Remus sat on the edge of his hospital bed, staring at his feet.

It was almost eight o'clock… almost time to leave and go back up to Gryffindor tower. The Christmas holidays officially began tomorrow. What could he do to keep himself occupied? Wrap Christmas presents? He had already bought them but hadn't wrapped any…there was even one for Sirius…

The fact that he would have to face Sirius tonight was gut-wrenchingly unbearable. They'd have to share a bedroom tonight. They'd have to share friends tonight.

Remus felt a jolt in his abdomen… they'd have to share friends… because they themselves were not friends anymore…

The emotion building in his lungs was painful.

If someone had told him in September that he and Sirius would become like this… he would have laughed enormously, told Sirius, and then they would have laughed together while throwing the sappiest pick-up lines at each other for the entire trip to Hogwarts.

He let out a breathy laugh, thinking about the memories that never happened.

"Sooo, Sirius, are you using the Confundus charm or are you just naturally mind blowing?"

"Did you think platform 9 and ¾ was a little crowded this year, Remus? You know… I can think of something else with the exact same measurements..."

"Hmmm, we should hit the Shrieking Shack when we get there and do some shrieking of our own..."

He shook his head, laughing openly. What was wrong with him?

Pomfrey came in with the last potion and a huge slab of chocolate. She looked sideways at him in curiosity.

"What's so funny?" she said, handing both to him.

"Nothing," he said truthfully.

It wasn't until he had shuffled slowly upstairs to the dormitory and stopped outside the Fat Lady that his panic returned to him.

The faint rumbling of two hundred Gryffindors emanated from the other side. Somewhere in that crowd was Sirius. Only a few yards and the thin canvas of a portrait separated them.

Here, standing out of sight and earshot, he was safe. It was lonely and quiet and isolated… but it was safe…

"Acconite," he said finally to the Fat Lady. He was a Gryffindor for Merlin's sake, he wasn't going to stand in front of his own house and cower in fear.

Loud conversation swept over him. He stepped into the room, looking around until he spotted them sitting with Jacob and Pallas and three members of the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Sirius and James were talking, their hands animatedly forming expressions that coincided with the conversation.

He hesitated, neck starting to burn, and then worked his way through the crowded room to join them.

"REMUS!" James roared, throwing both his arms up in jubilation. He was still wearing his scarlet Quidditch robes from their last practice of the term. "How is your Aunt Mimsy, old chap?"

Remus grinned at him, flopping himself down on an ottoman and trying to ignore the fact that Sirius was sitting next to him in the circle.

"She's not doing so great actually. Might have to see her again next month."

James and Peter donned looks of mock consolation and Peter patted his back comfortingly, barely concealing a grin.

As James launched head first into Quidditch strategy again, Remus chanced the quickest of side glances at Sirius who had stiffened and was looking away from him. Then, startled, he did a double take.

The words burst from his lips before he could stop himself—

"You cut your hair!"

Everyone in the circle roared with laughter at the surprise in Remus' voice. Sirius actually grinned and took another swig of butterbeer but didn't look up at him.

"Uh… yeah… I did…" he said hoarsely.

Remus stared at him, his mouth slightly parted in amazement. Sirius hadn't had a haircut in over a year, and before tonight, it had easily been long enough to surpass his shoulders or pull back into a ponytail.

He'd been able to pull it off well enough, but the absurdity of the length had added an air of silliness to his character. It was an ongoing joke, a way of irking both his relatives and headmistress without having to actually break any rules.

"It was a shock for us too," James laughed. "He just showed up at the pitch after practice with all his hair gone. I walked right past before I realized it was him waiting for me."

"It's not all gone." Sirius grinned back at him.

It certainly wasn't. It was still about five inches at the longest locks, splaying inward so that it was framing his face gracefully and sweeping into his eyes with an effortless sort of elegance. His handsome features were thrown into painful effect, no longer overshadowed by the long iron-straight curtain of black hair.

"Well… it looks…" Remus' voice thinned and fell away.

Sirius turned his head slightly and looked at him sideways. Remus' breath caught for a moment… shit he was handsome…Sirius was definitely growing up. He was no longer the adorable sidekick of James Potter... he was almost a man… when did that happen?...

Sirius let out a soft breath of laughter.

