Disclaimer: Seriously, do you think I own Bleach? And I don't even have any of the Phoenix Wright games, sad to say.

A/N: Belated V-day/Singles Appreciation Day fic created for FLOL's Valentine's Day celebration. I still can't believe I managed to finish it in time. Enjoy!

Matchmaker Shoten

Urahara thought of himself as a connoisseur of sorts. An… aficionado, if you would. And he didn't bother to hide it, not in the least. It was often a cause of many a would-be customer coming down with a sudden case of the 'running out of the store screaming at the top of her lungs'.

He was never really sure why they panicked so much, when all he did was lean ever so slightly forward, just close enough for his breath to stir that stray hair that she had neglected to tuck behind her ear, and introduce himself as a "devout follower of the temple of Aphrodite-sama". With the way that they tended to flee, it was almost as though they… well, no matter. The one currently standing before him had heard, but was staring up at him with a quizzical expression on her face rather than bolting.

It took him only a moment to find out why. "What's an Afurodai-di, Shopkeeper-san?"

"Ah, how can one as lovely as you never have been compared to Aphrodite-sama?" With a loud snap, Urahara's fan was open and had become a fluttering curtain to mask the barest beginnings of a spine-chilling grin. "She was the greatest of the Greek goddesses, nay, of all the gods in Olympus—if not the entire world!"

The little brunette blushed, ducking her head shyly, and the shinigami-cum-shopkeeper heard a sound not unlike someone grinding their teeth emanating from the nearest wall. He ignored it in favor of beaming at his customer. "But as her loyal servant, I do my best to spread her blessing when I can. Particularly during this time of year."

"Her blessing?"

"The most wonderful of all gifts given to mankind since Prometheus and the flame," he extolled dramatically, reveling in the moment, "a Pandora's Box with a thousand Hopes and no horrors—well," he winked, "maybe a few horrors—"

"Like yourself?"

"Ah, but of course Yoruichi-san, my Hope of Hopes!" He fluttered his fan faster.

"Flattery will get you everywhere," she purred, "but it won't get you everything, not even this time of year. She'll be here in a minute."

"Oh!" The fan folded with an audible snap! And the customer blinked at the suddenly serious expression on Urahara's face. "Jinta-kun! Make some room behind the wall, there should be enough space for the two of you back there!"

He heard a muffled yelp, and the sound of something—or someone—falling over. A seemingly normal spread of wall folded inwards to reveal a scowling boy with a face as red as his hair. "Hurry up!"

The girl squeaked as she was ushered into the little compartment, and after the shopkeeper closed the door he heard enough whispering to be sure that his assistant was explaining things to her, and that there likely wouldn't be any pepper spray or lawsuits or anything as troublesome as that this time around.

Good thing, too… that prosecuting attorney was one of the most terrifying women I've ever met.

At that very moment, Franziska von Karma sneezed. Right into a witness's face. Right before she had been about to snap the teeth of her trap closed on his obvious lies.

That sneeze, unfortunately, gave the perjurer just enough time to calm himself down, and when she went back to questioning him, it didn't exactly go as she had planned.

Somebody was going to be in a lot of pain soon. And if it couldn't be the liar, well then it would just have to be someone else.

Several 'someone else's shuddered, including our favorite shopkeeper. He glanced around, but saw nothing but the now-furry Yoruichi feigning slumber in the corner. Finally he sighed, and turned towards the shelves, picking up a random item—whoops, maybe that one wouldn't be best, he should probably put it away, or better yet hide it until—

The door opened. A head of brightly hued hair peeked in. "Ohaiyo, Urahara-san!"

"Inoue-san?" He feigned startlement as he turned, taking care to slip the offending item back onto the shelf. "What a pleasant surprise! Unless something has happened?"

"No, everything's fine!" Orihime chirped, and then bit her lip. "It's just, I heard that you sell food here, and not just—"

"We sell hopes and dreams, Inoue-san, nothing more and nothing less." He winked. "The fact that they're edible certainly doesn't hurt. Now, may I hazard a guess as to what you're here for?" He pointed at an extremely pink rack with his closed fan. "The Valentine's Day candy is right over there."

