4. I Am a Vampire
I could barely sleep that night. Everything happened so fast, I started thinking that maybe I just dreamt it all up. Then I noticed the burgundy box on the night stand and knew that this was no dream. Everything that I know now, everything that I saw really did happen. Even though I believed it, knowing that I am a vampire and knowing that they exist in the first place still seemed unreal. Logically, none of this made sense, or at least it shouldn't. But it did to me. Today I would walk up to the Cullen's and tell them I want to know how to be what I am; a vampire.
I stepped outside and breathed in the fresh, morning air. It smelled like fresh rain, nothing too surprising for Forks. I was about to make my way over to the Cullen's when a better idea came to mind. Being a vampire, I had immense speed and, for quite some time, have been prevented from utilizing that speed. Nothing was holding me back now. And what better way to start learning how to be a vampire than to revisit what I already knew how to do? I did a quick look over my surroundings, deciding which direction to take my first step. I looked to my right, then to my left. I was surrounded by trees. I decided not to think and to just go, rely on my instincts. With that in mind, I pivoted to the left and propelled forward. At first I was just running, like any other person would. I had suppressed it for so long; I was accustomed to running at a 'normal' speed. I had to force myself to let go. I hesitantly closed my eyes and pushed my legs to go faster. I revisited the vision I once had of trees passing me in a blur. I opened my eyes and the vision was my reality. It was so exciting! The speed and the exhilaration that came from it was incredible. I've never felt like this before. Then the problem hit me. How do I stop? I closed my eyes again, this time focusing on slowing down. Before I knew it, I was at a brisk jog. I stopped and leaned against a nearby tree. I wasn't even that tired.
Amidst my excitement and joy came a slight problem. I had no clue where I was. I looked all around me, turning in every direction, but all I could see were trees. If there was any time I'd wish Edward would read my thoughts, it would be now. It was stupid to run off on my own like this. There was a rustle in the trees that startled me. For all I knew, it could be that big wolf thing that I saw before.
"So you discovered your speed..." The familiar voice said behind me.
"Yeah, it's amazing." I said, turning to look at Edward.
"You're in the Olympic National Park" He replied to a thought of mine. "Let's go" He held out his hand.
I placed my hand into his ice cold palm. He turned his head away from me and closed his eyes. It seemed as though he wasn't breathing.
"Are you alright?" I asked.
"Your blood smells...very appetizing to us. It'll take a while to be immune to that smell."
My eyes widened in horror. Oh my God, they've all been backing away from me because they want to eat me. I began to tremble as I tried to accept the thought that this would be my last moment alive.
"You don't have to worry, Elina, we don't feed off of human blood. We like to call ourselves 'vegetarians' because we only feed off of the blood of animals. We've learned to live among humans and that's why we're able to keep a permanent residence here in Forks." Edward explained. I gulped, relieved that my life would be spared.
"Oh... so that's why you all backed away from me, because I smell...edible?"
"Yes."
"Carlisle didn't really back away though..."
"Yes, Carlisle has a lot of experience."
Before I could say anything else, we were running. We were back at the Cullen's in seconds.
Edward was walking towards the steps, still holding on to my hand, when I stopped him.
"If I'm half vampire, why do I smell so good to you?" I asked.
"You're still part human, Elina. It could be that you're human part is dominant over the vampire part, but nevertheless you are human."
"I guess so...but it's still odd. I mean, I'm one of you, but you all want to have me for dinner. It just doesn't make any sense."
"Your heart beats, blood flows through your veins...my heart doesn't beat, nor does blood flow through my body. Do you understand?"
"Yeah...hey, how can you be so close to me and hold my hand if I smell so...appetizing?"
"I suppose I have a great deal of self control. This isn't the first time I've had to suppress this kind if hunger."
"What do you mean?"
"When Bella was human, her blood smelled irresistible. It took some time, some conditioning before I could even kiss her. It was like her blood was specifically made for me. I had never wanted a human's blood as much as I did hers. But I fought it."
