Goodbye is for Tomorrow
Chapter 5
Rin sat in the hot waters of the bath, trying to keep her shoulder dry. The last thing that Rin needed was an infection. Sesshomaru had seemed angry when he left today. Why has he seemed so frustrated? Was it because of Kohaku? Surely not.
"Kohaku," she said his name aloud. He was acting so strange. It made her uncomfortable how close he sat to her. How much he touched her. She shifted uncomfortably at the thought. Her eyebrows furrowed. Was that why? But Sesshomaru wasn't the jealous type. She thought a while. He may not have been the jealous type, but he certainly was the possessive type. That must be it, Rin decided, slipping out of the hot waters, drying herself with a towel. She began to comb out her long hair with the comb Sesshomaru had given her when she had turned sixteen. Like most of the things she received from him, they were simple, but beautiful. The bone comb was off-white with camellia flowerers carved into its surface the texture of their petals second only to the real thing. Truly, it was stunning. She smiled. She couldn't blame him; her Lord had a kind heart in spite of his demon nature.
"Sesshomaru," she said, savoring the sound of his name with no honorifics on her lips. Rin braided her hair with a smile across her face and a pink blush in her cheeks.
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Two days passed with Sesshomaru going out of his was to avoid Kohaku and Rin. He couldn't stand the sight of him drooling over what belonged to Sesshomaru anymore, and surely Rin would be upset if he scolded the boy, so instead, he deemed it wisest to avoid them altogether, lest he do something rash. He sat, inhaling the cool night air, thinking on the situation that had managed to develop when he smelled the boy himself approaching towards the pond where Sesshomaru had seated himself atop the large rock in the centre of the water.
"Lord Sesshomaru," he said, coming to the edge of the water.
"What is it?" he asked, not looking at the boy.
"As you have probably guessed, I have not come here for just any reason," he said. Sesshomaru did not like where this was headed one bit.
"I thought as much," Sesshomaru confirmed.
Kohaku hesitated for a moment. "Look, I don't know how to do this, so I'm just going to come out and say it. I want to ask for your permission to ask for Rin's hand."
Sesshomaru thought for a minute, keeping rage from clouding his mind, in hic calmest voice he replied. "No."
Kohaku's fists curled in anger. "Why? I would make an excellent husband. Is it because you think I can't protect her? I would love her and keep her safe always!" he exclaimed.
Sesshomaru stood and turned to Kohaku quick as a blink. "What part of my refusal do you not understand, boy?"
Kohaku looked upon Sesshomaru with rage. "Or is it because you want to make her miserable with you, Dog-Lord?"
Kohaku reflexively pulled his kusaragigama to block Sesshomaru came quick as lightning toward him.
"What's this?" Sesshomaru asked, his face only an inch away from Kohaku's shocked one. He grasped the blade of the kusaragigama with his bare hand. "You are a hundred years to early to challenge me!" Sesshomaru exclaimed, using his free hand to pick the boy up by the throat, throwing him across the garden, the boy's body crashing into the rock Sesshomaru had previously been sitting on and falling into the pond. Surprised fish scattered from where Kohaku fell as the boy stumbled to his feet. "Boy, be gone, and don't let me see your face here again, or I'll break you in two."
Kohaku hurriedly pulled himself from the pond and stumbled from the garden, not pausing, knowing that Sesshomaru never bluffed.
Sesshomaru sat down on the grass and ran a hand through his hair. He sighed. He was supposed to be in control of his emotions. Wasn;t that who he was, the stoic Lord Sesshomaru? Stupid. He slammed his fist into the ground, creating a satisfying hole. How stupid could he be? He slammed his fist down again.
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"Kohaku?" Rin asked, awakening to the sound of someone sneaking in through her patio door.
"Not so loud," he told her in hushed tones, silently moving from her patio door with all the skill of a well trained demon-slayer and crouching at her bedside as she sat up tiredly. "What are you doing?" she asked, rubbing at her eyes with the back of her hand.
"I had to come see you before I leave," he said. It was then he noticed he had his bag slung over his shoulder.
"Leave? Why?" she asked.
Kohaku looked away. She made out in the darkness the shape of his face, the image of annoyance upon him. "Well you see, I made a real fool of myself in front of Sesshomaru and he's very displeased with me."
"Kohaku," she said, gripping his arm. "Don't be so rash, I'm sure Lord Sesshomaru did not mean for you to—"
Kohaku shook his head, still not looking at her. "No Rin, Sesshomaru was very clear. I really must be going now," he said. He grasped the hand that had gripped his arm in his and brought it to his lips, placing a kiss there. He got to his feet, adjusting the pack on his shoulder, and then, he was gone out her patio door as soon as he had come.
