A/N: This chapter is one of my favorites, I had an awesome time writing it so I hope you all have as good of a time reading it as I did writing it. We're nearing the end, with 2 chapters left! Pleeasseee review! I'd really appreciate it if you did :) Thanks!
5. I want Jacob Black
Jacob refused to spend the night with me, no matter how much I begged and pleaded for him to stay. His explanation for leaving would bring a smile to my face for the rest of my life.
"I won't stay because I want to spend the night dreaming of you" He told me. "And when I see you for the first time, walking towards me down the aisle, my dream will have come true."
I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I kept thinking of the day to come and what it had in store for me. It would be a day to change the rest of the days of my life and I was so ready for it. I could hear Alice all night giving orders and instructions to the rest of the Cullens as they decorated the house for the wedding. She was such a doll for taking care of all of the wedding planning, I wouldn't have been able to do this without her. It would be a perfect wedding to a perfect man.
Looking back at everything I had done, everything I had felt in fear of this day seemed so ludicrous to me now. A few mistakes I had made would be with me forever, unforgivably in my mind. But it didn't matter to me now. All of that was behind me; every doubt, every mistake, every fear was put to rest. But, I knew there would be one thing left for me to do to finally close this part of my life, to give closure to someone who deserved it.
I decided it was time to get out of bed, even if I didn't sleep at all. The sun shone through the window, blinding me as I sat up in bed. I pulled the covers off of me and stepped out of bed. I got dressed quickly and approached the door when Alice appeared before me, blocking me.
"You can't go down there yet!" She said. "I'm not finished decorating. Take the window and don't peak inside when you walk by!" She instructed.
"The window?" I asked. She couldn't seriously think I would jump from a second floor window.
"Yes, jump down from the window. It's simple, just step out. You can do it, you're a vampire after all." Alice smiled.
I sighed and turned towards the window.
"You're doing the right thing." She said to me as I stood before the window. Alice obviously knew everything, from what happened between Jeff and I to what I would be doing now.
"Is he going to be okay?" I asked, staring down at the drop I was about to make.
"Yes, he will understand." Alice said before leaving the room.
I looked down again, trying not to think about the height. I took a deep breath, as if I were about to duck my head under water, and stepped out into thin air. I hit the ground and stumbled a bit. Other than that, the landing was pretty good. I looked back up at the window and smiled to myself, proud that I actually did it. I disappeared into the trees and ran towards Jeff's apartment.
I tried to imagine Jeff's reaction when I told him where I stood with he and I, that I really didn't love him in the way he wanted me to, that I was choosing Jacob. I had the feeling a part of Jeff thought that I would pound on his door, profess my love for him and be with him instead. I was hoping he wouldn't go to that conclusion when he saw me today. I hoped he would understand and still come to the wedding as a friend. Jeff has been a great friend to me, despite the fact that he worked for my father at one point. I hoped he would remain a good friend to me, even if I didn't choose him.
As I stood in front of the red door, the door I had stood before time and time again, my nerves began to get to me. I found myself shaking as I bit my lip, anxious to just get this over with, hoping it would end well. I knocked quickly and then took a step back. Jeff's face lit up when he saw me. He closed the door behind him and stepped out into the hallway. A smile stretched across his face that could make even the most devastated person light up with joy. It was his smile that made this ten times harder for me.
"Elina" He whispered. "You came back!" He said, taking a step towards me to hug me. I stepped back and that startled him.
"Jeff, I need to talk to you. I want to let you know where I stand, to give you some kind of closure because you deserve that much." I tried to explain, staring at my feet because I couldn't bear to watch as his expression changed.
"Closure? What are you saying?"
"I'm marrying Jake today, Jeff. I think I gave you a false hope the other night. I said things that I shouldn't have and I'm sorry for doing that to you. You are a dear friend to me and I don't want to lose you." I said. Jeff stepped back, his hand moving to his mouth as I spoke.
"You told me you imagined a life with me, that it wasn't a mistake. How does that change in a day? Elina, don't marry him. Give me a chance to give you what you imagined." Jeff pleaded. I wrapped my arms around myself, his words like bullets.
"I love him. I want the life I imagined with him. I realized what I thought could be with you wasn't what I wanted. It was what my parents would want me to have, but it's not what I want."
"I know you love me." He said firmly.
"I love you, but it's not the same love I have for Jake. I love you because you are my friend, Jeff. I love you for everything you did for me, for the person you are. But I'm not in love with you. I'm sorry."
"Why are you telling me this?" He asked, anger prevalent in his voice.
