Remus stared at the page with wide eyes.

… fucking you into the mattress… the sound of your voice when you're cuming…

There was something wrong with his lungs. They weren't breathing properly. Lust and adrenaline was buzzing through his veins.

He looked up. James was talking with Pallas who had just come up from the common room as well. Sirius' curtains were still shut, unmoving.

He gulped… his throat was painfully dry all of a sudden. His fingers trembled and before he realized he was doing it, he had picked up a quill from his nightstand and pressed it to the page.

Sirius—

And that's where he stopped.

What could he possibly say to him? This was the boy who he had grown up with for five years. He'd known Sirius since before either of them had ever thought about girls or sexuality, before the Animagus transformation, before Sirius had known about his lycanthropy. They were best friends. He was one of the only friends Remus had ever known. What if he screwed that up?

No. It was already screwed up. The time to play it safe had come and gone a long time ago. They had kissed. They had snogged. They had jerked each other off. He had practically assaulted Sirius in the shower, thrusting into his mouth and cuming down his throat…

Remus gasped inaudibly, head spinning with the memories of their time together. He forced his hand to stay steady as he pressed the quill against the journal again.

You get off by thinking about fucking me? Are you getting off right now?

He paused, face burning with his own nerve. His ears felt fuzzy and hot. He couldn't believe those words had come out of him, written in his own handwriting.

He reached for his wand, sighed, cringed a little, and cast the enchantment.

He instantly looked up at Sirius' curtains as if expecting him to throw them back and stride over to him. Maybe Sirius would ravage him the way he dreamed of…

Remus' closed his eyes. They were burning with desire. He couldn't stand it…

He stayed like that for a long time. Five minutes passed… ten minutes. He sensed there was a reply but he was afraid of what it might say… or what it might make him do…

Finally, he opened his eyes. And there it was.

Remus-Not yet, but I will. All I can think of is the way you look when you're naked and spread open under me. I love it when you say my name. You almost never do, but I love it. It makes me lose my fucking mind how hot you are. And the way you taste… I could spend hours doing filthy things to you and not be even close to satisfied. But more than anything, I want you to want me as much as I want you. And I'm going to jerk off now pretending it is you because we both know my last sentence won't ever be true. But I can live with it.

Remus blinked.

This was getting so far out of control. He could just imagine Sirius right now, hidden behind those curtains, solitary and in the throes of ecstasy.

He groaned to himself.

This was happening too fast. He could no longer keep up with this raging hormonal mess he'd gotten himself into. Someone was going to get hurt, or more than someone. He could get hurt.

This realization hit Remus suddenly with the force of a blugder.

He was in the worst position of anyone. Sirius could leave him and cut off his friendship. Mary could ruin him if she found out what was going on. He'd be friendless and rejected if this situation blew up in his face. The shame and guilt would be on his shoulders alone.

Suddenly, those words Sirius had spoken to him earlier echoed in his head.

"…would you leave her for me?"

Remus stared down at the journal again. Sirius had looked so vulnerable as he said that… this was so real to him in a way that it was never real for Remus.

He closed the journal and sat back into his pillows again.

The only way to mend this was to pick one of them. Maybe not tomorrow morning, but soon. Very soon, before catastrophe could leap on such a tantalizing opportunity.

Two weeks.

Remus nodded. He would choose who he wanted to be with in two weeks time, no matter what the consequences. Because the consequences of not choosing would be much worse.

He glanced over at his calendar— two weeks would put him on the seventh of March.

He could do that… he wondered if the time would fly by or drag on, because he honestly couldn't figure out how he felt about this. If he was dreading it, the time would fly by. If he was looking forward to it, it would seem like an eternity.

I guess I'll find out.

Remus sighed again and flipped over in his bed, ready to fall asleep. He glanced one more time at the curtains drawn around Sirius' bed.

They'd talk it out in the morning. Like they always did. They'd talk and patch things up until the next argument or practice session. That was their whole relationship so far… one earth shattering event after another.

Remus frowned. If he was going to give this a fair shot, things between them needed to calm down…

.x~*~x.

"Uh… what the hell was that?"

Remus grinned and stepped around Sirius' frozen posture to get his toothbrush.

"Nothing."

Sirius' hand was still lifted, pressing his razor against his jaw line mid-swipe. He turned to stare at Remus who began brushing his teeth absentmindedly.

