Chapter 19

Clary never used to put much weight into sayings, dismissing them as obvious or impossible to follow all the time. But there was one saying she was ready to believe now.

Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves.

If she hadn't waited curiously behind the wall, she wouldn't be feeling this hurtful, burning anger towards Jace. Jace, whose actions made absolutely no sense. Jace, who sent shivers down her spine with his beautifully crafted words. Who kissed her but ran away. Who insulted her.

What was she supposed to think of him? At that moment she was leaning more towards hating him.

She could feel Jace's gaze on her. Having perfected hiding and ignoring him, Clary continued to paint without betraying any indication that she had noticed.

Jace didn't jump up and leave right away at the end of class, waiting as the others passed him. Clary was about to sweep past him and leave when his voice cut into her exit.

"Clary," he said softly, plaintively.

Despite her animosity, Clary couldn't ignore that voice. She turned. "I'd rather you apologized somewhere else, Jace."

Jace nodded slowly. "Come on, I know a place where we can talk."

Clary noticed that he didn't challenge her, retort sarcastically. This was the Jace stripped to his feelings, not the defensive one with an emotional wall that hurt anyone who tried to breach it.

Clary followed Jace past the buildings, past the football field, to a diamond of black tarp and grass. A smaller set of bleachers than the ones overlooking the football field bordered the baseball diamond. Clary stood by the cold, damp metal of the bleachers with her arms crossed.

"This time I don't have anything to apologize for, so you go first," Clary ordered Jace.

Jace's mouth lifted slightly, but his face quickly regrouped into a solemn expression. "I guess you heard what I said, since you're angry now.

"Yeah, I heard what you said."

"Well, I just wanted to tell you that I didn't mean it. At all."

"Why wouldn't you mean it? Alec's your friend, and you don't have anything to prove by saying cruel things about a girl if you don't mean them."

"Clary, you have to understand. Please-"

"I don't have to do anything! The only thing I want right now is to know what is wrong with you. You make absolutely no sense, Jace Wayland. First you ignored me, then you kissed me, and then you insulted me. And now you say you don't mean it?"

"Clary, shut up and let me talk, will you?" Jace interrupted exasperatedly.

When Clary didn't respond, Jace continued.

"I don't have an explanation other than that I'm a coward. That's why I said those things to Alec-I didn't want him, or anyone, to know how I feel. Or else everything gets too complicated, and I'll get hurt more-or someone else will. I need you to understand this-I say that no one can know what I feel, but if you don't, Clary, it hurts even more, for you and me."

"Jace-"

"Don't say anything. Just tell me, you know that I can't not say those things."

"I-I can't do that, Jace."

Jace's eyes widened slightly. "Please, Clary."

"No. You need to stop this. You don't want to hurt me, then don't even say those things. Don't ignore me like you hate me so much you can't stand the sight of me. Just treat me the way you feel you should. Isn't that simpler than blocking everything?"

"No, it's not." The muscles in his arm tensed and loosened as he clenched and unclenched his fists.

Clary scowled. "Don't tell me I'm wrong. You don't understand what I'm saying, do you?"

"No, you don't understand. I put up a wall when people talk about feelings, or family, or when they yell at me, because I'm afraid of being hurt."

"You don't need to be afraid, Jace," Clary whispered, stepping towards him.

"But I am," Jace replied softly, pain vibrating on the last syllable.

"Are you afraid now?"

"No," Jace muttered.

"Why not?"

"Because I'm with you," Jace whispered to her with a smile that Clary wanted to capture and keep forever.

Instead, she placed her hand on his cheek, feeling the soft, warm skin there in high contrast to the cool air. Jace closed his eyes at her touch, his hand coming up to cover hers. His golden skin against her pale arm was almost comically dark.

"Is Sebastian really mad at you?" Clary asked softly.

Jace's eyes narrowed. "Is this really the time to bring him up?"

Clary laughed under her breath. "No, I guess not."

"He is, actually. He hasn't talked to me for a week. I think going out with my manipulative ex-girlfriend was a pretty clear message, though."

"Aline is manipulative. But she's not all bad. Besides, you used her too."

"I did," Jace admitted.

Clary lifted her eyes to meet his wide golden ones. "I used to think you were a jerk. I guess I wasn't wrong."

Jace grinned, one side of his mouth lifting. "No, you weren't. I am a jerk. Selfish, rude, arrogant, cowardly-"

Clary laughed. "That's pretty accurate."

"But don't forget my good qualities," Jace murmured in her ear.

"What good qualities?" Clary asked innocently.

Jace grinned, no longer the despondent, emotionally naked boy that Clary had just seen, now the self-confident teenager.

"Well, handsome, smart, quick-witted-"

"I think that's enough. You could talk for hours about yourself, couldn't you?"

"Probably. There's just so much to say."

Somehow Clary's hand slipped into his as they began walking back to the school, but she made no move to remove it. The silence between them was pleasant, not begging to be filled like most silences were.

And even though Jace was the cause of most of her indecision for the past few months, with him it finally all disappeared.

Jace looked at their linked hands as they walked into the school. "Is this okay?"

