Heal Me
Sometimes, to fix the broken, you have to break the rules.
. . .
Chapter 12
Beep, beep, beep. The sighing of breath. Beep, beep, beep. Another sigh. Beep, beep, beep.
Emily felt the room spin as she came to, a dull pain echoing across her upper chest. Her eyes fluttered open and she took in the creamy walls with the starched curtains, blinking as the room came into focus around her. She could tell by the smell of bleach and turpentine that she was in hospital and her frustration manifested itself in a moan of pain. She tried to get up but found she couldn't, not without the dull ache in her chest roaring into fire of pain. Sighing emphatically she fell back onto the pure white pillows, feeling the hospital gown tug at her neck. How long had it been? Was Doyle – Emily shuddered again at the name – dead?
A nurse came bustling in, a clipboard tucked under her arm and her red hair pulled back into an aggressive ponytail, whistling a tune as she went. Emily shifted slightly and winced in pain, getting the nurse's attention alarmingly fast.
"Oh Agent Prentiss" she said. "You're awake"
"What" Emily croaked, licking her dried lips. "What day is it?"
"Friday" the nurse replied. "You've been out since Tuesday"
Emily's eyes widened. That long? God, Dave and the others must be worried sick. Emily closed her eyes briefly; they wanted answers as well she gathered especially Morgan and Reid. She had known those two longer than most with the exception of Hotch and JJ but they had the full story. She opened her eyes again, watching the nurse check her vitals.
"What's your name?"
"Nurse Jillian" the redhead responded. "I've been assigned to you until you leave Agent Prentiss"
"Don't call me Agent" Emily begged softly, throat still sore. "It's Emily, please"
Jillian looked at her, a sharp stare that penetrated her. Emily did not quail, she had faced Doyle she could handle pretty much anything this nurse threw her way. Instead the woman laid down her clipboard and sat gingerly on Emily's bed, a look of understanding that Emily had only ever seen one other place – in Dave's eyes.
"You've gone too long under the guise of an identity that is not your own am I right?" Jillian said.
Emily nodded weakly. "I've –" she paused, sucking in a huge breath. "Hurt so many people that I love, that I cherish"
"Well" the nurse said. "I'm no expert but if they truly are your friends and they truly love you then they will support you – no matter what"
"I've lied"
"Lying – what kind of a sin is that? If you did it to protect them then they should be thankful. There are worse things in this world than lies and deceit. You could be dead"
"Up until two weeks ago I was" Emily whispered.
"Then they shall rejoice your return to the world of the living" Jillian said gently. "Now is there anything I can do for you? It's nearly time for my lunch break"
Emily paused. "If I give you a list could you let them in one at a time to see me?" she asked quietly. "Certain things need to be said at certain times"
"Of course"
. . .
Emily looked up as JJ entered the room; an ease of which was borne practise, a fact that irritated Emily. JJ shouldn't be in hospitals 24/7; she should be with Henry and Will. Emily raked her eyes over her old friend; taking in every inch of her best friend, the neat blonde hair and cerulean blue eyes that reminded her so strongly of Declan. She was wearing loose fitting clothing and the glow on her skin was almost effortless to miss and it was then Emily knew.
"You're pregnant" she blurted.
JJ's features twisted into the brightest smile and she sank into a chair beside Emily's bed, leaning forward on her elbows. "Yeah" she replied. "I'm only four weeks along"
"Life sure does go by" Emily muttered, smoothing down her gown. "Congratulations Jayje – I bet Will is thrilled"
"Popped the question as soon as I said the word pregnant" JJ said. The twinkle in her eyes was back. "If it's a girl we're going to name her Emily-Rose"
Emily's eyes widened. "Jayje" she whispered. "I don't deserve that, but I am so touched"
JJ sighed. "Nonsense Emily" she snapped. "You are the bravest woman I know and if my daughter grows up to be just like you then I will be the proudest mother in all of Virginia"
Tears pricked at Emily's eyes. She rubbed the heel of her palm against her eyes. "God JJ" she whispered. "I've hurt them so badly"
"You didn't mean to though" JJ cut in, leaning back in her chair and laying one hand over her stomach.
