Chapter 17

When Clary's hand began to go numb from cold, only then did she move. She stuck her hand in her pocket, unable to make herself put the glove back on. She walked slowly in the direction of her house, seeing nothing but the path her feet were taking.

She moved involuntarily in this way until she closed the door of her room. Tearing off the other glove and her boots, she sat on the edge of her bed.

Her lips still tingled from the kiss, and a ghostly pressure warmed her hand. Clary wished it would go away, that it would stop reminding her of what she had done. The mere thought of the kiss twisted her stomach in guilt, but the same memory gave her chills of pleasure.

She had kissed him back. After complaining that Jace would be the one to ruin everything between her and Sebastian, when the moment came she hadn't stopped him. What did that make her?

A complete hypocrite.

A tear traced a hot trail down her cheek. She brushed it away with one cold hand. The glove that Jace had removed, so slowly and wonderfully, felt as heavy as a stone in her lap.

Clary had never wanted and hated a person so much before.

Isabelle called later. "Clary? What happened? Why didn't you call me?"

Clary didn't respond at first, debating what to say.

"Are you okay? Clary, talk to me."

"I didn't go," Clary said abruptly.

"Oh. Okay, that's good. You shouldn't have to apologize."

"Yeah, I guess." Clary listened to Isabelle talk for a minute or so, then stopped her with a "Hey, Izzy, I actually have to go now. Sorry."

"Oh, no, I'm sorry. Go. I'll talk to you later."

Clary hung up with the guilt rising in her stomach.

Of course, Isabelle noticed that something was wrong. But Clary couldn't tell her what had happened. Even on Christmas Eve, when the Lightwoods invited Clary and Jocelyn over, when Isabelle confronted her with pleading eyes and a demanding voice, Clary denied that anything had happened. She had never hidden something from Isabelle for any length of time before.

She didn't want Isabelle to think badly of her. She couldn't tell her.

Clary spent most of her free time drawing to keep her mind occupied. She tried to draw nothing that reminded her of Jace, but her pictures fell flat and she couldn't get anything right.

Finally she gave in and drew whatever first came to mind. Happily, the image that she depicted on the page was not Jace's face. The shape of hills in the midst of fog appeared on the page, the view from the bridge where-

Oh, god. I can't start thinking about that.

Clary bit her lip, closing the sketchbook. She couldn't look at the image, but she didn't want to erase it either. It was the only good thing she had done since that day.

Story of my life. I can't decide on anything.

We can add indecisive hypocrite to the list.

Sebastian came home the weekend just before school started. Clary spent the day worrying about his impending phone call.

When the phone rang that afternoon, she jumped up and grabbed it before her mother could be disturbed. Retreating into her room, she hesitated before accepting the call.

"Hello?"

"Clary? Is that you?" Sebastian's voice asked anxiously.

"Yes, it's me," Clary said, trying to inject enthusiasm into her voice and cover her worry.

"I've missed your voice," Sebastian said. "I can't believe they said no calls except to parents."

"You could have pretended I was your mom," Clary pointed out.

"What? Why? That's just weird."

"Never mind. How are you?" Clary asked, despite her urge to end the call as soon as possible.

"Great, it was fun! But I'm glad I'm back, even if it's for school."

"That's good. Well, I have to go now, but see you at school," Clary said, faking a happy tone.

"Oh, alright. Well, I guess I should go unpack anyway. Love you, Clary," Sebastian said.

Though his words made Clary cringe in guilt, she replied softly, "Love you too."

Sebastian caught up to Clary in the hall on the way to brunch. "Clary!"

She turned reluctantly. "Sebastian, hey."

"I haven't seen you all morning! Have you been avoiding me?" he teased.

"Of course not," Clary lied. "You look good," she added to complete the deception. "Florida was good for you."

Sebastian grinned. "Yup, it was fun."

"Yeah, of course."

"Are you okay? You seem...off," Sebastian asked with a note of concern.

"Of course I'm okay. It's just going back to school," Clary said, unconsciously impatient.

"I understand. Don't worry, Clary. Second semester is easy for freshmen," Sebastian said with a smile.

"Yeah, sure. Thanks, Sebastian," Clary said, while thinking that that wasn't what she had meant at all.

"I need to talk to you," Clary said quietly.

Aline looked sidelong at Clary. "Are you talking to me?"

"Yes, I am."

"Why? Don't you have Isabelle to be your therapist in times of trouble?" Aline said snidely.

Clary resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at Aline. "Not this time."

Aline smirked. "I'll see you in the locker room then, tutorial tomorrow."

Clary nodded.

"By the way, we're switching seats. Maybe you'll feel better then," Aline said.

Relief made Clary's shoulders relax. She waited silently next to Aline for the art teacher to open her door.

Finally Ms. Colin let them in. "Good morning, class. Look for your names at your new seat and please sit quietly."

The classroom was arranged differently, chairs and easels in a circle in the center of the room. Clary picked up the slip of paper with her name on it and sat. A few seconds later, Aline came around near her.

"Oh, look who's here." Aline dropped her bag next to the seat to Clary's left.

Clary sighed. "Really? It had to be you."

"Would you rather it was Jace?"

Clary didn't answer that.

Though she tried not to look, she noticed that Jace was seated almost directly opposite her. She hid her face behind the easel so he wouldn't notice her.

