Session 4

The day of the funeral I remember like it was yesterday, actually I remember this whole damn nightmare like it was yesterday and I'm still waiting to wake up from it but anyway, I remember it clearly might be a better way of putting it.

I dressed in my blues and met Don down in the living room of his place. He gave me a reassuring smile knowing that today I'd try to be strong but he also knew that there was no way I was going to be able to keep it together with his kids.

We met with Munch and Fin at the one six ready to walk behind the hearse which would be given a procession to the church by marked cars with the lights.

It was tough standing there for the procession to start. My legs shook and if it wasn't for the fact I had Fin and Munch holding me up I don't think I would have stayed standing.

I then heard a cry calling out my name and turned around to see all four of the Stabler children sobbing. I pulled myself together as much as I could at that point and embraced them.

"Please stay with us?" Lizzie pleaded and as I looked from one child to the other I knew they were all asking the same thing.

I swallowed hard and nodded to them, letting them know I would walk with them because their mother had said that she would meet them at the church. I looked over at Munch, Fin and Cragen and they nodded and came over, we weren't going to do things the way we were expected to.

I was in the middle holding Lizzie's hand in my right and Dickie in my left then Kathleen held Lizzie and Fin's hand while Dickie held Don's and Don held Maureen who held Munch. That's how we stayed the whole way to the Church.

The strangest thing is I know that Elliot would have been happy that we did that, his work family and his kids all together. Looking back I'm really pleased that we stuffed protocol and did what we wanted to do.

It took thirty minutes to walk from the precinct to the Church. Along the way people came out to watch the precession, pay their respects. It was kinda comforting in a way.

At the church I went with Munch and Fin to do what we were expected to do. Munch and Fin and I walked one step behind Cragen while six of the unis from the one six carried in the coffin, the kids walked in behind us but Dickie kept a hold of my hand it was awkward to walk but we made it work.

Most of the service passed in a blur. It was quite hard sitting there listening to the priest talk while Dickie held around me sobbing his heart out but somehow I managed to keep it together.

Then it was Don's turn. He gave me a kiss on the cheek before making his way up to talk and I watched his every move. If I'd have known how much what he said was going to affect me I would have blocked it out but I listened to every word, it nearly killed me.

"Detective Elliot Stabler came to work under my command fifteen years ago. He was a green rookie out of homicide with one hell of a temper. After he lost his first partner he became a nightmare, wouldn't let anyone close would beat on perps and argue with his co-workers and I was at the end of my tether when I hired Detective Benson. I warned him, if he screwed this up it wasn't his partner who would be leaving but him and he shrugged. Of course when he found out he was having a female rookie he almost blew a gasket but that was until he met her. I would never have told you back then that the partnership would last eleven years but after the first case I had some hope inside me that he was changing.

They're known across the NYPD as the dynamic duo and that is exactly what they were. They worked magnificently together and I am honoured that I was able to stand by them and watch the magic happen. Cases that had been cold for decades this partnership managed to close.

He was aggressive, hated anyone who hurt anyone even though he thought it was ok to beat a perp every now and again, his partner stopped him from ever going too far.

Seeing him work was special, he knew how to connect with the slime balls and victims. When he did his job, he truly did it well.

His children were his world, he couldn't face a case without thinking about them. He would see his children in every victim and as much as it was his downfall it also pushed him to get the job done and get the victim justice.

His partner, was like his family too, she was his best friend, the person who kept him on the straight and narrow, reminded him that there was some good in the world.

I consider every Detective who works under my command as one of my children but Elliot Stabler was truly like a son to me…I don't just stand here as a CO with a fallen Detective but as a grieving father. I am heartbroken that such a magnificent life was cut so short. Rest in peace Detective."

I was silently sobbing. I couldn't help it. Hearing Don talk about Elliot like that felt like being stabbed repeatedly because it started to hit me how real it was that he was gone. When Don sat down he was crying too and he came over and embraced me and then each of the kids before sitting down.

The kids got up next. Fin took my hand as all four Stabler children made their way to the front with a picture of their father in hand, normal family photos not the bloody professional NYPD ones that had been plastered over the papers.

