The characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSINY tv series.

I have to thank again our friend Lily Moonlight for being the one who corrects mistakes and turn this Fic into something legible.

I Can't Say Goodbye

Chapter 6

Before leaving, Stella made a copy of all her personal files and email from her office computer, saving everything on a disc that she would take with her. Then, she deleted everything to be sure there wasn't anything personal there. She backed up all the work material, recorded it and immediately formatted the hard drive. Right after that, she reloaded the programs and work files which were the only thing she intended to leave behind. By the time she finished, the shift had ended. Covering her tracks had taken longer than she thought.

She picked up her bag and went to the Lab.

"I'm leaving, I hope to have a drink and toast to all of you, OK? In a couple of hours?"

"We'll be there" Lindsay spoke and the others nodded. She wondered if she would have found Mac's card, and if not, what would be Stella's reaction when she did, if she would re-read it or throw it away. The crisis in the leaders' relationship made her feel insecure. "I'm a moron" she thought to herself. Like a girl who thinks her parents were getting a divorce, so she felt.

On her way to the elevators Stella passed Mac's door and saw the office was empty. "Better", she thought. She couldn't face his gaze calmly, not yet. When she arrived home she just wanted to curl up on the couch and stay there forever, but she had to face reality, she had to celebrate her birthday as always and say her goodbyes to her colleagues, apparently for a holiday. Much longer than they might suspect, but at the moment it was all she felt strong enough to deal with. With a sigh, she went to the bathroom. A long shower would help. Then she would dress up. Looking good always encouraged her. She chose the black dress unconsciously. It fitted like a glove to her perfect body, showing enough cleavage and legs to put into orbit any member of the opposite sex. She pulled her hair back, freeing the curls that framed her face, and applied makeup to hide the dark circles that were surely a product of the previous night without sleep. When she looked at herself in the mirror before going out, she sighed... "Thirty-five years." Soon that spectacular body and pretty face would follow their natural path starting their decline... and she didn't want to waste her prime of life, she didn't want to regret a few years later, when it would be late to be a mother and raise a family. She didn't want to finish alone, as it had been all her lonely life. Her hopes of sharing something with Mac had been that, only hopes. You can not live in fantasies, and she had spent too many years waiting for that come true. It was time to move on, to forget the ideal and work for the possible.

All men's heads in the club turned toward her as she entered. They couldn't help following with their gazes every one of her curves, emphasized by the tight dress. The women couldn't help either admiring or envying, depending on each one's instincts. She didn't leave anyone indifferent.

Mac was there, with Don. Stella thought that after what had happened between them he wasn't going to appear but, apparently, she was wrong. From the bottom of the bar his eyes never left her as she approached, with the same look of that time. Stella suddenly remembered... Sure, it was just the same dress. That first time that he had taken off the alliance, when she had said she had plans and then he decided to go to a casual appointment with that... Anna, the first time he had been out with a woman who wasn't Stella since Claire's death. She recalled how he had looked at her up and down when she entered his office, how she had removed his tie and fixed the collar under his jacket, so close that his face was red, and remembered how his eyes had followed her as she walked away, she had felt as if he was touching her with his gaze. That same look of restrained desire that he had in this moment, though less smiling, as if fearful of the reaction she might have. Don came up to greet her warmly and moved to find a table, now that almost everyone had arrived

"If you want me to go, I will," Mac said almost in a whisper.

"I don't care, do whatever you want," she replied, mitigating the harshness with a fake smile, seeing Don coming, who told them to move toward the corner where a large table was free. At that time, the Messer couple arrived and the atmosphere relaxed. When they were sitting, Sid, Sheldon and Adam joined also the group. Mac went to the counter and brought glasses and a bottle of whiskey, which was left on the table. He had finished his first glass, and after serving everyone else he served himself again. He stood up and all of them paid attention to the boss, the one who usually made the first toast.

"I propose a toast to our friend and colleague Stella Bonasera. Happy birthday, Stella, I... we wish you all the happiness that you deserve today and the rest of your life ". He was looking now at her with pleading eyes, full of sincerity, and Stella, who knew him so well, knew he was apologizing. But it was too late, and avoiding looking at him she raised her glass to make it clink with the others. She saw out of the corner of her eye that Mac sat, serious, and downed his whiskey in one gulp, filling the glass again. Sid stood up and started the following toast.

"Dear Stella, maybe you think you start getting older ... but I tell you that you have the best part of your life ahead, I know, and you'll have plenty of time to accomplish everyone of your dreams, because you deserve it. " Stella's eyes filled with tears, and she kissed Sid, who was at her side, while clinking her glass again. Last time she had avoided Mac's one, now he didn't even try, he just drank and refilled again. Lindsay and Danny shared a twosome toast wishing the best to their friend and godmother of their daughter. Sheldon became serious in wishing her friend and protector a lot of happiness. Each time, everyone had applauded and cheered. Mac had cried "Yes!" slapping the table and draining his glass to the bottom. He went to look for another bottle, stumbling over a chair, which he had found, apparently, very funny. When Adam got up to toast Mac chuckled, muttering. "The kid who was missing, the last of the undesirables... for now!" The others didn't notice, but Lindsay was at his side and was starting to worry about his attitude.