"Thanks," he murmured, looking downcast again at his bottle.

Remus reached for an unopened bottle of butterbeer and popped it. Sirius fell quite for a long while, even when James prompted him. Remus grimaced. If he kept acting like this the others were going to start asking questions.

Remus fidgeted, starting to become very aware of the situation in which they'd last seen each other, and the way Sirius had kissed him so passionately before fleeing…

Did he run away because he was taking it back? What was he expecting of him? And what was this stunt of his, cutting his hair? Not that he minded it though…

He just didn't know what Sirius meant by it all. He needed to speak to him so he could erase any trace from his mind… they were friends, just friends, and come hell or high water they were going to stay that way goddamn it...

"So who's staying for the holidays?" Pallas asked after the Quidditch strategy had wound down a bit.

"None of us." Peter said. "Sirius is going with James and we're all leaving for home tomorrow."

"Damn," said Pallas. "I'm going to have the whole bloody house to myself, I think."

They guffawed sympathetically at him and started suggesting things he could do to keep himself occupied.

"Build one of those jungle traps for a house elf and see if you catch one!"

"Sneak into the first year's dorm and stuff water-light fireworks into the shower drains!"

"I heard Lola, that pretty little blonde thing from Hufflepuff is staying too… maybe she can keep you… occupied."

Sirius stood up suddenly as the others made catcalls at Pallas and he blushed furiously.

"I'm making a trip down to the kitchens, who's with me?" he said.

"Uhck, take them, I'm too sore," James moaned clutching his biceps.

Peter shook his head. He never went anywhere without James' invisibility cloak.

Remus caught Sirius' eye and stared back defiantly.

"Yeah, I'll go," he said standing up.

Sirius seemed unnerved for a moment and looked like he was going to object.

"Hey, get some pumpkin pasties, will you?" James' voice cut in.

Remus took the distraction as an opportunity to slip past Sirius and head towards the portrait hole.

Don't do anything stupid— don't do anything stupid— don't do anything stupid…

The portrait had swung almost closed before he saw Sirius' hand pushing it back open again and stepping into the corridor.

They stared at each other for a moment before Sirius looked past him and they began walking along the hall in silence with a rather large space between them.

Say something.

Remus grimaced again at the tension of it all.

They were coming up on the first corner. Remus glanced sideways and caught Sirius looking hastily away from him. He sped up a little in frustration, turning and slipping quickly down the first flight of stairs.

"Remus."

He stopped and looked around. Sirius stopped at the foot of the staircase and sat down on the second to last step, resting his elbows forward on his knees.

"Can we er… talk?" He looked extremely uncomfortable.

Remus leaned against the opposite wall and tried— rather successfully actually— to keep his expression blank.

"Uhm… about this morning…" Sirius started.

"You had no right hitting me with that spell," Remus spat at him. Something ignited in his chest and he didn't know where his anger was coming from all of a sudden.

Sirius stared up at him warily.

"Yeah, I know…"

There was an awkward pause.

"How far, exactly, does that spell go? What did you— hear?" Remus changed the phrasing of his question, trying to get the answer he most needed.

It worked. Relief crashed into him as Sirius frowned.

"I didn't hear anything… the only thing that spell does is link nerve endings… it doesn't show what you're saying or thinking or anything like that…" he said. He was telling the truth.

Remus sighed deeply.

"I don't understand why this is happening," he said, not looking Sirius in the eye. "I'm not sure what you meant by that little stunt of yours earlier but I don't want anything with you… I just want to stop being so bloody awkward around each other."

He heard Sirius sigh.

"You shouldn't have told me what it was like when you transformed," he said.

Remus looked up in shock, completely confused.

"When I…what? What'd'you mean?"

"In October." Sirius went on. "When I visited you in your bed and you told me about what you go through. The only reason any of this happened is because you—,"

"—But," Remus cut in, frowning. "It has nothing to do with that!"

"It has everything to do with that!" Sirius shot back, visibly frustrated now.

"How the hell do you work that out?"

"Look, something just…changed in me… I haven't been able to look at you the same way since." Sirius looked away from him again as he said this. "I never imagined it was so bad… when I think about what you have to deal with... it's just made me feel like I need to protect you…and that the rest of us are nothing compared to you…"

Remus' mind was racing.

