I grabbed by sheath of arrows and bow from the hollow log, although there is no longer a need to keep my hunting a secret, old habits die hard. I feel the tension roll off my back as I head deeper into the forest. There's a certain something in the air, something in the peace of nature that therapy and Doctors can never compete with.A deep smile sprayed across my face as I heard the silent whistle of the arrow shooting pass me and land soundly into a bird a few hundred feet above me. I shot a few more down and put them into my game bag. A shock of loneliness shot through me as I turned to a nonexistent Gale to head home.
No matter how much time has passed I keep expecting him to be there, with his silent footsteps. Instead, I'm alone.
No Katniss… you're not alone. You have Peeta, and that alone is more than enough. In my gut the debate continues and I feel tears spring to my eyes for the millionth time this week. I don't know how to just get a grip. Maybe this is what the war has brought on, instead of strength more weakness. More than I can stand. These tears, they do nothing but make the people around me worse. Even Haymitch doesn't know what to do with me. Peeta tries, time and time again. But he doesn't get that with every sweet remark, a lash ten times the weight strikes me. I just don't know what to do.
"what if we ran away, we could do it you know. You and me?" What if I had done it. I've asked myself this question time and time again but never have I actually weighted the outcome. I know this grief, it's not only for my Prim. My little duck. No, it's for the loss of something just as part of me as her, the loss of gale. Though I no longer need him….
I no longer need him.
That's it! This is how I will move on! And just with that I am jumping through the air, scaring any possible meal away for the next hour. But I don't care! Gale and I, we were put together for our mutual need of survival. We were one, that much is true. But these life experiences, they have changed us in irreversible ways. He will forever be a part of me, that I can't deny. But just as Prim is, Finnick, Cinna, a never ending chain of people, have left footprints on my being. I know that the longing will never leave me, but I can mitigate the pain with joy…
"Peeta!" I yell, and with that I am running.
Heart pounding, red faced and hair disheveled I stop at Peeta's house. He is of course in the kitchen kneading dough, I watch mesmerized by the slow exact rhythm. The exact same speed his heart beats, stable and strong. He turns and I know I must truly look insane with the look on his face.
"Katniss. Are you alright?"
Instead of answering I rush in. Maybe I am broken on the inside, full of hundreds of holes, but so is he. Our insides match just as well as our fire mutt skin. I reach out and stroke his face, I feel the exact pain I have inside echo in him. Gale and I were one. But Peeta and I. We ARE one.
With that I kiss him, at first gently and then I feel the same hunger that overtook me in the quarter quell take over once more. Soon we are gasping up against his counter full of flour and heavy with anticipation. This time unlike many others, he is the one to stop.
"Wait- why," he asks and my instinct is to recoil altogether from this rejection. Instead I will myself to answer, he deserves that and so much more.
"You once told me that you'd stay. Always. Real or not real?"
He smirks and replies, " real… from what I can gather. You tell me."
"Real."
"I once told you I'd never want you to go. Real or not real?"
He looks at me with confusion and I see his mind try to wheel out the nonexistent memory from the dark abyss that became his brain.
"I don't know Katniss… I really can't remember." I move in closer, and put my lips up against his ear, he shivers.
"I NEVER want you to go." He pulls me close and gives me a kiss so full that it literally takes my breath away. I remember being a girl who never needed any one. Could take care of herself and deal with whatever was thrown her way. Somewhere along the way that girl diminished, there's a spark of her left. But now there lies one who knows it's ok to lean on others, whose heart is begging to be told that everything will be fine. Burnt to the core with Gale's fire, what I need is hope. Only the boy with the bread, the one willing to take beating after beating for me. From that first lash to his hijacking Peeta has been there… Now it's time for me to be there for him.
That night as we lay in bed bodies and hearts intertwined he strokes my face and I feel the hunger once more. I never knew that admitting my feelings would bring on more and yet here they are. I snuggle up close and kiss his warm shoulder.
"You love me. Real or no real?" he asks. And there is no hesitation, no doubt when I push past the last barrier and say out loud what I've been holding back for what seems like years.
"Real. " I reply.