The characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series.

Thanks again to Lily Moonlight for being the good friend who does the corrections.

I

I can't say goodbye

Chapter 8

Stella jumped out of the bed. She literally jumped. Her head seemed to be on the point of exploding, and she realized that tears were running down her face, tears that were impossible to hold back. She locked herself in the bathroom, the last thing she wanted was to wake up Mac now. Claire! He thought he had been with Claire... She couldn't fight with that, it was clear. She had faced Mac and Peyton's affair, and then Aubrey's. Even if they were not difficult rivals, Stella having the resources to overcome if she wanted to use them; looking, as she did, more beautiful; being more loving, more sympathetic, more ingenious... But what could be done against a woman who would always live in Mac's mind forever young, sweet, idealized in her virtues and her faults forgotten over the years. Against her, Stella knew she couldn't do anything.

Stella had no doubt that Mac was aware of who she was the previous night, even if he wasn't totally aware because of the alcohol. He knew she was Stella, and it was Stella who he wanted to make love to... or so she believed. But once he was released from his conscious ego, at the bottom of his heart what Mac wanted was to be with Claire, and it seemed that in his dreams he believed he had regained her... Stella couldn't live with that. She also wanted to be the woman in his dreams, as well as in his life. He didn't mean to forget Claire as if she hadn't existed, but she wanted a man fully devoted, not just a half.

Moving away would be the most convenient decision. She couldn't think clearly besides Mac, as it was proved last night. She shouldn't have forgiven him so soon, he didn't deserve it, but when he kissed her she couldn't refuse him anything. But it's over, she thought, even if it was going to be tough. The new job would allow her to have better prospects, and it would give her time and space to think about her aspirations for a perfect relationship. If that wasn't possible, she should try elsewhere. It would take her a lot of hard work, but it was necessary. And how would she say it to Mac? Better, perhaps, not to tell him anything. At least, not looking into his eyes. If he expected her to return it would be the confirmation of his unswerving love for her and his confidence in spite of everything, if not, that love was nothing but an illusion.

Mac was feeling better than ever. Relaxed, full, happy. He was lying on the sand of a beach, and he felt carefree and quiet. He raised his head slightly, feeling the breeze that eased the effects of the bright sunshine, the temperature was ideal. He saw Stella, sitting at the seashore, her back to him. The gentle waves came up to her, covering her legs. The breeze made her curls dance, shining gold in the sunlight. A little girl jumped in the water around her. Lucy? Mac thought she had too many curls to be Lucy, but it didn't matter. Suddenly, someone standing next to him shaded him. When he looked at her, he was startled. It was a young woman, wearing a light and soft dress. It was Claire. She sat beside him, smiling, and passed a hand over his cheek.

"You're really fine, Mac, you're keeping fit!"

"Claire... how is it possible...? I know, I know... I'm dreaming, aren't I?"

"Maybe, Mac, or it may be another reality different from that in which you move regularly." Mac's scared face made her laugh. "Let it be as a dream, if you feel more relaxed. Don't worry, I'm not a vengeful evil spirit who come to you because you have another woman"

"You know about me and Stella, you know I love her, and I am with her?"

"I know everything, Mac, including what hasn't happened yet. And I think this that you're seeing hasn't happened yet, but it will happen." Now Claire was looking toward Stella and the little girl. "I always knew that you and Stella had something special. Only friendship and camaraderie while I lived, I'm sure of that, too, but there was something. I'm glad you finally decided to take the next step, it was time, Mac! You never excelled in making quick decisions or acting impulsively, but Mac... almost ten years! I don't know how Stella had the patience to wait for you to be ready."

Mac couldn't help smiling. Claire was right. His fears and insecurities had deprived them of enjoying a few years that should have been splendid.

"Well, what I can say, you know me very well... I just want to recover the time and compensate Stella for the waiting"

"Mac, just remember one thing. Maybe it's Stella now who has doubts, and it may not be as easy as you think to start a life together, you may need to be patient. You will be patient, do you promise me? If you've waited nine years, a few little more time doesn't matter. Be reasonable and be attentive to what Stella needs, OK?".

Mac looked at Claire with a smile on his face.

"Why do you say that?"

"For all that might happen, just be patient" She stood up after kissing Mac on the cheek and caressing his face. She threw him another kiss before starting to walk away.

"I missed you, Claire," said Mac

"I know, I know. But now you don't need me. Now you have Stella. And if you can wait you will be very happy." She went away until her figure vanished. Mac sighed. His dead wife had appeared to him and he wasn't scared, but feeling strangely good. He looked back toward the seashore and jumped, Stella was gone. He looked around and he saw her beyond, running along the water's edge with the child, both of them splashing one another. At one point, Stella took the little girl in her arms and hugged her. Turning toward him, he smiled seeing that Stella, his Stella, was showing a little pregnant belly.

Mac began to wake up, moving lazily. In those moments between sleep and consciousness he smiled, remembering perfectly the images and sounds of the dream he had. The sea breeze, the sand, Stella, Claire... and a little girl and a little one more yet to be born. He smiled to himself, as he also had last night flashes, images full of love and more than that, passion. He wouldn't deny that they had exceeded the limits in the realm of lust, but considering the years of waiting, he didn't think it was cause for punishment. Their sexual agreement was total and rewarding, that glorious body of hers fitted on his as if they had been created as one piece. Neither of them had felt strange sharing everything with each other, on the contrary, it seemed that they simply completed one another, returning to an initial starting point in which they would have been only one. They fitted where they really belonged.

He had to tell Stella his dream, what Claire had said. He reached out with the hope of finding the body of a goddess at his side, but she was gone. He sat up to try to locate her, and then his head reminded him how much he had drunk the night before with a painful sting followed by a kind of vertigo. He lay back, breathing calmly. "Great hangover, Mac Taylor," he said to himself, "You'll need a whole box of aspirin..."

After a few moments, he stood up again, this time very slowly. His temples throbbed and seemed as if his brain didn't fit inside his skull and wanted to explode it and expand. He got up slowly and still completely naked he came out of the bedroom to try to find Stella, the love of his life. The bathroom door was open and she wasn't there. He went to the kitchen. She wasn't there either, but he decided to prepare coffee and find the aspirins. When he entered, the first thing he noticed was a folded sheet of paper next to the coffee maker. On the outside it had only a word "Mac".

He thought maybe she had gone out to buy for breakfast or lunch. He couldn't imagine that what he was about to read would affect his life, a life he had believed that after what had happened the night before, was on the right track towards a happy future.

"Where have you gone Stella?" he murmured as he poured a cup of coffee and sat slowly. He opened the paper and was surprised because it had quite a lot of text. No one writes so much to say that she had gone shopping. He tried to focus his eyes on the note.

Dear Mac, I'm sorry if this is going to hurt...

To be continued...