Amendment on 6/11/11.
xo
Present Day (Day 2)...
You normally have a pretty good handle on your emotions but since going to St Vincent's with Brendan for his appointment, you can't seem to stop crying. Every now and then a cloud of sorrow creeps up on you unannounced and unanticipated and you feel yourself go weepy.
Like now, for example. It's lunchtime at VIBE. You have the radio tuned to a local station while you leaf through some invoices in the office. You check bills and sign papers until you come across Brendan's signature. So you stop to stare at it and think about the man behind the writing. And you think what a great friend he is to you... most of the time, like when he is not being obnoxious, rude, short or irritable. You think about how much you would miss him if he wasn't in your life anymore. You think about how, even though he is strong, he might lose his battle to cancer.
Your daddy bear.
You burst into tears. You put your oversized sunglasses on to cover red, swollen, wet eyes with mascara running down your cheeks. You pull at tissues from a scented family pack on the desk, blow your nose and dab under your glasses.
When the radio starts playing a song by Radiohead you hum along.
You are a half-eaten chocolate box away from a Bridget Jones cliché; only yours is the potential loss of a best friend not lover.
You sing along quietly with your head flung back against the headrest of the chair. Your eyes close.
"No alarms and no surprises. No alarms and no surprises. No alarms and no surprises, pleeeeease."
"Jesus, Nikki!"
Your eyes spring open.
"Declan!" You are embarrassed at being caught in the act of singing off-key. "Learn to knock will ye!"
"I thought you were being attacked!" He says with a grin.
"Fuck off." You grumble and compose yourself quickly, sitting up straight. You turn the radio off and stare at Brendan's son. "Why are you wearing sunglasses indoors?"
"Heavy night with the missus and friends." He points at his eyewear. "What's your excuse?"
You think fast.
"Fashion baby." You say drily. You feel terrible that you are withholding Brendan's diagnosis from his family. You can't face his son right now so you say, "Look, sweetie, I was in the middle of-"
You point at the papers in front of you to convey your meaning.
"Yeah sure." He says tentatively. He hovers by the door. "It's just that-"
"Seriously, Dec." You say feeling tears pricking up again and look down at your papers. "Just go."
He hesitates, "But I really needed your advice about something, Niks. Something happened yesterday night. I don't know whether I should tell dad..."
You read the urgency and uncertainty in his voice so you stop thinking about yourself and pay the kid some attention.
"What is it?" You ask softly.
"You know Freddie right?"
You nod. Cute kid. Rich parents. Insanely bright. Law student. Generous to a fault. Comes round to the club sometimes to splash some serious cash with his boyfriend or mates.
Dec had asked you for the night off yesterday so that he could see Freddie play at the Foggy Dew.
"Yeah. How was the gig? Good?" You ask.
He nods. "Much better than yer version of that Radiohead song!"
"Cheeky."
He gives you a sly smile that reminds you of Bren's.
"So anyway, when we got to the pub Freddie was speaking to some guy, right. His name was Martin. Older. Like maybe a little older than you."
You are offended. "I'm only 29."
"Yeah." He misses your point. "He was Scottish I think. Drunk as shit. He left pretty much straight away. Then the Fredstar told us a story about him that blew my mind."
"What was it?"
He suddenly stands up straight in the doorway and looks behind him furtively.
"Is dad here?" He asks.
"No. He called this morning to say he wasn't coming in today. Why?"
Declan purposefully locks the door behind him and takes a seat in the chair opposite you.
"Do you believe in fate?" He whispers.
"Not really."
"Okay. Well maybe you will after you hear this. Freddie told me that the guy he was talking to, Martin, lives in Chester, right. But he is here for a psychological conference or something."
You vaguely remember that Brendan used to live not far from there.
"His has this boyfriend who he has been going out with for five years who has come along to keep him company. Apparently they travel everywhere together. Martin told Freddie how he loved his Mancunian accent. So then Martin apparently started rambling on about how much he loves his boyfriend, bla bla bla. How he couldn't believe what he had done to him."
