Remus woke up groggily sometime around noon. His head was aching but the wound on his leg seemed to be healed. The others had not yet arrived for their lunchtime visit. He frowned as he thought about them, wondering why he felt so shitty.

And then it all came back. Crashing cruelly into him without pity or regard for feelings, the truth came back to him with the force of a thunder bolt.

Peter's voice echoed in his head.

"Sometime during our detentions last night…er… Sirius was outside in the quad waiting for us when Snape came snooping around. And they, er… got into a fight and Sirius thought it would be funny if… if… oh, god… if he told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow. ….…..Don't look like that, please! You didn't attack him, so don't freak out! I'm so sorry! We weren't there when he told him, we only found out what happened when we left detention! James took off as soon as he heard and ran down here and pulled Snape back. It was a close call— James didn't transform so he was still human— and you seemed to be able to smell them because you came downstairs trying to attack, but couldn't find them under the trap door… but… Remus… he…Snape…he saw you… he knows..."

Remus pressed his eyelids closed and tried to fall back into the blissful unknowing realm of sleep. He wanted to sink into it again… that dark void where nothing could hurt him. Nothing could judge him or reject him or betray him…

But sleep didn't come. It stayed at bay, taunting him as his mind raced with worry.

The worst person who could have possibly discovered his secret now knew what he was.

What the hell was he going to do? Snape had promised Dumbledore that he would never give his secret away but… but how long would that last? Until they graduated? Snape was connected with the worst sort of Dark Arts worshipers… The second they left school, everyone would know what he was… How could this get any worse?

Oh, that's right…it had been Sirius… This had happened because of Sirius.

God… how could he have been so stupid? He'd thought he could trust Sirius with anything in the world, his own life if need be… Turns out he couldn't even be trusted with something as sacred as his place in school.

If Snape had been injured— Remus would have been expelled immediately. No arguing, no second chances, no explanations. Five years of his life… all gone to waste in an instant.

The tiny space of fate that separated him from that alternate reality was about as thick as a grain of sand… Had James been even thirty seconds slower, Snape would either be dead, injured, or a werewolf right now. And he, Remus, would be packing his bags for home… or for a lifetime sentence in Azkaban.

Remus mulled in this realization and took a moment to thanked God, Zeus, Merlin and the universe that he was in this reality, not that worst possible one.

But Sirius… This past week with Sirius had been everything to him. He'd felt more alive than he could ever remember feeling in his life. It was like something released inside him, some deep innate passion for life that he never knew existed.

The thrill of their secret was exhilarating… Sneaking behind James and Peter to dash into the broom cupboards and snog each other senseless until neither could breathe properly… Tangling their fingers together beneath the dining tables… Writing the dirtiest notes to each other through the linked journals and jerking off over the words on the pages…

They hadn't been able to be together properly since that night on Sirius' birthday. The other boys had been too loud or intrusive and the privacy they needed had just never been given to them. But those words in the letter carrier held enough promises for their second time together… Remus had shuddered into several powerful orgasms thinking of what Sirius would do to him the next chance he got his hands on him…

Remus thought past those sex-driven messages for a moment and lingered on a different one Sirius had sent to him during History of Magic just last Monday…

Remus- I know summer is three months away, but what if we took off together in July? Just you and me for a month. We could go anywhere, we could travel around Ireland or France or Spain. Or we could track down the name of the werewolf who bit you. I know you said you always wanted to know who it was and let him know you're alive and alright. I'll go with you for that— fuck the world and everything in it, just come away with me.

Remus sighed and shifted into a sitting position on the hospital bed as he remembered.

He hadn't bothered responding with a 'yes'— he'd instead opted for the much more classy response of shoving Sirius into an empty bathroom stall the second the bell rang and sucking his whole cock down his throat as a way of accepting the invitation.

Since that first night, he hadn't thought for a second that he might have made the wrong decision… Any doubt that would have crossed his mind was swept away the moment he caught Sirius staring at him again. Over their homework papers, during Astronomy lessons under the twinkling starlight, every time Remus started nibbling on a chocolate frog… As soon as those sinful eyes met his, he knew intuitively he had made the right decision…

Until now.

