The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series. But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine!

Thanks to Lily Moonlight for helping me so much. Have I ever said it?

I Can't Say Goodbye

Chapter 13

Evidently, Maria was right. Fourteen weeks of pregnancy, that's what the test clearly said. It didn't state that Mac Taylor was the one responsible, as Maria had joked, but Stella knew that perfectly well, as well as the exact date of conception – the night of her birthday. Although which of the times, that night... Stella laughed heartily. Probably the first one, since Mac's swimmers in that first round had taken position with that tiny lead before the others. When Mac and Stella did target practice together, she always used to joke about his good aim... Well, she could say now with certainty that when Mac Taylor shot any of his weapons, he was always right on target. Always!

Maria phoned later in the evening to check the test results. Stella heard her scream when she confirmed it to her. But rather than overwhelming her, the constant attention of the older woman made her feel loved, well cared for, even spoiled. She imagined what it might have been like feeling that way when she had needed it as a child, or teenager, when she hadn't dared to seek advice from anyone about her most intimate things. She had had no one to ask if she should let that guy who tried to kiss her do it, and what should be the right time? Should she have asked Sister Agnes? Or Professor Papakota, during one of his visits? Before entering thePoliceAcademy, she had been the eldest of the orphans living in St. Basil, and she had to manage to grow up alone. So, Maria taking care of her didn't bother her at all. Well, perhaps now with the pregnancy her overprotection would increase further, Stella was almost sure of that, but she didn't believe it would reach unacceptable levels. No, Maria was a charming, intelligent and good woman, there wouldn't be any problem.

Quietly sitting in her cozy living room that first night of September, Stella told herself she had to think how to tell Mac what was happening. If she hid it, he would not forgive her, not that. She decided to send him a message. Not to tell him "Hey, Mac, you're going to be a dad!", no, but something to let him know that despite the distance and silence, she kept thinking about him, about them. She wanted to tell him that she wasn't angry any more, that as more time away from him passed, the more she forgave his words, spoken in the context of a great concern for her. Now she saw that everything had been the result of the panic of thinking that something fatal might have happened during that shooting. And she thought to herself that surely dreaming about Claire didn't mean he didn't love her: After all, the good times with his wife would always be there in his memory, and the dreams were partly based in it.

When she opened the mail on her PC, Lindsay's message with the picture of Mac with Lucy in his arms suddenly filled the screen, putting a smile on Stella's face, similar to the one they both shared. The following picture warmed also Stella's heart. Mac smiled at Lindsay's camera in the most authentic way, all his features involved in it. Seeing that spark of joy in his eyes almost put a little tear in Stella's. Would he feel so happy when he knew that within a short time he could be holding his own child? Stella was almost sure he would. She had seen Mac with Lucy, and she had always thought that he would make an excellent father.

She began her message.

Dear Mac,

I hope you've forgiven me for leaving without saying goodbye. I just couldn't.

Well, the beginning wasn't so bad. But how to tell him the most important thing, when something so big should be said face to face?

I miss you every day, and as more time passes I understand better what happened. Our discussion was the product of a moment of fear on both, in part because of the uncertainty about the turn that our relationship was taking. I should never have written that note, Mac. Do not believe for a moment that I consider you equal to other men who passed through my life, it's just that your words had hurt me and I wanted to retaliate with the same weapons. But you've never been nor will be an undesirable for me.

Quite the contrary, Stella smiled as she thought. For ten years, Mac had seemed to her like the most desirable man... but that she wasn't going to write, this was serious.

I would like to be by your side so we could talk. There is something very important I have to tell you, but I don't want to do it without being able to look into your eyes. In a few months I'll be back and I will have the opportunity to tell you, I just hope you don't decide then that I waited too long and that nothing coming from me interests you any more. I can't go back now, I have important commitments to fulfill, but I'll be in New York at Christmas and maybe then we can decide what to do with our relationship and its consequences and how to face the future.