You don't get where Dec is going with this story but you continue to listen to him.
"And the whole story comes out. Up until yesterday apparently everything was great between him and his fella. Then they had lunch at some Italian restaurant in town and bumped into Martin's boyfriend's ex. It was really awkward and his boyfriend acted weird afterwards. Fast forward to the end of the day when they were getting down and dirty back at the hotel room and the boyfriend basically said 'I love you' and then his ex's name. Like while they were..."
He makes a ring shape with the thumb and index finger of one hand and repeatedly inserts the index finger of his other hand through the created circle.
You stare blankly at him.
"Like as in they were having sex, Nikki, and Martin's boyfriend said he loved his ex!" He explains emphatically trying to get a reaction out of you.
"I know what you meant and it's a bummer it happened but why should I care?"
Dec leans back and folds his arms across his chest. "Because Martin told Freddie that his boyfriend was called Ste Hay. Freddie doesn't know Ste so he didn't make the connection but how many Mancunian Ste Hays that live in Chester are there?"
Your jaw drops at the mention of the name. That is the guy whose picture Brendan keeps on him at all times. The guy Brendan got twitched about when you tried talking about him.
"Ste was dad's ex-boyfriend when he lived in England..."
Ste was an actual boyfriend? You didn't think Brendan did the whole boyfriend thing. You rewind back to something he said moments ago. "Did you say they were at an Italian restaurant yesterday?"
Declan nods.
You collapse back into your chair. Wow.
"Brendan and I met them. We met them at Secondo. Martin's good-looking, right? Tall, blond, nice body?"
"My dad saw Ste?" Declan practically jumps out of his seat ignoring your question.
You nod.
"How did they seem to you?"
"How do you mean?"
"Like, were they friendly to each other?"
You recall the tense short exchange. "No. Stephen couldn't get away fast enough."
He nods as if this clarifies something and your curiosity reaches new levels. This conversation generates more questions than it answers.
"Shit. Really?"
"Why. Was it an ugly break up?"
Declan looks at you steadily. "I'm guessing dad never told ye, did he? About Ste and what happened."
"Well, uh, no. I figured he was someone important in your dad's life though." You say weakly, suddenly feeling like you don't really know the person you call your best friend.
"Basically, Ste was like dad's only proper boyfriend ever. Well, proper for dad anyway. He worked with dad at Chez Chez, you know, the club dad part-owned in Hollyoaks. I liked him. Really sound guy. He knew how to handle dad which is saying something. I got to know him on a trip to Disney World like six years ago. Anyway, they had been going out on and off for about a year at that point but they were having problems."
"Like?"
"Dad trying to keep their relationship secret. Acting like he was ashamed to be gay... whatever... it's in the past now. Anyway, after that trip things got much better. They were solid, you know? Dad has never made a show of his relationship but he didn't deny it. He seemed quietly proud of it. Treated it as something to be cherished amongst friends and family anyway. For example, if dad called home and Ste happened to be with him he would go, 'Ste wants to chat with ye, Deccy but make it quick. I don't want ye two gossiping like a pair of girlies.' But I think he was still working on being comfortable around strangers. "
You lean across the desk. "Why did they break up?"
You get a horrible feeling from what you have gathered so far that the circumstances were catastrophic.
"I'm not sure. No one saw it coming. Least of all Ste. All I know is that it was not long after Ste was kidnapped."
"You what?" You say in shock.
Declan nods. "Yeah. It was a botched job. He went missing for three days in total. We still don't know who did it or why but when he was found he was badly hurt and unconscious. He fractured pretty much every bone in his body. It was horrible."
Your hand automatically covers your mouth. Fuck. Brendan never said.
"Anyway, mum, Paraic and I heard about what happened from Aunt Chez. Dad has never spoken about it. I called him like a few weeks after Ste was found to see how dad was holding up and because he hadn't called home at all. He sounded quiet. Empty.
I asked him how Ste was doing and he told me that it was none of my business and it wasn't his either anymore because he and Ste were through. He put the phone down in me when I tried to ask him more questions."
You are stunned into silence.