In an effort to not make a huge event out of responding to the journal entry, Remus had decided a much more casual way of showing recognition of it was to simply waltz into the bathroom as Sirius was shaving and shove him against the counter to kiss him breathless.

He glanced into the mirror at Sirius. His lips were flushed red and he was panting, eyes slightly glazed over, and his pajama pants pulled a little too tightly over his groin. Remus bent over and washed his mouth out, reaching for the towel.

"See you at breakfast," he murmured and threw the towel over Sirius' face before sliding out.

Or trying to…

Remus felt himself jerked backward. Sirius had snatched the towel off and reached out to grab Remus' forearm to pull him back inside.

"Are we going to talk about this?" Sirius growled at him, snapping the door shut a little too loudly.

Remus gulped. His cool was gone all of a sudden.

"What's to talk about?"

Sirius stared at him as he used the towel to wipe the last bits of shaving cream from his jaw.

"Did you get my last—"

"Yeah, I got it." Remus interrupted, his face turning red. "But… I need some time."

Remus' brown eyes connected with those stormy grey ones. Sirius' animosity slid away, the anger in his face turning swiftly into anxiety.

Remus winced and reached up to brush back a stray lock of black hair. He hated Sirius looking vulnerable like this. It almost scared him because it was so far out of his character— Sirius was brave and impulsive and aggressive. Anything else was just unnerving.

He felt Sirius shiver under his touch and straighten up a little. Remus grinned and clapped him on the shoulder before turning to leave again. Sometimes, with Sirius, words were just so unnecessary…

.x~*~x.

Mary frowned down at the chess board. Her brown hair swung forward and the sun's rays hit it, turning the strands into speckling golden colors.

Finally she reached out and picked up her Queen, slid it all the way across the board, and snatched up Remus' knight.

"Damn! I was hoping you wouldn't see that."

Mary laughed and added the knight to her much larger collection of figures.

"I'm much more perceptive than you think I am." she said faking an air of mystery.

Remus laughed and reached out to slide one of his pawns forward.

It was Thursday afternoon during their free period before Ancient Runes. James and Sirius, the math boys, had a double Arithmancy on their schedule today. Peter, who had signed up for Arithmancy at first but had long since flunked out of the class, was snoozing on the couch next to them after eating too much at lunchtime.

"So your birthday is coming up, isn't it?" Mary said as she studied the board again.

"Yeah," Remus said surprised. "How do you know that?"

He felt a little jolt in his chest as he tried desperately to remember when her birthday was. He could vaguely remember wishing her a happy birthday a few years back, but not what month it was in.

"I just know it's in March because of the party." Mary grinned at his panic. "Mine's in June by the way."

"Oh." Remus sighed in relief. "Sorry, not very good on memory. Yeah, mine's the tenth. The party's gonna be on the first Saturday"

Remus felt his heart drop though. Like some cruel joke from the universe, the full moon fell on the same night as his birthday this year. Sirius and James had only just realized this the day before, even though Remus had been dreading it for months.

"So I was thinking…," Mary continued, smiling slyly, "that since you three celebrate your birthdays together on the party day… that maybe you could save the tenth just for us?"

Mary bit her lip, her eyes flashing as she tried to communicate to him non-verbally what her intentions were.

Remus' eyes widened. Mary threw her head laughing, obviously taking his nervousness as some sort of adorable show of excitement. But he was far from anticipating anything.

Oh, shit…

There were two things wrong with that day. The biggest problem wasn't even that he'd be faking a trip to his sick Aunt Mimsy… it was that his birthday happened to be three days after his mental cutoff date to choose between Sirius and Mary. How could he promise her something when he wasn't sure they would even be together at that point?

Hell, he wasn't even sure he'd be with anyone at that point. Remus had already decided that if it was too hard to choose between either of them, that he'd simply break it off with both until he could figure out what was going on with his hormones.

"Mary…" he started to say but his voice cracked. He cleared it and started over. "Mary… I er… I won't actually be here on the 10th."

Mary looked up at him and frowned.

"You can't go see your sick Aunt any other day but your birthday?" Mary said incredulously. Like the rest of the fifth years she knew the story of his monthly disappearances as well as anyone.

Remus' heart sped up. Behind Mary, Peter had woken up and realized where the conversation was going. He quietly climbed over the back of the couch and started tip-toeing out of the common room, giving Remus a good luck! look as he went.