"Somehow" Emily whispered, staring down at her hands. "I don't think that will matter to Morgan"
JJ heaved a sigh. "Look Em, I'm not going to lie to you. He's pretty cut up about it" she said softly. "But, like Rossi told him, his righteousness is going to get him nowhere"
"What?"
"Morgan and Rossi got into a – ah – disagreement" JJ waved it off.
"Do I want to know?" Emily asked, bringing her hands upwards to massage her temples.
"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies"
"Bloody effing hell" Emily swore, looking up at the ceiling. "This saving the world thing never gets any easier does it?"
JJ shrugged. "At least they didn't come to blows with one another. It certainly looked they would for a moment"
"I'm going to throttle Dave" Emily hummed. "I mean that in a caring, sharing way of course"
JJ giggled. "I've missed you girl"
"You don't know how much I wanted to see you all" Emily whispered. "I called, once, and I think that was how Doyle found me"
"You called?"
"Back in Williamsburg" Emily explained. ""The person who spoke your name and then hung up? That was me"
"Oh Ems"
"I just missed you all so much and I needed to hear your voices just one last time" Emily admitted. Her hands were shaking. "In case well, you know"
"Yes" JJ muttered. "It was dangerous Emily"
"A risk I was willing to take. I had to hear the voices of those I loved most" Emily whispered. "You were the only one who answered"
"It doesn't mean I was the only one who cared" JJ reasoned softly.
"I know" she sniffed in reply. "Gods I just – I feel like such an idiot, dissolving into a blubbering mess left, right and bloody centre"
JJ leaned forward, capturing her hands with her own. "Em" she said. "We've all been blubbering messes these past six months. We may not show it out to the world but hell we hurt" she shrugged. "It's going to be okay Emily, I promise"
. . .
Aaron Hotchner; always a figure of grim prosperity and stoic truth, hovered in her doorway in such a way that reminded Emily of Louise. The nanny had hovered over her for a full week when she had been taken with the flu; as Lauren, she had to be weak and succumb to it. Louise always seemed to know though; just like Hotch always seemed to know. Maybe it was something to do with people have lived in fear of their lives, that they could so easily recognise it in another. Hotch's hair was combed back aggressively and he looked agitated, something of a rare sight for Emily.
"You can come into the room Hotch" Emily said dryly, comfortable against her pillows.
Hotch sent her a sharp look and moved into the room, pacing the foot of her bed with an urgency she had seen when they had been hunting Foyet. She sighed.
"Say something Aaron" she snapped. "I can't fix whatever I've done wrong if you're as mute as a stunned mullet"
He looked at her and crossed to the chair beside her bed, sinking into it. "Dave" he said simply.
"Oh for God's sake not this again" Emily whispered. "I took a chance on him Aaron, sure it was dumb but hell; it paid off in the end"
"I wasn't talking about that particular viewpoint Emily" Hotch explained shortly. "I know he cares for you, I've watched him wilt under the pressure of the past view days. He only left your side yesterday because Morgan and I forced him, very nearly at gunpoint"
"God damn" Emily swore. "I wish he wouldn't do that to himself. Blaming himself for something that is my fault"
"You didn't know Doyle would escape" Hotch pointed out, always logical.
"No" she admitted. "But I should have been honest with all of you"
"What's done is done. We cannot control the past anymore then we can the present"
"You sound like a philosopher" Emily said dryly. "Are you angry with me?"
Hotch looked at her steadily. "No" he said finally. "I'm pissed at Doyle for taking you away but aside from that I'm not angry, just relieved"
"So all that stuff you said to me about Dave being a risk?"
"Jealousy" Hotch admitted dully. "Em, I never meant to hurt you or Dave. I was just so used to you being around that the idea of you being with another man just hurt"
"Wait, you had feelings for me?" Emily demanded, confusion rising like hackles.
"You're good at missing the obvious" he observed. "Dave said you couldn't see how much he cared for you"
"I see it now. Hotch, you should have said something" Emily chastised.