"Ste was walking home after a shift at the club when he was taken, Nikki. I think dad has always felt guilty about that because he had seen him just minutes earlier."
Your eyes widen in realisation. You go back five years to Brendan's bedroom, a brown parcel with a black emblazoned uniform t-shirt covered in congealed blood and an accompanying message.
Brendan,
All this is behind me,
S
Now you know that the S was for Stephen and that the meaning behind the statement was an effort to move on from the events surrounding his abduction and maybe even his emotional tie to Bren.
You now suspect, from Ste's reaction in the restaurant and what Declan has just told you happened between him and his boyfriend in their hotel room, that Ste must still be battling strong feelings for Brendan.
You also know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, from how Brendan holds onto a photo of Ste, how he clutched Ste's bloodied t-shirt to him five years ago and how he has incessantly gone for look-a-like hook-ups for as long as you have known him, that Brendan was not over his ex.
It, therefore, makes no obvious sense to you why they had broken things off.
"Why did you tell me this, Deccy?" You ask.
He hesitates, picking at his nails for a moment before saying, "The only time I have ever seen my dad really happy, other than when he is hanging out with Paddy and me, has been when he was with Ste. When Freddie told me what happened I thought... I don't know. Maybe..."
You give him a wry smile. "Your heart's in the last place, Dec, but what your dad had with Ste was a long time ago. You've got to be realistic. People change. Whatever Brendan and Ste had is gone now."
He nods slowly, "Yeah. I know you are right. I'm not saying they have to get back together. It's just that these last few weeks dad hasn't been himself. You've noticed, right? And he won't let me in so when I heard that Ste was in town I thought, like, maybe speaking to him would make him feel better or something."
You push your sunglasses up as you feel tears build up again. "Even Ste couldn't make him feel better right now, Deccy."
XOXO
You are run ragged at work. Since Brendan isn't working you also end up checking on THE ELECTRIC, the other club you co-own in the evening. You see Paddy there but you also meet someone entirely unexpected in a twist of fate.
You decide that you need to tell Brendan and since he has not answered any of your phone calls during the day, you decide to nip round to his place on your way home. You worked a late shift so you get to his place in the dead of night and unlock the door to his apartment to let yourself in. You are about to call out his name but then think that he might be asleep. So you tiptoe through the open plan living area, spotting an empty whiskey bottle and two glasses on the coffee table.
Had he had company? If he had they were on a purely liquid diet.
You walk straight through the open door that leads to his bedroom to make sure he is okay. Your eyes immediately drift to his bed.
Brendan is lying there asleep looking peaceful in a way he never achieves when he is awake. A thin crisp white sheet just about covers his modesty. He is not alone. For a split second you are sure that the young man sharing his bed is Stephen but he isn't. He is definitely younger than Bren as is typical of his preference; maybe in his early twenties.
One of Brendan's arms is wrapped around the guy's waist pulling the stranger's slight smaller body into his own so that his back is flush against your friend's chest. Not an inch separates them from head to toe. Bren's face is stuffed into the guy's mousy blond hair which ruffles with every exhalation in his sleep.
Spooning.
Three discarded and tied condoms are on the floor around the bed and a tube of lube lies forgotten on the bed near their feet.
The picture in front of you tells a story.
Yesterday, Brendan told you he wasn't going to come in to work at the club. You had assumed it was so he could clear his head but clearly he had made another trip to The George, one of Dublin's gay clubs, to pick up a Ste twink clone.
From the looks of things he and his companion hadn't moved far from the bed.
You quietly move out of the room and head to the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of water and think about your next move.
Your friend is hurting and dealing with what he is going through by fucking and drinking. This bottling up of his true emotions was no good for him but your are at a loss of what to do. If you tell his family what was going on or maybe get Ste to speak to him, Brendan will rip you to shreds and he will probably withdraw even further.
It is better to just be there for him and hope he comes to realise on his own that he can't go through the cancer battle alone.
You take your high heels and earrings off, walk over to the comfortable couch and lie down. You figure you might as well sleep over here tonight.