"Because I didn't want to marry Jake and leave you with this false hope. It was wrong of me to do that to you and I am so sorry. I had to let you know where I stand so you could move on and find love with someone else, like Kate."
We stood in silence for a moment, Jeff still in shock that I didn't choose him.
"You're more than welcome to come to the wedding, bring Kate...I'd really like it if you came." I said quietly.
"I can't." Jeff said in a raspy voice, as if he were holding in tears. "I can't watch the woman I love marry someone else and walk out of my life forever." He said, shaking his head. I closed my eyes, the impact of his words too much for me to bear.
"Jeff, I'm sorry. I hope that one day you can understand why I did this and I hope you find a great love someday." I said as I took a step towards the exit. I looked back at Jeff who was leaning against the wall, his head in his hands. I held in my tears and stepped towards him, my hands reaching up to his to comfort him. Jeff wrapped his arms around me and sobbed into my shoulder. I could feel his tears soak through my shirt. I rubbed his back and tried to be strong for him. A single tear streamed down my face, realizing that I had just hurt my best friend.
Jeff calmed down and pulled out of the hug, but stayed fairly close to me.
"I broke up with Kate." He sniffled.
"What?"
"I thought you'd choose me, that you would run to me today to tell me you wanted me." He said as he let out a sarcastic chuckle.
"Jeff..."
"No, it's okay." He said as he wiped his nose. "Really, it's fine. I understand, I really do. It's just hard to accept right now. You go get married and have a good life with him, okay? He better take damn good care of you." He coughed.
"Thank you" I whispered and placed a kiss on Jeff's forehead before walking away.
When I got outside I leaned against the brick wall of the building and began to breathe quickly as my heart beat faster. I just had to catch my breath, to remind myself that that really happened.
I was glad that I had gotten it over with, that Jeff knew where I stood and that I could get married without him on my conscience. I was getting married today. The smile that spread across my face was large enough for astronauts in space to see.
Alice was waiting for me when I got back to the Cullen house, tapping her foot in front of the door. I laughed to myself as I approached her.
"There you are! We have to get you ready!" She said, skipping into the house and zipping up the stairs. Edward's room was temporarily converted into my dressing room for the day, equipped with a full length mirror and vanity so that Alice could do my hair and make-up. My dress was sprawled out on the bed along with the shoes my mother had given me. I changed into some sweats and a t-shirt to be more comfortable as the transformation process began.
A tall man with black hair styled in a comb over slid into the room with a large camera in his hand. He started snapping pictures left and right. The flash startled me and I put my hands up to block my eyes. He stopped, straightening out the jacket of his suit and lent his hand out to me.
"Hi, I'm Chris, the photographer. I wanted to get some shots of you getting ready, if you don't mind. I already took some shots of the room before you got here." He said very proudly.
"Oh, okay." I said. This was clearly Alice's doing.
Alice smiled greatly when she saw Chris and asked him to take some pictures of she and I together. Alice was very much into all of this stuff. She insisted Chris take pictures of every single moment so that I would have a memory of the entire day. Chris's assistant, Daniel, was at the La Push reservation snapping pictures of Jacob as he got ready.
Alice sat me down at the vanity, which was covered in hair products. Lorenzo stepped in with a gleeful look on his face as he prepared to do my hair. Since my dress was earthy and kind of nymph-like, I wanted something to match it. Lorenzo had a great vision and made my hair curly but messy. It was wild and free. Alice switched places with Lorenzo and did my make-up for me. I insisted she make it natural. Knowing Alice, she probably would have gone all dramatic with the eye shadow because it's all the rage in Europe or something.
When I looked at myself in the mirror I actually recognized myself. It was me, but more enhanced. It was the first time I looked at my reflection and knew exactly who was staring back at me. I knew everything about that girl; her background, likes and dislikes, her strong, independent personality, her desire to be free from the shackles of urban society, her secrets, her flaws, her goals, her loves...everything that you could ever know about yourself or ever want to know, I knew about that girl I saw in the mirror. It gave me a great sense of identity and accomplishment.
"Time for the dress!" Alice exclaimed. "I'll be right back" She said, skipping out of the door. She returned a moment later with Marie, who practically collapsed in tears when she saw me. I wasn't even wearing the dress yet.
"Oh, baby you look gorgeous!" She said. I looked down at my grey sweat pants and old t-shirt, lifting an eyebrow to how this could possibly be gorgeous. Marie shimmied over to me with her arms propelled outwards, pulling me into a long, tight hug.
"Thanks mom." I said as she hugged tighter, cutting off my air supply.
"Ready?" she asked, glancing over at the dress. I nodded with a smile and slipped out of my very casual attire.