"I drink a toast to Stella, who has been the friend always open to us ..." Mac stifled another laugh, muttering "Yes, more than open, spread. You can talk" in an almost unintelligible voice, but Lindsay was able to capture something. Adam continued, "And our support when we needed it, someone to turn to when things get hard..." Mac laughed now trying to keep his mouth shut, which called more attention to him. Adam looked at him in astonishment. Stella was annoyed. Mac shook his hand as if in apology and urged him to continue. "Go on, you were saying that Stella helps you when your things get hard... Okay, well, we'll toast to that"

Stella was shocked. The others had not captured all the double meaning that Mac was giving to his words, but Stella had, and it was exponentially making things worse between them. Adam finished his toast "To Stella, happy birthday"

"Yes, yes!" Mac again drained his glass and poured another. Lindsay was really worried about him, she had lost track of how much Mac had been drinking. Stella was also aware that her companion, her friend, the love of his life, was behaving like a teenager out of control. She finally rose to acknowledge all the toasts.

"Thank you all for that you have said and your wishes for my happiness. I hope they will be fulfilled, and I promise that from now on I will do everything to achieve it. It seems that so far I haven't put in enough effort, but I'm working on it. I also wanted to tell you that probably we won't see each other for a while because to celebrate my birthday I am taking a vacation, I have a lot of days stored up." All faces looked at her with surprise, unable to believe it. Stella never took vacation days in a row, the most being a long weekend. She continued "So on Monday I won't be at the Lab, but you won't miss me much. And thanks a lot for being here with me, for being my friends... you will always be in my heart" She couldn't continue because of the knot that was forming in her throat. Everyone clapped and clinked glasses, wishing her a happy holiday. After all, she deserved it, and it would suit her well. Mac had lowered his head. All of a sudden he looked up and his eyes met Stella's.

"Who did you ask for the holidays?" There was pain in his eyes now. "Not me, I'm sure... and I'm supposed to know to be able to organise the shifts." Stella looked away.

"I spoke to Chief Sinclair about, and he agreed." Mac gulped what was left in his glass and stood up. He went to the counter and took out some bills from his wallet, putting them there. He returned to the table and waved.

"I'm going, I don't know what I'm doing here, really." He bent over Stella, who had her back to him and sinking his face in her curls, he kissed her neck under her ear. Mac's breath made her shiver. "Find what you want" he said, and before Stella could turn to look at him, he had left.

All of them remained silent, until Lindsay couldn't help asking.

"What has happened? This isn't normal, Mac's drunk, I've lost count of what he has been drinking. I just hope he doesn't drive now."

"He has no his car, he came with me. He'll call a taxi," said Don, and he approached the door to keep track of Mac. But he didn't see him, so he went back inside.

Everyone expected Stella to say something, but she couldn't explain why or how Mac and she were so angry.

"It's okay. Highs and lows... And it's late, I'm exhausted. I think I'll leave you, guys." Although all protested, Stella stood up and asked the bartender if there was something to pay, assuming she was buying. But Mac had left more than enough. From the counter, Stella looked at her friends and colleagues, thinking it was the last time she was going to see them for an unknown time. With that thought and the several glasses she had drunk, which were making her feel vulnerable and sentimental, tears came to her eyes. She came back and gave pats on all the backs as she said goodbye. She hadn't taken the car, and the guys offered to give her a ride, but she preferred to walk and breathe the air of the early night, to clear her head. When she saw a taxi, she would call for it to take her home. She didn't want to look back as she left, but she knew that the gossip of the night would be the same throughout the day, the strange fight between her and Mac. She didn't want to imagine either what they would think after a month when she wouldn't return. They would feel betrayed, and probably they would feel that she hadn't had enough confidence in them to share her plans, her expectations about her new situation... She only hoped that eventually they would come to forgive, and maybe one day they could share a few drinks like today, in a happier atmosphere.

When she arrived home she sank into the couch. The bag slid from her lap and she tried to grab it, but just got to dump its contents. She started to pick it up and then Stella saw the card, the same card she was sure she had thrown into the trash with the roses. Her mind wasn't totally clear with the alcohol, but she immediately knew who was responsible for the mysterious change of location... Lindsay. Sighing, she took the card and read. Mac's handwriting made her shudder, she would recognize it among millions.

I have a white rose to tend

In July as in January;

I give it to the true friend...

With the first words Stella recognized the verses, the poem that had seemed the most beautiful in the world to her when, so many years ago, Mac had recited it for her when he knew white roses were her favorite flowers... She could not keep the tears coming to her eyes, this time as an unstoppable torrent.

She didn't know how long she had been there holding the card and crying when she heard a knock at the door. She had no idea who could be at this hour. She came over to look through the peephole. Whoever it was continued knocking. Her heart sank. It was Mac.

"Open up, I know you're there," Mac's voice sounded strange, too euphoric, and in a tone too high for the hour. If she didn't open, he would probably speak even louder and the neighbours would protest for the noise, all seemed higher by night.

She opened the door with a straight face.

"What do you want, Mac? I don't remember inviting you to my house."

"Now I need an invitation?" Mac started to enter, and Stella turned away. She saw he brought some bags. "I'm the one who invites you to dinner every birthday, yours and mine, in recent years..." He was rolling the Ss a bit. He had definitely drunk too much.

Stella sighed and closed the door behind her.