The main characters don't belong to me but to the creators of CSI NY tv series. But Maria Kostopoulos is totally mine! And Dr. Irene Samaras too.

Thanks to Lily Moonlight for her help, as always.

AND MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU!

I Can't Say Goodbye

Chapter 17

November 20th, Sunday. There were five days left to Thanksgiving Day, and the memories saddened Stella. The bad thing about having something is the possibility of losing it, she thought, sighing. During most of her life, spending Thanksgiving Day alone hadn't been a cause of sadness. Only two years during her childhood had she shared that day with a family, in the periods she had been in foster families, and on both occasions the party had ended in unpleasant discussions. The foster families had never been warm or a source of happiness to Stella, rather the opposite. The rest of her childhood and youth she had spent Thanksgiving Day at the orphanage, and the festivity had never had a special meaning in Stella's life.

But, suddenly, two years ago, Mac had invited her to go with him to Chicago. He always went to his mother's house that day and the following weekend, in some way to compensate her for all the times he didn't visit her during the year. Stella had initially rejected the invitation, thinking she would be an intruder on the few days that Mac's mother would want to enjoy her son exclusively, since she had so few times to do it. Mac had insisted, however, and what finally convinced Stella to go was a call from Millie Taylor herself. Mac's mother had insisted that it was she who had told Mac to invite her. Millie had the intuition, and the hope, that the one Stella Bonasera Mac kept mentioning in recent years was at last the woman that her son needed in his life. The companion, the friend, the love of his mature years.

When Stella had first entered the home in which Mac had grown up she felt a bit overwhelmed. He was so secretive that to suddenly delve so deeply into his privacy disturbed Stella. But after all, he had taken her and he knew this would happen, that she would eventually learn much more about his past life, from his days of youth, and even his childhood.

That first year Stella had finally felt quite happy, helping to prepare dinner under Mac's mother's direction, while Mac had been in charge of setting the table. After that, the women also gave him the honour of cleaning and washing dishes. The two women had got along immediately, and between them had developed a genuine affection. Since then, they spoke often on the phone and Millie sent her regards to Stella through her son every time they communicated.

The next year she was invited again to the main American family celebration. This time Stella accepted without hesitation. Her relationship with Mac had changed, the whole Greece thing had happened months ago. After all those events, the resignation of Stella and her unexpected leave, after Mac went behind her and all the tragedy that happened with Papakota, they had become closer than ever. So close that Stella felt like, at some point, Mac had moved back, perhaps for fear that things had gone too far. That had driven Stella to despair. What to do with this man, get him drunk and put him in her bed?

Remembering now what she then had thought made her smile. Just so had happened, although without her intervention, at least in the alcohol intake...

The second Thanksgiving Day at the Taylors' home had passed even more happily than the first. Mac's mother treated her like a daughter, regardless of what Mac might think. One day, while Mac had been sent to purchase groceries, Millie took Stella to the attic. At first they were looking for an old porcelain bowl in which to put the delicious applesauce they had made, but, intentionally or not, they ended up entangled in the things of Mac's childhood. Millie had pulled off some sheets that covered them and had showed Stella Mac's crib, in a honey-colored wood, matching with a rocking chair that she also uncovered. The night before, after dinner, Millie had already shown Stella, to the embarrassment of the protagonist, all the photos from Mac since his early childhood, including the smiling naked baby showing the world that, indeed, he was a boy, free of diapers and other garments.

Stella remembered now those photos of a baby with round cheeks and turned toward the table where she had started an album of her baby, which the image of the first ultrasound. All babies have round cheeks, of course, but this one... It looked exactly like what she had seen in Mac's picture.

Would Millie Taylor be happy about becoming a grandmother? Stella was almost sure she would, but she might also be angry on finding it out late. Considering that the father didn't know it yet...

Not again, she thought, she got depressed every time she thought about how to solve a problem that hadn't stopped growing each day. She couldn't say anything, that would no longer be necessary when Mac saw her, but... What would be his reaction? She hoped it wasn't rejection, or doubt about if he was the father. That would hurt a lot, but on the other side she was capable of understanding; Mac couldn't find good reasons why she hadn't told him at once that he was the father.

As long as she thought about it, she had tears running down her cheeks. While drying them, she felt the slight tingle of her baby moving, which made her smile.

"You know how to take your mommy's sorrows away, Baby Taylor", she said softly.

On Friday, November 18th, early afternoon, Mac Taylor had told his team that he would take all his vacation days not taken, so he would be absent at least a month, probably returning for Christmas. All of them were amazed, Mac hadn't taken so many vacation days in a row ever. Mac put Danny in charge of the lab and he strongly recommended that everyone else make his task easy. Don said he would do his part to help, and Adam, very solemn and smiling, came forward to say goodbye to Mac with a handshake, and without opening his mouth. Mac wondered how long the youngest of his colleagues could resist without letting go what he knew.