"Yes," Clary replied with a smile. Please don't ever let go.

They received stares from other students as they walked by, their peers probably wondering what the jock was doing with this unknown redhead. Clary subtly held Jace's hand tighter, but held her head high as they passed.

When Simon saw them, his mouth fell open and his eyebrows raised. Isabelle whipped her head around to see what Simon was looking at, her hair swinging in a black wave, and she squealed.

Jace rolled his eyes. "Isabelle, you are such a girl."

"Whatever, Jace. I'm going to let that go because you're with Clary right now. But believe me, if you hurt her at all, you will be hurt. Badly. By me."

"And me," Simon chimed in.

"Don't worry about Simon."

Jace smirked. "I wasn't going to."

Clary smiled. Her friends' reactions were predictable, but comforting. She reveled in the happiness and normalcy of the moment, and hoped it would last forever.

Clary sighed, throwing her pencil onto the table. She glanced over at Jace, who had his faced pressed against his Chemistry textbook and his eyes closed.

She and Jace had been together for two weeks. Clary was happier than she'd ever been, but with a small catch. She and Sebastian had had physical contact every day, whether just a small kiss or a hug. But Jace didn't do that at all. And Clary wanted to be kissed by him, badly.

Clary shook Jace's shoulder. "Jace, if you get caught sleeping in the library, we'll be kicked out."

Jace blinked, then smirked. "Not sleeping."

"You look like you are," Clary pointed out.

Jace lifted his head slightly, then stretched. "I give up on this."

"It can't be that bad," Clary laughed. She scooted her chair closer, then pulled the textbook towards her. Jace remained still in his seat, though Clary was close enough to put his arm around, and she sighed inwardly.

"Really? I learned this in middle school. Valence electrons are simple."

"No, they're not," Jace complained. "Don't you want to help me?" he asked slyly.

"Not really," Clary teased. "I still have math homework to do."

Clary suddenly thought of a plan. She slid her hand up Jace's back, and propped her chin on his shoulder. "I can think of something that we can do, though."

"Really? What's that?" Jace asked with a smirk, though he didn't reciprocate her touch.

Clary whispered in his ear, "I can tell you the answers like this." She kissed his cheek. "What do you need help on?"

Jace sucked in a breath. "Clary, if they have a rule against sleeping, I'm pretty sure there's a rule against this."

"I'm just helping you with homework," Clary breathed. Jace shivered.

"Clary..."

"What do you need help on?" Clary repeated, her lips brushing against his jaw.

Jace closed his eyes. "Clary, stop."

"Why?"

"Because-this is too much-"

"You don't like it?" Clary asked, disappointed. She pulled back slightly, but Jace grabbed her hands. She felt a burst of triumph that she had caused him to touch her.

"I like it too much for a library," Jace told her, his mouth pulling up at the corner in the way that made Clary's brain lose rational thought.

"Really?"

"Really." Jace slid his hands up her arms, pushing up the sleeves of her jacket, and sighed. "God, don't let me attack you in the middle of the school library."

His touch left goosebumps. "We're in the back. No one will see," Clary said, unable to believe that those words had just left her mouth.

Jace stopped moving. "Clary, please don't say things like that. I can't handle it."

"I don't want you to handle it," Clary said with an uncharacteristic grin.

Jace's eyes darkened, and he leaned forward quickly. Clary expected the kiss to be passionate and quick, but instead he stopped an inch from her face and placed his hands on her cheeks. Their eyes met, and Clary was washed under a sea of gold as he leaned in.

She had forgotten the warmth of his lips, how softly they moved against hers, not pressuring her to go faster, but pressing hard against her as well. She kissed back, winding her hands in his hair and pulling his head closer. He slid his hands past her shoulders to her sides, pulling her as close as she could without toppling her off the chair.

Clary heard a noise and let go of him quickly, turning her head. Rain pattered like footsteps against the library window a few feet away, and she cursed her paranoia for ending such a lovely kiss.

Jace smiled that smile again, and pulled her against his side. She was nearly sharing a chair with him at this point.

"You know, this is technically our first kiss," Clary said, resting her head against his chest.

She felt him shift. "Really?"

"You haven't kissed me since the bridge."

"Oh. I guess I haven't," Jace said, sounding a little tense.

"I don't mind," Clary quickly backtracked.

"No, I'm sorry. I just-well, it's stupid, but I didn't want to pressure you. I mean, you just broke up with Sebastian, so-"

"You were just scared that you would be disappointing compared to Sebastian," Clary joked.

Jace frowned down at her. "I was not."

"You were. But don't worry. You are much better than Sebastian."

"I already knew that, but thank you for telling me."

"You're welcome, but don't try to hide anything from me. I'll always find out."

"Will you, now? Then I'd better not do anything wrong, if you're there to catch me."

"That's right," Clary said with a smug grin.

Jace laughed and kissed the top of her head. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

A/N: And finally, it's here. :) Part one is over now, and part two will begin! I hope you will continue reading, as the second part isn't just an overview of cute moments in their relationship. There will actually be plot, I promise.

And as always:

Thank you for reading and please review!

~Sami