"Look— she uh, wants to give me a present and all that, so that's why she wants to see me on my birthday." Remus invented.

"Why can't you just tell her that you have a party scheduled or something?"

Remus opened his mouth and hesitated.

"Well… it's just that… she knows about the other party so she'll think it's weird that… ehm… we're having another."

Mary frowned.

"And," Remus pressed on. "I would miss class if I did it any later."

"But…" Mary said skeptically. "The tenth isn't on a weekend. It's in the middle of the week. I just finished my Astronomy homework, it's the same day as the full moon and that's a Thursday, not the weekend."

Remus felt his head spin. Just the mention of the full moon crossing Mary's lips was sending him into a blind panic. The subject was too close to the surface…

"Oh, right, well—" Remus clenched his hands. His palms were sweating and clammy. "Well, it's just that she'd really like to see me on my birthday is all. So… we could maybe… what about that weekend then?"

"But the whole point of the tenth is that it's your birthday night." Mary said, visibly frustrated now. "What use is the next weekend, I might as well be with you on the party night or any other!"

"I'm not—,"

Mary narrowed her eyes at him as she waited for his response.

"I- uhm… I'm sorry, I'd change it if I could, I just can't."

"Yes you can! She's your Aunt, not your mother or father, she can wait until the weekend to see you if you'd just tell her!"

"She uhm…" Remus couldn't control his panic anymore. It was obvious how nervous he was and Mary saw it.

Her beautiful eyes took in his labored breathing, his brown hair plastered to his forehead from sweating, and his wide terrified eyes as he stumbled for a new explanation.

She frowned and her gaze wandered over to her book bag where her Astronomy homework lay open on top of it.

"Remus…" she murmured, staring at the lunar chart."Didn't you last visit your Aunt on the 16th?"

Something broke inside him. Not even looking around to see if anyone else was watching him, he reacted blindly, plunging his hand inside his robes, pulling out his wand and aiming it directly at Mary.

"Obliviate!"

.x~*~x.

Darkness was falling inside the castle. The faint hooting of an owl drifted in through the open windows. Rectangular shadows danced around Remus as the candles flickered on in their posts.

Hours had passed since he had run from the common room without a backward glance. He hadn't known where to go at first but somehow he ended up in the library. Walking straight to the back where the oldest history books where kept, he'd slid down to the floor with his back against the dusty bookshelves and stayed there ever since in quiet solitude.

Even Madam Pince didn't come back here— these books were never checked out so there was no reason to re-organize or replace them. They were about the least interesting history to wizards— Muggle history.

Remus checked his watch. Dinner was wrapping up. He'd missed Ancient Runes and Potions as well.

He drew his knees up and buried his face in his arms again. Maybe he could just sleep here.

Somewhere in the distance, he heard Madam Pince's boots along the stone floor as she re-filed her novels.

There were no other students in here except for him now… he closed his eyes, the memory of his reaction swimming through his mind again…

He'd never reacted so impulsively in his life. He hadn't even given her the chance to accept him for who he was— what if she had found out and been perfectly fine with it? He hadn't trusted her enough to do that.

And he hadn't even trusted himself to let her work it out… she'd been so close, a mere minute or two separated them from that moment of epiphany when she would connect all his sick-aunt-visits with the exact dates of the full moon.

What was he afraid of? If she rejected him, it would just make his decision of choosing between her and Sirius that much easier.

But it went deeper than that…

Remus was so afraid of being rejected at all. Of knowing finally just how rare it was for people like James and Sirius and Peter to accept him. Finally knowing how common it is to be treated with horror and disgust in the real world… outside his little bubble of illusion … outside the protection of Albus Dumbledore…

He couldn't stand it. That rejection… that realization… it would have crushed him.

He just hated how easily she could have done so… with one look, she could have shattered his sense of equality… his sense of belonging… it would have been gone, with just one look.

Remus lifted his head, gulping for air and wiping his nose on the back of his wrist as hot tears slid down his cheeks. It was a lot darker now. The only illumination was coming from a single dripping candle stick in the center of the isle. He sighed and stood up, trying to compose himself before shuffling out of the library to rejoin reality.

.x~*~x.

"Remus!"

Remus blinked wearily at Sirius over his bowl of soup.

"Yeah, what's up?"

Sirius strode over to him, staring in disbelief.

Remus was swinging his legs off one of the long wooden cutting tables in the kitchens while the house elves scurried around Sirius offering platters of tea and crumpets.