Marie lifted the dress and I held my arms straight up in the air as she slipped it over me and pulled it all the way down. I adjusted it and then turned so that she could zip it up for me. I could hear Marie gasp as she held in her tears.
"It's a good thing I picked the water-proof mascara" she laughed as she wiped away a tear. I laughed with her and hopped on to the bed, about to put the shoes on myself.
"No, let me!" She said eagerly, kneeling down in front of me. She took the left shoe out of my hand and carefully slid it on my foot, repeating the process with the right foot. She kissed her hand and placed that hand on my right foot, tilting her head to the side and smiling. I smiled with her until the moment was interrupted by a bright flash. I looked up at Chris and rolled my eyes at him.
"Come look at yourself, honey" Marie said, picking herself up from the floor and pulling me towards the full length mirror.
I was taken aback when I saw myself in the huge white dress. I remembered the first time I saw myself in it, with oodles of uncertainty filling my mind and the fear that escalated at the sight of the yards of silk taffeta that covered my body. The feeling I got from seeing all of that white today was completely different. I was happy, genuinely happy. Marie scurried over with the veil in her hands and slid it into my hair as Chris snapped some more pictures. Lorenzo rushed to my side to adjust it after Marie put it in my hair and sprayed my hair with hairspray once more. Alice walked in slowly, the first time I've ever seen her walk at a slow pace, with a bouquet of white orchids with pink detailing inside. I didn't remember ever telling her I loved orchids, but this bouquet was absolutely perfect. I couldn't wait to see what it looked like downstairs. Alice handed me the flowers and just stared at me, smiling.
"Thank you, Alice." I said, hugging her.
"You're welcome." She beamed. "Jacob is going to be so blown away."
My heart fluttered at the sound of his name.
"Is he here?" I asked eagerly. Alice's smile stretched further.
"Yes, he's downstairs."
Butterflies began to flap their enormous wings feverishly in the pit of my stomach. I squealed with excitement. This was it.
Edward slid into the room and smiled that crooked smile of his towards me. I flashed a smile back and everyone cleared out of the room to leave Edward and I alone for a moment.
"You look beautiful." He said, his voice like music to my ears. I closed my eyes and smiled, taking in the moment.
"Thank you" I whispered. Edward stepped towards me slowly, placing his cold hands on my shoulders.
"He's going to fall to the ground when he sees you." He chuckled.
"Let's hope not, I don't want to kill him." I joked. Edward laughed.
"I'm proud of you, you know. You've made it through a lot."
"We've made it through a lot" I corrected. "Thank you, Edward, for everything."
"It was my pleasure." He said, his eyes staring intensely into mine. "Alice tells me you and Jake are going to have a happy life together. And you won't have to worry about Renesmee." He announced.
"Thanks for telling me, but I think I already knew that." I smiled.
"Alright, well we better get going." Edward said, hesitating to move. He looked at me and smiled as he placed a kiss on my forehead, swallowing as his lips left my skin. Edward took my hand and led me out the door and down the hallway to the top of the staircase. All I could think was 'this is it'. Edward squeezed my hand tighter and shook it a bit, letting out a swift chuckle every time I thought that.
Ronald was waiting in the middle of the steps for me. He looked up and his mouth was wide open, as if he were speechless. He held his hand out for me and I took it as he led me down the stairs.
I was so blown away when I saw how Alice transformed the house into the perfect wedding. There were bouquets of white orchids and lilies in different sized vases all over the place, along with lit candles. Black and white fabric was draped along railings and tables. The chairs had white slip covers with black ribbons tied around them. It was very classy and elegant. Everything sparkled.
I felt my air supply cut off when I saw Jacob standing at the end of the aisle. I squeezed my father's hand tighter, digging my nails into his skin. I was excited and nervous at the same time. Jacob's eyes widened when he saw me and the biggest, whitest smile I had ever seen spread across his face. I didn't even noticed the groups of people seated on either side of the isle or the sporadic flashes of cameras going off all around me. I didn't notice anyone else in the room except for Jacob Black.