There was one picture that caught my eye. It was the one Lizzie was holding of herself, Elliot and me at the park. It had been two summers previous, Dickie was over at a friend's house, Maureen had college stuff and Kathleen was grounded and Elliot had asked Lizzie if she wanted to go to the park, Lizzie called me and she asked me to rescue her, twelve year old girls don't want to go to the park with their father and so I agreed to meet them there.

I had been snapping pictures and so had Elliot while we played ball and ran around. We were playing near a bench and I stopped to take a picture of Elliot putting Lizzie over his shoulder when an elderly couple asked if we wanted a picture of the three of us, Elliot said yes before I could answer.

I knew I wasn't the only person studying that picture and my heart beat quickened but it didn't matter anymore, we didn't have to protect our relationship because he was gone and there was no relationship to protect. I sat there playing with my ring and realised it really didn't make a difference anymore.

Maureen spoke first.

"Our Daddy was a great man. He loved us and he did his best by us even though he worked all hours trying to provide for us. We always knew that one day this could happen, I'm sure we actually accepted growing up that we'd probably lose him to the job but as strange as it sounds we're also sure that's how he would prefer to go, doing a job he loved despite the victims. We're going to miss our Dad every day for the rest of our lives but we're thankful that we have each other and we're also thankful that on that day we didn't lose Daddy's partner too which we always were scared of, losing one of them is hard enough losing both of them would have killed us. We love you Olivia and we love you Daddy and we promise we'll take care of her just like you asked us to all that time ago."

That was horrible. Hearing her say that she'd promised her father that if anything was to happen to him that they'd take care of me. It was me that was supposed to promise him I'd take care of the kids. I was near hysterical on Fin's shoulder but I wasn't going to let that stop me from listening to the others talk.

Kathleen went next.

"Daddy. You taught me everything I know, you were always there for me and when you weren't you gave us the next best thing, you gave us Olivia. We're going to miss you every day for the rest of our lives, we're going to hurt for a long time because we lost you but we'll never forget you and we won't let this nightmare stop us from doing everything you wanted us to do."

I couldn't have stopped crying even if I tried so I just allowed the tears to fall. Lizzie and Dickie stepped up to the podium together.

"We're not going to stand here and tell you how great our Daddy was because Uncle Don has already done that and so has Maureen and Kathleen. We just want to say something to Daddy." Lizzie said and Dickie unfolded a piece of paper in his hand.

"Daddy, throughout our lives you did everything you could for us. We love you very much for everything you did and gave to us. We promise that we will do our best to make you proud. Everything you did, you did for us Dad, even sacrificed your own happiness for our sake because you waited two and a half years before asking Olivia to marry you because you were scared that we didn't want that, if you'd asked sooner maybe you would have made it down the aisle before this happened…"

I stopped listening after the collective gasp that filled the room at the announcement that Elliot and I had been engaged. I felt Fin shift against me and I knew he was looking at me and at my hand where the simple diamond band sat twinkling in the bright lights of the church.

When the kids walked towards me I stood up and embraced each of them giving them a kiss on the cheek or the head too and then it was my turn. I didn't want to go up there after the announcement of my engagement in the middle of his funeral, but I wouldn't let him down so I slowly took my speech from my pocket and made my way to the front.

I was shaking like a fucking leaf but I didn't care. I glanced over at Don who nodded encouragingly.

"Elliot Stabler was a great Detective. He could anticipate a perps next movement, guess an interrogation tactic that would work and run with it, he could link up clues that most would deem impossible… he was a great cop…"

I could only read that much of my speech before I scrunched it beneath my hand. I knew everyone was watching and I looked over at Don again and I knew I had this determination in me that he saw and he gave me a firm smile and I nodded at him.

"Elliot wasn't just an amazing cop and partner, he was a great man, he was inspirational and… he was my best friend from my first year as his partner. We instantly connected and I told him things I wouldn't tell a lot of people. He was the one who harassed me after my first good kill my second year at SVU, he's the one that was relentless in proving I hadn't killed someone when I was framed, and three years ago he became the man that wrapped his arms around me when I got too involved in a case. Yes he was my partner, my best friend but three years ago he became my lover too.