"What good would it have done? It was best left alone" Hotch waved it off. "Besides, seeing the way Dave looked at you, the way he talked about you. I can't imagine you with anyone else Em"
Emily looked at him, a grateful smile falling across her face. She loved him like a brother and hearing him state his support made her so much more grateful for his presence in her life. Tentatively, she reached out and brushed his arm.
"I missed you Hotch"
"Missed you too Em"
. . .
The tears began to flow the minute Ashleigh Seaver stepped into the room. She took one look at Emily in the hospital bed, complete with drip and heart monitor and burst into terrified tears, nearly flinging herself onto Emily. The older woman simply held the distraught girl close and rubbed her back, muttering words in her ear. When Ashleigh pulled away Emily offered her a smile, watery and apologetic.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Ashleigh asked eventually, holding tightly onto Emily's hands.
"Oh Ash what could I have said? You were so young, a new recruit. Would you have truly understood the sacrifice I had to make in order to keep you all safe? I had to move fast, I'm so sorry"
"So if I was more experienced you would have told me?" Ashleigh asked tightly.
"No Ash don't even think like that" Emily pleaded. "Did I tell Morgan or Hotch? They've been with the Bureau for how long? This wasn't a question of experience; this was a question of survival"
Ashleigh tore away to stand shaking with tears, hands clapped over her mouth and taking deep shuddering breaths. "Emily why?" she cried. "We buried you, and I had to deal with every fucking agent in the BAU, save for the team, looking at me like I was the reason you died!"
"Ashleigh you must understand me! If it had been you in danger could you have stayed knowing that you may turn up one day to find them dead, bleeding from multiple stab wounds with their eyes blank?" Emily shouted.
Ashleigh froze. "It's not my fault" she whispered. "It's not my fault"
"No honey it's not your fault" Emily confirmed, holding out her arms. Ashleigh crawled back into them. "I'm sorry, ever so sorry"
"I wish you were my sister"
. . .
Reid had not spoken one word since arriving in Emily's room scarce ten minutes ago. The young genius was jiggling his leg up and down; up and down, she could hear the jangling of his car keys against coins. Emily stared blankly at her hands, tracing the lines, guilt in her heart. She knew he felt abandoned; it was the one thing that she knew he feared besides the other blatant obvious fear of becoming schizophrenic. Lord knew how she was going to fix this one. A clearing of his throat alerted Emily to Reid, who had a pained expression on his face.
"Spencer" she whispered, reaching towards him. All she achieved was him shying away. "Spencer please. I did it to save you, save the team and to save Declan"
"You had to leave us to do that?" Reid croaked out.
"If I could have I would have stayed. You know me"
"Do I?" he asked. "Do I really?"
She winced. "I'll let you in on a little secret here Spence. I don't really know myself anymore"
That got his attention. Reid's focus sharpened and he examined her with an almost quiet submission. "You don't . . ." he trailed off.
"Get it? I get it more than you imagine Spencer" Emily explained. "I've worked with Interpol for years and this unit. I know you feel abandoned"
"Don't – profile me" he said, voice strained.
Emily threw herself back onto her pillows. "I can't think of what else to say to you Spencer" she proclaimed, burying her face in her hands.
Reid sighed. "Time" he said. "I'll be fine in time. It's just more the shock than anything"
"Spencer you can have . . ."
"Just promise me one thing" he interrupted.
"Anything"
"Don't leave us again" he pleaded and when she looked up into his eyes she saw a lone tear falling down his clean face. And when he reached out to grasp at the sheets, still not ready for contact, she knew he would be okay.
. . .
"Oh my god Emily, are you alright! Well I mean of course you're not alright you're in hospital with stab wounds and you've been in hiding for six months. But are you feeling okay? Like with us because when I think about how scared you are of us rejecting you but you needn't worry! Because I'm so glad that you're alive and I'm going to make sure that Derek isn't too mad with you! Emily I've missed you so much and now you're alive our family is back together again! And you still look the same, still as beautiful. ."
"GARCIA!" Emily shouted.
The bubbly tech shut her mouth with a snap and Emily almost regretted having raised her voice. Garcia had been speaking at rapid pace ever since she'd entered the room and Emily was somewhat grateful, she hadn't had to do a lot of explaining just yet for which she liked. Her voice was starting to feel slightly scratchy.