What had Sesshomaru done to Kohaku to make him leave like that? She had to know what had happened between them. Rin flung back the quilt and quickly donned her robe, tying it at her waist as she silently as she slid open her chamber doors and crept through the palace to the fourth floor where Sesshomaru's chambers were located.
She stood outside his door a long time, her hand poised to knock on the door. Her breath caught in her throat. She didn't know if she had the courage to confront him. She took a deep breath. "L-lord Sesshomaru?" she called quietly.
After a long few seconds of silence, "Come in, Rin," was his hesitant-sounding reply. She slowly exhaled the breath she had been holding and slid the heavy door open and entered the dark room, turning as her eyes adjusted to the darkness and shutting the door behind her. She turned to her Lord, watching embarrassed as he pushed himself to sit up in his bed. He was wearing only a kosode, and in the dim light that crept in through the window, she saw the paleness of his chest where the garment gaped open, and his silver hair caught the dim light as it fell around him as he sat up. She was glad he could not see how pink she had turned. He was beautiful. Did he not realize what he did to her? The sly dog probably knew exactly what he did to her, Rin thought. Sesshomaru was unaware of very few things.
He ran a hand through his long hair. "Rin, what are you doing here so late?" he asked, knowing full well why she was there. She smelled of nervousness. She smelled of it often of late when she was around him. Had they become so distant that she had to work up courage to speak to him? Was she afraid of him?
She took a deep breath, steeling herself. "I came to ask you what happened with Kohaku," she told him.
Sesshomaru sighed, leaning forward, propping his elbows on his knees. He ignored the fact that his partial nudity was obviously making her uncomfortable "What did he tell you?" he asked.
She shrugged. "Not much. He said he had made a fool of himself, and angered you," she said, walking to his bedside, sitting cross legged at the edge, giving him an inquiring look.
"I think it would be prudent of me to not tell you," he told her, his eyes sliding away from hers.
"I think I have a right to know what happened to my friend to make him leave in the middle of the night, Lord Sesshomaru," she said firmly.
"Rin, I don't think-"
"Sesshomaru, please, I worry for him."
Sesshomaru was surprised for a moment. Rin never said his name with no honorifics. It didn't particularly bother him, but it was mildly shocking. He looked away from her. "The boy asked for your hand, and I refused him."
"He-he did what?" She asked, shocked. Kohaku asked for her hand? They were only friends though. Rin was blindsided. "And is that why you sent him away?" she asked tentatively.
He shook his head. "No, I sent him away because he said something he should not have. I will not tell you what that was, so do not bother," he said crossing his arms over his chest stubbornly. He looked weak and petty in front of Rin. He grimaced. Was he weak? Was he being petty? He looked at Rin angrily. "Why, did I wrongly refuse him? Would you go with the boy?"
Rin recoiled as if she had been struck. She turned her face from him. "No, I would not go with Kohaku," she told him quietly.
"Why?" he demanded. "You're both human, it's perfect, you can bear him a whole damn litter of children in some demon-slayer village," he said, bitterness in his voice.
Rin stood suddenly. She didn't deserve this, least of all from Sesshomaru, who she had given no reason for him to be angry. It hurt her that he was so upset with her. Didn't he see anything? He could be so…so blind! Her hands balled to fists. "Because I don't love Kohaku, you-you…idiot!" she exclaimed, fleeing from the room. The door slammed behind her, leaving only Sesshomaru in the darkness with his own regrets. He ran a hand through his hair, a stress induced habit of his, wondering why he had said those things. Maybe he was an idiot. He certainly felt that way right now.
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Rin punched the floor again, and again. The pain, the distraction; anything to keep her from weeping with the heartache she felt. She wanted to be angry, she wanted to be sad, she wanted to be anything but empty. She felt the growing ache in her chest, and she hated herself for it. No mater how stupid it was, no matter what he did, and no matter how she might try to quash it, she was in love with Sesshomaru. When had it started? She wondered. She had always loved him in her way, she had always wanted to be beside him, but she wondered when that had changed from child-like affection to being in love with him? Why? Was she so masochistic that she was willing to suffer in silence for a man who could not love her? Demons were not incapable of love, Rin knew, but Sesshomaru is incapable of love for me, her mind whispered. He was a demon, and to take a human lover, was one of the greatest sins a demon could commit, in his eyes.
"I love you, and yet you are cruel to me," she said aloud. She sighed. No, Sesshomaru was certainly able to be cruel, but he had always been kind to Rin. Rin knew Sesshomaru cared for her, but she knew that he could never love her.
"You have such a cruel streak sometimes. I'd give you the heart from my chest if I only thought you would take it, but still, you…"
Why do I love you so much? Her mind asked.
She lay down on her futon, curling on her side, in a ball as she used to when she was a child. When she was young, Rin used to imagine that if she made herself small enough, eventually, she would just disappear. She wanted badly to disappear right now. She wanted desperately not to have to face Sesshomaru tomorrow. She wanted to not have her heart hurt whenever she saw him. She wanted just for once to be able to sit beside him and not feel like they were oceans apart from each other.