Sirius was, no matter how tall or grown-up he looked, still the reckless schoolboy who had ruled Hogwarts alongside James for half a decade. He was unpredictable, careless, and self-centered… And while that was fine for a fifteen year old boy, it wasn't fine for their situation anymore… this was dangerous territory and if Remus didn't learn from what happened last night, he'd just be playing with fire from here on out. The next time he was hurt, he'd have no one to blame but himself.

"Remus?"

He looked around. For a moment he couldn't make out who had whispered his name from the other end of the hospital ward— the boy had only his head and one shoulder through the door. The long golden rays of sunlight streaming through the windows did nothing to help— they were glowing off dust and pollen particles that were drifting lazily in the afternoon air. But then the boy stepped the rest of the way into the room and Remus felt his body crumble inwards as he realized it was Sirius.

Staring back down at his knees, Remus listened to the soft crunching noise of shoes against the ancient stone floors until they halted at the foot of his bed.

" 'Lo, Sirius," he said softly.

"Hey..."

He continued staring miserably down at his knees. This was Sirius' stage for now.

"Look— I'm sorry," the other boy started. "I know what you're thinking. I don't know what you've heard but… it was never meant to be anything more than a joke. It wasn't meant to get you in trouble and I didn't think—."

Remus burst out laughing and looked up. Sirius stopped talking and was struck dumbfounded.

The laughter slid off Remus' face as he stared up at the other boy. The sunlight hit his face and shoulders from behind, glowing around him. He looked so much… softer. And younger. For a moment, an eleven year old child was staring down at him with worried eyes, as if they'd just been caught sneaking out of the dorms the first time.

Remus blinked and sighed again.

"This isn't working, Sirius. We've been together for a week and you're already pulling this shit."

"But—,"

"Do you even realize what you were playing with? You weren't just playing with my heart or our friendship. This is my life you threw around. My freedom."

"I know that—,"

"No," Remus interrupted, his voice cold and emotionless. He opened his legs Indian style and hooked his elbows around his knees, surveying the other boy with narrowed eyes. "You know that now. You didn't think about it then. When it mattered the most, you thought of no one but yourself."

Sirius' grey eyes widened in fear and his lips trembled as he struggled for words. He leaned forward and gripped the metal footboard of the bed with white knuckles.

"Please…," he whispered. "Please, I will do anything to make this up to you. If I could take it back I would, but I can't. I know how stupid I was but I don't want to… I can't… I can't lose you… Please…"

"You lost me around 9:30 last night, so I wouldn't bother begging if I were you," Remus said coldly. "I didn't—,"

"No!" Sirius shook his head, panic stricken, almost shouting at him. "You can't just leave me, it was one mistake!"

"You haven't—,"

"STOP!" Sirius slammed the footboard with his grip and then threw his hands up to clutch his hair. "I said I was sorry, I'll do whatever else you want me to!"

"It's not about that!" Remus threw the sheet back and stood up. Sirius was still shaking his head with a defiant expression on his face. "You think it's so easy to grow up but you still don't want to deal with the hard things! Like responsibility or the consequences of your actions!"

"I'll deal with anything then!" Sirius was panting now, looking helpless and desperate. "Just tell me what it is and I'll do it. I'll go to the end of the fucking universe and back again if I have to!"

"I already told you—,"

"NO!" Sirius shouted. "You can't leave me, you don't know what you mean to me!"

"You think I'm doing this because I don't love you?" Remus yelled.

Sirius stared at him, eyes bulging.

"You— you love me too?"

"Oh, just shut up." Remus spat at him and started pacing between his bed and the opposite one. "Look, I need to just keep my distance from you. I can get over this stupid… stunt… of yours, but I can't do it when we're trying to be together. I need to study for exams and… and no matter what you think, you aren't going to grow up in the space of one night."

"But I'll do that!" Sirius gripped the footboard again. "I'll stop pranking or sneaking out for fun or hexing everyone and I'll—,"

"Do you even hear yourself?" Remus laughed at him. "So you're telling me you'd give up everything you share with James and Peter and stop being everything that makes you Sirius Black just to keep me from leaving you?"

