Session 3

When I next woke up I wasn't in the cribs where I had fallen asleep. At first that really freaked me out until I heard a familiar comforting voice call my name.

Then I felt a hand run through my hair and I relaxed into the touch, I felt so blessed that people could see how much I was hurting and were taking care of me and for the first time I let them without arguing.

"You're on the camp bed in my office." Don explained and I nodded slowly, I didn't ask why.

"It's all real isn't it?" I asked, I just wanted someone to tell me it had all be a bad dream but of course that wasn't going to happen.

"I'm afraid so Liv." He said and his hand was still running through my hair.

Elliot used to do that. When we were cuddled up in bed or watching TV. I loved it, him doing it always seem to bring me comfort and having Don doing it then brought me a similar comfort.

"Why did he have to go?" I asked pushing myself up to sitting.

"It was just his turn Liv." Don said coming to sit on the bed beside me and he pulled me into his arm.

"I can't do this without him Don." I informed him and he gave me a small squeeze and I think it was apologetic because he knew I wouldn't be able to go on without Elliot.

"I know." He said after a while. "The kids called about the funeral."

"What did they say?" I asked knowing that my name would have been mentioned.

"They want you with the family…"

"No Don." I interrupted him and my voice was strong for the first time since Elliot's death. "I need to be with Munch and Fin."

"Olivia… they told me everything." Don said in explanation and that's when I cried again.

He held me close and rocked me backwards and forwards softly whispering to me, telling me that it was ok.

"I'm so sorry we didn't get the chance to tell you." I said once I'd calmed down enough to speak.

"It's ok." He said. "The box is on my desk, Dickie thought you might like to have it close now."

The box in question held my engagement ring which I took off every morning when I was working and put on again at the end of every day, kinda pointless when you think about it now.

I got enough strength in me to get the box from the desk and I took the ring out of it and slid it onto my finger. I remember rolling it around with my thumb before I sobbed again and Don held me tight, I knew he was hurting too and it was probably hurting him more seeing how much I was hurting, especially now he was learning just how different my relationship with Elliot was.

"Come on." He said after my crying subsided. "You need to get some food in you."

I wasn't hungry but I wasn't in the mood to argue with him either. He passed me my coat which had been hanging on the stand in his office and after putting his own on we left.

He took me to a bistro just around the corner from the precinct but I really didn't want to eat, I just stared out of the window and I didn't even realise the Cap had order for me till the food was in front of me.

It's kind of funny. Don ordered a chicken salad for me, that's what I always had when Elliot and I would go to the same bistro, Don came with us once after a tough case, shocking that he remembered.

Anyway, I drank the water and nibbled at the food until Don was done and then we went back to the one six, I was doped up some more and I slept for a few hours.

I was alone when I woke up, screaming from a nightmare that brought Munch, Fin, Don and George up to the cribs.

All four men held me you know, while I sobbed from a fucking dream. Thinking about it now it seems ridiculous but had they not been there I don't think I'd have gotten through those days.

After I calmed down Don took me back to his place. Maureen and Kathleen brought some of my clothing over but I was asleep and they respected Don's wishes that I wasn't disturbed. I knew they understood, they weren't sleeping much either.

I stayed in Don's till the funeral, I went to the precinct during the day and back to Don's at night. I didn't even ask him if I could stay just at the end of each day he'd say 'Come on' and pass me my coat.

George Huang put me on anti-anxieties without a sedative to take during the day and sleeping pills for the night. I was going through every day until the funeral like a zombie.

I had my sit down with Huang on day three, we talked a lot about what happened when Elliot … well about when it happened. I didn't shed anymore tears on that day, I told him that I felt lost without my partner and my best friend and I admitted to him that I didn't feel like life was worth living without him by my side but I also told him I would never go so far as to end my own life, I couldn't do that to Elliot, he would have been pissed at me for even considering it and as a result of being honest with the shrink I got my gun and shield back which meant I went back to work.

I was partnered with Fin while Munch stayed back running the paperwork and stuff, most of our cases were still passed to other units and boroughs but we managed to pick up some.

"What was your first case without your Partner?"

That was the most awful thing for me. It was a child abuse case and the whole time I was working it rather than asking Fin what he thought I'd say what I thought out loud then try and work out what Elliot would say in my head, and shockingly it's been like that ever since, I knew how his mind worked, I know when he'd agree with my opinion or thought and I know when he'd disagree and often enough it has helped me get a lead in a case.

It drove Fin up the wall because I'd say one thing, he'd say something that I completely ignored and then I'd say 'but…' and give 'Elliot's' idea, of course I never said that I thought that's what Elliot would say but it was clear to the squad that's what I was doing.

There was a point in the investigation when Fin and I were interrogating a suspect. It was odd, even thought I'd worked with Fin in the past I don't have the same chemistry and understanding with Fin as I did with Elliot.

We were doing ok though, bouncing off each other, understanding when one of us changed tactic but there was a point when… when I got so angry with this guy… I threw him up against the wall and I had my hand around his neck not hard enough that I was strangling him but hard enough that he was struggling to breathe. I was hissing and spitting at him telling him to confess, going through the typical motions of what we guessed had happened because of the little evidence we had and it took Don and Fin to drag me out of the room and the first thing I did after the door shut and they let go of me was kick the filling cabinet and stormed off to the roof… I caught Fin telling Don it was like I was keeping a part of Elliot alive to me by behaving like him.

I also know Don spoke to George about it. I know this because George came to the roof to find me, he brought my coat up to me because it was freezing and I'd been up there a good half an hour already.

"It's ok to miss him." He said to me and I nodded in reply because I knew that, I knew then that I would think about him every day for the rest of my life.

"It's also ok to be conflicted and to try and think in the way he did and to get mad." He added and again I nodded even though this time I wasn't sure if I actually understood what he was telling me.

"I need him George." Was all I could say because of the lump I had digging in my throat.

"The need will slowly go away…"

"No it won't." I interrupted him and he turned to look at me as he stood beside me. "I won't ever be able to not need him, everything, all the bad things I've ever been through in the past eleven years has been with him by my side, the past three years I have been going to his arms when there was a tough case, we comforted each other in ways partners shouldn't and… and I am never going to have that again and I don't think I can do this job without him."

I don't think I'll ever forget what he replied to me.

"Now isn't the time to make drastic decisions Olivia, wait a while, let the bulk of the grieving process be done before you make any big decisions that you might later regret."

I still wonder if that bulk of grieving is done because it still feels as raw now as it did then just maybe not as painful.