He watched his brother's hands drum the wheel to the beat, the smiling mouth roughly singing the words. Dean was happy. He was happier than Sam had ever seen him.
"Whatchya staring at, Sammy? Do I got some pie left on my face?"
"What? No, sorry."
"Sammy, you're such a little freak sometimes," he smiled at his little brother.
"Better than a pompous ass," he smiled back. Dean went back to singing. Sometimes Sam could see their father in Dean. He'd never say it though. Dean had loved his father, admired him. But only Sam knew what else Dean felt about John Winchester. Sam had seen the bruises left on Dean for years. Heard the rants and raves after John had passed out drunk again about all he had to do was pick up a knife and they'd be free of him. Dean's biggest secret was how much he hated his father for what he'd done to the brothers. When Dean got big enough to fight back, John had stopped. Dean chose to block out all that happened, but you could see the contempt in his eyes when he talked about John.
"I know about the journal Cas got you."
"It wasn't really a secret, Sammy. Thanks for the lack of birthday gift by the way, jerk," he teased.
"It's like dad's."
Dean's jaw set, "How observant, Sam."
"Do you ever think about him?"
Dean didn't say anything.
"Do you remember that night, I think we were in Illinois, he came home so drunk he could hardly stand. And he started yelling at me, 'You brought the demon, Sam. You killed her.' And he hit me. And you broke his nose for it."
"Grown men shouldn't be beating up eleven year old kids, he deserved it. Why the fuck are we talking about this?"
"Do you ever talk to Cas about it?"
"About what? Dad? About getting the shit beat out of me? About hating my own father? No, Sam. I don't fucking tell Cas."
"Why?"
"He already knows. He's been watching since mom died," he said quietly. His teeth were grinding, and his knuckles white around the steering wheel.
"What a great guardian angel."
"That was my response," he paused, "He's not a guardian. He said he 'merely took interest in a special soul to understand human history,' blah blah blah cryptic Castiel shit."
"Do you talk about other stuff that bothers you with him?"
"Like my nosey brother? Yeah. We talk about everything. What's with the Q and A, Sammy?"
"Do you talk about Hell?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"What the fuck is your problem?"
"You're happy. It's weird."
"I'm sorry?"
"I wanted to know if you're actually dealing with stuff or just covering it up."
"We haven't talked about Hell."
"Why?"
"God it's like you're seven years old again 'why, why, why?' because neither of us are ready to talk about it."
"So you are just covering it up."
"Sammy, how about you shut the fuck up and mind your own damn business. I'm happy because Cas makes me happy. Because I finally have someone I can just relax with. Who won't judge me or tease me or use me. It's simple. The dude is in my life and here to say. What do you want me to say?"
"Do you think dad would be okay with it?"
"Jesus Christ, are you trying to get me to hit you?" Sam just waited for his brother to respond. Dean wouldn't look at him, just straight ahead at the road. "No, I think dad would kick my ass for it."
"Because he's a guy or because he's an angel?"
"Both, and because 'getting attached means losing focus on your work. The only person you are supposed to look out for is Sam and yourself.'"
"Do you like him because you get away from me?"
"What?"
"You can get away from me if he's around."
"Are you jealous of my boyfriend? Sammy, I have spent almost every day of my life with you since you were six months old. You are the most important person to me. But that doesn't mean I don't want to punch you in the face sometimes…I'd be lost without you dude, you know that. But yeah, it's really nice to just have some breathing room. You said the same thing about Stanford, so don't you dare get mad at me."
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
It really was. Dean understood. They only had each other. Sam feared losing Dean to Castiel the same way Dean feared losing Sammy to the demon blood or to Ruby.
"I'm happy for you, Dean. Really. The way you guys look at each other, it's how I would look at Jess."
"Thanks, Sammy," he'd relaxed finally.
"Do you ever worry that you're going to end up like him?"
"Obsessed to the point of hurting the only people I have?"
"Yeah."
"No. Not even a little bit. I got you to look out for me. I got Bobby to keep my ego from getting too big, and god knows Cas can and will kick the shit out of me if I fuck him over."
"What happened with Marya?"
"Nothing good."
"Was Cas mad?"
"Mad doesn't even begin to cover it, Sammy."
"But you guys are alright now?"
"We love each other. We worked it out. It's what functional relationships are like."
"Is The Dean Winchester settling down?" Sam teased.
"Sammy, I will punch you."
They both laughed for a while and just dissolved into silence, listening to the music and lost in thought.
"Dean?"
"What is it now, are you going to ask me my shoe size?"
"I already know that. No, I was going to say that I realize I'm an adult, but I still look up to you. Seeing you so happy with Cas gives me hope for things to work out for me. Maybe someday get out of hunting and settle down and have a family."
"Cas and I are not having little winged babies if that's what you're implying."
"No I mean, even with all the hunting bullshit, you found love."
"It kind of waltzed into hell and dragged me out, but yeah I guess."
"Well, it gives me hope no matter the case."
Dean didn't tease him during this moment, didn't even consider it. "I'm glad," was all he said. And he truly meant it.
Author's Note: Thank you all so much for the favorites/followings and reviews! I really appreciate it all. Reviews are love. Hope you don't mind little interlude chapters like this, I think they're important.