When Lindsay asked him if he would travel somewhere, Mac said he would leave for Chicago on Sunday. They all found that logical, since entering the Thanksgiving week they knew that their boss always returned to his hometown at that time to be with his mother.

Lindsay didn't know what to think. She received news from Stella regularly, but she never said where she was, and Lindsay sent her pictures almost every week. And now Mac was going toChicagoand didn't seem to take any interest in knowing about Stella... God, what a difficult couple!

Mac picked up Lucy on Saturday afternoon as usual, seeing he didn't want to miss their appointment. In addition, they were not going to see each other for a while. That day, instead of walking through the park, Mac and Lucy went shopping at a big mall.

"Lucy, I need advice. You're going to tell me what little girls like. OK? "

"K" repeated Lucy, nodding.

They visited a decorating shop. In the children's section, Lucy pointed out her favourite pink tone to paint the walls in children's rooms, and a frieze with tulips in shades of pink and yellow. The shop assistant showed Mac matching accessories: duvet and sheets for the crib, cushions for rocking chairs, curtains... all of them combined in a pink shade similar to what they had chosen for the walls, and stamped with the same pattern of tulips as the frieze. Mac had taken the measure of the window, and found ready-made curtains. The store opened seven days a week, so they agreed that everything would be delivered the following day, Sunday, early in the morning. Mac intended to paint the nursery before leaving for Chicago late in the afternoon.

Satisfied with himself, Mac walked through the mall pushing Lucy's stroller.

"Good job, buddy. Now let's buy a gift for you, and a toy for the baby."

"Baby? Lucy baby?"

"No, Lucy is already a big girl... a little baby, a little cousin to Lucy."

"'Ousin?"

"Yes, a cousin who is now in your godmother Stella's belly, and when she's born she'll be your friend, right?"

"Yes," Lucy continued the conversation as if she understood everything perfectly. They bought two beautiful stuffed animals, one for Lucy and one for the baby before leaving the mall to return to the Messers' home.

It was dinnertime when Mac returned little Lucy to her parents. At Lindsay's insistence and the prospect of not seeing them for a while, Mac accepted a family dinner with them.

"Mac, you don't have to buy anything for the child. You spoil her."

"It's nothing, and she's been so good... She's helped me a lot, haven't you Lucy?"

"Yes, Lucy help... pink! Beautiful to ittle baby."

Mac was surprised by the sentence. Wow, he hadn't realized that Lucy was already getting old enough to make herself be understood.

"Did you help your godfather shopping? Oh, my baby, she talks like a parrot." Lindsay joked.

"Lucy not baby, Lucy's big! Baby 'ousin, all pink. And a kitten."

Mac coughed looking to change the subject. The next thing that Lucy would say, as soon as Lindsay insisted, would be that the little baby wasn't her but the one in her godmother Stella's belly...

When on early Sunday morning Mac received the delivery from the decorating shop, he had already cleared and cleaned the room and had covered the floor, so that he was able to start painting almost immediately. It took him some time to paint the first coat, but he was ready to give the second early in the afternoon. At six in the evening, before leaving for the airport, everything was painted, the frieze in place, curtains hung and the rest in the closet awaiting a crib and a rocking chair that would come from Chicago. By the moment, on a stool in the middle of the room, he placed the stuffed kitten that Lucy had chosen for her "ousin", a kitten with long white hair, extremely soft, sleeping lying on its belly.

Mac asked the doorman and his wife to receive the furniture he was going to send from Chicago, and to unpack and place it in the new pink room. The doorman's wife reassured him saying they would leave everything ready, and that he didn't have to worry about anything. She was dying to know more, but she didn't dare to ask. A pink room? Anyway, the woman was happy for him. He was an excellent man, he shouldn't be alone as he had been over the years.

During the flight to Chicago, Mac couldn't help but think that the last time he had made the same trip, just a year before, he had travelled with Stella. They had also taken the flight in the afternoon, after the shift, and Stella was asleep almost instantly. He had spent the entire flight watching her sleep. He could spend a lifetime looking at her, he thought then... and he still thought there was nothing he wanted more than to look her at all hours. She slept like an innocent child, and yet she was totally sexy... Mac couldn't take his eyes off her. The same thing had happened when they returned from Greece, all the time Stella had spent sleeping, he had been watching her. When in a moment she was awake and their eyes met, she had smiled.

"Was I snoring? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Mac delayed a bit his response, staring at her.

"Because I like what I see..."

Stella had blushed slightly, smiling and, for once, not knowing what to say.

When Mac arrived at the Taylors' home it was very late, but his mother was waiting. She could not help wonder.

"What, Stella hasn't come with you?"

"No, Mom, Stella isn't going to come"

"What do you mean? What happened? What have you done?"

"Mom! I haven't done anything! Well, yes, I did something, but... It's a long story"

"I'm in no hurry, Mac Taylor, so start telling. And we'll see if I let you sleep in this house!"

With a sigh, Mac prepared to tell everything to his mother. Millie Taylor was like a walking polygraph, there was no choice but to tell her the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...

To be continued...