We knew it was frowned upon, we knew the second anyone found out about us that we would be split up as partners and neither one of us could deal with that so we didn't tell anyone other than his ex-wife and his children. We knew it was wrong but we needed each other because on this job we saw things that no one should ever have to see, we dealt with victims of crimes that no one should ever have to suffer and yes we found in the end that the only people we had to rely on was each other and yes that relationship went much further than either one of us guessed it would eleven years ago.

I loved Elliot Stabler before I shared a bed with him and I will always love him. He was my best friend and partner and… and he always will be."

I rushed from the front straight into Don's waiting arms.

"You did it Liv." He whispered to me as I cried hard, I could barely breathe but I had done it and I didn't even read the speech I'd spent four days working on.

The rest of the service passed in a blur. I spent it sat between Munch and Don, both of them holding me tight and comforting me.

Then of course came the burial. I had thought Kathy or Maureen would take the flag but Maureen came over and said I was to take it, as I was supposed to be his wife even though we hadn't made it down the aisle, I was still his next of kin.

That made it so real, not the funeral and him … him leaving but our relationship and what the kids knew I meant to him and vice versa.

The wake was held back at Don's place because it was bigger. I went straight up to the room that I'd been staying in changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt with all intentions of going back downstairs but I couldn't and I fell into bed crying. I was quickly joined by all the Stabler kids and we all cuddled until we fell asleep.

I woke up when the bedroom door opened and Don came in.

"Everyone is wondering where you are Liv." He whispered.

I glanced at the clock and realised we'd been gone a good hour. I managed to climb out of the bed without waking the kids probably because they hadn't slept in a week.

"Ok?" He asked me as soon as we were out in the hallway.

"Yeah." I replied nodding, I really didn't know how else to put it.

"Come on everyone wants to see you." He said taking my arm and leading me downstairs.

I really didn't want to talk to anyone but I knew it would be harder if I hid away and said nothing. Luckily Munch and Fin came over first and they both hugged me tight.

"We're here for you Liv." Munch said.

"We're going nowhere baby girl." Were Fin's chosen words which made me smile a little.

"Thanks guys." I said before letting Don take me to the next person who wanted to talk to me.

I wasn't pleased when I saw it was Kathy Malone. She was definitely one of the last people I wanted to speak with. She hugged me and it felt sincere so I hugged her back, I knew she was hurting too because she'd loved Elliot once and he had given her four children.

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry you had to lose him Liv, God knows you deserved to be happy with him and I'm sorry your chance was taken." She told me gently.

"Thank you." I said softly, luckily we've always been civil.

"Now probably isn't the time to ask you Olivia but … I want you to continue the custody agreement with the kids, they need you in their life Olivia…"

"You were right Kathy now isn't the time." Don said carefully and she nodded softly in reply.

"Just think about it, you have my number." She said before walking off and I let out a sigh, she knew I would never say no to keep the custody agreement.

"Who's next?" I asked knowing Don wouldn't have called me down just for Kathy.

"Uh the Chief of D's." Don replied and I frowned, if he'd told me that upstairs I'd have told him to go to hell.

"Best get it over with." I replied shoving my hands into my pockets and following Don through to the kitchen where the Chief of D's was talking with the Commissioner and I felt like I was about to be sick.

"Ah Detective Benson good of you to join us." The Chief said and I honestly felt like punching him in the mouth.

"I'm sorry Sir I was seeing to the kids." I replied dryly, I wasn't going to let him say anything without biting his head off and I felt Don tense up beside me.

"Understandable." He said sincerely and I relaxed a little but I was still on guard. "Of course my sincere apologies for your loss Detective, I mean losing your partner is tough for any Detective but losing your lover… I am very sorry." He said and I struggled to blink back the tears.

"Thank you." I whispered my voice failing, I was shocked when he put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

"Yes I cannot imagine being in your position Detective, it's understandable that you were very close after eleven years but of course none of us knew how close." The Commissioner said and I nodded in reply, I really did feel like I was about to be sick and I closed my eyes trying to push the nausea away, I mean I knew it would come at some point but now wasn't the time I wanted it to hit me.

"Olivia?" Don asked seeing that I had switched off.

"Yeah?" I replied trying to mask it but he could see something had changed in me at that point.

"You ok?" He asked.

"Yeah, excuse me." I said to the three men around me and hurried off to the nearest bathroom.