"Does my blood smell better than Bella's?"
"I suppose. It's very similar. But yours is stronger, for some reason. I never thought anything could call to me like Bella's blood did. But, here you are."
"Oh..." I turned away to hide the fact that I was blushing. I felt a cold touch under my chin and I was pulled to meet Edward's gaze. He smiled.
"You remind me a lot of her in some ways, when she was human."
Before we could continue the conversation, the front door opened. Bella stood there, holding Renesmee in her arms. Edward went to her side in an instant. They were an amazing couple, those two. Their story was compelling: a human and a vampire fall in love have a baby and spend eternity together. It was like something out of a fairytale; a bit of a dark fairytale, but still magical just like one. They walked into the house and Edward turned to see where I was. I followed them inside.
I noticed Jacob on the floor with Renesmee when I got in. They were laughing and playing; it was cute. I just stood there, admiring them. I had almost forgotten the reason I came to speak to the Cullen's in the first place. I tried not to think about it because I knew Edward would hear me and I wanted it to be somewhat of a surprise. I heard Edward laugh in front of me. My current thoughts were: la la la la...
Carlisle and Esme walked in just in the nick of time. I would just come out and say it.
"Carlisle, Esme, I'm glad you're both here. I have something I want to ask of you." I said, without wasting any time. Jacob perked up a bit to hear what I had to say.
"What is it, dear?" Esme replied as kindly as always.
"I would like for you, all of you, to teach me how to be a vampire."
"WHAT?" Jacob jumped up angrily.
"Jacob" Bella said sternly, placing her hand on his shoulder.
I looked at him, confused as to why he was so upset by my question. It's not like it had anything to do with him. This was about me fully becoming who I am.
"What's wrong with just being who you are? Why do you have to be a bloodsucker too?" Jacob stormed off.
I just stood there, dumbfounded. Why was he reacting this way?
"Don't take it personally; he still has a bit of a problem with vampires." Edward excused Jacob's behaviour.
"Why? He hangs around with all of you, why would he have a problem? He knows what I am."
"It's a long story... nothing you need to worry about right now"
I went outside to find Jacob. He was sitting on the front steps with his head cradled in his hands. I took a seat next to him. He moved away from me slightly when he noticed I was there. His reaction to me threw me off a bit. I didn't get it.
"Jake, what's your problem?" I asked, trying to sound as concerned as possible.
"Nothing" He was clearly angry. He wouldn't even look at me. He would stare at the ground or look to his left, anything to avoid me.
"Obviously there's something. Please, tell me why you don't want me to learn how to be a vampire."
"I just don't. You're perfect just the way you are Elle, why do you want to be one of them?" I could hear the hurt in his voice. It pained me to know he was hurt like this, but it still upset me that he didn't understand my decision.
"Because I am one of them, Jacob, don't you get it? Regardless of if I learn how to be a vampire or not, it's still in me. It will always be a part of me. If I don't learn now, there will always be a part of me I'm missing. I can't go on being half of who I am."
He shrugged.
"It's like if you know you were Quileute but had no knowledge of your culture. Wouldn't you want to know that part of you? Doesn't it make you feel whole, knowing exactly who you are, Jake?"
"I guess...it's more than that, though. They drink blood, Elina. They're killers. I know that half of you is one of them, but do you really want to be a killer?" He said, finally looking me in the eyes.
"No...But they don't kill people. Sure, I may not relish in the thought of killing an animal either, but it's something I have to do. I may never do it again after my first time. I just need to know what it's like. And they can help me with my visions. It's so much more than sucking blood out of something. It's about finally feeling complete."
"Okay, I get it. But it doesn't mean I like it." He said, a smile tugging at the corner of his lip.
"Thank you for understanding. It means a lot to me. You know, I feel like I can tell you anything. I've never felt so secure with anyone else before." I confessed.
"I'm glad to hear that." He looked at me and smiled. He put his arm around me and I rested my head against his chest. I could hear his strong heart beat.
"You can tell me anything, Jake. You know that, right?" I whispered. He tensed up.