I smiled and could feel tears start to form in the corner of my eyes. I laughed at myself and the fact that I was actually crying at the happiest moment of my entire life. Jacob let out a giggle too when I wiped the corner of my eye with my finger. It made me laugh even harder as I walked over to him. Jake took both of my hands and we both leaned into each other, laughing. The minister coughed and Jacob and I composed ourselves. Jacob and I stared into each others' eyes as the minister spoke and we repeated our vows. I felt like I was in a trance as I looked into Jacob's deep, brown eyes. I repeated what I was told but I didn't feel like I was saying it because I was so lost in Jacob's eyes. The only part I was absolutely aware of and full-heartedly said was,
"I do"
Jacob placed his hands around me waist and pulled me in for a very passionate kiss. Everyone began to clap and cheer. I found myself beginning to drown them out and everything went silent. The only thing I could hear was Jacob's heart beating; a rhythm I would never forget. Jacob pulled away and I placed my hands on either side of his face, our foreheads resting against each others' as we stared at each other and smiled. The moment was interrupted when Jacob's friends, Embry and Quil, ran up to him and gave him a friendly punch in the arm. Jacob turned and hugged his friends as they congratulated him. I turned and saw Marie in tears in a chair, with Ronald next to her trying to calm her down. Bella was the first to come up to me.
"Thank you" She whispered. "You've made Jake really happy." She said as she hugged me.
Alice was next. She kissed my cheek and then slid back under Jasper's arm as they both congratulated me together.
"Alice this is amazing" I told her, gesturing to the decor that surrounded us.
"Oh, it was nothing." She beamed.
Carlisle and Esme stepped behind them and Alice and Jasper stepped aside.
"You look stunning, dear." Esme said, running her cold hand down my arm. Carlisle nodded and smiled in agreement. "Congratulations" he added.
Marie pushed past them and threw her arms around me as she sniffled.
"Oh, baby look at you! You're so grown up!" She said, beginning to cry again. I rolled my eyes.
"Okay, Marie, let's go grab a table in the reception area." Ronald said as he gave me a wink and pulled Marie away from me.
I was beginning to feel a bit clustered with all of the people around me. I wasn't even sure where Jacob was anymore.
I smiled when I felt his warm hands press into my arms. I turned and wrapped my arms around him.
"There you are" I whispered.
I heard a cough and turned to see Billy in his wheelchair watching us. I pulled away from Jake and hugged Billy.
"Glad to have you as a part of the family." He said.
"I'm glad to be a part of it."
"Alright, can I just have one moment with my wife please?" Jacob said, pulling me away from the crowd. I laughed at the sound of 'my wife' coming from Jacob's mouth.
"I like how that sounds" He said proudly.
Jake led me outside, away from the noise and the clusters of people hugging and kissing us. I let out a sigh of relief when we got outside, breathing in the fresh air. Jake pulled me to him and we swayed for a moment in each others' arms.
"I love you, Mrs. Black." He whispered.
"I love you, Mr. Black." I said, placing my hand on his cheek. I stood up on my tip-toes and placed a kiss on his lips.
"So, we're really married." Jake said.
"Yes, we are." I assured him. "How does it feel?"
"It feels pretty damn good, but..."
"But what?" I asked, wondering how there could possibly be a 'but'.
"But...I think tonight is going to be even better." He said, winking at me. I rolled my eyes and laughed.
"Of course. I'm looking forward to tonight with you." I said, almost whispering, as I tilted my head up and pursed my lips. Jake took the hint and kissed me again. I giggled and then rested my head on his chest to listen to his heart as we swayed.
"It's a beautiful day today." I said.
"Yeah, I think I even saw the sun peak through once or twice." Jake chuckled.
I wanted to enjoy this day, to soak it in. I needed to run. I've run so many times before in my life and for all of the wrong reasons. I always ran away from things I didn't want to face. This time, I want to run right into something that I do want. I want to run into a long, happy life with Jacob. I want to run into my destiny. I smiled to myself, realizing I just had to take one last run for myself. Sure, it seemed a bit odd to go for a run in the forest in a white wedding gown in the middle of my wedding day, but I could pull it off somehow.
"I think I want to go for a quick run." I announced. Jacob pulled away and gave me a questioning look.
"I'm not running away" I laughed. "It's just a run for myself, for closure, I guess. I'll be back before you know it, I promise! You don't think I'd willingly miss out on tonight, do you?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"No, I guess not." Jacob laughed, wrapping his arms around me again. "Just hurry back, I don't want to miss you for too long."
"I will" I said, kissing him quickly before running towards the house. " I love you, Jacob Black!" I yelled out to him before opening the door.
I ran up the stairs and into Edward's room to switch out of my shoes. As I was taking my shoes off, I remembered a letter I had written to Jacob last night before I went to bed. I was going to give it to him tonight when we were finally alone. I wanted him to know exactly how I felt about him and how I couldn't wait for my life to start with him. I would make him wait until I was asleep until he could read it. I knew that would drive him crazy. I smiled as I pulled out the long, ivory envelope and placed it on the vanity. I smiled at my reflection and then walked towards the window, bracing myself to step out into thin air once again; a leap of faith.