taking her hand and squeezing it. She squeezed it back a few tears falling from her eyes.

"I can't do this to you Sirius, because I love you," she let go and began to walk away.

"Just like that, you're going to give up? What happened to the Emma who would have stood proudly and fought?! Did she give up on life too?" Emma let out a hiss of rage and spun on her heels to face me again. Her arm was raised ready to strike me.

"You don't know how it feels to be dying on the inside and be unable to do anything about it!"

"Yes I do!! Because I've been there holding your hand throughout this entire time. When you would cry yourself to sleep at night, I would cry because I knew there was nothing I could do to cheer you up. Whenever you were happy I was overjoyed to see your smile and hear you laugh. Emma, I love you too, and I don't want to lose you, but I guess if that's what you really want then there's no stopping you. As much as it hurts, I'll say goodbye because I'm not saying goodbye to you more than more once," I said as walked away. There was a sniffle from behind me but I didn't turn around to look at her. If this is what she wanted then who was I to question that?

"Sirius, wait…" She began. I stopped and waited for her to continue. She wrapped her arms around me and sighed.

"I'm so scared of dying without ever having all those things a girl wants. I just want to live."

"Then live, and let me help you live well. I'll try to give you everything that I possibly can as long as you give me a chance, because all I want is to live with you by my side," I told her cupping her face in my hands. She was crying again and I kissed away a few of the tears that ran down her face.

"I will always love you Emma, you're my everything, and the only one who can break my heart into tiny pieces."

"Well be better hope that my clumsiness doesn't get in the way of that," She joked kissing me. I smiled. As we walked back to the common room she looked at me with that look on her face.

"I'm glad I fell."

"I'm glad I was there to catch you."