The characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series.

Again and again, thank you Lily Moonlight for your help with this English version.

I Can't Say Goodbye

Chapter 9

Mac Taylor was paralyzed reading Stella's note, right there in her kitchen, ridiculously naked with a cup of coffee in his hand. His head felt as if it was about to explode, and he almost wished it would. He didn't understand anything. They had shared the most wonderful night of love in the world, the best of his life and he was about to say the best of hers also, judging by the way she had behaved, and now this...

Returning to the bedroom, he put the note down on the messed bed while rescuing his clothes that had been scattered all around the room the night before and got dressed. He looked again at the last line of the note, which still beat in his brain.

The last of the undesirable guys that have visited my bed.

Did she think that of him? Sure, she was using his own words, but he had said them in the heat of an argument. And now he was only one more on the list. Why did he have to talk that way, even when he didn't feel it? He had only wanted to win a dispute, and now he was beginning to pay dearly. Why had Stella wanted to get away? He could apologize, he wanted to, because he was totally wrong with everything he had said, but she had given him no time, and if they didn't fix that anger soon, everything would be more difficult.

What was clear was that she didn't want to see him, and the note was the main proof. She didn't want him to be there when she returned home, and he would respect that. He turned from the doorway of the bedroom and the sight of the messy bed made him smile, despite everything. It reminded him of so many times when he and Stella had shared the search for evidence at a crime scene. Evidence of sexual activity... He was sure in that bed were all possible traces, because the "activity" had been continuous and exhausting. Hairs and fluids of all possible body locations, his DNA intimately and inseparably mixed with Stella's... He just hoped that everything he had hoped to share with her wasn't reduced to traces in that bed he now was leaving behind. She wanted time, he would give her time; she wanted space, he would respect her needs, he would stay away enough days to leave her to think about things, her complete holidays, if needed.

It had been three weeks since Stella's birthday and no one had seen her since then. Lindsay had spoken to her on the phone a couple of times, she seemed to be travelling, enjoying the vacation, and Lindsay had sent her the latest pictures of Lucy by email. Stella had received them and had answered saying how beautiful the child looked, but she had not told anyone where she was.

Mac struggled every day not to call, trying to keep the distance she needed to clear her mind, as she had requested. But not knowing where or how she was tortured him.

That morning, the Department's budgets for the last semester would be finally approved. Chief Sinclair's Office had sent Mac the final reports as the head of the CSI Unit. Mac was distracted, such a tedious task doomed him one morning every half a year, reviewing numbers and expense forecasts, always insufficient for the constant renewal that a laboratory like theirs needed. Something in the budget for staff costs attracted his attention in the final summary. Mac knew approximately the total amount of each chapter and it seemed that the total wasn't correct... He compared in his computer the total of the previous semester and effectively, the amount in the new budget was lower; the difference being equivalent to the cost of one person's salary. He read back over the new report until the staff chapter. He hoped they hadn't reduce their salaries, that was just what they needed after having to renounce earlier this year to the corresponding rise because of the economic crisis... But there was something wrong. Suddenly, his heart sank. Among the list of the lab staff there was a missing name. Stella Bonasera wasn't in her usual place, under his own name, following him in the hierarchy of command. Her place was empty. Mac tried to breathe calmly, but he couldn't. It was impossible. It couldn't be right that Stella had left her post. It simply couldn't be, because she would have told him. Or was she going to let it be that he learned about it by the Department budget? Of course, if it was like that, it was the proof that she didn't want him anymore. "Calm, Mac, calm." He should make sure, maybe it was just a mistake, someone who accidentally deleted a line in the staff's list, a simple typo that would be immediately corrected. He took the folder and went to Sinclair's office. The Chief was also reviewing the same documents, so when his secretary told him that Mac Taylor wanted to talk about the budgets he ask him to enter immediately without clearing the table. Mac came up, the report open on the page in question.

"No way to get more money, Mac, I swear I've taken up juggling to try and balance the numbers and I can't think of anything better. The new spectrometry machine we talked about will have to wait at least another semester."

"It isn't the machine I wanted to ask about. It's this..." He put on the table the page of staff costs, with the listing. "Stella's missing... Why does her name not appear and why is there no indication of her salary?"

Sinclair looked totally surprised. He was going to speak, but stopped and thought better of what he was going to say.

"Stella hasn't spoken to you?"

"I haven't seen her for three weeks, since she went on vacation, and no, I haven't talked to her. What is this about? "

"Well Mac, this is unusual, she said she would tell you..."

Mac's heart was beating a mile a minute, and he was also starting to feel the beats in the veins of his neck and head. Then, it wasn't a mistake, Stella wasn't in the budget because she no longer worked there...

"When did she tell you that?"

"The very morning of her birthday, which was her last day of work, right?"

"What do you mean it was her last day? Where is she now? "

"I don't know, Mac, I really don't know. And what I knew I couldn't tell you because I promised... She said she would speak to you, so you will know what she wants... What's wrong with you two? I thought you were the best of friends"

"I thought so too, sir, I thought so."