"I'll—," Sirius hesitated, backtracking. "I… I…"

Remus raised his eyebrows at him.

"If you say 'yes' then I don't even want you anymore. I would have thought you had more self-respect than that. And if you really think you need to stop being yourself in order to grow up then you obviously don't have a clue what it means."

"But— but we have plans! I thought we were going to be together and go away in the summer. What about July?"

"I'm still leaving for the summer but I'm not going with you anymore." Remus sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed. "I can't believe how careless you were, Sirius," he added in a whisper. "You could have ruined my entire life."

Sirius walked over and sat on the edge of the opposite bed, facing him.

"Remus…I'm so sorry. Really, I am."

"I know. I just wish that was enough."

They both stared at the floor for a while, leaning forward with their elbows resting on their knees. The last time they had been this close they had been kissing fiercely in the hidden corridor behind the third floor tapestry. This both seemed to hit them at the same time and they tensed up, Remus in anger and Sirius in caution.

"So… we're still friends though… right?" Sirius said carefully.

Remus looked up and caught his eye.

"We'll always be friends. Even if I don't like you."

Sirius' shoulders fell from the tension and he managed a small smile.

"Someday… when you aren't mad at me anymore… could we still—."

"Maybe." Remus cut in. "I thought you said you weren't queer, though?"

"I… I'm not."

Sirius frowned at him in confusion before looking out the window across the room.

"It's only ever been you," he said softly. He continued staring pointlessly into the distance outside.

They were silent for a long while after that. The bell hadn't rung yet but Remus knew it would soon.

"Where will you go?" Sirius said finally. "You said you would leave without me in the summer… Where are you going?"

Remus shrugged.

"I was thinking about— Quebec."

Sirius blinked at him.

"Why would you… Oh." A dawning realization came over him. "You're going to see Dr. Leibrock."

"Yeah." Remus stared at the floor again. "They need test subjects for a new potion and… Well, here I am. Ready made. It could be my little contribution to science."

"But— I thought you wanted to find out who the werewolf was that bit you," Sirius said.

"I do," said Remus. "They have records there at the lab… I could look through them. It would be a good starting place. I just hope they're still out there somewhere… I mean, it couldn't have possibly been on purpose… Who would bite an eight year old knowing what they were doing?"

Sirius looked at him for a moment.

"Werewolves don't get their bad reputation from nowhere, Remus."

"So what are you saying?" he said bitterly. "You don't want to see me hurt or something?"

He let out a cruel laugh at the irony but Sirius didn't react.

"Yeah," Sirius said sadly. "That's exactly what I'm saying."

.x~*~x.

Remus sat down on his bed and started folding up some spare rolls of parchment. His window overlooking the garden was open and the hazy afternoon breeze drifted into his bedroom. Birds chirped in the orchard trees and a hummingbird hovered around the window frame, sipping the nectar from the ivy flowers that covered the back wall of his parent's cottage.

Leaning forward off his bed, he squeezed the parchments into the already-packed corner of his travel bag. There were a few more books he needed to fit into it but for the most part he was already done packing for his trip.

The last few months had gone by in a blur of studying and testing. He, James, Sirius, and Peter had been so burnt out by the end of term that they hadn't even bothered meeting up outside of school. Remus had the distinct impression they had all been hibernating inside their houses in a sort of post-O.W.L. comatose state. He suspected this because he'd done the same thing himself for his entire first week home.

But during his second week of summer break he'd finally received the owl he'd been waiting for— not his exam grades, those would come later. He'd woken up three days ago to find his official letter of welcome from Dr. Leibrock's laboratory, inviting him to stay with them until August while they tested their latest lycanthropy potions on him.

Remus stood up and walked over to his closet, pulled out some brown robes he hadn't worn since Christmas and threw them on the bed. He stripped off his black school robes and pulled the others on.

"What the—," he whispered, staring down at his feet.

He stumbled around his bed, looked at himself in the mirror and let out a burst of laughter.

"What's so funny?"

Remus spun around. His mother was bending over his laundry basket by the door and sorting through it.

"Look at my robes! They've got to be at least three inches too short!"

His mother sighed.