"Uh...yeah." He mumbled.
I pulled away from him and looked at him. He wouldn't look at me again.
"Is there something you're not telling me?"
"No, I...well, it's just...complicated."
"Try me"
"Okay...you know how you're half human, half vampire?"
"Yeah"
"Well, I'm a..."
"Jacob!" Edward opened the front door, right before Jacob was about to tell me what he was keeping from me. "Renesmee is asking for you." He gave Jacob a firm look.
Jacob sighed and stood up. I watched him as he walked inside. Edward remained at the door. I got up to go in, but he stopped me in front of him.
"Bella and I are going hunting later. Will you join us?" he asked, eagerly.
"uh, sure..." I proceeded to go inside, but was stopped once again.
"Elina, be careful around Jacob." Edward said, walking away before I could say anything.
Why would I have to be careful around Jacob? He didn't seem dangerous. I felt safest when he was with me. Clearly, there was something I was missing about Jacob. But, whatever it is, I wouldn't care. I really liked him and he seemed to feel the same way about me.
Jacob was sitting with Renesmee in the living room. He looked up at me as soon as I walked in, and then looked away quickly. Edward was behind me and had a hard look on his face. I was getting really sick of all of these secrets. Whatever it was, Edward did not want me knowing.
I walked up to Jacob and Renesmee slowly. He really loved Renesmee. He was so gentle with her and was always smiling when he was with her. It was like he was a big kid when he was with her, yet still protective like an older brother would be. Renesmee hopped off the couch and skipped over to me. I knelt down to her eye level and smiled at her. She placed her hand on my cheek and a vision appeared in my mind. It was Renesmee and I running in the woods and this huge, wolf-like creature next to Renesmee. It was just like the creature I had seen a few nights ago at Edward's house. Renesmee's hand left my face and the vision was gone. Did she just do that? Did she show me that vision? She giggled and skipped over to Jacob, taking hold of his hand, and pulled him over to me. She took my hand and placed it in his. For a little girl, she seemed very intuitive.
I looked up at Jacob. He was staring back at me, passionately as he always did, but this time there was something else in his eyes; something that tortured him from inside.
"Would you like to take a walk with me?" He asked, looking at the floor.
I nodded and he led me towards the door. I caught Edward's gaze as I walked by him. Renesmee tugged on his arm and he turned to look at her. I felt relieved. His gaze was always strong, like it was weighing me down. I tensed up, beginning to feel worried about his warning about Jacob. Maybe he was right; maybe I should be careful around Jacob. But the second Jacob looks me in the eye every worry I've ever had disappears. How can someone who makes me feel so safe and secure be harmful to me? I didn't believe it.
We continued to walk in the woods. I could barely see the Cullen's house anymore. Jacob stopped walking, but I was too caught up in my thoughts to realize it. I bumped into him.
"Whoa" he whispered, placing his hands on my shoulders. He put his hands down by his side quickly and took a step back.
"Sorry" I mumbled.
It was silent. I hated awkward silences, nothing felt worse. I took it upon myself to start up some kind of conversation.
"I'm going hunting later with Edward and Bella." I announced. He clenched his jaw.
"Why?"
"You know why. Edward asked me if I would join them and I accepted the invitation."
"Have fun, then" He said angrily as he turned away from me.
"What is it that's got you so angry with me?" I asked, fed up with his constant disapproval of my decision to learn how to be a vampire.
"I'm not angry with you" He said, jaw still clenched.
"Yes you are. Would it make you happy if I didn't go tonight? Would it make you happy if I pretended I wasn't a vampire? What is it, Jake?"
"Honestly, yeah it would. It would make me even happier if you weren't a vampire at all." He said sternly, walking away from me.
"What?" I whispered. His words stung me. He didn't like me. That was it all along. He can't accept me for who I am. Jacob stop and turned to the side, still keeping his gaze away from me.