Mac picked up the report, signed it and left it right there on the table. He never wanted to see it again. He went down by the stairs and he had to stop for breath a few minutes on the landing, before entering his floor. He couldn't believe it, he couldn't. Paler than ever, he stood next to Stella's office and he entered taking a deep breath. He hadn't done so in all these days, since there was no need. Stella had done all her paperwork, nothing remained at her table as pending. Now he paid attention, which hadn't done in the previous days when he had passed in front. The photos she always had on the desk had disappeared, and so had those that had hung on the wall, the team, Lucy, and that one with himself and Stella dressed in blue uniforms which he knew was one of her favourites. How hadn't he noticed? He sat in the chair and opened the right drawer of the desk. There it was, her badge on a note that simply said. "Deliver to MacTaylor." Along with the note, the delivery receipt of her gun to the Armoury of the Department. Mac leaned his elbows on the table and rested his face in his hands, trying to breathe calmly. "Stella, what have you done... what have you done to me… to us?" He closed the drawer all of a sudden, angry.

Lindsay had seen Mac enter by the door of the staircase, white as a sheet, and go to Stella's office. She had been unable to avert her eyes from his movements, which had alarmed her. She hadn't gone either to Stella's office, which had remained with the lights off because its owner was away. Mac's attitude was intriguing her, and she headed there just as she saw Mac close the drawer with violence, get up and leave. He almost went straight into her, and yet he seemed that he didn't see her, his eyes empty of expression and bright with... tears? She saw him enter his own office, take something from a drawer and come out to the elevators, not looking at anything or anyone. Lindsay then went to Stella's office and a few seconds were enough to notice. There were no personal things, none of the framed photos or anything to betray that that office belonged to Stella Bonasera. She approached the desk and opened the drawer that she had seen Mac close with rage. She was dumbfounded with what she saw. There was a badge and a receipt for the weapon of Detective Stella Bonasera, the summary of her identity in the New York Police Department, as a member of the CSI.

He didn't know how, because his head didn't seem able to coordinate a single coherent thought, but he had arrived. Mac was in the building in which Stella had her apartment. He went to her door and opened it with the key she had given him just in case and which he kept in his office. The blinds were almost down, and the furniture covered with sheets. In the bedroom, he opened the cupboards. Nothing was left hanging, but there were closed boxes. He looked in the drawers. What remained was in bags, as well as some winter clothes, placed on the shelves, in transparent bags. Now he was sure, she had not only left the Unit, but also the city. But why and for how long? On the entrance table were several letters, carefully placed. The one on the top had the date of two days ago... Surely the porter collected her mail.

When he left, he went to the concierge room. He knew him.

"Hello, Inspector! Have you had to pick something up at Detective Bonasera's apartment? She already told me you had a key"

Mac decided to act cautiously to try to get as much information as possible.

"Just checking that everything is correct... But I bet she also asked you to do that"

"You're right, Sir, Miss Stella trusts me. I will air the house each week and take care that it doesn't collect dust and dirt. She has been very generous, she has not only paid one year's rent in advance, but gave me a wonderful tip as well... It wasn't necessary, because I would watch just the same for her things, but you know her..."

"Yes, that's Stella. She asked me to check if there was something important in the mail, but I've seen that you've picked up what there was until now, only the usual bills"

"Yes, nothing unusual so far. Do you want me to let you know if there are any strange letters? Seeing as she's out of the country..." Mac's heart jumped. Then, she was abroad...

"She hasn't sent me her address yet. What about you?"

"No, she told me not to worry, that she would be inEuropeat least half a year and certainly after that time she would pass by here, but she wasn't sure if it would be to stay... I miss her already, Sir, she is an angel."

Mac took one of his cards and handed it to the man.

"Yeah, I miss her, too. If there's anything out of the ordinary, call me, please, here's my number." Mac said goodbye to the man with a handshake.

Sitting in his car, Mac leaned his head back and closed his eyes. Stella had left without even saying goodbye. Department budgets and a porter had opened his eyes, because the love of his life hadn't told him that she was leaving. She had left the CSI unit to move toEurope, for at least half a year... Stella, why?

He took the note that he had carried in his pocket during those three weeks. He didn't need to read it, because he knew the text by heart, but he recreated his pain seeing Stella's large handwriting.

Dear Mac, I'm sorry if this is going to hurt... but I can't continue. What we shared last night was wonderful, I had never felt so good with anyone... but I don't want to base our relationship on it and act as if nothing more had happened. Mac, you had a lot to drink, and it's a lot to allow yourself to look for something more than just the friendship that we shared all these years. I don't want our future to be settled on such a weak foundation. I know I like you, but I wonder if you really love me. I just want to be not only the woman in your life, but also the woman in your dreams, a place that I'm not sure I still have. I want it all, I am so selfish, and I probably expect too much, perhaps undeservedly.

I need time and space, so I ask you to give it to me, let me calm myself. I need a break that allows me to think clearly, something I can't do if you're around. Everything is so hard! When I clear my mind, we'll see if you still want to try a relationship, I don't know if then you'll decide it's worth it, or if you just feel like the last of the undesirable guys that have visited my bed...

Stella

To be continued...