"Oh, how wonderful," she said bleakly as she separated the whites from the colors. "Another growth spurt… just what I need right now…"

Remus cast her a begrudging look before grabbing up a quill from his desk and walking over to the doorframe.

"You know," he said, reaching above his head and scratching a horizontal line into the wood, "it might be the last time I ever grow. You should be happy for me! I was already as tall as dad over winter break."

He stepped back to admire the doorframe. It had several other marks on it labeling his growth from the time he could stand until now. He reached up and marked the date next to the line he'd just drawn, admiring the three-and-a-half inch distance between it and the previous one.

"Yes, very good, honey." she said absentmindedly, straightening up and levitating three baskets with her wand. "Oh, can you get those black robes from your bed, I can—."

She paused, frowning. Her eyes roamed over his unusually tidy room, his travel cloak tossed over his footboard, and the leather duffle bag packed to the brim.

"Are you leaving today?" she said, her eyes wide.

"Well… yeah," Remus said, bracing himself for a storm. "It's Friday. The Portkey office is packed on weekends and the prices are higher too. I didn't want to spend all morning waiting in a line."

"But—," she shook her head, affronted. "You can't just— I mean— why can't you just go on—."

"Mum, it's fine," he cut in. "I can go to Diagon Alley for robes and then come back for dinner before I leave. There's plenty of time."

He looked at her again. She had a wide-eyed, struggling expression on her face and kept opening her mouth as if trying to come up with a good stall tactic.

Remus grinned and leaned over to kiss her smartly on the cheek. It seemed to pull her back into her senses because she heaved a sigh of defeat and left the room.

Still smirking, he walked over to his satchel and pulled a few Galleons out. The robe shop had a fireplace in it he could Floo right into and he was about to turn around to go downstairs when he noticed something had changed on his bed. The stack of books he hadn't packed yet had his letter carrier journal underneath— and it had just turned a bright scarlet red.

He lunged for it and flipped through to the right page.

After four-and-a-half months of back-and-forth letters with Sirius, it was almost half full. Remus had gone through them during his hibernation last week— they exposed their entire relationship from March 3rd until two weeks ago when things were finally starting to go back to normal between them. They'd been friends for the sake of James and Peter, but the forgiveness hadn't quite settled in until the end of term when the stress from exams had lifted off Remus' shoulders.

He finally found the latest message and his eyes grew wider as they flew across the page. By the time he'd gotten to the bottom line, he realized his mouth was hanging open slightly and snapped it shut.

Jumping into action as if shocked with electricity, he reached for the other two volumes and stuffed them into his bag before zipping it shut. His black travel cloak was thrown over his shoulders and fastened around the neck. Within seconds he was dashing out the door with the strap of his school satchel over his shoulders and his luggage in hand.

"Mum! Dad! Change of plans, I won't be home for dinner!" Remus called to the house as he stopped in front of the fireplace and grabbed a handful of Floo powder.

He paused, listening into the silence. His mother was in the washroom and his father must have gone outside to tend to his garden of potion ingredients.

Neither of them had heard his words of goodbye… but he'd see them again at the end of summer… and he'd write to them anyways… They needed to learn how to survive without him, after all… he was sixteen now and almost grown… He'd be leaving the nest after next year, so maybe the lack of mushy goodbyes was for the best…

He stopped hesitating and straightened up, throwing the Floo into the fire pit and calling, "Potter's Place!"

.x~*~x.

Remus stumbled out of the fireplace and into the same cozy living room he'd visited so many times before.

"James?" he called into the house.

There was a faint clunking sound of footsteps on hardwood floors and then a voice called back to him.

"Remus? We're all up here!"

He dropped his travel bag and ran upstairs where James was standing at the top, looking pale and wary.

"Where is he?"

"He's in my room… He's not doing so well."

Remus walked past James and poked his head into the doorframe around the corner.

Sirius was sitting on the foot of James' bed looking sick. Peter was in the corner organizing a large number of spell books into James' already packed bookshelves.

Remus gave James a sideways glance and walked over to sit cautiously next to Sirius. The other boy didn't look up, just kept staring at the floor as if not really seeing it.

"Sooo…," Remus started. "You ran away from home."

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