"I told you I don't want or need your pity, or your bloody protection—"

"But why," Sirius said, firing up again. "did you act that way in the alley behind the potions shop? And why did you… this morning…"

"I thought I was dreaming!" Remus shouted at him, furious. "I was tired, I didn't realize it was you—"

"Okay fine, but what about the ally?" Sirius stood up. "And this morning after I left, why the hell did you—?"

No.

Remus was not going to answer that question just so Sirius could revel in it.

"Why did YOU?" he shouted at him. "Why am I always the one who has to answer for you? Why the hell did YOU act that way? After the ally, James thought we'd had a row or something—way to fucking compose yourself, you sulked for the entire trip back in and then you wouldn't even sleep in our dorm! What are you going to do tonight, pitch a tent in the common room? You can't keep acting like this!"

Sirius blinked rapidly, turning his head as if looking for answers in the air.

"I know—I just—uhm—," he shook his head, eyes darting around at nothing in particular.

Remus sighed and leaned against the wall again, clutching his head in his hands.

Sirius seemed to catch his composure before speaking.

"Back in November, when I had to heal your mouth in the hospital wing, I just got to thinking like… I could do that, you know, I could help you after your transformations, and I really wanted to all of a sudden because I hadn't ever realized how much you went through each month… " he started pacing back and forth. "And then later on, in that ally by the potions shop, it just felt strange…. like something had just changed between us all of a sudden. Like it—,"

"Broke."

Sirius stopped pacing and Remus lowered his hands, looking up.

"Yeah, I know," Remus said.

Sirius sat down on the second step again.

"I got carried away, earlier. I thought that spell would be funny, not… mess everything up. But after I left was when I realized what a huge mistake I'd made… as it was happening… I realized this stupid thing between us isn't even funny anymore. And I kind of lost my mind. I shouldn't have kissed you and… I'm sorry."

Remus shook his head in disbelief.

"Sirius, you didn't exactly slip on a banana peel. You ran back and destroyed the curtains around my bed trying to get at me."

Sirius' pale face reddened.

"I'd never…kissed anyone before… I just…really needed to, I guess…"

Remus stared at him.

"I'd never kissed anyone before either," he said softly.

Sirius didn't say anything. They weren't looking at each other anymore. There was very long pause.

The silence of the dark castle pressed in on them. There was ringing— no, it was buzzing… the buzzing of silence that grew and grew… it was suffocating them…

"This'll go away, right?" Remus whispered. His voice was shaking and desperate.

Sirius turned his head. They just looked at each other for a moment, both wearing sad, defeated expressions on their faces.

Then Sirius straightened and stood up.

"This morning, when we were lying together… you really didn't know it was me?"

Remus swallowed and shook his head.

"I didn't look up. I just… didn't… look up…" he broke off lamely.

Sirius searched his face for a moment before taking a cautious step forward.

Remus didn't see it. But he did see the second one.

His eyes widened.

They were much too close to each other now… Remus couldn't see anything except the way his raven hair now swept gracefully forward onto his porcelain skin… he wondered what it would feel like to run his fingers through it the same way Sirius had been caressing him just that morning… he couldn't focus on anything but Sirius' lips and the way they trembled slightly as he took another step closer, his face tilting as he leaned in, completely invading Remus' space…

Remus' breath caught and his eyes fluttered shut, closing the small gap between them and brushing their dry lips together. It was soft and warm and exactly what a textbook kiss should be… Sirius kept his hands in his pockets, not pushing Remus or grabbing him… this was just an experiment.

After what felt like an extremely too-short period of time, their heads were moving away from each other and Sirius' smoldering eyes were searching his again.

Remus was completely defeated. He knew his wretched eyes gave him away… he wanted this so much more than he could ever admit to…but he didn't understand…

"Why did you do that?" he whispered.

Sirius grinned, eyes glittering. He leaned in again, cocking his head to the side, and whispered into Remus' ear—

"Look up."

He did.

A cluster of mistletoe with a bright red Christmas ribbon was hanging directly above him.

Sirius stepped away from him, laughing softly at the expression on Remus' face.

He just looked at Sirius in disbelief, shaking his head resignedly before pushing past him and continuing downstairs to the kitchens.

"You bloody ponce…"

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