"I'm sorry." He whispered, yet the apology didn't sound like it was sincere. It was like he just said it because he realized he had hurt me. "It's more than you being a vampire. I just...I don't even know where to begin or if it's even worth explaining."
"Try" I begged.
"I..." He began, but then trailed off. I thought I heard him whisper that he was wrong. Wrong about what? Why did everything with him have to be so complicated?
"Jake I like you...a lot. I feel things when I'm with you that I've never felt and it's crazy because I practically just met you, but it just feels right. I...I don't know" I spewed my feelings out to him, hoping he would meet me half way and that we could work this out. I stared at the ground, holding in my tears. Suddenly I felt his warm hand on my cheek and the tears escaped. I looked up at him and he was looking back at me. His big hands wiped the tears from my cheeks.
"Elle, I feel so strongly about you, I can't even explain it. It's just something beyond me and you that make me second guess all of this. But then I see you and my feelings are so strong." I could tell he was trying to tell me something, but wouldn't allow himself to give in.
"Jake, what is it? You can tell me, whatever it is. I won't judge you." I said, placing my hand on his cheek. I pressed my thumb against his soft, warm lips. He inched closer to me. The heat of his breath was released onto my face. Our lips touched and suddenly they were moving in perfect harmony with each other. It felt like in a movie when the couple finally kisses, and everything is spinning. Then, all too quickly, his arms we at me waist pushing me away.
"What is it?" I said, breathlessly.
I heard a cough behind me and turned to see Edward and Bella standing there. I blushed; I wasn't expecting an audience for my first kiss with Jacob. A smile tugged at Edward's mouth. Bella seemed to notice too, and looked a bit hurt.
"Shall we?" Edward asked.
"I guess so..." I hated to have to leave this too perfect moment with Jacob. I wished he could come with me.
"You can see him later, Elina. We have to go." Edward said, obviously listening to my thoughts. I shook my head in frustration. Will there ever be a time where my thoughts will be my own and not heard by a third party? I let out a slight grunt and trudged forward to follow Edward and Bella. I turned back to look at Jacob, but he was gone.
We were running now, I wasn't sure where to, but I followed without asking questions. Edward reached his hand out to Bella and she placed hers into his. They were such a beautiful couple, not only physically but their love for each other just shone from them. It almost made me want to cry to see how in love they were. It made the whole idea of a soul mate seem true. I never really believed it that sort of thing that everyone on this earth has a soul mate that is just for them. It seemed silly to me. How could that be possible? What if you never met your soul mate? What if you do and they died? There are just so many discrepancies with the concept of a soul mate that I just never believed it. Then again, I never believed vampires existed either, so I could be wrong.
Edward and Bella stopped running and so I stopped as well. I stood a step behind them, in between them. Edward turned his head slightly towards me. He didn't say anything though, he just smiled. Did he expect me to just go off and hunt now? He laughed. Of course, he heard that.
"Of course not, just listen." He instructed.
"To what?"
"Close your eyes and concentrate. Forget about your thoughts and forget about being human. Rely on your instincts. Listen to your surroundings. What do you hear?"
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and closed my mind off to my thoughts. It was harder than I thought. How can you just turn off your brain? What on earth was I supposed to do? I wasn't hearing anything.
"Elina, stop thinking about it, just do it." Edward said calmly. I opened my eyes, frustrated that I wasn't doing this right.
"It's hard. I can't just shut myself off, Edward. I need something to focus on so my thoughts don't interrupt the silence."
"Close your eyes. Listen to my voice." He said. It wasn't hard to lose myself in the melodies of his voice. "Listen to the breeze brush past you; the rustle of the leaves; the small creatures scrambling about around you; the rush of the creek; the thud of hooves trembling the ground beneath you. Listen to their hearts beating, the blood flowing through their veins. Now breathe in through your nose. Smell the creek, the elk, their blood...now, find it." His voice was all I needed to instruct me.