Anyway, she couldn't risk saying more, though it hurt her not being able to share it. When she returned toNew Yorkher pregnancy would be more than evident, seven full months... She wouldn't need to say anything; by the time Mac saw her he would understand what was happening. Maybe then he would be angry with her for hiding it from him... Would the joy of knowing that he was going to be a father exceed the anger of not having known it months before? God, what to do?

I love you, Mac, with all my soul. I always will, come what may.

Stella

Prior to changing her mind, before deleting it and starting over, Stella clicked "Send", and was mesmerized watching the progression of the line indicating the message output, until its completion. When would Mac receive it? At this hour, in New York it was the afternoon. Lindsay had said in the message that Mac and Lucy had just left to go to the park. Perhaps he wouldn't open his mail until Monday, if he didn't check his email during the whole weekend to get his mind away from all the work issues. What would be his reaction when he did read it? Would he respond? Unlike Lindsay, he hadn't even once tried to contact her, respecting her request to give her time and space. But her new message meant a change. How would he take it? Closing her PC Stella decided to go to bed, sleep calling already her eyes and mind. She smiled, stretching. "This is for you" she murmured, stroking her little belly... "I never slept so much."

In New York, Mac had left an exhausted Lucy with her parents and he had headed home, no less tired. Now the little girl wanted to spend more time walking, other than being always in her stroller, it required him to be more aware of the little runner, whose self-confidence and speed increased day by day. He stopped at his favourite take-away restaurant to buy dinner and thought about enjoying some of his favourite movies, if he couldn't find anything on TV that he wanted to watch. Lindsay had invited him to have dinner with them, as she always did, and he had refused, also as usual, claiming exhaustion and the desire to go home and relax. It was pastmidnightwhen the movie he had been watching ended, and he collected the remains of his dinner. He was tired but not sleepy. It occurred to him to check his mail as he hadn't opened it throughout the day. His heart missed a beat seeing the sender of the last incoming mail. Stella.

Dear Mac,

I hope you've forgiven me...

Mac read the message in one go, barely breathing.

... I love you, Mac, with all my soul. I always will, come what may.

Stella

It took him several minutes until Mac assimilated what he had read. He didn't know whether to smile or mourn. Stella loved him, and she wrote it. Nothing she could say, in person or by any other means, could be more important than that. Stella loved him with all her soul. But she was stubborn as only she could be and she wouldn't say where she was or why.

Calm Mac, calm. It doesn't matter, he told himself. She waited nearly ten years, you can wait four more months, or however long it takes.

He stretched his arms, leaning back in his chair and clasped his hands behind his neck. Stella loved him, and she always would, no matter what...

He had to respond. Now she had contacted him, it authorized him to do the same. But what could he say to let Stella know clearly that his love for her was also unconditional, and nothing in the world could make him stop loving her...

Dear Stella

How original, think something that doesn't allow any doubt, stupid... not like a letter from your bank manager, dammit...

Stella, my love

Oh, God, this sounds like a soap opera. He stopped to think a while. With a smile, he remembered.

Stella mou

I have nothing to forgive. Rather it's the opposite, you'll have to forgive me for being a jerk and behaving like one. I haven't tried to write to you to respect your wish about giving you time and space, but I wanted to every day. When I saw your message today I felt like the happiest man in the world. I don't deserve your love, but I will do my best to be worthy of that good luck. If you want me to see you, let me know and I will go anywhere, if you don't want, I'll die with impatience, but I'll wait. Everything coming from you interests me, and I will always care about, and nothing you have to say will overcome the last sentence of your message. Nothing could happen to change that.

S'agapó, Agapi mou (*)

Mac

It took him three hours to write the short text. When he reread it the last time he decided he didn't know how to express himself any better. Before changing his mind, he clicked "Send". On Monday he would try again with Adam to trace the journey of these messages. Whatever Stella decided, he wanted to know where she was and what she couldn't tell him if she wasn't looking into his eyes.

(*) ("S'agapó, Agapi mou" means "I love you, my love" in Greek)

To be continued...