She felt a tear roll down her cheek, and then another, and another. Soon, she was silently weeping, refusing to make a sound. She curled herself tighter. Kami, why did this hurt so badly? Why did it feel like she couldn't breathe; as if a heavy weight was pressing against her?
Rin heard the door slide open, and scrambled upright, wiping her eyes hurriedly as Sesshomaru walked silently into her chambers, closing the door behind him.
"I'm sorry for what I said to you, my Lord." Rin bowed her head. "It was out of line," she said woodenly, retreating back into the safety of formality.
Sesshomaru inwardly cringed at her formality. That was not his Rin. "No, I am sorry," he told her quietly, sitting at her bedside as she had previously sat at his.
Rin's head shot up. He never apologized. "It's fine," she lied.
Sesshomaru regretted saying those cruel things to her. First he had been incapable of communicating with her on a personal level, rendered incapable of speech by his own pride. Somehow he had deteriorated from that point to accusing her, even insulting her. She did not deserve that. Perhaps Kohaku was right, maybe he did just want to make Rin miserable with him. Sesshomaru hung his head, struggling silently for words, willing himself to say something—anything to fix what he had done.
"Does Rin hate this Sesshomaru?" he asked.
She looked at him with a curious look on her face. "Of course not," she told him. "No matter what happened, Rin could never hate Sesshomaru," she said quietly.
Sesshomaru sat in quiet contemplation for a minute. "Come, Rin, sit with me under the stars," he said finally. He rose to his feet, the sound of the wood flooring creaking beneath his feet echoing loudly in the otherwise silent room. He offered Rin his hand and hoped, prayed in silence that she would take it.
Rin eyed his hand for a moment and briefly considered refusing him, but she sighed, knowing she could never refuse him, least of all when he was like this. She slipped her hand into his, Sesshomaru's long, elegant fingers curling around her small hand. He gently pulled her to her feet and led her onto the patio, catching the quilt from her Futon with his free hand, his other firmly holding Rin's small one. They fell into place naturally, just the way they had done a hundred times before. Sesshomaru sat upright, against the outside wall of the castle, and Rin sat between his legs, her back resting against his chest. Rin secretly relished this moment. Now as an adult, she could appreciate the warm feeling of his chest against her back, and could identify the once abstract feeling from her childhood as the feeling of being warm, and safe, and protected with his-even years later-still dwarfing body wrapped around hers; his legs drawn up on either side of her, his elbows resting on his knees, and his upper body leaned forward with what seemed like fatigue, his hair, a silver curtain around them. In the soft light, he was as sinfully beautiful as a moon-born god. It was almost saddening to Rin, this beautiful man who was here with her, was so different from her.
Rin drew her knees to her chest and unconsciously closed in on herself.
Sesshomaru immediately noticed. "What is wrong?" he asked, inclining his head.
Rin seized one of his hands, Sesshomaru offering no resistance and began to trace the lines in his palm with her index finger. She was surprised at the many scars on such elegant looking hands, and the permanent calluses from handling a sword almost every day for more than five hundred years. "I feel like the closer I get to you, I begin to realize how unfathomably far away you are from me."
"Far away," he mused.
"I feel like you are unreachable to me, Lord Sesshomaru," she told him, her hands stilling around his.
Sesshomaru had never known a title put before his name could be so irritating to his ears. As a child, Rin had treated him as just another man. She called him into childish games, and constantly asked him questions to try and satisfy her insatiable curiosity for the world and all things in it. She used to pull at his hands and unabashedly come and sit herself in his lap when she wanted to talk to him. Now she touched him tentatively and spoke to him in a reserved manor. His Rin had changed, and that was a change that could only blamed on his absence in her life. He had let her grown distant. He had let her think he was untouchable, and cold. This girl, whose life he would readily give up his own for, thought him cold and uncaring? Sesshomaru felt a pain in his heart. She was worth more than anything; more than a sword, more than honor, or bloodline.
Sesshomaru used his free hand to press Rin's head to his chest. "Do you hear my heart?" he asked.
She nodded into his chest. "Yes," she replied softly.
"None other than you can say they own such a large place in it. I am always within your reach."
Rin looked up and smiled so happily that Sesshomaru could not stop the mirroring smile from gracing his features as well. She rested her head back against his chest and slowly, carefully, she slid her arms around him, holding him tightly.
"My heart has always belonged to Sesshomaru," she told him quietly.
Sesshomaru's arms encircled her, and he closed his body protectively around hers, resting his chin on the top of her head.
Rin smiled and buried her face against his chest, relishing in the warmth of his body. Maybe this could be enough for Rin, for now. To own a place in the Dog-Lord's heart was something few others could say, so maybe, for now, that was enough.