I let myself go to my instincts. I took another breath in and turned my head in the direction of the odour. It wasn't the greatest smell, but I could hear their hearts and the blood that pumped from it and that's what I was after. I opened my eyes, crouched and ran after it. I saw three elk drinking water from the creek and narrowed down my target. It was a young buck with horns just beginning to break the surface at the top of its head. That was the one. I pounced on him and nailed him to the ground. He struggled, making it a bit difficult. I fought back and sank my teeth into its neck. Blood gushed out and flowed into my mouth. This thirst took over and I was draining this elk dry of its blood. When I was finished I was out of breath and felt like a savage. I could still taste the blood in my mouth and it was a kind of foul taste. It was palatable and quenched my thirst, but it wasn't as delicious as I thought it would be. The after taste was kind of gross. I felt different, stronger, like I could snap a tree in half. I've never felt so strong and healthy before in my life. Then I looked down at what I had made my lunch.
I stood there, staring at the lifeless body of the young being I had just killed. I felt mournful over it. I just killed something that didn't deserve to die. But, as bad as I felt, I enjoyed hunting. There was something about letting go and letting my instincts take over that was blissful. Not thinking or worrying about things, to fall into this state of nothingness...it was very satisfying.
"Nice job" I heard Edward's voice behind me. I licked my lips, cleaning the remnants of blood from my kill and turned to meet his eyes.
"Thanks" I said, proudly.
"The first time is something, isn't it?" Bella stepped out from behind Edward and stood next to him, interlocking her hand with his.
"Yeah it was incredible. I feel kind of bad for the little guy, though."
"It's better than a human." Edward said, almost sarcastically. "How do you feel?"
"I feel amazing and strong. Thanks for helping through it at the beginning."
"You're welcome. Your mind never stops; your thoughts are just ongoing. Even when you sleep, you think about the strangest things." He smiled and laughed to himself.
"When I sleep? How would you know what I think when I sleep? Oh my...have you been watching me?"
"I was simply passing by one night and overheard one of your thoughts. It was nothing, really." He turned to look at Bella, as if to reassure her that it was nothing. Bella looked at me and then walked away.
"Is she alright?" I asked. She always seemed so sad or hurt when I was around with Edward.
"I don't know, I hope so." He whispered.
"Is it something I said?"
"No, it's not your fault. It's just...she thinks I regret turning her."
"You had no choice. Plus you love her so much; it's what you both wanted, right?"
"Yes. Sometimes I wonder if she knows just how much I love her. When she heard that I craved your blood the first time I met you the same I did hers when I first met her, it hurt her. She always enjoyed that she was the only one who could affect me in that way and then you came along. Then she heard me when I told you that you reminded me of her when she was human and now she believes I wish she still were human."
"Do you?"
"No. My love for her is so deep, nothing could replace it. I belong to her, as she does to me. Nothing will ever change that. I never thought I could love her anymore than I already did, but when she became a vampire I loved her even more. I could finally touch her, be with her, without worrying about hurting her. We can be together without any complications. It's all I've ever wanted in life."
"Did you tell her that?"
"I've tried, but she won't listen. She's still a bit human in that sense. Bella always had this crazy idea that she wasn't good enough for me when she was human, that must have stayed with her."
"Edward, I'm sorry. I would never want to break you two apart. Maybe I should talk to her. If she knew how I felt about Jacob, maybe she would understand."
"How do you feel about Jacob?" He asked, curiously.
"I don't really know. When I'm around him I get these feelings that I've never felt for anyone before. I feel safe with him. And the way he looks at me – no one has ever looked at me so intensely. It burns through me, but in a good way. It's hard to explain..." I smiled at the thought of Jacob.
"You really feel that strongly?" Edward asked, seeming sceptical.
"Yes."
"Just be careful. I don't want you to get hurt, Elina. It may not be right now, but some day...just be careful with him."
"Why? I don't understand why you keep warning me about him."
"You will soon. He's going to tell you about it tonight."
"Why don't you just tell me? You obviously know what it is."
"It's something he should show you for himself." Edward said, before running off. I quickly followed him, since I wasn't too sure where I was.