"So, kids, welcome back to school. We're starting a new unit, which is why I've moved the seats around like this. I'm going to introduce the art form of Impressionism to you..."

Aline whispered to Clary, "He's looking at you."

"Shut up," Clary replied. But she peeked anyway.

He was looking at her. She shielded herself again.

How long are we going to play hide and seek with each other? Clary wondered.

The locker room was the go-to place for kids who didn't want to work during tutorial. Clary had never been there for tutorial before, and she was sure Aline hadn't either.

Clary sat on the bench in front of her PE locker. Aline was the only one she could think of to talk to about what had happened. She didn't trust Aline completely, but Aline knew something about hiding.

The dark hair of the other girl swished behind her as she walked into the aisle. "I'm here. What's up?"

"Jace kissed me," Clary blurted.

Aline snorted. "Wow, you really don't know how to tell a story, do you?"

"He-I met him to apologize for the party, and I don't know what happened, but we ended up kissing," Clary said in a jumble of words.

"You know exactly how it happened. I know how it happened, and I wasn't even there. You've been in love with him since you saw him, and he just charmed you into giving in," Aline said bluntly.

"No, that's not true. I love Sebastian-my boyfriend," Clary insisted.

"Okay, so not love. Pure attraction."

"No!"

Aline rolled her eyes. "You're such a liar, Clary."

"I know," Clary mumbled.

Aline didn't speak, but she gingerly put an arm around Clary. Clary almost turned and asked her what she was doing, but thought better of it.

"What am I going to do? Just seeing Sebastian makes me feel guilty. And I lied to Isabelle, too."

"Don't tell him."

Clary blinked at Aline. "What? But I have to-don't I?"

"Do you really think Sebastian will understand? He might be sweet and gentlemanly, but he's still a guy. And generally, guys don't approve of their girlfriends kissing other guys."

"But-"

"Think of it this way. You tell him, Sebastian will lose a best friend and a girlfriend. Better keep it secret and go back to what everything used to be."

The prospect of normalcy beckoned to Clary, but she held back. "That's what you would do."

"Yes, it is."

"You've just been doing this all year, though. Hiding your-"

"Don't say it out loud!" Aline hissed.

"See? Why would I do that? It's stupid, and wrong."

"You're already doing it, Clary."

She's right.

"So you think I should just keep lying?"

Aline sighed. "Don't think of it as lying. Think of it as keeping everything together."

Clary pulled her knees up to her chest, hugging them. "I don't know..."

"Clary, come on. You have to make a decision at some point."

Clary didn't respond for so long that Aline began to move. "Fine, don't listen to me."

"No. You're right. I can't be uncertain all the time." Clary took a deep breath. "I won't tell him."

"Good girl," Aline said with a smile, and stood up and walked away.

But the sight of Sebastian still hurt, and Isabelle's confused glances towards Clary felt like stabs in the chest. She didn't know how long she could hold out with this secret.

She had taken a stand, and she was going to stick with it, for once. This was the easiest, least painful way-ignoring Jace completely, keeping Isabelle from questioning her, spending more time with Sebastian, trying not to think about what she was doing.

So a month passed, and Clary's conscience let go of her little by little. She almost forgot what was wrong with all the smiles and "I love you"s from Sebastian. Isabelle had given up on extracting a confession from Clary and moved on to practicing for her audition for West Side Story. She wanted the part for Anita badly, Clary knew, but acted nonchalantly about it and was as flippant about it as she was about everything.

Three days before Valentine's Day, Clary saw Isabelle's world turn upside down.

Clary and Isabelle were sprawled on the floor of Isabelle's room, just like old times, for the first time since winter break. They were mid-laughter when someone knocked on Isabelle's door.

"Can I come in?" Alec's voice came from the other side of the door.

"What do you want, Alec?" Isabelle called through subsiding giggles.

Alec opened the door and stepped through. Magnus appeared behind him, grinning wildly.

"Um-so, Isabelle, I have something to tell you."

"Should I leave?" Clary asked.

"No, don't leave," Magnus interrupted. "He needs an audience."

Alec muttered something that sounded like "no I don't thank you very much."

"Alec, so help me, if you've crashed Mom's car I'm not going to cover your ass."

"No! I haven't crashed anyone's car." Alec paused. "I'm here to tell you that I'm gay."

A pregnant silence filled the room. Magnus beamed, while Isabelle and Clary stared in surprise.

Magnus nudged Alec. "Remember what else?"

"Oh, right. Um, also Magnus is my boyfriend," Alec added.

Isabelle finally closed her mouth. "Um, I knew that already, Alec."

"Yes, but now I told you. Isn't that what you wanted?" Alec asked confusedly.

"Yes, yes it is! Oh my god, Alec, thank you so much!" Isabelle jumped up and hugged her brother, causing him to stumble backwards.

Magnus sighed happily. "Alec is so brave. I'm so proud of him."

Clary smiled, but her thoughts darkened the moment for her. Alec is braver than I am. He told the truth, despite what others might think.

She had to follow the path she'd set out for herself. She just had to deal with what she'd chosen.

A/N: To all anonymous reviewers of the last chapter, thank you so much! Everyone's reviews make me feel proud to be writing for you wonderful people.

Thank you for reading and please review!

~Sami