"We've been looking for you since two o'clock." Sirius stated simply as if Remus hadn't realized his own absence.

Remus sniffed.

"Yeah… I know."

Sirius waved the house elves away and jumped up to sit next to him.

"What happened?"

"Nothing." Remus said softly, taking another sip of food.

Sirius studied his face closely. Could he tell he'd been crying? He hadn't bothered splashing water on his face yet. But if Sirius could tell, he didn't comment on it before continuing.

"Peter said Mary was talking about your birthday… which is on the full moon. But when we asked her where you were, she said she hadn't even spoken to you today… that she just found your chess set and your book bag in the common room during break."

Remus stared into space as he took another sip. He didn't respond.

"And you missed class." Sirius finished. It was an accusation in and of itself.

Remus set the bowl down and sighed.

"She… almost found out. So… I erased her memory."

Sirius stiffened.

"I'm sorry." Remus whispered, staring at the floor. "I just needed to be alone."

Sirius hesitated and reached out to grip his shoulder.

"It's okay, mate."

Sirius looked around at the house elves.

"Can we get some of those apple dumplings? We're heading out."

Remus looked up at him.

"C'mon, you've been hiding for over seven hours now. It's time to go back."

Remus looked sadly at the floor again as he hopped down from the table.

"Where are James and Peter?"

"Ah, well, James went to the shack with his cloak and Pete's searching the Quidditch stands." Sirius said, accepting the dumplings and handing one to Remus.

"Thanks," he said as they climbed back out of the portrait.

They walked on in silence for a while.

"So… she didn't actually find out?" Sirius said finally. "She only almost did?"

Remus swallowed some of his dumpling.

"Yeah… I just panicked. I knew she was about to so… I just… didn't know what else to do."

Sirius nodded. "How did it come up? What were you talking about?"

"Er…" he hesitated. "About her wanting to spend my birthday night together, actually."

Sirius made a funny gasping sound and started coughing as he choked on his pastry.

Remus sighed, staring wearily at him.

"Before you can breathe enough to start shouting at me, you should know that I turned her down and there's no reason to get up in my face about it. I haven't promised her anything."

Sirius stopped and steadied himself against the wall as he tried to clear his windpipe.

"It just— took me off guard. I wasn't going to shout at you," he said finally. Then he grinned. "Besides, I'll be spending your birthday night with you, as it is."

Remus laughed.

"Yeah, as Padfoot, not in bed with me."

Sirius was struck silent by this and they walked on for a little while. Remus saw his head turn towards him out of the corner of his eye. And then quite suddenly, he was gone.

Remus stopped and turned around. Sirius was looking at him anxiously, biting his lip.

"What?"

Sirius' eyes darted around nervously.

"What about… my birthday?"

Remus raised his eyebrows.

"What about it?"

"Well… have you gotten me anything yet?"

Remus grinned.

"You're not supposed to ask for a birthday present, Sirius," he laughed. "But no, not yet, I've got time though so don't worry."

"No!" Sirius said, flustered. "I… I don't want a present."

Remus frowned at him.

"Then why are you asking?"

"Because… I don't want a present but… I still want something."

Remus stared. And then it clicked.

His mouth was extremely dry all of a sudden and he swallowed hard.

"Oh…" he whispered. "I'll…think about it, okay?"

Sirius blinked at him.

"You will?"

Remus nodded curtly.

"I will."

Sirius took a deep breath and walked past him. Remus was hit suddenly with his scent— the smell of apples and musk and shaving cream— and couldn't stop himself from reaching out and pulling Sirius back as he closed the space between them.

Sirius moaned and pushed his tongue into Remus' mouth as he was pressed backward into the stone wall. Their pelvises ground into each other as their mouths melted into one, kissing hungrily. The tension slid out of them… both of them needed this too much…

Remus pulled back only when his lungs were almost screaming for oxygen and Sirius leaned heavily against him as he caught his own breath.

"Okay," Remus whispered. "I'll give you that night."

Sirius pulled back a little and cupped Remus' face with one hand, tracing his bottom lip with his thumb.

"Are there any rules?"

Remus thought for a moment.

"Don't… don't hurt me?"

Sirius' eyes flicked up to meet his.

"How many hours do I have?" he breathed, his voice darker and needier than usual.

Remus licked his kiss-flushed lips.

"The whole night."

~*~ Please Review!~*~