As I ran, I reflected on what Edward had said to me. Jacob would have to show me what his secret is. I was completely baffled. And I would have to be careful some day. Careful of what?
Back at the Cullen's, an unfamiliar face stood amongst them. She was pale like the rest of them but with strong, aboriginal features. She had long, black hair that flowed on either side of her face and sharp, golden eyes. She wore a long, flowing, white skirt with a brown blouse. She smiled at me and nodded when I entered the room. Carlisle and Esme stood on either side of the stranger.
"Elina this is Donoma, she can help you control your visions." Carlisle reached his hand out, inviting me to step closer.
"Hello, it is a pleasure to meet you, young one." Donoma greeted me with a slight accent. She reminded me a bit of Pocahontas.
"Yes, it's nice to meet you." I said, shaking her hand. The coldness of her skin shocked me, although it's the temperature I had expected.
"My apologies, dear one. Now, shall we begin?" She extended her arm towards the couch. I proceeded to sit down and she followed. There were a bunch of items scattered across the coffee table. There were photos, a hair brush, a book, a stick, head phones and a box. Donoma picked up the photograph first. It was an old picture, black and white with a bit of wear and tear. The couple in the photo were stiff and proper. The woman wore a frilly dress and a bonnet and the man wore trousers and a long, frock coat. I would have guessed this was from the Victorian era, sometime during the 1800s.
"Here is a photograph of a couple. I will place this in your hands. I want you to concentrate on them. Place yourself in that photo, amongst them. Feel their presence. Place yourself at that exact moment in time." She instructed as she handed the photo to me. I grasped it at the corner, above the man's head. I held on to it with both hands, concentrating on their faces. I closed my eyes, using the technique from hunting earlier today. I remembered Edward's voice instructing me and, almost immediately, I let go of my thoughts and surrendered to my instincts. I opened my eyes and was standing in front of the couple, behind the photographer responsible for the photograph in my hands.
"Smile, Dr. Dawson, Mrs. Dawson! Julia, be sure to write down the names of both Doctor Gregory Dawson and his wife Emilia, as well as the year, 1879. Do get the numbers right this time!" I heard the photographer call out to a young girl in a much less extravagant dress. She scrambled the names and the year down on a sheet of paper.
I was shaken back to reality. I was so proud of myself and so thankful to Donoma, I've never been able to have a vision willingly before.
"Tell me, who are they?"
"The man is a doctor named Gregory Dawson and his wife is Emilia. The year was 1879."
"Good, now the hairbrush!" Donoma carefully picked up the silver hair brush. The back had gorgeous floral detailing. There were blonde strands of hair weaved into the bristles of the brush. Donoma placed it into my hands and again, I let my instincts take control. I watched as a young, blonde beauty brushed her hair. It looked like Rosalie, but I couldn't be sure. She wasn't as pale and her eyes weren't the usual golden color. This had to be from when she was human.
This time, I willed myself out of the vision. Something else I've never been able to do.
"This was Rosalie's?" I asked, but sort of already knew the answer.
"Yes, it's something she's kept from her human life." Esme chimed in.
"Excellent! Here, take these headphones. Place them in your ears and listen." Donoma coached me through.
I closed my eyes and listened. The most beautiful melody was playing. It was on a piano. I didn't want to stop listening, but knew I would have to return to reality sooner or later.
"That was the most beautiful thing I've ever had the pleasure of listening to. It was a melody played on the piano." I began to hum it.
"My lullaby" Bella whispered. "Those are my headphones."
"It's beautiful, Bella. It suits you." I smiled at her and she returned the smile.
"Well, you're doing a spectacular job, young one. You barely needed my assistance." Donoma laughed.
"Donoma, I appreciate what you've done for me more than you'll ever know. Thank you." I said, placing my hand over hers to show my gratitude.
"Well, I better go. Make sure you practice your gift, dear one. It is a special one. Eventually, you can work your way up to that red box." She winked as she glided away through the door.
How did she know about my box? Regardless, I wouldn't be venturing back into it for a very long time