"Arigatou, Urahara-san!" She took off her shoes and came into the shop. "But, you see, I was hoping to make it myself this year…"

"For Kurosaki-kun, is it?" Only Orihime's squeak masked the one that came from the hidden cubby. Nevertheless, the shopkeeper was quick to usher his customer away from his other guest. "Never fear, here at Urahara Shoten we live to serve! Now, if I may recommend some of these wonderful recipe books—"

"That's alright, I've got the perfect recipe in mind!" The caramel-haired girl informed him cheerfully. "I just needed the ingredients."

"Say no more!" He clapped his hands and suddenly Ururu was there, holding a paper bag overflowing with food. "We've gotten so many people here for Valentines Day that we've started putting together supplies beforehand."

"You're so thoughtful!" She exclaimed and peeked inside. "Although would it be alright if I added a few more items?"

"Of course, of course." Crap. Well, nobody can say I didn't try… time for plan B. "What did you have in mind?"

"Just a couple things." She assured him, taking out a suspiciously long piece of paper. "Anori, pickled ginger, mayonnaise, and green onions, if that's okay."

Oh, dear. I'm glad I'm not Kurosaki-kun at the moment.

"I'd like to make takoyaki tonight!"

He blinked, and then relaxed. Could it be? Could she actually—

"And for the candy," no, he thought resignedly, she couldn't. "I'd like vinegar, three eggplants, wasabi, shredded cheese, two tomatoes, and a coconut!"

So very, very glad.

The shopkeeper gathered up his customer's unorthodox ingredients and managed to press her into picking out packaging for her candied 'gifts'. Afterwards, he all but shoved her out the door and was hurrying back towards the secret room when she re-entered.

"Gomen," she apologized with a blush, "I forgot my shoes!"

"It's alright, I do it all the time." He lied smoothly. This time, after she had departed, he waited nearly a full minute before sprinting to the other side of the store.

He pushed the compartment open, and the two who had been sheltering there fell out and quickly scrambled away from each other. Both of their faces were of such a hue that the Urahara couldn't help but wonder if Orihime would have taken them instead of those tomatoes.

"I hope you understand why you saw that?" The former Captain of the Twelfth Division asked quietly.

"I think so…" she replied uneasily, being extremely careful not to look at Jinta. "But what can I do?"

"Make sure that your brother forgets his lunch tomorrow, and go to bring it to him." He told her. "Stop by my shop on the way, and if it hasn't already been taken care of whoever is on duty will bring you what you need. When you're done, bring the other one back here for us to dispose of. And make sure to come back after your school day is over to celebrate a job well done."

"If it hasn't already been taken care of?" Kurosaki Yuzu echoed, her blush fading as she blinked up at him in confusion.

"My honored customer..." He flicked open his fan with a chuckle. "Let's just say that you're not the only person interested in this situation."

Yuzu skipped into the store, looking immensely proud of herself. And she had every right to be, since she had been able to switch the candy easily when she had stopped by Ichigo's school earlier. It had been surprisingly easy, and even fun, something that would have probably worried her family had she told them.

She had switched their lunches around, rather than try to distract him enough to make him forget his completely. While he had dug around his bag for her lunch, Yuzu had swiped the seemingly-normal chocolate off of the corner of his desk and replaced it with the much safer version. The little brunette had to admire Urahara's forethought when he had convinced Orihime to pick out the little bags at his store.

And Ichi-nii never had a clue! She giggled at the memory of how she'd been so worried that he'd notice the switch. I can't believe Orihime-chan likes him, Tou-san and Karin-chan will be so happy!

"Yuzu-chan?"

"Tatsuki-chan!" The brunette beamed at her brother's childhood best friend, and his potential girlfriend's current one. "I thought you'd be in on this!"

"You were right." The karate champ peered curiously at the younger girl. "But how do you know Sandal-hat?"

"Who?"

"The guy who owns this place," she waved a hand at the surrounding shelves. "You know, the one who came up with this whole scheme in the first place?"

"Oh, Urahara-san! I shop here every week—you can get all of your groceries for only five hundred yen, isn't that amazing?"

"Five hundred yen?" Tatsuki whistled. "No way."

"Yes way, and also—Jinta-kun, konichiwa!"