"PG you need to breathe" Emily joked lightly. "I'm fine"
"The anagram fine or actual fine?" Garcia asked quickly.
"Anagram?"
"Fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional"
"Gee thanks Pen" Emily rolled her eyes but meeting Garcia's tentative smile. She paused and looked at her friend. "I listened to your voice mail message every night before bed. It helped to remind me that you all still loved me"
"Sweet pea we could never stop loving you" Garcia hurried to say, covering Emily's bandage covered hand with her own. Emily noticed the bright purple nail polish that speckled her fingers.
"If I have ever to leave again" Emily said slowly. "I am so taking you with me"
"Try and get rid of me, I dare you"
. . .
She could feel the anger radiating off his form which was perfectly still, a filthy expression that lined his face darkened both his skin and his eyes. A firing cloud of anger, hurt and betrayal that she knew wouldn't ease quickly. She wasn't even sure if he'd ever trust anyone again. Something had happened to him in Chicago when he was younger, of that much she was certain and this thing with Doyle was bound to destroy his trust in everyone. Including her. Emily bit down on her lip, which cracked easily and she tasted blood. Like iron, the taste stained her tongue. He turned away from her and she held herself high. No need to let him break her.
"Is anything I say going to be worth it to you?" she asked.
"Don't" he snapped. "Don't start this"
"Derek please" Emily begged. "Let me explain"
"There is nothing to explain Prentiss". He used her last name, oh boy. "You slept with Doyle, you went undercover and slept with an international terrorist. Furthermore you felt the need to lie to us, to lie to me. That doesn't need any explanation; it's common in Interpol agents you know. Lies and deceit"
His words cut her like a knife. Though braced for the harsh tone she didn't realise how much pain he carried.
"What would you prefer Derek? That I really was dead? Would that make it easier for you?" Emily asked.
"Come on Prentiss, you really going to use that card on me?" Morgan spat, turning on her, eyes ablaze with anguish.
"I'm not trying to play you Derek!" she insisted. "I need you to understand. Please, I need you to be my friend"
"No Emily" Morgan hissed. "You are not my friend. Friends don't lie, or cover their dirty little secrets. Or force their team members to fake their death"
"You think that I forced Hotch and JJ to lie to you? You think I had a hand in that? You think I wanted to leave?"
"I don't know what to think of you Prentiss" he admitted. "The Prentiss I knew didn't run around behind people's backs, making life easier for herself and harder for others"
"That's not fair" Emily whispered.
"Life's not fair" he snarled at her, turning to leave.
"Derek please!" she cried and lunged out for him.
She felt it then. A ripping in her shoulder, followed by a jet of pain that arched from her shoulder down her back. A trickle of a cool liquid that traced its way down her front. She let out an 'oh' of shock and looked down, eyes slackening as she took in the rusty stain covering her chest. Morgan turned and took her predicament in one second. His eyes widened and he rushed to her side.
"Prentiss" he said and she felt the world beginning to dim. "No! Emily!"
He used her first name. Her world was going black and she could hear him shouting for nurses as she felt the stitches in her shoulder give way. There wasn't really any pain that she could pick out, only a soft calling that pulled her into darkness. Her final conscious thought was the fact that Morgan was still holding onto her hands, pleading with her.
"I'm sorry baby girl. I forgive you, I forgive you"
. . .
When she came to she could feel a weight pressing down on her left arm. Emily opened her eyes and looked down; seeing Rossi, his face buried in the white sheets and crook of her arm. His chest moved with each breath that passed through his body, she figured he was sleeping. Her shoulder wasn't sore anymore and she knew that it had been restitched. Her free hand came up and rubbed at her eyes, eliminating the remnants of sleep and of pain. She then brought that hand down and ran the fingers through Rossi's hair, dark and flecked with a few strands of silver.
Going grey in his old age, she thought. Laughter bubbled to the surface but she swallowed it and traced her hand down to touch the smooth skin of temple. He stirred and her movements still.
