The characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSINY tv series.

I have to thank again our friend Lily Moonlight for being the one who corrects mistakes and turn this Fic into something legible.

I Can't Say Goodbye

Chapter 5

Lindsay plucked up courage and went to Stella's office. She knocked lightly on the door and entered. Stella smiled at her friend and colleague but that shy smile failed to reach her eyes.

"Hey, congratulations!" said the younger woman, skirting round the wastepaper basket, loaded with the bunch of white roses while approaching to kiss Stella. She asked with a movement of head towards the flowers. " Aren't they the flowers Mac always sends you?"

Stella sighed. "As you'll have noticed, I'm not in the mood to receive gifts from Mac these days. Don't worry about it. Disagreements."

"But it's a pity to let the flowers wither... Will you let me take them to the break room? They'll die without water, and they're so beautiful."

"You're right, the roses aren't to blame for anything. But I don't want them here. Take them out of here and do whatever you want with them."

Lindsay leaned over the wastepaper basket and carefully took the bunch. The card fell down, showing the text. Lindsay took it from the floor, recognizing Mac's handwriting and signature. Stella had turned her attention to the paperwork, so when she dismissed Lindsay without looking at her, she couldn't realize that her colleague slid the card into the open bag, hanging on the rack near the door. Lindsay smiled to herself. She hadn't read anything, but she had time to appreciate by its structure that the writing was a poem. She was sure that once the anger had passed through, Stella would like to keep it. She looked for a vase and arranged the roses on a coffee table in one corner of the break room.

There was a break in the morning when the staff came to congratulate Stella. She had ordered a well-stocked box with several trays of tiny, exquisite pastries, Mario's specialty, and they had just been delivered straight from the oven of the famous bakery a few blocks away.

When Mac appeared in the break room, the lively conversations were put on hold. He went to Stella.

"Congratulations and happy birthday." He leaned toward her intending to kiss her cheek, but she pulled away, and taking a tray of pastries from the table she placed it between the two, without looking at him. "Thank you, take a pastry, they are delicious"

Mac took one, he ate it and turned to pour himself a cup of coffee. Stella turned away and continued talking to Sid, as she'd been doing before Mac's arrival. He returned to his office with a cup of coffee and a huge weight on his chest. This would be difficult to solve. An hour later, when all the team were again working at their respective tasks, Mac saw Chief Sinclair entering Stella's office. He had to have used the stairs, taking Mac off guard again. Sinclair spent just a few minutes, and before leaving, he shook Stella's hand warmly. That was odd, Mac thought. Unless the Chief had known about the celebration and came to wish Stella a happy birthday… From the distance the gesture looked even quite affectionate.

Stella seemed to be very thoughtful. She put her elbows on the table resting her face in her hands and remained so for a while. Then she looked from a distance and her eyes met Mac's. She averted her gaze and went back to work.

Sinclair had left with a sincere handshake. So overwhelming that it had almost crushed Stella's finger bones. Everything was finally done, she thought, there was no turning back. The Department had accepted her request to leave her post, which was in reserve. She would always have the opportunity to come back after her leave of six months, but now she was free to join the US Department of State and National Security, where she was claimed.

There was only one thing left, to accept the offer. During the morning she had carefully written her message of acceptance, and she had only to press "Send" to send it to its destination. "Destiny," Stella thought, a great word.

That was the matter precisely now, to give a turn to her destiny, because in this city she seemed not to have the luck of moving towards a happier life. She allowed herself a few seconds of meditation, with her face resting in her hands. When she looked up, she realized that Mac was watching from a distance. Mac, who only looks and never acts... She was tired of so many years of vain expectations, as she finally realized. Unrealistic hopes, created by her imagination and her silly infatuation, though he had never taken a step in that direction. Yes, he had gone to Greece to look for her... and she had magnified it believing that the gesture was because he was in love, because he couldn't live without her... and then, as always, nothing. Nothing! With a sigh, Stella clicked on the word "Send". Her life had just moved, and, she hoped, moved in the right direction.

"Taylor agrees with this?" Sinclair had asked her when he went to Stella's office. He wanted to confirm with her personally that the Department had agreed to surrender her services on a temporary basis. Even more, considering she had more than one month of holidays not taken, she could leave immediately to handle her new job, compensating the month's notice with the vacation. Since the end of the day she could consider herself free from her work on CSI New York Department and begin her new adventure that would take her to Europe.

"Mac knows nothing" Sinclair's face showed undisguised surprise. "And I intend that he continues to know nothing. We are not on good terms now. Officially, since this evening I will be on vacation for a month. After that, I'll think about how to explain my absence. But I ask you, please, not to say anything to Mac. I'm not sure if I want him to know anything. Anyway, I'll entrust it to myself when the time comes."

"Well, nothing will come from me, of course, if that's your desire. But I thought you were good friends?"

"That's the key, we were. That's the past. I intend the future to be very different. Away from here. First, this work in Europe will be challenging to me, and then, if as you have said to me the Department wants me to organize the new Lab in New Orleans, my career will have taken the turn it needed. It will be a challenge and an honour for me"

"I was going to say so anyway, Stella, your name was on everyone's mind when we started to deal with this issue. The project has been delayed a few months, the building isn't finished yet... but until then it seems you'll have plenty of emotions. Who knows, maybe you won't even remember us when the time to come back arrives and you'd prefer not to. I'm sure, knowing you and knowing how you work, that when you finish this first assignment they won't let you go easily and they'll do their best to keep you with them..."

"It's very kind of you to say so, Chief, your words give me security. I think I'll do well, that's my job... But this is a new challenge and I think I can do it."

"That I have no doubt about." Sinclair shook her hand vigorously. "And we are here for all you need," he told her before leaving.

Well, everything was done. The confirmation that her message had been opened at its destination came with a slight sound on the computer. There was no turning back. She was finishing the last of her paperwork and before completing the shift she planned to leave everything closed. She would have to travel to Washington on Monday and from there everything should be very fast, because on the first day of June she was expected to join her new office at the U.S. Embassy in Athens. She would have to settle her accommodation when she got there. Whether it would be in a hotel, or in her own apartment, she did not know.

She didn't know if her work, coordinating U.S. security in the European Union's countries, would mean her travelling around Europe or if she could resolve all her work from Athens. She didn't know either if the planned visits of the Vice President and the President to Greece during the semester in which this country assumed the rotating Presidency of the European Union, would be something she would have to fulfil, or if it was the White House's staff who organized the President's movements. Since it was newly created position, it would make sense to think she would have to organize and fit the American Security Services in the host country, hence she was specially recommended by her proficiency in Greek, and also her good knowledge of Italian. Anyway, as she had expressed to Sinclair, it was a big challenge for her.

She hadn't gone out for lunch, and suddenly she realized she was hungry. But she was almost finishing, and she wanted to leave early. She had to change before going out for a drink with the team, to celebrate her birthday. She thought that she would have to pick her things up the office, but she would do it on Saturday evening, when nobody could see her. She didn't want to explain why she picked up her stuff if she just went on vacation... She felt bad about it, but she wouldn't tell them anything, she couldn't say goodbye. No, she couldn't say goodbye, she would rather avoid it. She was a coward, she thought, but she preferred to be a coward than to face her team mates in a farewell.

And Mac, "Oh, Mac... I can't. However much I suffer because of you... No, I can't say goodbye to you."