The redheaded boy jumped and tried very hard to look as though he hadn't just been eavesdropping. The dark-haired girl had to give him an A for effort, but in everything else his cherry-red face earned him a solid F+. Yuzu scored similarly as she looked everywhere but directly at the boy, even while speaking to him. Even while holding out a suspiciously-brightly wrapped box.

The high-schooler did a double-take. Maybe not so amazing after all…

"Arisawa-san, Kurosaki-san!" They turned to see a certain annoying mad scientist making his way towards them, followed by two other figures… one more recognizable than the other.

"Rukia-chan!"

"Hey, Yuzu-chan, Arisawa-san!" Kuchiki Rukia gave them a cheerful wave.

"So you're the famous Tatsuki Arisawa?" The blonde woman gave her an appraising look, and then grinned. "Orihime-chan's told me a lot about you!"

"Funny, I don't have the slightest idea who you are." The dark-haired girl muttered, an ache akin to an old wound being ripped open anew slashing through her soul. Orihime had never used to keep secrets from her, and even Ichigo hadn't been a pathological liar. Damnit.

"Matsumoto Rangiku, I've been freeloading off of Orihime-chan!" She introduced herself cheerfully. Everyone else sweatdropped.

"Ano, Matsumoto-fukutaichou," The Kuchiki began cautiously, "are you sure you should be saying that so proudly?"

"Why shouldn't I?" The well-endowed woman asked with a toss of her hair. "Say it loud, say it proud! Besides, I've paid her back and then some by switching that candy… now that he won't land himself in the hospital by eating it, they'll be able to date and marry and have tons of insanely powerful mini-chefs, and I'll be able to have all of the delicious food I could eat?"

"Orihime's food… delicious?" Tatsuki's brain tried to process that, and shut down.

"Wait a second, Matsumoto-san…" Yuzu cut in, looking worried. "You said that you switched the candy?"

"Well, of course, who did you think did it?"

"Me." Both Yuzu and Rukia said at the same time. Rangiku blinked, and then took on the same pale hue that they had. The trio turned as one towards the still-broken karate practitioner.

"Ano… Tatsuki-chan?"

"Okonomiyaki and leeks and wasabi, oh my!" She was saying, staring off into the corner and giggling at random intervals.

"Excuse me." Matsumoto stepped forward, raised a hand, and…

"If you slap me, I will make sure that Orihime learns normal cooking even if I have to die trying."

"Slap you? Me? Never." The blonde pasted a patently false expression of angelic innocence on her face. Needless to say, it had none of them fooled. "I was merely going to… stare at you. My breasts have this magical ability to wake anyone up, you see."

The human rolled her eyes with an incredulous snort. "Maybe on straight guys and Chizuru…"

"Arisawa-san, please tell us you didn't switch the bags." Rukia would have gone down on her hands and knees if only Tatsuki had complied. Unfortunately…

"Yeah, I did. Why?" She blinked as the shinigami fell to the ground anyways with a moan. "Are you okay?"

Urahara glanced at his staff. "Who was on duty today?"

All three of them raised their hands guiltily, and Yoruichi's paw went up as well. The scientist sighed. "There goes yet another amazing plan… we'd better find Kurosaki-kun and call an ambulance."

"So, how is it Kurosaki-kun?"

"It's…" Ichigo blinked. "…not bad."

"Oh, that's a relief!" Orihime clapped her hands joyfully, smiling that same smile that had made him suicidal enough to try her food in the first place. "You see, the eggplant exploded when I was making my usual chocolate, and then the vinegar caught on fire and Rangiku-san drove Toushiro-kun insane so that he took the coconuts, and—"

"Don't worry," the orangette said fervently, "this is the best chocolate I've ever had. Next year, don't change a thing."

A/N: You know the drill. Tell me if you loved it, hated it, or just if you plain read it. Reviews a few words long make me squeal. Detailed critiques make me fall over in sheer, unadulterated joy, foaming at the mouth. And if I get twenty-five, I'll write exactly what happened during V-day. If I get fifty, I'll not only write that, but I'll also write Orihime's attempts at becoming the next Willy Wonka (albeit on a much smaller scale), as well as what happened right before the last part, when Ichigo was trying to work himself up to actually eating something that Orihime had cooked. Adorable, their relationship may be, but delicious? Not so much, unless you're Rangiku.

Remember, twenty-five reviews and you get a present! So just donate a sentence or two, it'll only take a minute!