Rossi sat up quickly, fully alert and eyes bright. He took in her open eyes and then moved his hands to frame her face, reminding her so very strongly of the scene almost seven months ago just before she had left his arms. A smile worked its way onto her lips and he let out an almost relieved laugh before pressing his lips against her own. There it was; that explosion of colourful lights within her mind that she had missed over the last six to seven months. She kissed him back hungrily and entwined her fingers in his blue t-shirt. They broke apart and he pressed his forehead against her own.
"Thank God" he whispered. "You're alive, thank God"
"I missed you" she whispered.
"And I you" he replied, pressing a chaste kiss to her lips again.
"What happened before?" she asked faintly, once he had released her and was simply sitting in the hard-backed chair, still holding her hand in his own.
"You tore your stitches" Rossi rumbled. "You moved too far too fast. Morgan is feeling pretty guilty right about now"
"He had every right to be angry" Emily whispered, looking down into her lap.
"Maybe so but he should also have given you a chance to explain. We were warned not to set you off, lest it caused a relapse. He was lucky you didn't slip back into a coma" Rossi growled, tension evident in his voice.
"Did the two of you get into another 'disagreement'" Emily said, using quote fingers.
"Pardon?"
"Jayje mentioned you two got into a disagreement"
"That was back at the police station. Just after we found Doyle's DNA on the victims. He lost his temper and said some things, which caused me to sort of let out all the anger I'd been holding in" Rossi admitted boldly.
"Sort of let out your anger? Or all of your anger" Emily quipped.
"It had been six months bella"
Emily looked up at him, biting her lip. "I know" she said.
Rossi's grip on her hand tightened and finally Emily let out the tears she'd been holding in ever since JJ had first walked in. Tears of thankfulness that she was back with her family and her beloved Dave. Tears of hurt, just as she probably incited in all of them. Rossi did not try and stop the tears; he let her cry knowing that she needed to. He merely ran his thumb over her hand, murmuring endearments under his breath. Only when she had finished did he move to be closer to her, seating himself on the bed with her. She buried her face in his shirt and clung to his body.
"I love you" he said finally.
Emily felt her heart stop, only for a second and then she looked up into the face of David Rossi, a man she once thought was serial womaniser, indifferent and unconventional at best. Instead she saw the man who was devoted to her, purely captured by her and had just told her that three word phrase that was tossed around like a limp rag doll through society. The fact that he said them truthfully and had meant every last syllable made her want to cry again.
"Dave" she whispered. "I love you too"
He kissed her blindly and she grasped at his shirt, never wanting to let go as he held her more gently than any man ever had. Doyle had been a rather forceful lover but this was the kind of loving she wanted. Gentle, kind, warm and above all true. All too soon Rossi broke away from her and framed her face with his hands.
"Emily, mia bellissimo angelo, I love you with every bit of my heart" Rossi said, and she saw his hand move into his pocket. "I know it hasn't exactly been a conventional relationship but I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, however long that may be"
"Dave what are you . . ."
He pulled out the velvet box. Emily gasped. When he spoke this time, Rossi seemed almost nervous. "Will you marry me?"
The box opened to reveal the most simple, yet exquisite ring she had ever seen. An amethyst was set into the heart of the ring, surrounded by tiny diamonds. The band was gold and when she pulled it gently from its nest she saw the words engraved in the metal. Forever, my angel. Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks and she held it so gently that she wondered if this was a dream.
"Emily?"
"Of course I'll marry you Dave" she said, sliding the ring onto her finger.
His sigh of relief was not lost on her and as he pulled her in for a loving embrace, Emily thanked God once again that she was dead and that Doyle was. Nothing mattered more than this moment in time, just her and Dave. She was engaged!
. . .
Author Note:
Wow, that took a while. But I wanted this chapter to be really accurate as well! Hope you like it. Please do leave a review :) Almost done with this story, only a couple more chapters left guys! It's almost sad. But anyway I'm loving the kind reviews and the Story Alert/Subs.
Hands up those who wants to see Emily's engagement ring? Go to my profile and you'll find it under Bits and Pieces from Stories
Also I realise that the link to my LJ didn't crop up in the last upload SO for those who want to read the stuff on there go to my profile and it will be in the Contacting Rusty section
Rusty
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